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April 30, 2005

Random Remembrance

Over the 36 years, 10 months and 29 days I’ve spent going from a brown two-piece flight suit to a grey one-piece flight suit to a cammied two-piece flight suit, I did a couple of things that I’m really proud of, a bunch of things that scared the daylights out of me, a few things that I’m embarrassed about, several things that I regret not having done and nothing that I’m ashamed of having done.

I’m conversant in a couple of foreign languages and can make myself misunderstood in several more.

I’ve been to four continents and have made friends on each of them. I have been made keenly aware of the fragility of life on three of them.

I’ve eaten things that most of you would consider household pets and eaten others that any of you would stomp on in a heartbeat.

I learned early on to differentiate between a man and his rank and, slightly later on, that the life of a buck private is worth as much as that of a two-star general--and sometimes more.

I’ve led men in combat and taught others to do so. I’ve taught new pilots to fly new aircraft and I’ve taught old pilots a couple of tricks that have enabled them to become older pilots. I’ve repaid Uncle Sam for his considerable investment in me by saving five aircraft that, by all rights, should have ended up either as sheet-metal mulch or as smoking holes in the ground--although the fact that I happened to be in them at the time may have made my motivation somewhat less than altruistic...

I have lost a lot of friends, but have made many more. I have learned to be a friend and have learned, sadly, that not all who claim friendship are deserving of it.

I have learned that it is futile to try to pin an eel into a bowl of Jell-O.

And, after 36 years, 10 months and 29 days, it’s time to move from flight suit and helmet bag to business suit and attaché case. Or flannel shirt, jeans and a hammer.

Yesterday was my last duty day. I complete outprocessing on Monday--if they find my %$#@! medical records.

Note to the YaYa BlogSisterhood: I called in a couple of favors and scored a one-piece flight suit. Heh. The 27” zipper ain’t goin’ anywhere…

So, you can call me CW4(Ret)BillT, or Bill the former Rotorhead or just plain ol' Bill--the beer’s been on ice since yesterday and the bar’s open!


[Armorer sneaks in, nails this up - copyright image, used with permission!)

Welcome to the All Service Semi-Old Farts Battalion, Bill!

by CW4BillT on Apr 30, 2005 | General Commentary

April 29, 2005

More intercepted Guardian Angel Traffic.

Since SPC Heartless Libertarian no longer needs the extra Guardian Angel detail, it appears that ANGCOM has diverted the team to MSG Keith, to keep him safe from "short-timer-itis!"

Subject: Status

Acer -- you aren't going to believe this, but they've changed our orders *again*. At first I thought they were going to send us back to the Tuttle detail, but by the time the stun charge wore off the guys had confirmed we're headed for Afghanistan. Good news is this Keith fellow doesn't fly helicopters. Bad news is he flys *in* them, and likes to take pictures while hanging out open bay doors. It's enough to make you grow scales.

Did you have any luck changing Pookie's status?

Stay light,


Carbo you damn bomb magnet. Who the hell did you piss off at ANGCOM? And thanks a bundle for leaving us Tuttle. We asked for volunteers (direct order for that, BTW) and I've never seen so many deaf GAs in my celestial lifetime. Got a couple of juniors to step up. They think they are badasses, THAT detail ought to set them straight.

Look, bud, Pookie is a *stuffed bear*. You can't claim him as a dependent, OK? Even if Mental Health told you to take care of him.

Watch yer six,

Hat tip to Bad Cat Robot, who runs the Castle Intercept Service.

Update: Bill isn't the only one to be hard on his Guardian Angels:

Seven soldiers awarded Distinguished Flying Crosses

Those are Silver Star equivalents, folks. Second *Third* only to the Medal of Honor and Distinguished Service Cross. Those are some abused angels!

Hat tip: Heartless Libertarian.

Break time.

Okay, the brief is off to my boss for hacking and slashing, and since I'm not at work on their equipment, I can post... my temp is rising, so any bad english or typos will be blamed on that.

Bill has noted I like posting pics of aircraft in distress.

Guilty. Have to remind myself they *earn* that extra pay.

So, what's wrong with this pic? (heh. Yer all bein' nice to me today - more properly, what's wrong with the *airplane* in this pic?)

