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January 14, 2007

Ya gotta love the Irish.

What other folk takes their stereotypes, flips them slightly askew and then shakes them out for all the world to laugh at?

Would *you* try to fill the dead air between your karaoke sets with:

"Two Norwegians are sitting on a bench in Oslo and one says to the other, 'Har du hørt om den nye svenske musefellen?' "

Or --

"A Luxembourger, a Fleming and an Andorran are strolling in Monte Carlo..."


Now try--

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor an' me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little runt, O'Connor?" says Sean. "He couldn't do all that to you, man, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well, now," says Sean. "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in *your* hand?"

"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Heh. An' a tip o' the tam to V29.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by CW4BillT on Jan 14, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

January 13, 2007


Anybody seen Neffi or Bill lately?

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Photo taken at Meadowlake Airport , Falcon, Colorado (suburb of COS ). Reportedly the pilot walked away after climbing down a tree.

H/t, Dick T.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Jan 13, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

January 11, 2007

Too much serious stuff.

Let's take a break.

Caption this:

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I'll get you started.

Little known fact about Chef Emeril Lagasse... where "BAM BAM BAM!" came from. Sergeant Emeril kicks it up a notch!

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Jan 11, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

January 05, 2007

What a difference...

...63 years makes in how a headline reads.

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And, if General Shalikashvili, my first DIVARTY commander and the originator of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has his way..., that headline may read differently *again* in a few years, making Uncle Jimbo and Gay Patriot happy (and *not* making me unhappy, btw).

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Jan 05, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

January 04, 2007

Buddies, source, differences by.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we screwed up...but man that was fun!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you behind.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no Civilian could ever dream of...

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste...that's alcohol abuse!!" Then carry you home safely and put you to bed...

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the hell out for using your name in vain.

H/t, Dom J.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Jan 04, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

January 03, 2007

Every Once In A While...

...I stumble across this old chestnut.

Suitably updated, naturally, from Being All that It Could Be in the Army of One to being Army Strong.

"Sir! Why, Sir, did the chicken cross the road, Sir?!?"

USAAVNC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with the tasks, conditions and standards inherent in road-crossing. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunrise and sunset. Solo chickens must have at least three miles visibility and a safety observer. Special considerations: MOPP Level IV Not Authorized.

HQ, DA: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 1-year unaccompanied tour and the chicken will have a stabilized 3-year tour upon its return. The chicken will not be eligible for re-deployment until at least three months after its return. Every chicken will be required to accomplish one road-crossing during its career, which will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

TRADOC: This event will need confirmation by repeated iterations of road-crossing using various chicken breeds, road types and weather conditions in order to confirm whether it will consistently occur within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might be tasked with crossing Thruways/Interstate Highways. Commanders will insure that a Risk Assessment Worksheet is completed for each set of specified conditions.

USAREUR: The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained OPCON to SFOR and was not sliced to KFOR on the other side of the road. Without slicing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near-perfect, real-time, in-transit visibility.

USASC: The chicken was instructed to "Hold Short" of the road. This Road Incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Commanders will re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all Hold Short instructions.

CECOM: The legacy "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with multi-functional, supportable, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class Warrior and Supporting-Element Chickens (WSEC), enabling them to dominate the digital roads of today and tomorrow. However, previously-committed funding for legacy Comanche software development will require the Service to further slip initial fielding of the WSEC to the right by two-to-four years unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.

CENTCOM J-6 Chicken Systems Program Office (C2J6-CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, CSPO assisted the chicken in rethinking its physical distribution strategy and core-paradigm processes, thereby enabling the chicken to implement change in order to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not yet occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

SOCOM: Chicken? What chicken? You did *not* see a chicken, understand?

Acronymed out? See Flash Traffic...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by CW4BillT on Jan 03, 2007 | TrackBack (0)

December 28, 2006


Joe is back. With more.

Screw Fairness

I think the thing I like the most about this picture is... the cooler. And what it represents about US soldiery.

The thing that has kept enemies for over a century thinking we're weak and unable to fight.

We like our comforts. And we'll still rip your guts out, ascetic-boy.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 28, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 26, 2006


...continuing from Sanger's trove...

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This could be a Denizen Panty Raid.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 26, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 25, 2006


Sanger found some more...

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Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 25, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 22, 2006


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Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 22, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 21, 2006


This one seems apt for today - given Bill's story of being mortared, failure to honor a truce, and Oldloadrs observation yesterday about M113s wearing fencing.

Fire Support

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 21, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 20, 2006


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Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 20, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 19, 2006


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*Typo fixed

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 19, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

A joke!

We need a joke. Well, it's a joke if you like Gutfield. If you're like the HuffPo Denizens who *don't* like Gutfield... well, let's face it, you aren't reading this stuff anyway, so what's it matter?

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please?" Again it was superb . The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50"..??

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

H/t Cotillionites SWWBO (who got it from) CalTechGirl.

Speaking of Cotillionites - I just realized we were a Cotillion Sandwich in our category of the Weblog Awards.... I'd link, except their linkage stuff isn't working either... it's a disease, I tell ya.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 19, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

Maggie, maggie....


You can dress the gurl up, but take her out at your own risk!

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 19, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 18, 2006


Fun, but dang the cost of feeding this sucker!

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 18, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 16, 2006

Hey! Whattaya want for Christmas?

Getting them indoctrinated early!

This is a Denizen Post, so Denizens can put their answers in here, not just the comments. I think I'm going to leave it up top for a few days. Maybe even *through* to Christmas, just to give people who only check in once a week or so a chance.

