4) Reading over your seat mate's shoulder. Their file or laptop may contain information that is confidential and in any case its none of your business.

5) Making others around you uncomfortable by encroaching on their personal space. Let's face it, airplanes are small already. Remain in your own space. Yes, this includes keeping your setback in the upright position if it is obvious you are making the person behind you uncomfortable.

6) Getting drunk. If you want to have a couple of beers then fine but hitting the airport lounge for a few drinks after a bottle of wine with lunch then drinking until the Flight Attendant refuses to serve you will not endear you to your travel-mates.

7) Don't bogart the restroom. This isn't the time for a sponge bath its a frickin airplane. Others need to use it too. There are 3 restrooms and 150 people. See?

8) If its a long flight (over 2 hours) its ok to kick off your shoes, but dress changes should be limited to that on an airplane. This isn't a fashion show.

9) Keep what you will need to access during the flight in a single bag that you can easily place under the seat. Don't get on an airplane and then start digging out luggage from the overhead to get your photo album to show your new friend Suzy.

10) Off color jokes. Hey a salty joke is fine between friends but don't cut lose with one of those "a Jew, Black and Mexican guy are on an airplane" jokes in mixed company. The Hispanic couple in the row in front will be humiliated (yes, they can speak English) and the people around you will feel very uncomfortable, to say nothing of the fact that the black guy in the row behind is liable to kick your ass after the flight.

11) Control your children. I know its not easy being a parent after all I am one. That doesn't mean you can let little Johnny harass the lady in the row in front of you by pulling her pony tail. Don't make her ask you to stop him. Its about time you disciplined your child anyway.

12) Don't call the Flight Attendant 5 times in one flight. If you can't wait until she/he comes by and you need something then by all means call them, but ask for what you need and get it over with. They aren't your personal valet.

13) One word: Flatulence.

I'll think of some more tonight. I may start a list for one of those "Rules for the Socially Inept" type books. 8^)

Oh... My... Gawd!!! That is frickin' hysterical! I'm glad I don't fly... what a painful experience it seems to have become.

1. Bathe. Bathing is always good. Even if it's early for your monthly bath - take it before you board.

2. Perfume. Don't assume because a little is good, a lot is better. Applies to aftershave/cologne, too. Some people will go into anaphylactic shock being near you. That's not good.

3. Don't assume that your fellow prisoners *want* to talk to you. Pay attention to the "Drop dead, I could give a shit about how you set up your Linux server/doilie collection/children/pets/asshole spouse." body language. I have to pay attention when you drowse off when I start talking guns, don't I?

4. Lay off of the 'greasy kid stuff'/pomade. I may have to sit in that seat next flight, and I don't want to put my head back and all of a sudden have a flammable 'do.

5. One tray table per person, please.

6. No means no. See #5.

7. Just because your mother told you you're special, you're not. She was referring to the bus you rode. See number 5.

8. The space above your head was not included in the reservation. Keep yer mitts off my stuff, and don't just unceremoniously dump it because it's in 'your space'. Clue: There are at least two, and probably three seats in the row. I got here first. Get over it and put your overstuffed suitcase somewhere else.

9. Tesseracts are an interesting mathematical concept. As of yet, outside of fantasy novels with magic, they don't exist. You may think your suitcase holds more than the exterior dimensions allow for, but this isn't true. Nor will the overhead bin. Physics trumps your dream here. Give the bag to the nice flight attendant and pick it up after we land, dolt.

No. I don't want to exchange seats so you and your sweetey can cuddle. I book in advance whenever possible, I select my seat from what's available; next time try booking 48hrs ahead of the flight.

Cheers
JMH

Oh, JMH, aren't you the snob?
I fly Southwest. I book my seats anywhere from 7 days to 4 weeks in advance I am normally in the A group, and I do pick my seat.
I like Southwest because the flight attendants are funny and nice and because I get a free ticket about once every 6 weeks.
And when I do fly other airlines, I get people just as nasty sitting next to me. On Frontier, I had the stinky smelly girl who had not bathed anytime in the past 4 weeks.
On Delta, I had the arrogant business man who took over my tray so he could have a drink and use his laptop at the same time.

JMH - I will be willing to bet that you don't fly anywhere near as often as I do, and that you don't have to fly on the busy days - Mondays and Fridays.

So there, John! You, you, you snob you! Just like a typical pushy furriner, alla time wantin' ta tell us howta live our lives!

That's our job - fer you guys!

Didn't you get the memo?

Yep, I'm a snob, I believe in PPPPPP. If I don't get the seat I want because I was late in booking, I take the seat available, etc. In the case of young families, I am prepared to cooperate; for people who appear to be old enough to think for themselves, they should exercise that skill sooner rather than later. I hardened my heart on one flight after I "cooperated" on the second seat seat exchange.
I'm not certain how frequency of air travel militates against my statement; at best I fly fewer than 6-8 times a year.

Cheers
JMH
SNOB

John - please don't pick a fight! I'm the one who loses!

Just nod yer head and agree. Remember - we'll be in Canada this week - it ain't so big you can hide from SWWBO on the prowl...

Today's flight via Chicago to Detroit brought observed violations of 1,2, 8, 9 from my list.

And caused an addition.

10. It is *not* clever, because you don't like going through 'cattle call' on Southwest, to come to the gate with canes, feigning injury so that you can pre-board avoiding the indignity of a "C" boarding card - not clever when you brag about it in front of a passenger, who rats you out to the flight attendant... and gets you a public verbal spanking from the little old lady grandma, to the smirks of your fellow passengers.

Selfish little collegiate dicks.

Beth also thought I should mention - that comment and this were... "blogged while nekkid".

You can go wash your brain out with soap, now.

Well, okay, but don't ask me to change seats!
Oh and better hunt me down soon 'cause the skeeters aren't out yet.

Cheers
JMH

PS: I grew up with four sisters ....

With regards to Calliope's final word, figure cabin pressure drop into your calculations when deciding whether you've washed down enough of my father-in-law's molasses baked beans with beer.

There's a reason some MRE's and other rations are marked: "Not for in-flight consumption."

And triticale just hit on it.