TV Commercials | Main | That port thing
February 23, 2006
Stole most of this from the Queen
How To Take A ShowerLike a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair ! again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener#82 at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
your wiener#82 and scratch your ass.Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire
wiener size#82 in mirror again.Leave shower curtain ! open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
For those of you who are wondering about #82, go here
Posted by Beth at February 23, 2006 5:36 AM
Comments
make the 'woo-hoo' sound. Yup; dat's how I wag me tail.
Posted by: Boquisucio at February 23, 2006 6:23 AM
Um, sweetie, you're the one who *asks* me to do "the happy dance" with #82. Be honest!
Posted by: #82 at February 23, 2006 7:13 AM
HAH!!!
Sounds pretty accurate to me, except I don't do all the frilly sh!t in the shower- normal shampoo and conditioner for me.
I have one more to add for the boys though- when "standing at attention" in the shower, it makes a great little washcloth rack.
Boq-
I'd be disappointed if you wagged your tail any other way.
Posted by: AFSister at February 23, 2006 7:26 AM
In John's case, it makes a towel rack. :)
Posted by: swwbo at February 23, 2006 7:28 AM
Sigh.
Posted by: #82 at February 23, 2006 7:30 AM
Awww, c'mon--not all of us are as bad as that.
Take *me,* f'r instance. I've *never* made a shampoo Mohawk...
Posted by: BillT at February 23, 2006 7:31 AM
Snerk!
That's right BillT... There's no need for shampoo without hair!
Posted by: nballen at February 23, 2006 9:09 AM
NBA: Careful with yer snarkin', clear the target area before opening fire...
In case there's any question, Bill would be the obviously older'n dirt pencil-necked, sunken-chested geek on the *right* in the pic.
The two babes on the left are Denizennes BCR and Brab (from left to right), and two of the reasons Bill started hangin' 'round these parts.
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at February 23, 2006 9:37 AM
What's with all the covering up?
Posted by: Maggie at February 23, 2006 9:49 AM
Ya fergot th' Tarzan Yell!!!
Posted by: Sgt. B. at February 23, 2006 10:36 AM
Beth-
I started to type in "towel rack" but I figured the other 100 guys around here are more of the "washcloth" size than the "towel" size. I should have made an exception for #82 though!
So Sgt. When do we get to hear an audio post of that Tarzan Yell?
*grin*
Posted by: AFSister at February 23, 2006 1:20 PM
AFSis, ask, and ye shall receive. Thank Heavens for BCR Labs, Inc!
Her bugs are *especially* useful.
Here's the good Sergeant B in action!
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at February 23, 2006 1:32 PM
ROFLMAO at the clip!! I can verify that it does sound exactly like Sgt. B. *grin*
Posted by: FbL at February 23, 2006 2:10 PM
Hmmm, Kodiak Momma 6 know you know? Given it's a part of the Shower Ritual?
(cocked eyebrow look)
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at February 23, 2006 2:15 PM
Dammit! I thought we caught all the bugs in our last sweep!
*looks at bug detector - "BCR Labs"*
Well that figures, doesn't it...
As for the yell, well, that was a different Sgt. B., an evil Sgt. B., and, well, I killed him...
Posted by: Sgt. B. at February 23, 2006 2:29 PM
For people like John (*pppbbbbppptttt*) who need things spelled out in great detail to avoid confusion:
Knowing what I know, that is exactly what I think Sgt. B would sound like doing a Tarzan yell. So there!! :D
Posted by: FbL at February 23, 2006 2:33 PM
And, besides, out here at the Firebase, showertime consists of LGAMs in their PT shorts under a hose...
Posted by: Sgt. B. at February 23, 2006 2:34 PM
Words mean things!
Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
My work here is done...
Posted by: Bad Armorer! at February 23, 2006 2:41 PM
Heh. Well, we're more concerned with the BGAM, but if that holds true... much is explained about why the scrup'ls whimper and their eyes water when you drop by...
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at February 23, 2006 2:43 PM
And now Sgt. B has provided a Teachable Moment concerning why you *should* read all the fine print in your new gizmo's User Agreement. Bwahahahaha!
Posted by: bad cat robot at February 23, 2006 2:44 PM
And watch out for the sole source contracts - especially ones that require deposits of your immortal soul.
She's a collector.
I've seen it. Moulitsa's is particularly... well, you can imagine.
Posted by: John of Argghhh! at February 23, 2006 2:54 PM
OMG.... John, I bow down to your ability to pull things outta your a$$ and make me laugh toward the end of a long day!
That's awesome...
Posted by: AFSister at February 23, 2006 3:04 PM
Eeew! I do *not* use that for storage! ;^) I just learned where that stuff is stored from Bill.
Posted by: Bill's Disciple at February 23, 2006 3:06 PM
Hmmm... I initially thought "82" was supposed to be a sort of sideways text-representation of... uh... the male equipment.
You know... what with the 8 having two circles & all...
Posted by: Harvey at February 23, 2006 3:12 PM
That's why you're not a Denizen, Harv. It's Denizen Lore...
Posted by: #82 at February 23, 2006 3:19 PM
We could use it for a Denizen Quiz -- "How to know if you are a true Denizen?"
*grin*
Posted by: Barb at February 24, 2006 8:19 PM