Boquisucio sent this email to plant the seed:

Hello Boss,

With 12 days 'til X-Mass, I wonder what the denizens out there would like for Christmas.

I for one would say: Oh Santa - for Christmas, I wanna' Sig Sauer .40 S&W
Two-Tone SP-2022 with SIGLITE® Night Sights, please-please-pleeeease!


This seems like an *excellent* idea! Come one, come all, and play! Readers and lurkers are encouraged to submit *their* wishes in the comments. You can be funny, you can serious. Just be nice. Naughty is okay, just be nice. If all ya got is Grinchy Scrooginess in you this holiday season, go take it out on someone else! To avoid the thing degenerating into argument - leave the politics at the door.

Okay. Me? I want one of these! A Vickers belt-filling machine. That would about complete the Vickers collection (not to mention just about double it's value...) Hey - I'll be happy to pay shipping!

If that's too pricey for you, this would be kewl, too.

What's on *your* list?
What does gollum want for Xmas? He wants a lot.

10) A library of either the hard copy or saved to cd books necessary to make THE career change---you know, you have to cite stuff and can't just make chit up on a whim like Paul Krugman and the AP photo service.
9) The nice piece of sheepskin that would make people believe I know what I'm doing in new discipline (or the money to pursue it).
8) My Internet BB to spend 99% of the coming year happier and less grumpy than the last, 'ya grump.
7) Bill and Sanger to write more often. We miss you chuckleheads, and the wisdom you impart on us younglings that you don't even realize you are bestowing.
6) My committee to make up its mind whether to toss me or approve me so I can get on with my life---you heartless, soul-less wanks----or a lifetime supply of Coke so I can bash my head against a wall in perpetuity to make them happy.
5) The Wife to get passed her experimental road blocks so she can get finished on her PhD.
4) Un-insane in-laws. Not just the parents of The Wife, but the whole lot of them. They're almost all crazy.(You down with me on this one AFSis?)
3) A puppy. Happiness is a warm puppy. Schultz said so.
2) All the Boys and Girls wearing The Colors to come home in one piece, and of sound mind and spirit.
1) My buddy James to get home from Iraq in time for his daughter's second Christmas since he missed her first one. It'll take an act of Congress or someone in the Corps looking the other way for that to happen. But I'm still hoping.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by Denizens on Dec 16, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 14, 2006

Motivators - Attitude!

A positive outlook is important.

Motivators - Attitude!

Suitable for framing, here.

So, a little attitude! Go Vote!. The lefties are winning this category in a walk... though MVRWC and Stop the ACLU are giving 'em a run for the money. The Castle isn't going to catch anyone. So, go vote for Stop the ACLU, and maybe the Right can score second place... I'm throwing my votes to Lex for Best Military Blog - if only to keep Matt's head under control.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 14, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 12, 2006

There is always a penalty...

...exacted for maintaining contact with kinfolk on the other side of Hadrian's Wall.

The penalty is -- British humo(u)r...

Far away, in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the warm, azure sea. One was named Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the numerous sharks that patrolled the area.

One day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

As soon as Justin had fixated on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" – and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realized that his new, menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck. Justin figured that if the fish could change him from a prawn to a shark, he could just as readily change him back into a prawn. He begged the cod to return him to his original form and, lo and behold (again), he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

[note: the punch line does *not* involve a prawn cocktail -- that would be trite]

Looking around the boisterous gathering at the reef, Justin searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend went over to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!"

Christian replied, "No way, man, you'll eat me! You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked!"

Justin cried back, "No, no, I'm not! That was the old me -- I've changed..."

[punchline stashed in Flash Traffic to spare the excessively sensitive viewers -- both of them]

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by CW4BillT on Dec 12, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

December 08, 2006

More secrets released by the NYT...

...a Top Sekrit photo representative of the extensive testing the Army Combat Uniform went through has been released by the New York Times.

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Hey - one thing's for sure... the ACU works in an urban environment!

H/t, Mike L.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Dec 08, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

November 28, 2006

I'm not fit to be in the Israeli Army!

Good thing I didn't join it, then.

From an email:

Oh puhleeze! And I thought most of this lunacy was confined to our own Perfumed Princes...

Good thing they never knew about you and your murderous ways of nuking otherwise innocent Assassins in the middle of an arena. So much for your security clearance...

The article opens thusly:

Army frowns on Dungeons and Dragons

IDF says players are detached from reality and automatically given a low security clearance

By Hanan Greenberg Published: 02.28.05, 14:17

Does the Israel Defense Forces believe incoming recruits and soldiers who play Dungeons and Dragons are unfit for elite units? Ynet has learned that 18-year-olds who tell recruiters they play the popular fantasy game are automatically given low security clearance.

“They're detached from reality and suscepitble to influence,” the army says.

Fans of the popular roleplaying game had spoken of rumors of this strange policy by the IDF, but now the army has confirmed that it has a negative image of teens who play the game and labels them as problematic in regard to their draft status.

You can read the whole thing here.

I was a powerful fighter back in my D&D days... and my Dungeon Mastering experience stood me in good stead when writing doctrine and designing sims. It's all fantasy anyway, right?

And *I* didn't nuke the Assassin - that happened when Bruce the Enchanter, with his farking Golf-Bag of Holding chock-full of rods, staves, wands and who-knows-what-else, teleported into the solid rock column of the cavern behind the gate of the castle of the frost giant Jarl... well, let's just say that it takes a *lot* of hit dice to account for the energies released. Not to mention the party survivors had to find another way in.