Take a good look, and after you guess, hit the extended entry for the answer. Since the spring-butts will put the answer in the comments - make your guess and hit the extended entry before scanning the comments. More fun that way, I would think.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows... »

by John on Apr 29, 2005 | Aircraft
» All AgitProp, all the Time... links with: Spectacular...

Gun Zen

The crud has migrated to the chest, enough so that I finally conceded and didn't go into the office today. Via the joys of a wireless connection (and anticipating the event yesterday) I brought the work machine home and will be slaving away, anyway. Dang those suspenses. But, since I slept in, feel like crap, and gotta get this thing done - here's what I've got for you today, courtesy the Admiral of the Moat Fleet and the Blogfather.

Gun videos! Prolly ought to right-click and save-as, but do whatcha want...

Via Boquisucio: Fun with machineguns!

Remember Jaws? Where Roy Scheider shoots the scuba tank in the shark's mouth? I remember when I saw the movie thinking - that kinda steel wouldn't fail that way... but aluminum might. Well, someone has tested the theory. The shark prolly would have been unhappy, regardless...

And finally... *rubbing bald head, staring at nothing* "the horror... the horror..."

Did someone mention cannon? Cannon-cockers? Heh. Musta been me. No, wait - it was Murdoc - talking about the infantry of the 2nd Battalion, Eigth Regiment of FIELD ARTILLERY. AUTOMATIC!

But what's more important... besides that Jointness - is the ratio of 'Combined' (i.e., allied forces)... 3:1.

That, and the fact that they scored some eBay material there - all those Ba'ath Party medals!

April 28, 2005


Both Dusty and I, and two other friends of mine, contributed information to help Blogfather Jonah write his column that appears in today's edition of USA Today.

Might as well share our thoughts with all y'all. Of the four of us, Bennett nailed it best I think (see the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry).

Bennett also provided the best paragraphical summary:

Saw it in the print version this morning. Monday night, PBS had a conventional wisdom piece about the end of the war in 1975. Hardly a word about the massive conventional force attack by the PAVN, seems that ARVN just mysteriously collapsed. Sorley, McMaster, and Palmer have written the best works on the Vietnam War, but they are largely ignored. Interestingly, they are all military men, who either knew what was going on (Sorley, Palmer), or knew how to interprete the evidence (McMaster). Most of the press just read Sheehan and stop - they believe it is the definitive volume. You get a distorted view from the roof of a Saigon hotel. Substitute Baghdad for Saigon in the above sentence and you will understand how the current war's reporting might be just a little bit off the mark.

I invite you to read the rest below.

This just in: Someone thinks Jonah is wrong... As Dusty remarked - "File under "Pugnacious Stupidity."

Dad, Bill, - *I* think all y'all did what ya could to the best of your ability. I'm proud of what you did. The leaders lost that war - not the led. Of course, that's *usually* true.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows... »


Who am I to break the theme? I'm too sick right now, anyway, to want to do any thoughtful posting [Muffy, under her breath: "heh, when start?"]

I'm going to go ugly early. Everybody likes airplanes.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I have climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and
Soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along,
And flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew.

And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
the high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

Pilot Officer John Gillespie Magee, Jr

Heh. This is what Bill's comment refers to. From this post last December - By the way, Bill - Castle Argghhh! is #1 on the net for this poem.

Which reminds me--the starched-wing folks have Magee's High Flight, but only us helo types have Anonymous's Low Flight:

Oh, I have barely slipped the muddy clutch of Earth
And thrashed the skies on dusty, untracked rotor blades;
Earthward I've auto'ed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of moths and bees--and done a thousand things
That would scare the s**t out of you--skidded and drooped and flared
At weed-level. Hov’ring there,
I've chased the frantic armadillo, and lost
The race to insignificant headwinds.
Forward, and a little up, taunting LTE
I've topped the General's hedge with drooping turns
Where never Eagle, or even Warthog flew.
And, shaking with low-frequency vibration, I've lumbered
The low uncontrolled airspace below Victor Airways,
Put out my hand and searched for FOD.

Off the dime.

SGT B. of The Gun Line had been pretty quiet recently, so the other night I visited his site to see what he’d been up to, and to see what his collection of commenters had to say about his piping. While browsing the comments, I came across a familiar name: Huntress.

