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August 18, 2006

S.I.T.

As in, "I said, 'SIT!'--not 'Assume a good prone firing position...' "

Meet Scruple-In-Training Toby, who's technically not a scruple because he has a genuine owner.

Toby

However, said genuine owner claimed he was absolutely impossible to train, so KtLW volunteered the services of the local Dog Whisperer--me.

After a week of Basic, he heels like a champ, fetches, comes-sits-flops-stays on command and is totally housebroken (except for an early misunderstanding about the purpose of a throw-rug).

Welllll, he does it for *me*, anyway. She's still having problems with him 'cuz I haven't told her The Secret of Consistent Obedience--in other words, just *what* it is I whisper into the little tyke's ear...

"Hellooooo, puppy, puppy, puppy! Aren't you a little cutie! Guess what--we're gonna play a game: I'll tell you to do something and then you do it or I'll kill you."

Heh. Works every time...

by CW4BillT on Aug 18, 2006

March 24, 2006

Introducing *Canis Scrup'lis*

Heh. Punctilious is posolutely absitively sure that she's got the definitive representation of a scruple.

Punctilious' Scrup'l

Ummm--not quite.

Just in case anybody's operating under the misapprehension that I've got a pack of pink felines lording it over the demesne when they're not skittering through the blogwall to plot the annexation of the blogosphere, I figure it's past time to introduce the miscreants.

Loose Scrup'ls

The furry 55-gallon drum with legs in the foreground is Scout.

At left rear, Muffy the Merciless is sizing up the deer across the street.

Jake is center--he actually *does* have a right ear, but he's got this knack of pointing it straight back whenever he hears something interesting but can't be bothered to actually look.

KC is the ambulatory Brillo pad in search of the cookie she figures is somewhere behind Door Number One.

And this is as close to a formal portrait as it gets. I was lucky the squirrels were raiding the bird feeder at Ed the Neighbor's, otherwise this would just be a shot of gaussian blurs with teeth...

by CW4BillT on Mar 24, 2006

February 20, 2006

Argghhh! This is what happens when you have loose scrup'ls!

You leave early to take SWWBO to the airport. Someone leaves the kitchen door open... and the computer is always-on, what with broadband and all...

And on the internet, the pizza place doesn't know you're a scrup'l.

So, ya come home to find the scrupl's have ordered in a little pizza, killed the tequila and a bottle of wine, had some Texas Toast, a little Irish Creme for dessert...

Dang loose scrup'ls!

And look guilty as hell.

Of course, as you can see, the Interior Guard was quick to do what they do - point out the problem and go, "I watched 'em! I saw 'em do it! It was them! Those three! Those great hulking brutes!"

"Huh?"

"Why didn't I stop 'em?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question. You're coming in broken and stupid. They're HUGE!!! I wasn't getting in their way! I report, *you* decide. That's what Staff is for!"

by John on Feb 20, 2006

February 16, 2006

A little more explainin'

MaryAnn asked a question in the comments that many of you who are not long time readers may ask yourself. Since I used today as a day to put up the Disclaimers of Argghhh!, I might as well add an explanation of how comment moderation works at the Castle, and how we try to maintain a friendly Island in a Sea of Moonbats - and how we stay mostly invisible to Moonbats. Well, that and not saying anything that really attracts 'em anymore.

So, step behind the curtain in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry, and meet the PG-17C.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Feb 16, 2006

December 27, 2005

A note from the Exterior Guard.

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Who were a tad grumpy they stayed here while we went to visit the Center of the Familial Universe.

Top 10 [Heh, they can't count) Exterior Guard "pet" peeves about the Armorer.

1. Blaming your farts on us . . not funny . . . not funny at all! ! !

2. Yelling at us for barking. Do we yell at YOU for TALKING? We're FRIGGIN' DOGS, YOU IDIOT! It's what you hired us for (and about that pay thing...)

3. Taking us for a walk, then not letting us check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on our noses . . stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. That's why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Well, that and see the "pay thing" above.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. Butthead.