And puh-leeze, Kevin - you made your saving throw and got your diety deity [grumble] to resurrect you. Sheesh. Be glad he didn't resurrect you as a ferret! Yeah, naked and weaponless in arctic climes was a little rude, but hey, you sweet-talked everybody into giving you stuff. Of course, for a price. Which, as I recall, was a debt you welched on anyway...

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Nov 28, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

November 26, 2006

The Garden Shed of Argghhh!!!

The bits and pieces of the Shed of Argghhh!!!

Raised, finally. I tell ya, sometimes, when I see that deposit from the VA hit the bank I feel a little guilty about the size of it.

Then, I try to build a shed. I'm underpaid. It took us a month of weekends to do what probably should have been a weekend job.

Okay, some of that was inefficient materials handling, I admit it. Moving stuff more times than it needed to be be moved. But some of it you just can't avoid. Picking up the 1.5 tons of gravel and 1.5 tons of topsoil at the store and loading it onto the big cart. Then loading it into the car. Then off-loading it into the garden tractor's trailer. Drive. Off load at work site. Then, one more time, spreading the stuff around when you needed it. Turns out fatboy was lifting a lot more than 1.5 tons, even if it was 50 lbs at a time.

Then you have to dig the hole, to get things roughly level. SWWBO did that. She's good at digging. I watched from the ramparts with a 'Rita.

Then some screwing needed doing, so I went down to the work-site and screwed away. Oh, puh-leeze. Get yer mind outta the gutter. Assembling the frame for the gravel pit foundation.

Then, load in the topsoil and gravel, and get that sucker level. Pound in some rebar through holes in the frames so the thing won't migrate.

That's three weekends worth of work for slugs like us. And that's work to exhaustion.

Comes the Big Weekend. We really can't risk the weather too much more.

There's the shed. It's in boxes too big and heavy to move, so we leave it on the driveway, at the mercy of the elements. Finally, Prodigal Son and His Sweetums arrives, and he and she and SWWBO get pressed into service schlepping the pieces back to the work-site.

All right! Ready to go! The instructions being in the box buried under the others, I sit down to go through the assembly process. This things a snap-together plastic job, shouldn't be too much of a problem, right?

Heh. Farking thing needs to be on either a concrete slab (preferred, but ain't happening) or a 2"x6" framed wood foundation with 3/4" plywood floor. Treated, natch. Sigh.

Off to the Big Orange Boxy Store. Get the lumber, take it to get cut, rent their truck, load their truck, schlep it to the house, unload the truck, return their truck. Then everyone gets pressed into service to schlep the lumber back to the work site. Thus endeth Wednesday. Thursday is Thanksgiving, off to visit family! Come back Friday, too late to get anything done.

Saturday. Lay down the cement tiles to support the frame, get 'em mostly level. Lay out the frame. Start nailing. Get the sides done, start first stringer. Discover that lumber is cut to "rough dimensions," meaning it's going to be roughly 2"x6"x10'. They're pretty good about the 2"x6" part. It's the 10' they're a little sloppy with. Knock apart the frame. Get sawhorses. Get circular saw. Get tape measure. Schlep the damn wood up to where I've got a safe place to put the sawhorses. Measure. Measure again. Cut. Schlep the farking wood back down the yard to the work-site.

Put together the frame. 72 nails later, the Armorer is in agony. But the frame is built and anchored.

The Frame.

SWWBO renews her offer to buy a gun for the Arsenal. Woot! A gun!

Off to the Big Orange Boxy Store to buy a framing nail gun. The Armory now has Airsoft! Hey - it worked that way in Lethal Weapon II, right?

Bangity-bangity-bangity-bang-bang! SWWBO likes the new gun, too.

100 or so nails later, the frame and floor are done. The Arthritis of Argghhh!!! manifests itself in a manner not to be ignored this day. Undaunted, I determine that at least the finagle-danged floor of the shed will get finished on this day. 48 pan-head screws and 8 lag screws later, the floor of the Shed of Argghhh! is complete, and anchored to the frame.

I ponder my next move.

Whatever it is, it's gonna be tomorrow.

Morning dawns. To helk with blogging. I read email, make sure no one is being too naughty in the comments, slug down some coffee, and head for the work-site.

So, of course, it's gusty. And me trying to assemble light plastic panels seemingly suitable for wind-surfing.

I was supervised.

Undaunted, the walls go up. Then, the roof. There's some challenges there. Assembling the roof required the Presence of SWWBO.

SWWBO supervising roof assembly.

But she brought lunch, which was cool. There was some frolic (or disagreement) over who has successfully hunted the Wily French Fry of Argghhh! which made an appearance during lunch.

Finally, the roof of the Shed of Argghhh! is raised! Huzzah!

There were some last minute things that need attending to - like the door handles, shutters and window boxes. An itinerant furry blob was hired for that work.

Then comes the Loading of the Shed.

And finally, the doors close, and the Garden Tractor of Argghhh! sleeps under true cover (vice the deck) for the first time since it joined the motor fleet. The tractor and a buncha other stuff. Hey, that's what goes in sheds, right? Stuff?

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It didn't take long - but the Woodland Gnomes of Argghhh! made themselves at home, too. Loo and all.

Woodland Gnomes of Argghhh!!!