Huntress was the callsign of the AWACS bird patrolling off the East Coast. I’d worked a couple of joint ops with the Eye-in-the-Sky crews during the eighties and nineties, and, wondering if Huntress might be a new milblog started by an old associate, I stopped by.

Whoops. Entirely too pastel for a milblog, even an Air Force one. Blogger chick, I thought, then started to read the post I’d bumped into.

I was dead wrong. Not a blogger chick, a Lady.

And the Lady was hurt--she’d just lost a friend.

Stream of consciousness. Sadness, anger, grief. Outright misery. And a kick in the butt that finally got me to do this…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I’d like you, my new friends, to take a short walk with me to meet some of my old friends. They’re waiting for us at Fiddler’s Green. This way. I’ll talk as we go, okay?

Now, for the benefit of you denizens and visitors who aren’t quite sure what--or where--Fiddler’s Green is, I’ll give you a quick briefing. Fiddler’s Green is a waypoint, a rest halt for us military types who have stepped out of the Dance and started a longer journey.

It’s a place where we can kick back and have a last beer or two before continuing to our final assignment--The Proprietor set it up as kind of a decompression chamber for us uniformed types after we’ve passed through the various hells…

And, since Fiddler’s Green serves only beer, and we’re only visiting, The Proprietor has allowed me to drag the ‘rita-matic along for the Ladies.

Oooop--forgot to mention that General Order #1 is different here: No Tears. Mouring time is over--this is a party, not a weep-fest.

Heh. We’re there already. Toldja it was a short walk.

See those low tables under the trees? The kids wearing those two patches? Well, mostly kids…and a couple of older guys who only got here ‘bout a month ago…

Please click on Extended Entry to continue...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows... »

by CW4BillT on Apr 28, 2005 | General Militaria
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Getting off the Dime
» Villainous Company links with: The Enemy Within

April 27, 2005

The Army has the right idea...

John's post of the leg-challenged trooper reminded me of someone whose memory I respect perhaps more than anyone in combat aviation, then or now.

PLEASE read the whole thing...

Bader could never do that today...too many restrictions would never let him get anywhere near a jet...which, actually, doesn't make a lot of sense. If you don't have legs, you don't have to worry about blood pooling in the lower extremities during high-G maneuvering. The classic G-suit (Fast Pants, Speed Jeans, whatever you want to call 'em) wouldn't do you much good. However, comma, there is Combat Edge, so Bader could be fitted with equipment to keep the rest of his circulatory system ready for 9-G engagements.

I love the RAF. For one thing, they never, ever, ever lower their performance standards--not even for the Royals, I don't think--when it comes to training and qualifications. For another thing, at least up to now, they have broken the code on aviation regulations in their national airspace. We had a saying in USAFE, "Britain was invented by God for pilots." Even though I'm a UK immigrant's son, I'm not biased, either...heh.

Need something? Just ask. Just stay the hell away from the Purple Routes (Royal purple...get it?) and you could do damn near anything you wanted. Couple that with the fact that UK bombing range controllers were paid by the amount of munitions expended, and you've just entered Hog Heaven (pun intended). At a minimum, we'd leave 106 projectiles, per aircraft, on the range (6 BDUs and 100 rounds of 30mm TP) so if the Ranger heard a 4-ship of Hogs checking in on his freq (I'm not making this up) he'd kick other flights off the range (even fellow Brits) to make sure we got on.

I KNOW there are active duty amputees back out there in the "Rack"...the Army has the right idea: warriors are warriors are warriors. Like sled dogs, race horses and other hard chargers, if you don't want to let them do what they were born and want to do, you may as well shoot 'em. (OK, not really, but you get my point.) Why can't we do that in the fighter community? It's a dumb question, I know, but one can always hope.

By the way, what the Bader site fails to mention is that he--being Bader--talked his captors into allowing a one-time, low-level delivery of a new set of legs by air over the prison camp. "Yeah, OK." says the Kommandant. So far, so good...then he uses them to escape. I wonder what the German Stalagluft guard's equivalent of "Cheeky Bastard!" is...

So, the reason he never got away for good until liberation by First Army was his legs being confiscated every night to avoid an embarrassing repeat of the first attempt.

...and THAT, dear readers, is why we win wars...


