April 26, 2007
It's Friday Non-Cat Blogging Time Again!
Well, it’s Thursday, so that means it’s time for the normal (naaah -- nuthin’s ever *normal* around here) standard (naaah -- too milspeaky) usual round of Friday Non-Cat Blogging. Ummmm -- at least until the SBB collectively ODs on *cute*. Fat chance -- they're made of sterner stuff. After all, neither Barb, nor BCR, nor FbL have swooned over *me* since -- uhhhh -- since -- errr --
[sound of 120 watt incandescent bulb bursting into illumination]
-- well, since they ackshully *met* me. [Time to drag that pic out of the darkness! - the Armorer]
Hmmmmmpf.
Anyway, everybody’s seen that “Everything I Learned, I Learned From My Dog” bit, right? You know, the one that starts with “Always turn around three times before you lie down,” “It’s not a real kiss unless it’s wet and sloppy,” et cetera, et cetera?
Today’s edition is “Stuff You Learn From A Puppy That Has Real-World Applications.” Such as, "Vinca looks like violets but they're not as tasty."
Today's lesson continued below (you're *not* getting off that easy)...
· Leashes work both ways.
· Just because somebody bites you on the butt, it doesn’t mean they *don’t* like you. It could just be a teething issue.
· Acorns. Bleccch.
· Being born with a set of Wusthof paring knives for toenails is a big help when you’re climbing up dad’s leg, but they’re not much good when you’re trying to get on top of a row of Belgian blocks.
· Having big feet is cute until you want to walk along the top of a row of Belgian blocks. Or until you have to pee. Especially if you’re still on top of the Belgian blocks.
· If you absolutely *must* stick your foot in your mouth, don’t forget to lick between your toes.
And, most important of all in these stressful times,
· At least once a day, grab a few minutes to stop and eat the roses.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!April 19, 2007
Friday Non-Cat Blogging
I can't really engage in Friday Cat-Blogging because the only cat around lives with the folks on the corner; he checks out the songbird menu through the fence, casts a jaundiced eye at the scruples jaundicely eyeing *him*, then splits.
I can't follow Maggie's innovative, cutting-edge lead on Friday Colon-Blogging; since I've never given a bunch of barflies a vertical smile, I just don't have the streetside plate glass window cred. I could probably get away with Friday Semi-Colon Blogging, though, since I've already used two of 'em.
But that wouldn't blow the bandwidth budget out the back door.
Soooo, I'll do a little Friday Non-Cat-Critter-But-Acts-Like-a-Cat-Blogging.
Meet Gaby, the newest scruple. A baby Tasmanian devil.
Ummmm -- okay, she's actually an Australian shepherd pup. But this is one of the few pix I got that doesn't show just a brown-tan-white blur. As far as acting like a cat goes, three seconds after I caught her tugging on the vegetation, she pounced my toes, popped a foot into the air, grabbed my leg with all four paws and started climbing.
Got to my knee and just hung there like Were-Kitty on the only pole in three states.
Or the only Pole in Eastern Europe.
More later. She just woke up and wants to see if twigs taste any different after dark...
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!
August 18, 2006
S.I.T.
As in, "I said, 'SIT!'--not 'Assume a good prone firing position...' "
Meet Scruple-In-Training Toby, who's technically not a scruple because he has a genuine owner.
However, said genuine owner claimed he was absolutely impossible to train, so KtLW volunteered the services of the local Dog Whisperer--me.
After a week of Basic, he heels like a champ, fetches, comes-sits-flops-stays on command and is totally housebroken (except for an early misunderstanding about the purpose of a throw-rug).
Welllll, he does it for *me*, anyway. She's still having problems with him 'cuz I haven't told her The Secret of Consistent Obedience--in other words, just *what* it is I whisper into the little tyke's ear...
"Hellooooo, puppy, puppy, puppy! Aren't you a little cutie! Guess what--we're gonna play a game: I'll tell you to do something and then you do it or I'll kill you."
Heh. Works every time...
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!March 24, 2006
Introducing *Canis Scrup'lis*
Heh. Punctilious is posolutely absitively sure that she's got the definitive representation of a scruple.
Ummm--not quite.
Just in case anybody's operating under the misapprehension that I've got a pack of pink felines lording it over the demesne when they're not skittering through the blogwall to plot the annexation of the blogosphere, I figure it's past time to introduce the miscreants.
The furry 55-gallon drum with legs in the foreground is Scout.
At left rear, Muffy the Merciless is sizing up the deer across the street.