Do your Gnomes need homes? Get 'em right here, from Murray, Castle Worker-in-Metal. This particular home was one that went un-bid upon in the last Project Valour-IT fundraiser, so I ponied up the bucks for the donation and left it where the Gnomes would find it.

No Armorers were pierced or mashed in the making of this post.


Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Nov 26, 2006

November 23, 2006

Yes, things are still hosed.

The person who hired the person to do the update has been sacked. The person hired to replace the person hired to do the update has also been sacked. The person who sacked the person who hired the original person to do the update has also been sacked.

A wholly new person has been hired to do the update.

The creator of this post wishes you to know that he, too, has been sacked.

And the comments still don't work.

Except that they do, for some people.

Which is really very odd.

Those of you for whom the comments work - you're sacked.

That is all. Do have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Nov 23, 2006

November 18, 2006

The whatzis, revealed.

Couldn't fool you guys, nope. Not that I really expected to, frankly. I didn't want to spend the time airbrushing out the antennae and other obvious clues, just to have you whine about my chicanery.

It's a trike. An entrant in the Leavenworth Veteran's Day Parade.

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Another view here.

*I* think it's pretty kewl!

Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Nov 18, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

November 17, 2006

Time for a change-of-pace Whatzis.

You airplane geeks will get this one quick, I'm sure.

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Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »

by John on Nov 17, 2006 | TrackBack (0)

November 01, 2006

Air Force Gun Pr0n

I've waited a long time to find something that aviators can relate to on what is, you have to admit, a pretty "green" web site. Of course, I don't want to take anything away from John's superb conceptualization, creation, management and continued improvement of what is a perennial favorite in the annual milblog competition. Far be it from me to complain. And yet...

Some of the trivia stuff, complete with pictures...well, I suppose I should appreciate it more. The "guess-what-THIS-is" trivia games like the close up photo of a thingie that turns out to be the Japanese variation of the fuse/arming mechanism of a 1917 Tarkington-Crapspray Experimental Foot Grenade (or whatever...most guess wrong anyway) sort of goes over my head, er, cranium.


Something caught my eye on YouTube that aviators can relate to. I'm sure BillT and Lex will bear me out. Especially Lex. I think Bill's air-to-air gunnery was usually the .45-rounds-out-the-right-door-window variety...which is perfectly OK since we did it too from O-1s and O-2s in the 'Nam (you know, where John Kerry served, remember?). But Lex and I both have learned that shooting an object that's moving in three dimensions from a platform that's also moving in three dimensions takes some getting used to.

Back in the Old Days, before radars and computers and HUDs, the best air-to-air guys had at least two advantages--good eyes and an unusual ability in what was called, at that time, "deflection shooting." In short, their brains could figure out where the enemy was going to be at bullet flyout and put the bullets there while the bad guy, for lack of a better description, "ran into" the rounds.

So how did they practice this skill without burning precious avgas and putting unnecessary hours on the limited airframes? Trap and skeet. Many Ready Rooms/alert shacks had a makeshift range behind them and guys would go out and practice putting the shot where the clay pigeon was going to be. Hint: Don't shoot AT the target, shot in front of it. While we don't have skeet ranges behind squadron buildings anymore, we do have gun clubs, simulators...and the occasional dart shoot in a real airplane.

You want gun pr0n? Here's some that warms the heart of fighter jocks everywhere. Yes, it may have been done on the ground, but it is the essence of air-to-air gunnery, believe it or not. Enjoy. -Instapilot

Update. [Snerk - Dusty, um, does *this* look familiar? Geez, thinks he can snark me *that* easily... Dusty gives you videos... I give you... artifacts.]

by Denizens on Nov 01, 2006

October 28, 2006

Ry set me up. He couldn't help it. It's in his nature.

Go read his post below this one, if you haven't already. Then come back here.

Back? Kewl. Okay... sometimes I wonder if Ry is self-aware... lookit what he gave us to work with:

I’m a pariah in academe because...

*gnaws on knuckle*

Okay Denizens! How about a "Finish that sentence" comment party?

by John on Oct 28, 2006

October 26, 2006

Ladies in Leather

Heh. Now watch Sitemeter start spinning like the Hobbes meter on Herbie Wells' Time Machine.

But I digress.

Heh. A tip of the cammie-covered steel pot to the Aging Aviators' Association for reminding me that I have biker buds (and have slightly less time on a Harley than I do in the Blue Canoe) and I've noticed something interesting about their Back Seaters -- when a woman wears leather clothing, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.

And I know what triggers those reactions...

(The answer's in Flash Traffic so ry won't throw Mizz Thang into cardiac arrest.)

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Oct 26, 2006

Mebbe this can be my retirement job...

They're used to war around here. In 1485, Henry VII snatched the Crown just 20 miles away at the Battle of Bosworth. A century and a half later, Oliver Cromwell's troops destroyed the royalists four miles from here at Naseby. During World War II, this very field was an RAF bombing range.

But even the hedgerows and all-seeing steeples of this ancient Northamptonshire hunting country cannot have witnessed anything quite as bizarre as this.

Two tanks are charging through thick mud, blasting away at each other. There is blood everywhere and I'm in the thick of it.

Wobbling around in the gunner's seat of my tank, I have my eyes glued to the periscope and I can see that the enemy is swivelling round to take a shot at me. I am determined to zero in on him first while I have a clear line of vision.

