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December 02, 2004
Horrid Holiday Hogwash
Allan of Inside Allan's Mind made a very generous donation to Spirit of America and sent me the receipt before midnight last night. So, I owe him fifty reasons why I hate the holidays.
Some of the reasons I hate the holidays are due to the fact that I had the most glorious Christmas's as a child, and I can't compete with what my folks did and unfortunately, both of my parents are dead, so I can't celebrate holidays with them any more, except in spirit:
1. Santa does not wake me up with a jolly Ho Ho Ho on Christmas morning like he did for many years when my sister, Anne, and I were growing up. (true - I have pictures)
2. I can't find any matching pj's with feet in them that have a Christmas theme for both myself and John. (Uncle Nick always gave us those and National Geographic for Christmas)
4. No fresh, live Christmas tree with a root ball that we can plant after New Year's. (The home I grew up in had both sides of a large backyard lined with our past Christmas trees - We tried it once, the dogs peed on it to death).
3. It reminds me that we don't have a fireplace, so there is nowhere to hang the Christmas stockings (on the other hand, Mrs. Claus does not have to go shopping to find appropriate stocking gifts).
A lot more of my Christmas humbug is because I feel guilty that I can never live up to even my own crumby expectations of being a good mom and wife over the holidays:
4. I have to go shopping. I don't want to go shopping, nor do I have a lot of time to shop.
5. I have to go shopping for gifts. Shit, what *do* these people want?
6. I have to go shopping for gifts for people I only see once or twice a year. And then, I don't get around to mailing the gifts until March, if I'm lucky.
7. I have to go shopping for dresses for holiday parties. Nothing fits because of holiday parties.
8. I hate shopping.
9. I feel guilty because I put off shopping until the last minute and I email everyone Amazon gift certificates.
10. Did I mention how much I hate to shop?
11. We have to drag the tree out of the basement and spend hours perfectly placing the ornaments that the kitties will displace as quickly as they can.
12. Oh, golly, I should put something up on the front door.
13. That means I'll have to go shopping for a wreath.
14. I always get scheduled to go on business trips before Christmas. Next week, Oklahoma City, the week after, beautiful Bridgeport, Connecticut (don't worry, I stay in Milford - a little safer).
15. I should make Christmas cookies. I might manage bourbon balls (: (my mom made 13 different kinds of cookies each year - we spent days baking for Christmas and ended up with close to 20 large tins full of cookies for the holidays - always had a plate of cookies out for the family and/or guests).
16. I'll never get around to making Christmas cookies (see #14).
17. I should be working on my stained glass piece for my mother-in-law now instead of blogging. I started this piece over a year ago for last Christmas, or maybe the Christmas before.
18. I can't afford to buy John the tank he has always wanted );
19. Somehow, even with no cookies, I will end up fatter by the end of the holiday season.
20. I always fall asleep before midnight on New Year's.
21. Because of my job, I don't have the time to play guitar and sing at Christmas Mass. (used to do that when Andy was little and I was a stay-at-home mom).
22. There is always that expectation of a White Christmas - but here in Kansas, there is probably only a 10 to 20 percent chance of snow on December 25th - better that the odds in Florida, though!
23. I cry when I hear Christmas Carols and it is damned embarrassing. I can't even sing some of the carols without losing it - Little Drummer Boy, O Holy Night, Come All Ye Faithful.
24. I really hate the 'Christmas TV Specials' they repeat year after year - there have been some horrible animated films made in the name of Christmas, or at least in the name of Santa.
25. I'm sick of the Jessica Simpson's Christmas commercials. Ugh.
26. Too many people get pissed if you say Merry Christmas anymore - they want you to say Happy Winter Holiday!!
27. Someone will send me a Christmas card and I'll feel guilty because I don't send Christmas cards out.
28. I will invariably give someone a gift who has not even considered a gift for me, and they will be embarrassed and make me feel guilty.
29. I have to spend Christmas with lovely people who smoke incessantly. They have no no-smoking section in their house.
30. I will not be asked to contribute any food for Christmas (and I love to cook) because we live too far away from the relatives who smoke incessantly to carry food with us.
31. I will have to argue with my truly lovely sister-in-law about whether or not there are chipmunks in our yard. (she says there are no chipmunks in Missouri or Kansas - they are all ground squirrels - I have pictures).
32. I will have to listen the the snotty haughtiness of one particular vegan nephew who believes that everyone in the family are rubes - excepting himself, of course.
33. I will get mad because someone will mention that a particular niece (adorable and active and on the swim team, for goodness sake) is too heavy at dinner and berate her for what she eats.
34. I will spend the entire time worrying about our critters - some at the kennel, some at home.
35. Someone will brag about a particular vegan nephew and ask how Andy is doing in comparison.
36. The traffic will suck driving to the relatives house for Christmas.
37. The traffic will suck driving home from relatives the day after Christmas.
38. I will feel guilty because we don't visit the relatives often enough.
39. Then I'll get a little grumpy because no one ever visits us.
40. I will wear an entirely inappropriate outfit to at least one Christmas party - I'll think formal when it is supposed to be casual or the other way around.
41. My hair will not behave for an entire month.
42. I will feel really guilty because my sister and her family live in Buffalo and I have never been there and we rarely talk.
43. Someone at the family gathering will be sick and spread their germs around.
44. I bet I will end up on call for work over Christmas.
45. Someone I don't expect to give me a gift, will.
46. Someone will drop by unexpectedly, and I'll either be in the bathtub or the house will be a mess.
47. After New Year's are two long months of dark winter.
48. I won't live up to whatever resolution I make on New Year's.
49. It will take all day to take down the Christmas tree and untangle whatever mess our cats make up the lights and ornaments.
50. When it is all over, it will still only be 11 months before the whole thing starts up again - hardly enough time to recover.
Yes, I am a holiday ogre. I think we are all guilted into doing stuff we may not want to do and we are all supposed to be happy and joyful about it.
I cannot understand people who put up Christmas decorations in the middle of November and keep them up until February. I prefer to have a tree and decorations up from maybe December 22nd to January 1st - having the decorations and tree up for a short time makes it more special to me. I hate the pressure that people have to put up lights the weekend of Thanksgiving and I refuse to bow to that pressure.
Bah Humbug.
Posted by Beth at December 2, 2004 08:04 PM