SFC Michael McNaughton is one of five Army amputees running the Bataan Memorial Death March at White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico, a marathon honoring the World War II Bataan veterans. (Released)

News you can use.

Dusty noted the anniversary below, and some people (who *really* don't understand how the military works) in other places have commented on "How could someone who was involved in Eagle Claw become Chief of Staff?" I dunno, mebbe because as a senior Captain your part in the planning wasn't that huge... just a guess. Anyway - General Schoomaker, also a veteran of Desert One in Iran, took part in activiites commemorating the event. I can anticipate some of the snarks already...

Two steps forward, one step back. We adapt, so do they. Obviously, the Flags have been sent out to "Get Out The Word." They have to, the Usual Suspects are playing their Usual Refrain. Of course, the Government's own reports on the subject highlight the issue.

In it's attempts to help modernize personnel management, the Pentagon has a novel idea... when trying to decide who to let go during a Reduction In Force (RIF) use performance, rather than length of service, as a determining criteria. They are also building rules that would protect Veterans. I'm a cynic. While I support hiring preferences for veterans, I *do not* support a retention preference. They should have to be as good as the rest of the survivors of a RIF, in this veteran's humble opinion. Second layer of cynicism - if performance evaluations become a determinate - inflation will set in, and quickly. Still - they gotta try!

Some of my current work is in support of this initiative. That's all I got to say about it, other than I think the REF is a Good Thing.

In other news - Punctilious has a very good Denizen Round Up over at her place.

Rusty Shackelford over at My Pet Jawa has an interview series going that covers US hostages in Iraq. Go read Damned in the West.

Ry sends along this snippet from the New York Times about Canda's latest incarnation of the Canandian War Museum, to be rededicated in it's new digs on May 8, the 60th anniversary of VE-Day. It is on the Castle's list of Places to Visit.

by John on Apr 27, 2005 | Observations on things Military
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: News and Perspectives

News from Afghanistan

Good news, MSG Keith will be coming home. Bad news - Castle Loses Correspondent in Afghanistan, and our potential correspondent in Iraq has had that deployment canceled. That said - here is the latest (and perhaps last) Dispatch from Kabul.

Howdy everyone. Thought I would send out one last update. It looks like I will be wheels up on 17 May, heading back to Ft. Benning. I tried to get an extension until December, but it doesn't look like that's going to work out. Since my trip to the Panjshir in March, I haven't been out too much. Just some boring stuff around Kabul. I attended two National Army Volunteer Center grand openings in April. One in Jalalabad, one in Mazar-e-sharif.

13 Apr. Jalalabad is on the Pakistan border, about an hour flight by CH-47 Chinook helicopter from Kabul. The Chinook has a ramp in the back that stays open in flight, with a gunner manning the machine gun mounted on the ramp [pic is a door gunner. ed.]. Just in case.... The J-Bad Pass was pretty cool scenery..not as beautiful as the Panjshir, but then nothing is....well, maybe... Anyway, what struck me was that as we passed over this ridge, everything turned green below us with farmlands and trees. It was like flying over somewhere in Florida. We landed at the US PRT base (Provisional Reconstruction Team) and took vehicles to the governor's palace. As we were leaving the PRT, we drove through a grove. I looked at the trees and they were blooming. The more I looked I realized I recognized the blooms. They were tangerine trees!! Tangerines are big here as dessert. It never occurred that they were grown here..(dumb American.) Anyway as we drove through town, there were lots of kids waving at us. And something I noticed, as well as the driver I was with, was how many girls were here. Most places only had a few or no girls. We got to the palace and went in for tea, then to the ceremony. Lots of locals were there, including a few women. They did the usual speeches, giving out gifts (I got a hat and turban), sacrificed a goat for good luck (the building's, not the goat's...) then back to the palace for lunch. Lunch was rice with meat, with tangerines for lunch. Then back through town to the PRT. Couldn't believe how many trees here covered everything. Definitely different than Kabul.