I'll hire on Bill to manage the Attack Helicopainters, and Dusty can manage the Painterbomber fleet... Monteith, CAPT H, and Maj Mike can handle the motor pool and training. Heartless Lib and Sergeant B can handle the infantry. Jim B and Frank can handle arty and mortars. Barb handles the money. BCR instruments the range and makes scary things. Maggie and Werekitten have the bar. Fuzzy runs the first aid station. JTG wanders around playing shell-shocked non-combatant... who will shoot you in the back. Might as well replicate the COE...

Read the rest here. H/t, Mike D.

I'll take suggestions on other duty laydowns, I'm just swagging this one quickly.

by John on Oct 26, 2006

October 25, 2006

Aviators are rats...

...hmmm, confirming suspicions most of us who live *under* aviators, Monteith sends us this link, which he intro'd thusly:

Look out Dusty, yer gonna get replaced by the ooze scooped out of the head of a rat....

Read the story here.

by John on Oct 25, 2006
» MilBlogs links with: Some humor.

Break for a Joke

The following is shamelessly stolen from comments over at Lex's.

We’re Off to See the Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado…and off they whirl to the Land of Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and find the Great Wizard. “What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says, “I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who’s next?”

Richard Nixon steps forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

“Done!” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush and says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

“No problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around. But he doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

Bill replies, “Is Dorothy here?”

by Denizens on Oct 25, 2006

October 16, 2006


AFJ is, of course, the Armed Forces Journal, which has been transforming / morphing / re-inventing itself as a bridge between the dead tree media and the recycled 'lectron ones.

PJM is, aside from a type of mini rhododendron, the PeeJay Media, the modest alternative to Those Who Blog Nekkid.

AFJ's newest feature is "The Blogs of War," which allows Contributing Editor Chris Griffin to collect a modest financial remuneration for doing what the rest of us do for free.


Nice work, if you can get it. Such milblog luminaries as Blackfive, Greyhawk, the Bubbleheads, Armorgeddon and Cliopatra have suddenly become familiar to readers who don't normally do their surfing in such gritty neighborhoods.

Guess what? We made this month's cut...

Excerpted from "Revenge of the Staff Weenie":

One of the most widely read pieces of Iraq war humor so far is the "OIF Alphabet," a 26-slide PowerPoint file. The original was followed by "OIF Alphabet Part 2." Both can be downloaded from many milblogs. The original, for example, can be found at the Mudville Gazette's milblog archives [my note: yeah, the article spells out the url, but so far, spammers haven't figured a way to download from wood pulp] and Part 2 is available at Castle Argghh!
--Armed Forces Journal, October 2006, p. 64

Okay, so he left off an aitch. Considering that some of the Usual Suspects aren't all that consistent (and on a regular basis, too -- tsk!), I vote we let him slide on this one. Those of you with paper copies, hang on to 'em -- John will be doing autographs at the next MilBlogCon. Those of you hopelessly online will have to wait a few weeks -- AFJ's current 'lectronic offering is always the previous month's paper one (gotta bring in the money to pay the utilities, right?)...

by CW4BillT on Oct 16, 2006

October 14, 2006

Caption Contest...

...okay, not really a contest, just havin' some fun on a Saturday, since it's the lowest traffic day of the week.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

If this pic doesn't inspire you, try this one over at The Right Place.

by John on Oct 14, 2006

October 07, 2006

Let us have a Caption Contest!

Courtesy of Boquisucio...

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Have at it!

by John on Oct 07, 2006

September 30, 2006

Saturday's Sundries

One of the nice breaks from all the auto-replies (okay -- make that the *only* nice thing) I get in my resume-spamming onslaught is the rare response from a live human.

Usually, it's because he or she is either bored to tears or curious as all get-out:

"Geez, I've *never* seen anybody as over-qualified as you; can I have your autograph?"

"Actually, we're looking for somebody who'll boost our bowling league's average..."

"I don't think you'll fit our corporate image. I keep visualizing you in combat boots and a flak vest."

However, on rare occasions, I get tips on upcoming jobs and, on even rarer occasions, I get stuff like this...

I hope these give you a laugh -- some quotes taken from real resumes & cover letters; printed in the 07/21/97 issue of Fortune Magazine...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employer that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"Personal interest: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Heh. Maybe if I take up bowling...

A tip of the ol' dented SPH-4 to Dawn B.

by CW4BillT on Sep 30, 2006

September 29, 2006

All around the mulberry bush...

Scene: the back yard / garden / jungle of stately Tuttle Manor, post-thunderstorm. Yours Truly is sierra-sawing a 20-foot hemlock limb into kindling.

Enter KtLW.

KtLW: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Turning the branches the storm knocked down into firewood."

KtLW: "That's not important. Do something useful, like rolling up this hose and putting it away."

Me: "Can't. I'll need it when I scrub the mud off the patio."

KtLW: "Well, then, get to work scrubbing the patio!"

Me: "Can't. First I have to use the blower to get all the leaves and stuff off the patio."

KtLW: "Well, then, get to work with the leafblower!"

Me: "Can't. If I blow the leaves off, the patio will still be covered with grass clippings when I mow the lawn."

KtLW: "Well, get to work mowing the lawn!"

Me: "Can't. The grass is still sopping wet from the rain -- it'll take a couple of hours to dry."

KtLW: "Well, then, do something *simple* -- like rolling up this hose and putting it away."


*grin -- takes the first step around the mulberry bush*

Me: "Can't. I'll need it when I scrub the mud off the patio."

KtLW: "Well, then, get to work scrubbing the patio!"

Me: "Can't. First I have to use the blower to get all the leaves and stuff off the patio."