7. Taking us to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when we freak out every time we go back! Dogs don't get painkillers! Okay, okay, thetre *is* hat tasty chondroitin thingy, but you get the point...)

8. Getting upset when we sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ? ? ? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when we lick ourselves. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

11. Lay off on some of these things; we both know who's boss here (you don't see *us* picking up your poop do you ? ? ? ) Oh, speaking of poop - get rid of those automatic cat-litter boxes... those crunchy tootsie-rolls are a perk (see that "pay thing," above)!

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Heh. You can see how hard the job is...

H/t, Jim C.

Update: Don't you *dare* remove those automatic toilets, or we'll blarg on your pillows! They're kewl! Signed, The Interior Guard.
by John on Dec 27, 2005

March 17, 2005

Argghhh!!!

I think I'll go home and bury myself in a bottle of tequila... I will *be* the worm...

Dusty links to Lowry today in The Corner - where Lowry is posting the stuff I posted yesterday... but Dusty's post gets linked and mine goes unmentioned (note to self, *quality* apparently *does* matter)...

Bill thought I was mad at him this morning. Not enough emoticons, apparently...

Cassie is snarking me and I don't have time to properly enjoy it. And that's *really* aggravating... Lioness is making kissy-face with Cassie (well, I *do* like to watch) in the comments.

Sgt B is snarking me about my non-functional collection pieces... Dude - IT'S THE LAW "ROUND HERE! (snarl, spit, growl)

And SWWBO *still* ain't home and leaves again on Sunday...

*looks aroundly darkly with slitted eyes...*

Man! I'm gonna set the scruples loose on all y'all!

by John on Mar 17, 2005

March 13, 2005

This Post Rated--Waitaminnit

>>hzz. name muffy welcome hy-umuns and feline lady-typeses and hy-umun mans-what-be-gentle (heh) to morning edition castle msm. today visit mawk, were-kitty and afsister on prowling bout castle environs. not worry ladies--

>>hzzz. only be one lady with multiple-personality disorder.

--for castle msm purpose, is three. all part of subtleness of role-pleh by afsis.

>>hzzzzzz. afsis subtle. hzzzzzz. funny.

>>hzz. as name muffy say before such rudeness of interruption, ladies not worry. minicam over litterbox *not* work. hzzzzzzz.

>>hzz. minicam work. name jake and name kc test live feed and digital camcorder both.

>>hz. name dolt. is ruse de guerre. make holodeck wet ladies thinking okay. very subtle.

>>hz. name jake not see subtlety.

>>hzz. [for an audio transcript of the succeeding dialogue, click here]

>>hzz. where name scout? need get rolling here or lose audience. market share go into garderobe.

>>hzzzz. not see. not see bigfoot also. last time see by scrup’l crate with name scout. not see anybody cept name muffy and name kc since bad cat robot-lady doojigger get scrup'ls de-substantiated and reconstituted in last thread.

>>hzzz. see nobody? can only mean one thing…

>>hzzz. exactness. cookie jar unguarded.

>>hzzzzzz. par-tay!

[*scamper-scamper*]

[*pop*]

Ow. Head feel like Meteor Crater pless five nanosecond after impact. Name Scout hurt in places hitherto undreamed of. Whooo—chilly also. Waitaminnit. Where fur? Whuh—thumbses?

[*pop*]

>>hzzz. ow. ooooh, pain-pain-pain. must’ve taken a header off the ladder again--lucky this fur wrap cushioned the--fur? i got fur? and--ooof--how come i can’t stand alla way up? And where’d that old geek over there come from?

What name Scout be do over *there* when name Scout sit right over *here*? [*thought balloon: hmmmpf—not much padding, either.*]

>>hzz—i mean, hey! what’s up with the claws? and this—oh, geez. a tail. scout’s tail. %#@$! i’m gonna disassemble a certain evil feline mechanoid in about zero seconds--

Bigfoot? Talk like Bigfoot but name Scout only see name Scout.