19 Apr. Mazar-e-shariff is up near the Uzbekistan border. Lots of history there. The northern alliance fought from there against first the Soviets then the Taliban then against each other. There's a big castle there. It's where the first US casualty in the war in Afghanistan occurred. The castle was being used as a POW holding area when some prisoners obtained some weapons and tried an escape. Mike Spann, a CIA operative, was killed in the fighting. There is a monument in the castle. The castle is big enough that the Soviets used to drive tanks around the top of the walls. We went out to the Afghan Regional Command Center to visit some troops and do stuff generals do. We passed an old abandoned Soviet airbase, look at the photo called, the Alamo. Lots of bullet pock marks all over the buildings. LOTS..... MES was a lot greener than it was in January when I was here, and a lot less muddy. We had lunch at a restaurant called The Wedding Club. Food was VERY good. Some of the best Afghan flat bread I've had since I've been here. And tangerines for dessert. Back to the airfield to load up on the C130 and back to Kabul. The flag photo was at KIA (Kabul International Airport) in the morning and the sunset photo was there when we got back. Long day.

I have 21 days and a wakeup. It's been fun. Wish I could stay longer. Hope I get to come back again someday.Thank all of you for writing emails, writing letters, sending cards, packages, and your well wishes. It is a great morale booster to hear from home. I highly recommend you visit, find a soldier there and send them whatever they are asking for. Believe me, it helps. See you soon. Some sooner than others.

For those who would like to, you can see all the pictures MSG Keith has sent us in this album here. Feel free to download them - if you publish them we ask only that you credit MSG Keith Johnston personally, and Castle Argghhh! generally. And say something nice.

A music video containing many more images from MSG Keith and others he's worked with is available here. I *strongly* recommend you right click and "save as" to view this video.

Keep clearing the Danger Areas, Keith! And thank you for sharing your tour with us!

April 26, 2005

News around the Army

GEN Cody has strong words for his audience. I wonder how it will play in Peoria?

"Peace will be the exception for the United States Army. War will be the norm," said Gen. Richard A. Cody, the Army's vice chief of staff and himself an aviator.

He also echoed the sentiments or President Bush, who has said that the spread of democracy is the mission of the age.

"The call of the Founding Fathers has become the cause of our time," he said.

Read the whole thing here.

"War will be the Norm" Heh. If they have the memory, I suspect the Dems will be running with that one. And if the Republicans can't find themselves some leaders - I think the Dems will stage a small come-back in Congress. Way too early to tell for the Presidency. I just hope the Republicans are learning all the lessons in how not to let a party with a majority get much of it's agenda passed, but with Senate Republicans, I'm not very confident. Moving on...

If war is going to be the norm, here's some guys who will pull their share: Capt. Corbett McCallum and Sgt. 1st Class Gerald Nelson, winners of the Best Ranger Competition. To continue...

I think those of us holding on the possibility that Syria is holding significant stocks of Saddam's WMD program should probably let that go, at least as a point of argument absent new information. The government just published the report in final form that pretty much says, "Sanctions were working". Saddam had to divert so much effort into maintaining his lifestyle he didn't have the resources to pursue his dreams. Even if he still held on to his dreams. We can still debate the wisdom of the invasion - but I think supporters probably ought to drop the WMD issue, absent new credible information. That said, there is a certain academic in the region who preaches against sanctions whose nose I'm going to rub in the report. The Duelfer Report itself is available here. No, I haven't had time to read it. Gimme a break. If you are a real glutton for punishment - read the report on the Intel Community, since they're the ones who dropped the ball in advising the Executive - dating back to Clinton's days. Speaking of the need to change...

Still flexin' and adaptin'. This time, reworking the Avenger Air Defense system for Convoy Escort Duty... too bad we can't bring back the Quad-Fifty!

Flex and adapt, flex and adapt. It's a dance. This time in searching for IEDs. And speaking of the need to find and avoid IEDs and "War is the Norm"...

The 48th BDE, Georgia Army National Guard, gets ready for another trip to the Sandbox out at Fort Irwin. I helped train these guys for their planned trip to GW1 that ended when the 100 hour war ended. These guys have earned their bones, and the Regulars should acknowledge that.

Speaking of Combat Training Centers - how many of us Old Soldiers remember any training of this caliber? This time at the Joint Readiness Training Center at Fort Polk, LA.

Still serving.

April 25, 2005

Out of the ashes...

Twenty-five years ago yesterday, a couple of classmates of mine went on a mission from which many did not return. One of my buds was laid up in the burn center at Brooks for awhile but he's OK now. The Air Force took the most casualties (5 dead) and the Marines came in second (3 dead). Many were captured and the snake-eaters supporting the op almost got bagged to boot.