KtLW: "Well, then, get to work with the leafblower!"

Me: "Can't. If I blow the leaves off..."

Heh. Halfway through the third trip up and down the City Road, she gave up.

KtLW: "Hmmmmmpf! I'll never understand how somebody who's supposedly so smart can be so stupid!"

Me: "Gee, my thoughts, exactly..."

KtLW: "Good! It's *about time* you took ownership of the dumb things you do!"


*pop!* goes the weasel...

by CW4BillT on Sep 29, 2006

September 28, 2006

Oh what the heck, let's lighten things up a bit.

What My Mother Taught Me:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't exaggerate!!!"

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

by John on Sep 28, 2006

September 26, 2006

Slaying memes, with malice.

So, I find this in my inbox...

Thank you ry :)

I will have to look those up. The Armorer IS a worthless putz, is he not???

From this comment thread.

Ah, the luvverly Cassandra.

Which generated this response, from He Who Should Know Better:

Not so sure about the worthless part, but I'm leaning toward agreement on the putz part. Split the difference? Putz of some worth?;)(flees in terror)

Which generated a response of my own, but that's not important right now.

So. Ya really wanna know what's in the "frequently played" list in the Armorer's Windows Media Player (at work, when trying to not be interrupted, is when I do most of my listening to music)?


Johnny Cash's cover of Nine-Inch-Nail's "Hurt".

And this:

1. The Irish Volunteer
2. Boys That Wore Green
3. Opinions Of Paddy Magee
4. The Boys Of The Irish Brigade
5. Paddy's Lament
6. The Irish Volunteer (Nr. 2)
7. My Fathers Gun
8. Meagher Is Leading The Irish Brigade
9. Free And Green
10. The Harp Of Old Erin & Banner Of Star
11. The List Of Generals
12. Pat Murphy Of Meaghers's Brigade

From this CD.

My favorites are, in no particular order, 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 9. Okay, there *is* an order, but only of convenience, not preference.

If you'd like to see the lyrics, click here.

I'm not that much into music designed for dancing, or, more accurately, spastic gyration. I like songs that tell stories. I disagree with Don McLean - July 16, 1981 is the Day The Music Died.

And Al Stewart needs to produce some new stuff, rather than just live on his stuff from the 80's... what, me selfish?

That is all.

by John on Sep 26, 2006

September 16, 2006

Okay, Blame this one on BCR.

Bad Cat Robot briefed on September 14, 2006 08:03 AM
Yeah, yeah, SugarButtons. You think you're all done. See that backlog that extends beyond the horizon? GET TO WORK! More funny stories! The Denizennes will tell you when you are finished. ;-)

I just may hear that in a coupla minutes...

My buddy Ferd isn't the sharpest brick in the hod, but he makes a pretty good living as a furniture dealer. Business is so good, in fact, that he figured he'd expand his line of furniture and trundled off to Paris (France, not Texas) to see what he could find. As luck would have it, Ferd met a furniture manufacturer who had decided to go international and was looking for an American partner.

Later that afternoon, Ferd stopped at a small bistro for a glass of wine to celebrate his good fortune. After a couple of sips, he looked around and realized that the place was fairly crowded and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a beautiful young Parisienne walked up to his table, asked him something in French and motioned toward the chair. Now, Ferd doesn't speak a lick of French

*ooop -- sorry about your keyboard, wk*

but he's always had a firm grip on the obvious and invited her to sit down. Ferd tried to speak to her in English, but she only smiled and shrugged.

I'll let him take it from here --

"Well, after a coupla minutes of starin' at each other and smilin', I got an idea. I'm a pretty decent ar-teest -- that's a French word -- so I took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass on it and showed it to her. Sure enough, she smiled and nodded, so I ordered her a glass of wine.

"After another coupla minutes, I figured it was gettin' close to suppertime and I took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with a steak and stuff on it, and she smiled and nodded. So we got up and strolled around the corner to a little restaurant with a jazz trio that was playin' some really smooth tunes.

"I ordered a nice dinner for both of us and, after we finished, I took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancin'. Sure enough, she smiled and nodded and we danced until the place turned the lights up and the band was packin' it in. Well, we got back to our table and this time *she* picked up a napkin and she drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

"Ya know, Bill, if I live to be a hunnert, I'll never figger out how she knew I was in the furniture business..."


by CW4BillT on Sep 16, 2006

September 13, 2006


Dude - you're welcome, but there's a flaw in your plan.

I simply won't deposit it.

A gift is a gift, eh?

by John on Sep 13, 2006

September 08, 2006

Contrary to your expectations...

...this is *not* the back 40 at the Castle. Nor does it represent an unloading of the basement. Really. Honest.

Marines from B Company's 3rd Platoon stand next to one of the many weapons' caches they dug from the ground during Operation Rubicon in Mushin, Iraq, west of Habbaniyah. The Recon Marines unearthed hundreds of mortars, artillery shells, rifles, machines guns, ammunition and improvised explosive device-making materials. Marines found so many caches, they said they could barely make it 100 meters before discovering another buried weapons' site.

Marines from B Company's 3rd Platoon stand next to one of the many weapons' caches they dug from the ground during Operation Rubicon in Mushin, Iraq, west of Habbaniyah. The Recon Marines unearthed hundreds of mortars, artillery shells, rifles, machines guns, ammunition and improvised explosive device-making materials. Marines found so many caches, they said they could barely make it 100 meters before discovering another buried weapons' site.