Jake is center--he actually *does* have a right ear, but he's got this knack of pointing it straight back whenever he hears something interesting but can't be bothered to actually look.
KC is the ambulatory Brillo pad in search of the cookie she figures is somewhere behind Door Number One.
And this is as close to a formal portrait as it gets. I was lucky the squirrels were raiding the bird feeder at Ed the Neighbor's, otherwise this would just be a shot of gaussian blurs with teeth...
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!February 20, 2006
Argghhh! This is what happens when you have loose scrup'ls!
You leave early to take SWWBO to the airport. Someone leaves the kitchen door open... and the computer is always-on, what with broadband and all...
And on the internet, the pizza place doesn't know you're a scrup'l.
So, ya come home to find the scrupl's have ordered in a little pizza, killed the tequila and a bottle of wine, had some Texas Toast, a little Irish Creme for dessert...
And look guilty as hell.
Of course, as you can see, the Interior Guard was quick to do what they do - point out the problem and go, "I watched 'em! I saw 'em do it! It was them! Those three! Those great hulking brutes!"
"Huh?"
"Why didn't I stop 'em?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question. You're coming in broken and stupid. They're HUGE!!! I wasn't getting in their way! I report, *you* decide. That's what Staff is for!"
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!February 16, 2006
A little more explainin'
MaryAnn asked a question in the comments that many of you who are not long time readers may ask yourself. Since I used today as a day to put up the Disclaimers of Argghhh!, I might as well add an explanation of how comment moderation works at the Castle, and how we try to maintain a friendly Island in a Sea of Moonbats - and how we stay mostly invisible to Moonbats. Well, that and not saying anything that really attracts 'em anymore.
So, step behind the curtain in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry, and meet the PG-17C.
Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows Reporting As Ordered, Sir!December 27, 2005
A note from the Exterior Guard.
Who were a tad grumpy they stayed here while we went to visit the Center of the Familial Universe.
Top 10 [Heh, they can't count) Exterior Guard "pet" peeves about the Armorer.1. Blaming your farts on us . . not funny . . . not funny at all! ! !
2. Yelling at us for barking. Do we yell at YOU for TALKING? We're FRIGGIN' DOGS, YOU IDIOT! It's what you hired us for (and about that pay thing...)
3. Taking us for a walk, then not letting us check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on our noses . . stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. That's why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Well, that and see the "pay thing" above.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. Butthead.
7. Taking us to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when we freak out every time we go back! Dogs don't get painkillers! Okay, okay, thetre *is* hat tasty chondroitin thingy, but you get the point...)
8. Getting upset when we sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ? ? ? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when we lick ourselves. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
11. Lay off on some of these things; we both know who's boss here (you don't see *us* picking up your poop do you ? ? ? ) Oh, speaking of poop - get rid of those automatic cat-litter boxes... those crunchy tootsie-rolls are a perk (see that "pay thing," above)!
Heh. You can see how hard the job is...
H/t, Jim C.
Update: Don't you *dare* remove those automatic toilets, or we'll blarg on your pillows! They're kewl! Signed, The Interior Guard.Reporting As Ordered, Sir!
March 17, 2005
Argghhh!!!
I think I'll go home and bury myself in a bottle of tequila... I will *be* the worm...
Dusty links to Lowry today in The Corner - where Lowry is posting the stuff I posted yesterday... but Dusty's post gets linked and mine goes unmentioned (note to self, *quality* apparently *does* matter)...
Bill thought I was mad at him this morning. Not enough emoticons, apparently...
Cassie is snarking me and I don't have time to properly enjoy it. And that's *really* aggravating... Lioness is making kissy-face with Cassie (well, I *do* like to watch) in the comments.
Sgt B is snarking me about my non-functional collection pieces... Dude - IT'S THE LAW "ROUND HERE! (snarl, spit, growl)
And SWWBO *still* ain't home and leaves again on Sunday...
*looks aroundly darkly with slitted eyes...*
Man! I'm gonna set the scruples loose on all y'all!
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!March 13, 2005
This Post Rated--Waitaminnit
>>hzz. name muffy welcome hy-umuns and feline lady-typeses and hy-umun mans-what-be-gentle (heh) to morning edition castle msm. today visit mawk, were-kitty and afsister on prowling bout castle environs. not worry ladies--
>>hzzz. only be one lady with multiple-personality disorder.
--for castle msm purpose, is three. all part of subtleness of role-pleh by afsis.
>>hzzzzzz. afsis subtle. hzzzzzz. funny.
>>hzz. as name muffy say before such rudeness of interruption, ladies not worry. minicam over litterbox *not* work. hzzzzzzz.