>>hzz—daggitt! that desubstantiation thingumabob musta re-assembled us in each other’s bods!

Ooooh. Means only one thing. *Now tall enough reach cookie jar*!

[*running footsteps fading toward kitchen*]

>>hzz—i mean, gaaah! scout, get my butt back here right now! #@%&!--somebody tell me i didn’t just *say* that…

[*scamper receding towards kitchen*]

W-e-e-l-l-l-l, ladies an’ gents, ‘twould appear that the Simultaneous Holoscan Insertionfest at Sarge B.’s and Barb’s had wider ramifications than just blowing all their comments to smithereens! What will happen next? And when?

Oooooh—the possibilities…

Heh.

by name muffy on Mar 13, 2005
» Blog o'RAM links with: You Know You've Been Spending Too Much Time at the Castle When...

February 24, 2005

>>Hzzzzzzz.

>>alertness hy-umuns.

>>all your data are belong to us. also all your stats. name cthulhu booger, get scrup'l butt offa photoshop. scrup'ls have not tail like thing live in oubliette pless.

by name muffy on Feb 24, 2005

For Longtime Castle Denizens... analysis, please.

[Armorer's Note: Look who has set up an office at the Castle...! I *knew* I should have changed the da*n locks!]

I was preparing some links for this morning’s post and, at about 1:15am, there was an inexplicable power failure in the Armory. The emergency lighting also failed and the protective irises on the security cams closed, but the newly-installed digital audio system continued to function normally.
The following is a transcription of the odd activities which evidently occurred during the blackout:

[*rattle, rattle-click. scurry-scurry-scamper-scurry.*]

>>hzzz. bad cat robot lady gadget work. sweet.
>>name jake, look for big-tribble-with-legs.

[*scurry. thump. scurry.*]

>>not see, name muffy. prolly play with cat-thing name annie.
>>name scout, look for bigfoot.
>>who that?
>>gray fur on top of head look like squashed tribble. feet look like battleship row.
>>that rotorhead. prolly fixing heater in big water dish outside wall.
>>name scout same name dimbulb. rotorhead persona, only ‘lectrons. bigfoot real. same thing john of ack ‘lectron persona, big-tribble-with-legs real.
>>name muffy, find cat-thing name hal. name hal say bigfoot not here.
>>hzzzz. maybe at white fur lady pless apologizing for scrup’l mess again. name kc, fetch scrup’l butt over here and also bring scrup’l nose.
>>who die, make name muffy king crap?
>>name kc be name mud if not get scrup’l buns over now. name muffy think great idea. scrup’l crate not big enough confine great thought. f-r-e-e-e-e-d-o-o-o-m-m.
>>express of surprise. also of disbelief that head of name muffy could contain thought of any size.
>>name now mud. put nose to many-small-blocks-cage and press this.
[click] a
..hzzz. name jake, go donjon pless, watch. if see big-tribble-with-legs, come back.
>>name jake gets cookie if does this?
>>cookie at white fur lady pless. name mud, press this.
[click] l
>>again.
[click] l
>>hzzzzz. need nano e.m.p. subcortex interface for ‘puter. this slow like church on new year’s eve.
>>name muffy, find cat-thing name annie. name annie say big-tribble-with-legs and pretty-lady-who-scratches-cat-chin go visit strine beer-food-beer pless.
>>hzzzz. name mud, press here.
[click]
>>now here.
[click] y
>>name scout, look through hole in wall of white fur lady pless, watch for bigfoot. hzzzzz. scrup’ls make mess size of cthulhu’s butt there last night, bigfoot be there for cleanup. ears prolly still ache from las’ time white fur lady throw crying jag over trivet. name mud, press here.
[click] o
>>hzzzz. this take all millennium this rate.
>>name muffy. bigfoot see name scout at white fur lady pless and freak. chase name scout over to barb lady pless.
>>hzzz. big pless, lossa small hidey-rooms. be there all night try catch name scout. name mud, press here.
[click] u
>>and here.
[click] r
>>name muffy, donjon pless locked. bigfoot take bad cat robot lady toolkit. cookie, plizz.
>>name jake go white fur lady pless and do roll-over-play-possum. white fur lady sucker for cute scrup’l tricks. then name jake make crumbs for keep bigfoot occupied. name mud, here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] d
>>name muffy, what is great idea name muffy have?
>>this place nexus. scrup’l take over here, then next blog. then next blog. create empire in blogosphere.
>>name mud think that name muffy delusional.
>>press here, name mud. name be cthulhu-booger soon.
[click] a
>>name muffy be too flippant ‘bout cthulhu. elder gods tough cookies.
>>what happen when nyarlathotep fall through hole in fabric of space-time continuum last week and demand bren and czech sks as tribute?
>>big-tribble-with-legs tell nyarlathotep to go pound sand for not knowing czechs never make sks.
>>and?
>>riverbank now much smaller.
>>press here.
[click] t
>>and here.
[click] a
>>name muffy, hear name scout scurry back.
>>press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] a