Just sayin'. Really, Lee, it ain't. (That last is for my local Police Chief and fellow-Rotarian)

by John on Sep 08, 2006

September 04, 2006

Posted without comment.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

H/t, 1SG Keith.

by John on Sep 04, 2006
» basil's blog links with: Blogrolling 2006-09-05

September 02, 2006

Good Saturday Morning!

Amazing Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. [This will also clear a cosmolined bore - just make sure you don't do it in the kitchen. I've found SWWBO gets very put out when I do things like this in the kitchen...]

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. [Or when unsheathing bayonets...]

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. [I'd vouch for this but SWWBO would *kill* me]

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. [I can vouch for this one.]

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. [Or drinking that beer]

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


by John on Sep 02, 2006

September 01, 2006

Gee, I miss the Uniform sometimes...

McFalane's Military AF SPECOPS

Heh. As I sit here, in my cube farm (featureless and unlovely except for the McFarlane's Military action figures ((oh, all right, dolls)) atop my bookholderthingy) haphazardly ensconced in a (badly) converted barracks (these buildings were designed to actually be reasonably cool in the summer before artificial refrigeration became popular - but when you remove all those features so the sun pounds on the bricks, lock the windows, put in walls where none were intended and then wedge in an improperly designed central air afterthought that doesn't cool that well, but, I digress) on the oldest continuously active Fort west of the Mississippi (which is really ironic, as it was supposed to be on the *east* bank of the Missouri river... vice where the good Colonel actually put it ((which was a good decision, actually - the east bank was a foetid swamp back in the day - now it's just... Missouri, but I redundant myself)) surrounded by mostly contractors and a few GS civilians too cheap to take vacation today (aside: What do I miss most at this moment from hanging up the Uniform? Training Holidays!) I find that I have time to, oddly enough, answer Denizenne Cricket's Question:

A 'Flat Daddy?' Good helk. I knew someone in the Army would go around the twist and now it happened. We didn't have them when I was a young bride and I don't see why these women have to be wet nursed through a dedployment. No sir! We said "Flibbertyfloo!" and drove on. [This wasn't the question, I just like the word "Flibbertyfloo!" and wanted it on *my* blog - no reason Cassie should get all the fun, dammit! The question comes next]

In your peregrinations around the web, oh Princess, might I make a request of you?

About thirty or so years ago there was this film...had monks chanting about the shape of the earth, a chicky boo in a disco having a milkshake made in her head and it started with ping pong balls.

Could you hunt that puppy down?

Posted by: Cricket at September 1, 2006 10:46 AM

She asked it over in Cassie's Coffee Snorter, which, even if you read it earlier from my link above, you should go recheck because the comments are a hoot... Oh, yeah - Why Man Creates. And it was 38 years ago, geez, off by almost a quarter!

You're welcome. And of course, now I want to see it. Why? How could I not, after this?

Germ: I'm a germ, I'm a bug. I'm a germ, I'm a bug. [sees a foot] Germ: Louis Pasteur! I'm not a germ, I'm not a bug. I'm not a germ, I'm not a bug.

Now *that's* good humor!

Oh - and the above is why I'm *never* going to get published as more than a blog post buried in someone else's book... I cannot *resist* an aside...

by John on Sep 01, 2006

Unusual Strike Packages.

Toilet bomb loaded on an AH-1H Skyraider, the Paper Tiger II of VA-25, flying from the USS Midway in October, 1965

From an email.

In October 1965, CDR Clarence J. Stoddard, Executive Officer of VA-25 "Fist of the Fleet", flying an A-1H Skyraider, NE/572 "Paper Tiger II" from Carrier Air Wing Two aboard USS Midway carried a special bomb to the North Vietnamese in commemoration of the 6 millionth pound of ordinance dropped. This bomb was unique because of the type... it was a toilet!

The following is an account of this event, courtesy of Clint Johnson, Captain, USNR Ret. Captain Johnson was one of the two VA-25 A-1 Skyraider pilots credited with shooting down a MiG-17 on June 20, 1965.

I was a pilot in VA-25 on the 1965 Vietnam cruise.

The 572 was flown by CDR C. W. "Bill" Stoddard. His wingman in 577 (which was my assigned airplane) was LCDR Robin Bacon, who had a wing station mounted movie camera (the only one remaining in the fleet from WWII).

The flight was a Dixie Station strike (South Vietnam) going to the Delta. When they arrived in the target area and CDR Stoddard was reading the ordnance list to the FAC, he ended with "and one code name Sani-flush".

The FAC couldn't believe it and joined up to see it. It was dropped in a dive with LCDR Bacon flying tight wing position to film the drop. When it came off, it turned hole to the wind and almost struck his airplane. It made a great ready room movie. The FAC said that it whistled all the way down. The toilet was a damaged toilet, which was going to be thrown overboard.

One of our plane captains rescued it and the ordinance crew made a rack, tailfins and nose fuse for it. Our checkers maintained a position to block the view of the air boss and the Captain while the aircraft was taxiing forward.

Just as it was being shot off, we got a 1MC message from the bridge, "What the hell was on 572's right wing?" There were a lot of jokes with air intelligence about germ warfare. I wish that we had saved the movie film.

CDR Stoddard was later killed while flying 572 in Oct 1966.
He was hit by three SAMs over Vinh.

Now, the humorless anti's would demand an investigation into the war crime.

August 27, 2006


Carrie makes it to the Notable Quotes section of the right sidebar...

Perhaps we should have another category of conservatives besides paleocons and neocons.

