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October 22, 2003

bully girls (and women)

This morning, Dean Esmay wrote about feminists and how they can bully people who disagree with them into submission.
He then relates this to the unhappily normal girl cattiness that happens all through life, really.

This brought back very sad and unhappy memories of my childhood and teenage and even adult fiends - uh, I meant friends.

I was one of those kids who never quite fit in. And even at age 50, I feel like I never really fit in. In kindegarten, I wore corrective shoes (parents spent a fortune back then trying to give little girls pretty feet that people like Acidman could love in later life).
Anyway, that kindegarten teacher made fun of the way I walked - I was very pigeon toed, and she made me try to walk a straight line in front of the other little girls in this very small private Catholic school.
From that day on, I was a pariah. I was teased mercilessly by the other little girls and our gym teacher, too (man was she butch, and her name was Kenny!) for my clumsiness. When I started to grow out of the clumsiness, kinda, one little girl, Ann James (wealthy little kid - her dad owned a string of car dealerships in St. Louis), found out that I was adopted (from her mother, no less) and the teasing began anew - no one wanted me that's why I was adopted.
And as I grew older, the fact that my parents were not as wealthy as their parents became a cause for meaness - and my dad did quite well, really.
I came home from school many, many times sobbing, and my mom would just hold me and we would cry together because of the meanness, the hurt and the utter futility of ever having any true friends. Yeah, I'd make a friend for awhile, but then the peer pressure of the other girls would eventually kick in and I'd be alone again.

Now, that may not have been so bad, really - I found my friends in books and in my artwork, and my pets.
But, it was a hellish way to grow up - my parents sacrificed for me to go to that school (Villa Duchesne, by the way - look it up), and it gave me nothing but heartache.
I went to that school all the way through 10th grade, when I finally broke down and begged my parents to send me to a different school. By then, though, I was a new girl in another all girls school, and never really made any friendships there, either.

To this day, I don't trust women as friends. I am still mostly a loner. I get along with men a lot more than I do women.

As an adult, I worked for Sprint Corporation for quite some time, and I ran into the same problems. I was in a particular group that was responsible for scheduling and billing special phone lines - One day, the group called a meeting (without my knowledge) they pulled me into it and then with the help of my supervisor, spent 45 minutes complaining about me. Their complaints? I worked too hard, did too much and was too smart - therefore, I made them look dumb. I stood up to leave the meeting, and my supervisor, Cindy, grabbed me by the arm and shoved me down into my chair.
At that point, I was hysterical, and sobbing mightily. I got up again and left.

Mind you, I was a recently divorced single mom at this point, and I desperately needed the job. I went to our manager, and she told me it was my fault, that I was too smart and that I should play dumb, then I'd get along ok.
I was shocked, so I got out of that group, and stayed with Sprint for another 5 years before getting out and moving up.

I still dread working with women. Fortunately, because I am a techie geek person, most of my coworkers now are men.

I often wonder how many other women were so abused by other women, what is it about women that makes them want to unite against one person and make their life miserable?

50 years old, and I can still cry when I think about it all...

Posted by Beth at October 22, 2003 8:54 PM

Comments

Boy we have a lot in common. I of course never fit in anywhere, not even in the family that adopted me. The relatives (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) made that crystal clear throughout my life. I don't know for certain but I'll bet you that many if not most adopted people feel as if they don't quite fit in.

I prefer having a male boss and male co-workers, when I worked. Something about females, I don't know what it is. Back stabbers and all. I bet one of the main issues is jealousy.

I wasn't popular throughout my school career either. Mostly I don't think about all that though. Kids can be cruel. I think about that when I take my son to his Kindergarten class and I walk through the halls. I think to myself, "Boy am I glad I don't have to go through this again."

Sincerely,
Jennifer Martinez

Posted by: Jennifer Martinez at October 22, 2003 10:26 PM

Beth & Jennifer: I am an adoptee also. At birth - in Long Beach California, August 1957.

I know of what you speak, Beth, but I was such a loner in school I never really noticed. I had 2 or 3 friends at most through school, and my dogs and horses, and that's all I wanted.
My most traumatic moment in grade school came when my BEST friend called me "Adopto" and everyone in the lunch line laughed... Yeah, I went home that day in tears, but it got worse because my mom went to school the next day in all her righteous fury! ;) All still firmly etched in my mind... I was mortified.

I still have just a core group of friends - I can count them on one hand - but they are go to the mat with me kinda people.
I worked for 11 years in a large warehouse with 99% women, and witnessed what women can do to each other; don't get me wrong - it wasn't like a bad prison movie or anything, just the nitpickey crap that can start is amazing and puzzling but again, I was a loner and had my core group of friends and did not get involved.

I don't think I could do without my women friends, though we're strewn all around the country, but neither could I do without my men friends! I'm with you; men can be wonderful pals! ;)

Jennifer: My brother and I were both adopted at birth, and even though my mom and dad tried to make us feel as if we were part of the family, it just didn't work. We weren't "recognized" by one grandmother and when the much ballyhooed family tree was released [in book form!] of course we weren't in it because we didn't matter. Though I now understand that, it just made me feel like an outcast at the time.
I DO think that there's a feeling of not belonging in all adoptees, slight or overwhelming.

Sorry to be so long, Beth! And, though I'm a woman, you can trust me. [I have references!]


Posted by: pam at October 23, 2003 6:51 AM

I totally understand. I went to a private school where I was picked on by the girls, and one boy, and came home crying every day. Though I didn't have a mother to hold me (woulda been nice) I did find friends through pets, art, and music. I now work in an all male environment, where I am still the butt of everyone's jokes, but it's not the same. There's just something about women, and when they're envious of you they can be so cruel. Men are just horny all the time and you start to get used to the sex jokes. I may love women but I don't have many women friends for the same reasons as you.

Posted by: Sam at October 23, 2003 4:36 PM

Well-expressed post. I did not have any physical difficulties growing up as you did. My parents were not particularly less or more weathy than anyone else's. I was a normal looking girl, probably even pretty although I was told that I wasn't so that I wouldn't ever have any confidence. The reason why girls were so mean to me? None, other than school age girls like to be mean, ugly and spiteful to other girls. The cruelty did not really surface until high school, and that's when my back was being stabbed repeateadly. My fault was that I was too trusting of others. I would confide in someone I thought was a friend, then she would go about blabbing to everyone.

My high school reunion was weird, and I was nice to everyone, but very guarded, and they could sense that. It took me several years to finally learn how to trust a woman friend again. I'm lucky I have two sisters that stuck by me and showed me that not all women are completely evil.

I have shed a lot of tears as well, over all the total bullshit I had to put up with from women who tried to bring me down out of sheer pettiness.

Like you, I work in the IT field and with a TON of men. Life is a lot easier working with males. I will gladly put up with the occasional stare I get from a guy looking at my boobs, in exchange for not having to put up with the endless critiques of my wardrobe and ruthless backstabbing that come with working with females.

Posted by: sugarmama at October 24, 2003 1:45 PM

I'm picked on by one girl who has been my best friend for 4 years. After losing my other best friend in June due to jealousy i went down hill i was constantly depressed and i got voices in my head. This best friend didn't understand what was happening and now because i live fashion i suddenly become a bad person (to her)

Posted by: Em at January 20, 2004 4:50 AM