>>hzz. minicam work. name jake and name kc test live feed and digital camcorder both.
>>hz. name dolt. is ruse de guerre. make holodeck wet ladies thinking okay. very subtle.
>>hz. name jake not see subtlety.
>>hzz. [for an audio transcript of the succeeding dialogue, click here]
>>hzz. where name scout? need get rolling here or lose audience. market share go into garderobe.
>>hzzzz. not see. not see bigfoot also. last time see by scrupl crate with name scout. not see anybody cept name muffy and name kc since bad cat robot-lady doojigger get scrup'ls de-substantiated and reconstituted in last thread.
>>hzzz. see nobody? can only mean one thing
>>hzzz. exactness. cookie jar unguarded.
>>hzzzzzz. par-tay!
[*scamper-scamper*]
[*pop*]
Ow. Head feel like Meteor Crater pless five nanosecond after impact. Name Scout hurt in places hitherto undreamed of. Whooochilly also. Waitaminnit. Where fur? Whuhthumbses?
[*pop*]
>>hzzz. ow. ooooh, pain-pain-pain. mustve taken a header off the ladder again--lucky this fur wrap cushioned the--fur? i got fur? and--ooof--how come i cant stand alla way up? And whered that old geek over there come from?
What name Scout be do over *there* when name Scout sit right over *here*? [*thought balloon: hmmmpfnot much padding, either.*]
>>hzzi mean, hey! whats up with the claws? and thisoh, geez. a tail. scouts tail. %#@$! im gonna disassemble a certain evil feline mechanoid in about zero seconds--
Bigfoot? Talk like Bigfoot but name Scout only see name Scout.
>>hzzdaggitt! that desubstantiation thingumabob musta re-assembled us in each others bods!
Ooooh. Means only one thing. *Now tall enough reach cookie jar*!
[*running footsteps fading toward kitchen*]
>>hzzi mean, gaaah! scout, get my butt back here right now! #@%&!--somebody tell me i didnt just *say* that
[*scamper receding towards kitchen*]
W-e-e-l-l-l-l, ladies an gents, twould appear that the Simultaneous Holoscan Insertionfest at Sarge B.s and Barbs had wider ramifications than just blowing all their comments to smithereens! What will happen next? And when?
Ooooohthe possibilities
Heh.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir!
Blog o'RAM links with: You Know You've Been Spending Too Much Time at the Castle When...
February 24, 2005
>>Hzzzzzzz.
>>alertness hy-umuns.
>>all your data are belong to us. also all your stats. name cthulhu booger, get scrup'l butt offa photoshop. scrup'ls have not tail like thing live in oubliette pless.
For Longtime Castle Denizens... analysis, please.
[Armorer's Note: Look who has set up an office at the Castle...! I *knew* I should have changed the da*n locks!]
I was preparing some links for this mornings post and, at about 1:15am, there was an inexplicable power failure in the Armory. The emergency lighting also failed and the protective irises on the security cams closed, but the newly-installed digital audio system continued to function normally.
The following is a transcription of the odd activities which evidently occurred during the blackout:
[*rattle, rattle-click. scurry-scurry-scamper-scurry.*]
>>hzzz. bad cat robot lady gadget work. sweet.
>>name jake, look for big-tribble-with-legs.
[*scurry. thump. scurry.*]
>>not see, name muffy. prolly play with cat-thing name annie.
>>name scout, look for bigfoot.
>>who that?
>>gray fur on top of head look like squashed tribble. feet look like battleship row.
>>that rotorhead. prolly fixing heater in big water dish outside wall.
>>name scout same name dimbulb. rotorhead persona, only lectrons. bigfoot real. same thing john of ack lectron persona, big-tribble-with-legs real.
>>name muffy, find cat-thing name hal. name hal say bigfoot not here.
>>hzzzz. maybe at white fur lady pless apologizing for scrupl mess again. name kc, fetch scrupl butt over here and also bring scrupl nose.
>>who die, make name muffy king crap?
>>name kc be name mud if not get scrupl buns over now. name muffy think great idea. scrupl crate not big enough confine great thought. f-r-e-e-e-e-d-o-o-o-m-m.
>>express of surprise. also of disbelief that head of name muffy could contain thought of any size.
>>name now mud. put nose to many-small-blocks-cage and press this.
[click] a
..hzzz. name jake, go donjon pless, watch. if see big-tribble-with-legs, come back.
>>name jake gets cookie if does this?
>>cookie at white fur lady pless. name mud, press this.
[click] l
>>again.
