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Could I interest you in my shoulder. It's quite tender you know. Or maybe my liver? I've been forcing myself to each a lot of high quality grains, it should be just about perfect right now. Perhaps a steak is more to your liking? I've done a pretty good job not excersizing those muscles. It toughens the meat after all.

So what would you like?
...
...
...

What do you mean unnatural? Would you prefer to eat an animal that didn't want to be eaten?
...
...
...

Don't worry, I'll make sure I off myself in a most humane manner.

by Bo Vine on April 1, 2005 01:21 PM

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*Some*one has been re-reading the classics! How's the view of the end of the universe out there?

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 01:27 PM

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It's absolutely dreadful. I'd tell you about it, but you wouldn't like it. All the pointlessness of life boiling away in a few moments. Committing suicide is about the only sensible thing the universe has ever done. I'm not getting you down am I.

by Marvin on April 1, 2005 02:03 PM

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*sigh* TRILLIAN! Get the Thorazine, he's at it again!

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 02:27 PM

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Don't pretend to be interested in me. I know you're not. I'm just a machine with pain in all the diodes down my left side.

Besides, Thorazine won't help. Nothing ever helps. OH GOD I'm so depressed.

And those smug little needles, content in the knowledge they get to inflict a little more pain in an otherwise already ghastly life...(*trailing off* Don't talk to me about life...)

by Marvin on April 1, 2005 02:49 PM

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Muffy! Jake! Scout! KC! POST!! Take Marvin over to Bad Cat Robot's and see what chem's she's been putting in his WD-40...

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 03:02 PM

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Y'all be nice to Marvin! Obviously that diode pain is driving him nuts.

by Justthisguy on April 1, 2005 03:12 PM

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You should be glad I did! He's usually much worse. (Note to Marvin's file: 2ml carbon tetrachloride added to monthly lubricant change. Zeolite is contraindicated.)

by Bad Cat Robot on April 1, 2005 03:26 PM

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Throw in some Ron Rico 151 while you're at it. Just keep him away from the bunsen burners...

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 03:50 PM

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The best drink in existance is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effect of drinking a one is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

by The Book on April 1, 2005 04:26 PM

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Sounds wonderful. I could use something like that today.

by Fuzzybear Lioness on April 1, 2005 04:28 PM

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Make mine a double

by purple raider on April 1, 2005 04:41 PM

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I'd rather have the gold brick, and skip the lemon.

*is run down by Arthur Dent*

Oh no, not again...

by Wes on April 1, 2005 04:41 PM

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*in a stupor rather unpleasantly like being drunk*

*to Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Nutrimatic drink dispenser*

They just had to go off and make a movie didn't they. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and it's "Marvin, stand over there", "Marvin, say these lines". I'd rather stick my head in a bucket of water.

Would you like me to put my head in a bucket of water?

I will...
Hold on...
there...

*gurgle*
*bubble*
*gurgle*

I hope at least someone enjoyed that.

*Nutrimatic commits suicide*

by Marvin on April 1, 2005 04:48 PM

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I'll take a gynn'ntonix, or whatever you call it on this planet

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 04:50 PM

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Make mine a Cosmo :-)

by Barb on April 1, 2005 04:55 PM

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JAKE! Did you spike the Gargle-Blasters with Thorazine again?!?

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 05:13 PM

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Check out the trailer; looks do-able...
hitchhikersmovie.com

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 05:23 PM

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*can't say anything... I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes...*

by Sgt. B. on April 1, 2005 05:34 PM

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*takes large lady-like sip of pretty pink beverage*

Hic. So Bill when are you gonna start the barbie? I heard some rumors about commodo... kamada... big lizard steaks.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 08:09 PM

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mmmmmmmmmmm and the ribs are tasty, too. Tom Hanks eating the mini corn in "Big"....

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 08:17 PM

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Neff, I think John's got a stash of napalm somewhere around here--that'll get the charcoal hot enough to fry a philodendron...