[*scurry-clatter*]

>>name muffy, bigfoot chase. ditched at jarhead pless when tripped over sandbag and busted nose on ma deuce spade grips.
>>press here.
[click] r
>>name scout, look in folder name visual for ‘lectrons of holodeck wet ladies. name mud, press here.
[click] e
>>name muffy, found ‘lectrons of nice ladies who give marshmallow treats. and chok’lit.
>>name scout, open photoshop. name mud, press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] b
>>how is nose holding up, name mud?
>>feels like bigfoot stepped on same. want kc name back.
>>name kc again, press here.
[click] e
>>and here.
[click] l
>>and here.
[click] o
>>name muffy, name jake come with cat-thing name annie. is mess at white fur lady pless. bigfoot come in with nosebleed. carpet is trashed.
>>name muffy, photoshop open. pretty lady who give chok’lit cherries is all wet. and what means louis prima world tour, plizz?
>>name scout, need to get chok’lit off lady hooters - especially one with insect name. use chipmunk-with-wire-tail to get utilities. name kc, press here.
[click] n
>>name muffy, chok’lit still on hooters. and tongue feels lousy.
>>name scout same name idiot. not s’pose to lick ‘lectrons. name kc, press here.
[click] g
>>lady doesn’t like it?
>>if name muffy had opposable thumbs, name scout would be throttled. take over nose job from name kc. name kc, clean up chok’lit on ‘lectrons - oh, and get barb-lady unstuck from floor.
>>why?
>>photoshop powerful tool. practice on wet lady pix first, then scrup’ls make cut ‘n’ paste pix of army of scrup’ls, then post on net. make hy-umuns all to fear and cede vast tracts of bandwidth. name scout, press here.
[click]
>>and here.
[click] u
>>hzzzzzz.cat-thing name annie make opposable thumbs from kibble and rubbers. cat-thing name annie get chin tickle. make also thumbs for cat-thing name hal, plizz.
>>name muffy, chok’lit all gone from holodeck wet ladies. clothes also.
>>name muffy, big-tribble-with-legs and pretty-lady-that-scratches-cat-chins now back from strine beer-food-beer pless.
>>name muffy, bigfoot use oxyclean on white fur lady pless carpet and coming this way. also, looks really torqued.
>>all scrup’ls back to crate. name jake, lock crate when name muffy inside. hzzzzz.
[click] s

[*scurry. scurry-scamper. scurry. rattle-click*]

When the lights returned to normal at approximately 1:45am, the computer must have re-booted--PhotoShop was closed, but the following message was on the monitor…

all your data are belong to us

Gotta lay off the Tres Generaciones after midnight. Got a forever-nosebleed going...


[Armorer's note: Bad Cat Robot's picture was procured through the secret efforts of this fellow.

by CW4BillT on Feb 24, 2005