Fast forward...the sole USAF helo pilot involved, Col (Ret) Russell "Rotor" Rakip, died this past year and when he did, the blue suiters lost a fighter.

Desert One sucked, but out of the ashes rose what is today the most formidable special forces capability on the face of the earth. Colonel Rakip helped make it so. I never knew him, but my classmates did and they miss him...a lot.

Rest in Peace, Rotor. You made a difference...probably more than you know.

by Dusty on Apr 25, 2005 | Historical Stuff
» The Glittering Eye links with: Catching my eye: morning A through Z
» Blog o'RAM links with: Visits With The Denizens


Today is ANZAC Day, the Australia-New Zealand equivalent to Memorial Day.

New Zealand Website on ANZAC Day.

The Australian Equivalent.

The Gallipoli Campaign was the brainchild of Winston Churchill, an attempt to force the Dardanelles and reach the Black Sea, freeing up the Russian Black Sea Fleet and opening up new routes of supply and a new thrust at the Austrians and Germans via the Balkans. Churchill really had the hots for the idea that Italy and the Balkans represented the "soft underbelly" of Europe. He was to be all for going in that way during WWII, as well. Gallipoli, along with the treatment and use of Commonwealth troops in France, marked the high tide of Britain's command and control of Commonwealth Forces. The propensity of British Generals to use non-UK troops for the really bloody work, while at the same time treating them as second-class citizens, caused the command relationships to be much different in WWII. Especially since, pound for pound, the Commonwealth soldiers were in main, better quality troops than those from the UK (exceptions on both sides abounding, of course). Like it or no, the colonials were, if nothing else, generally healthier than their UK counterparts.

Regardless, all the soldiers quality was oft-times squandered by execrable generalship.

In case there is any doubt how Australians felt about it, this picture is of the Sydney Memorial.

For the Turks? This was a moment of great pride for them, marking as it did the end of a long slide to obscurity and mediocrity, and cemented Ataturk's reforms and the establishment of a secular state - and gave the Army the imprimatur of the guardian of the state's secular nature - though that hasn't always gone well...

The Arsenal at Argghhh! has several items with an ANZAC connection. Our WWI-era Vickers machine gun is an ex-Turkish gun - and by the serial number is *not* one of the ones provided to Turkey in 1940 (to keep them neutral) but is in all probability a captured gun, reworked (the Turks were always tinkering with their weapons, trying to stretch their service life.

Hi-res, click here, here, here, and here.

Second, we have a M1893 Turkish Mauser, which is quite possibly (by age and ship date to Turkey) but unverifiably a Gallipoli vet. This rifle sports a Sanderson-made M1907 bayonet, captured by the Turks and reworked to fit the Mauser. We also have a 2nd Military District bayonet (Australian) that has been through the same treatment. Since invading at Gallipoli was a Brit idea, it's the Brit bayonet that hangs on the Turk rifle.

Hi-res, click here.

Last, but not least, are the dogtags. Body recovery being tough in the conditions under which the campaign at Gallipoli was fought, when Aussie troops went 'over the top' many would leave a bayonet or stick stuck in the sandbags or walls of the trench, with their dogtags hanging from 'em. If, after the battle, they were still there...

For the Commonwealth soldier, the equivalent of Taps is the Last Post.

Now is the time at Castle Argghhh! when we dance: In Memoriam

Midnight maundering

I just got a letter from one of my RVN buds who now lives in Burlington (yup--there are conservatives in Vermont. I know both of them). He sez:

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole “Venus and Mars” thing. And I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.

For example: one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "Huh? What was that?" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am, and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at [insert name of large unnamed department store]. I walked around with her while she tried on several different (and very expensive) outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her, “We'll just buy them all.”

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Just get a pair for each outfit.”

We went onto the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was excited, even though she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet -- she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was definitely excited. She finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank. Her jaw dropped and she said, “Huh? "WHAT?!?"

I said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she started to look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am, and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight, either…

And, for having had the unmitigated temerity to laugh my fool head off when I read it, neither am I...

by CW4BillT on Apr 25, 2005 | I think it's funny!
» uruloki's lair links with: Satisfying needs