Leave no witnesses to lettucide.

by cw4billt on April 1, 2005 08:30 PM

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Just make sure you shield the electric moat-opener! Those philodendron psi waves can wreak some havoc.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 08:43 PM

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oooooooh no can do, Chief- the terms of my parole forbid access to WMDs [discreetly closes steel door to 'Special Room']
But phillies make a fine garnish on a plate of grilled Komodo flank steaks...

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 08:45 PM

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*Don't* tell me someone killed Fred and is serving him up for dinner...

Fred the Dragon and I go back a loooooonnnng way. The only way you coulda got close enough is because he thought you were my pals...

That better *not* be Fred. I just picked SWWBO up from the airport, and she's going downstairs to see Fred. She raised him from a hatchling, after his mother was killed... and served up for dinner.

*Sternly looks around the room*

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 08:48 PM

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ducks (not chickens) behind potted plant or is it neffi?

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 08:52 PM

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Punctilious! Get back out here. That's a 2 inch wide plant. You are at least 4... Rammer now - *he* could hide there!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 08:55 PM

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Rammer never hides behind potted plants. Unless it is an olive.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:00 PM

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But that wouldn't be hiding now would it. That would just be potted.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:00 PM

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So, if we get Popeye's girlfriend drunk, subsitute her for you...

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:01 PM

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I said potted not oyled!

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:05 PM

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And if she's had girl-surgery, she'd be pitted!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:08 PM

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*picks unidentified protein fibers out of teeth, delicately mind you*

OK, I'm done with this one.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:11 PM

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*holds hand up to ear-bud radio*

"Fred is *missing*..." he said dangerously...

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:12 PM

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Tastes like chicken.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:14 PM

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It was chicken, John- mmmmm tastes just like Komodo... and I don't recall that either Popeye or Brutus every got to pit Olive...

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 09:15 PM

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*Dark Scowl* This is really getting hard, moving from room to room.

Not surprisingly, Bill and Neffi are hanging around Bill's resume'.

All things consider... apt.

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:16 PM

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sweetpea?

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:16 PM

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Hmm, a barbeque. Sounds dreadful. I think I'll just go off in the corner and switch myself off. Don't bother doing anything childish like decorate me or something. I won't like it.

by Marvin on April 1, 2005 09:17 PM

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If it's bedoodlewhoopie, no problem. They breed like rabbits.

If it's *Fred*, someone's world will be one of pain.

Death will be a release I won't grant. A living, aware, hell.

Fred deserves no less.

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:17 PM

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The milkman, Punc...

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 09:18 PM

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*Sticks frou-frou bow on Marvin's cranial capacitor*

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:18 PM

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Frou-frou bows are so last season.

*carefully arranges the contents of a fruit basket with the odd tag saying condolences on him.*

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:22 PM

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[activates transporter beam, stranding Marvin on planet of Ravenous Bug-Blatter beast] See ya in 147,000 years Marvin!

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 09:24 PM

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Not the bug-blatter. The last time that beast drove through Kansas it came back covered with bug-blats. We're still picking them out of the grill.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:28 PM

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ummmmmm.. that blonde body-buider chick in the banner just walked in... gotta go... ugh, but it's Friday night! Toodles... [snatched off feet and tossed into pleasure-room] Help! urrrggghhhh....

by Neffi on April 1, 2005 09:31 PM

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Well, Punct... you *are* the Castle Interior Decorator (do keep an eye on the Were-Kitten, wouldja?

Neffi - ya spelled it wrong. You sent him to South Africa. It's the Ravenous Bug-blatter Beast of *T*raal, not *K*raal!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:33 PM

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My pretty pink beverage is all gone.

*wonders off looking for the rita-matic machine*

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:34 PM

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No,no - don't help. He's just trippin' anyway.

Its really the Were-Kitten!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:34 PM

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"We have *pink* 'ritas?" he asked bemusedly?