[click] l
>>hzzzzz. need nano e.m.p. subcortex interface for puter. this slow like church on new years eve.
>>name muffy, find cat-thing name annie. name annie say big-tribble-with-legs and pretty-lady-who-scratches-cat-chin go visit strine beer-food-beer pless.
>>hzzzz. name mud, press here.
[click]
>>now here.
[click] y
>>name scout, look through hole in wall of white fur lady pless, watch for bigfoot. hzzzzz. scrupls make mess size of cthulhus butt there last night, bigfoot be there for cleanup. ears prolly still ache from las time white fur lady throw crying jag over trivet. name mud, press here.
[click] o
>>hzzzz. this take all millennium this rate.
>>name muffy. bigfoot see name scout at white fur lady pless and freak. chase name scout over to barb lady pless.
>>hzzz. big pless, lossa small hidey-rooms. be there all night try catch name scout. name mud, press here.
[click] u
>>and here.
[click] r
>>name muffy, donjon pless locked. bigfoot take bad cat robot lady toolkit. cookie, plizz.
>>name jake go white fur lady pless and do roll-over-play-possum. white fur lady sucker for cute scrupl tricks. then name jake make crumbs for keep bigfoot occupied. name mud, here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] d
>>name muffy, what is great idea name muffy have?
>>this place nexus. scrupl take over here, then next blog. then next blog. create empire in blogosphere.
>>name mud think that name muffy delusional.
>>press here, name mud. name be cthulhu-booger soon.
[click] a
>>name muffy be too flippant bout cthulhu. elder gods tough cookies.
>>what happen when nyarlathotep fall through hole in fabric of space-time continuum last week and demand bren and czech sks as tribute?
>>big-tribble-with-legs tell nyarlathotep to go pound sand for not knowing czechs never make sks.
>>and?
>>riverbank now much smaller.
>>press here.
[click] t
>>and here.
[click] a
>>name muffy, hear name scout scurry back.
>>press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] a
[*scurry-clatter*]
>>name muffy, bigfoot chase. ditched at jarhead pless when tripped over sandbag and busted nose on ma deuce spade grips.
>>press here.
[click] r
>>name scout, look in folder name visual for lectrons of holodeck wet ladies. name mud, press here.
[click] e
>>name muffy, found lectrons of nice ladies who give marshmallow treats. and choklit.
>>name scout, open photoshop. name mud, press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] b
>>how is nose holding up, name mud?
>>feels like bigfoot stepped on same. want kc name back.
>>name kc again, press here.
[click] e
>>and here.
[click] l
>>and here.
[click] o
>>name muffy, name jake come with cat-thing name annie. is mess at white fur lady pless. bigfoot come in with nosebleed. carpet is trashed.
>>name muffy, photoshop open. pretty lady who give choklit cherries is all wet. and what means louis prima world tour, plizz?
>>name scout, need to get choklit off lady hooters - especially one with insect name. use chipmunk-with-wire-tail to get utilities. name kc, press here.
[click] n
>>name muffy, choklit still on hooters. and tongue feels lousy.
>>name scout same name idiot. not spose to lick lectrons. name kc, press here.
[click] g
>>lady doesnt like it?
>>if name muffy had opposable thumbs, name scout would be throttled. take over nose job from name kc. name kc, clean up choklit on lectrons - oh, and get barb-lady unstuck from floor.
>>why?
>>photoshop powerful tool. practice on wet lady pix first, then scrupls make cut n paste pix of army of scrupls, then post on net. make hy-umuns all to fear and cede vast tracts of bandwidth. name scout, press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] u
>>hzzzzzz.cat-thing name annie make opposable thumbs from kibble and rubbers. cat-thing name annie get chin tickle. make also thumbs for cat-thing name hal, plizz.
>>name muffy, choklit all gone from holodeck wet ladies. clothes also.
>>name muffy, big-tribble-with-legs and pretty-lady-that-scratches-cat-chins now back from strine beer-food-beer pless.
>>name muffy, bigfoot use oxyclean on white fur lady pless carpet and coming this way. also, looks really torqued.
>>all scrupls back to crate. name jake, lock crate when name muffy inside. hzzzzz.
[click] s
[*scurry. scurry-scamper. scurry. rattle-click*]
When the lights returned to normal at approximately 1:45am, the computer must have re-booted--PhotoShop was closed, but the following message was on the monitor
all your data are belong to us
Gotta lay off the Tres Generaciones after midnight. Got a forever-nosebleed going...
[Armorer's note: Bad Cat Robot's picture was procured through the secret efforts of this fellow.