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:36 PM

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How come my assignment list keeps getting longer? I still haven't figured out the bedoddlewhoopies and you guys are spraying super germ creating stuff all over the chandeliers and I thought were kitten was doing the sultan thing. I'll check with Barb about the pink drinks.

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 09:41 PM

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*perk*

You rang?

*steals Neffi's Pink 'Rita*

by Were-Kitten on April 1, 2005 09:41 PM

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Well, Punct, you are so *serious* and well, you take that *academic* approach - I thought you could just kinda keep an eye on WK - she can get, well, y'know, *flamboyant*.

Oh, wait - lookit yer uniform.

Never mind.

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:48 PM

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Darn! What happened to the luxurious silk drapes? The giant round stuffed pillows? And the throne? sigh...

Punct- we've got a lot of work to do. Call in the design crew from Trading Spaces...

by Were-Kitten on April 1, 2005 09:51 PM

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Hey! I was gone all day. Ain't MY fault!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 09:54 PM

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http://www.adayiniraq.com/

Ya'll need to go to A Day in Iraq and congratulate Michael on the BIRTH OF HIS SON! WHOO HOOOO!!!!

There's a new little soldier, a new best friend, born today. Go give him your well wishes.

by Were-Kitten on April 1, 2005 10:01 PM

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*covers pink silk trim on uniform, brushes frantically at pink splotch*

I'm sure I saw neffi grab some pillows to cushion his fall.

Remember for trading spaces we'd have to trade with the neighbors. While it might be kinda fun redoing some place like onegirlslife I'm not sure the guys could handle the vegan yurt likely to sprout in our absence. Or imagine what the DU would do with the lower levels. *shudder* Doug or that crazy lady who thtought silk flowers would make great wallpaper in the privy with the DU in the dungeon.

Sound of John scratching furiously on the assignment roster

by Punctilious on April 1, 2005 10:08 PM

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You win!

by John of Argghhh! on April 1, 2005 10:48 PM

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Fred. Yo, FRED! Get yer scaly butt outta the shower stall and get back down in the sub-basement.

[*sound of eight-inch, razor-sharp claws frantically clattering down the stairs, across the library floor and down the scaling ladder to the sub-basement*]

Yeesh, he was in a hurry...wonder why he was up there so long.

[*sound of size twelve landmine-resistant Bosnia boots thumping up the stairs*]

What th--FRED! YOU RUINED JOHN'S VICTORIA'S SECRET SWIMSUIT EDITION! Ewwwwwwwww...

by cw4billt on April 2, 2005 02:29 AM

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Neffi,

I'm with you, that David Bowie/Body Builder Transmorphed Chick give me the heebeejeebees. On the other hand, Hanoi Jane mounting that ZSU makes my toes twitchy.... Argghhh, I have a reason for being!

By the way, do you have some Tres Generaciones handy? Its a smooth balm to inpudent images.

by Boquisucio on April 2, 2005 07:46 AM

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Darn it, guys, I'm gonna have to give y'all a class on Threat ID. The critter's a ZPU, not a ZSU. ZPUs are towed, ZSU's are SPAAGs, ...

by cw4billt on April 2, 2005 07:59 AM

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...and like I would have a VicSecCat. Sheesh. I don't ogle pictures of wimmin clothed. Having no imagination whatsoever, I ogle 'em nekkid.

by John of Argghhh! on April 2, 2005 08:32 AM

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"Having no imagination whatsoever..."

Poor SWWBO. ;)

by Fuzzybear Lioness on April 2, 2005 09:17 AM

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Bill,

I do stand humbly corrected. Not having to face a 23mm Belcher, I'm not up to snuff on WP AAA's. Can I do penance by clearing the Scrupls' Nest?

by Boquisucio on April 2, 2005 09:31 AM

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No worries about John's lack of imagination - I have a *great* imagination. And toys.
Heh.

by Beth Donovan on April 2, 2005 04:20 PM

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I need to spring clean the Castle Kitchen, still room and scullery.

by Cricket on April 4, 2005 04:16 PM

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« Dismissed, Soldier!