"Narcissocons" with the motto "We are always on our minds". If you happen to be one, you are not allowed to have or spend the older quarters because there's a MEXICAN EAGLE on the back. Oh the horror. . . .

by John on Aug 27, 2006

August 26, 2006

Bad, bad terrorists! Sit! Stay!

During their recent deployment to Iraq, the soldiers of the 34th Infantry "Red Bull" Division of the National Guard ran into a particularly heinous form of booby trap - one that preys on the victims of General Order #1, which prohibits alcohol to deployed soldiers....

New jihadi boobytrap.  Bastards.

As long as the soldiers are doing this... morale is okay. You can click here for a larger version.

[And if you're the soldiers who put this together - I'd love to hear the story - whether or not ya wanna share it publicly, which is your call. In fact - I'd love to collect more stuff like this - an aspect of the war that is under-reported!]

by John on Aug 26, 2006
» MilBlogs links with: New boobytrap discovered in Iraq.
» EagleSpeak links with: New (well, let's say up-sized) booby trap
» EagleSpeak links with: New (well, let's say up-sized) booby trap

I'm fine! I'm fine! Really!

A farmer named Cooter had a bad, car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Cooter.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer?

Cooter responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the.........."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you Not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!"?

Cooter said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question, yes or no."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Cooter`s answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Cooter thanked the Judge and proceeded,

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown Into the other."

"I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie Moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans."

"Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, what the hell would you say?"

H/t, Rich B.

by John on Aug 26, 2006

August 18, 2006


Hee hee hee hee.



Dear, I am *so* proud.

by John on Aug 18, 2006

An Oldie but Goodie.

How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)

1. He does not have a beer gut...

He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)

He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)

2. He is not quiet...

He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is a SAMS grad.

3. He is not stupid...

He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is a field grade.

4. He does not get lost all the time...

He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He gets temporarily misoriented.

5. He is not balding...

He is in Follicle Regression.

He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.

6. He is not a cradle robber...

He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He is breaking the new fraternization policies.

7. He does not get falling-down drunk...

He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He practices his IMTs in the club.

8. He is not short...

He is Anatomically Compact.

He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.

9. He does not have a rich daddy...

He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He has the Army as a hobby.

10. He does not constantly talk about cars...

He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He must be a Transporter.

11. He does not have a hot body...

He is Physically Combustible.

He is a PT stud.

12. He is not unsophisticated...

He is Socially Challenged.

He is a Ranger.

13. He does not eat like a pig...

He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.

14. He is not a bad dancer...

He is Overly Caucasian.

He is from the Muddy Boots Army.

15. He does not hog the blankets...

He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is a Blue Falcon.

16. He is not a male chauvinist pig...

He has Swine Empathy.

He must be combat arms.

17. He is not afraid of commitment...

He is Monogamously Challenged.

He loves TDY.

What are your additions?

by John on Aug 18, 2006

August 14, 2006

"Kibble with Mustard"

Bill's post below this one, in the closing of which the title of this post appears, reminded me of a TINS.

Not because I know what kibble with mustard tastes like, but because... well, that would be getting ahead of myself.

January 1, 1970. Fryar Circle (named after Private Elmer Fryar, Medal of Honor recipient), just outside of Sheridan Kaserne, Augsburg, Germany. Home to a tank battalion and an artillery battalion of the 24th ID (FWD). The artillery battalion, the 2nd Battalion, 35th Field Artillery, has just installed a new commanding officer, fresh from commanding a battalion in Vietnam. Back in a time when the military was rather more insular than it is today (yes, we really were) there were many social traditions in place who's purpose was to civilize the Lieutenants and acclimatize their ladies to the Service. Traditions observed more in the breach than with any regularity today. While that represents an overall positive - the soldiery getting out amongst the normals more now than we did then - there has been a loss of the sense of community, too.

One of those traditions was the Commander's New Year's Reception. A stylish, formal affair, officers and their ladies dressed up (before 5PM, Dress Blues) and on a schedule worked out by the battalion exec, everybody trooped by at a designated time and stayed for about 30 minutes, then left. One of the reasons for that was to control the flow - so that the Commander and his Lady could actually meet 'n greet and talk with everybody rather than just flit about in a mass. The intent, while seemingly sterile, was actually to facilitate conversation, as well as letting the Boss and his wife get a sense of the social graces of the officers and what, if any, polishing needed to be done.

Children (i.e., my sister and I) were chattel servants, to be seen restocking the hors d'oeurves and such, and little heard from.

Well, not this reception. They all showed up and no one left. Vietnam was in full swing, half of them had just come from there, the rest would be going over soon. The place dripped with Purple Hearts, two Silver Stars, a Distinguished Flying Cross, and 4 Bronze Stars with V.

We ran out of food. Oddly, we didn't run out of liquor, but it was a different Army then.

A young Lieutenant discovered to his delight a Sweet Young Thing who would listen to his stories of intended martial glory and seemed swayed by his tipsy wit and charm. Tipsy enough his Career Preservation Sensor was intermittent.

His face, when apprised by the battalion XO that he was chatting up the battalion commander's 15 year old daughter was... priceless.

As I said, we ran out of food. The Colonel's Lady informed Number One and Only Son to go rummage up something from the kitchen. My initial foray was fruitful, there being a hitherto unobserved box of Triscuits hiding out in a corner of the pantry, behind the Cheerios. That lasted all of 20 minutes. And that only because the alcohol was flowing freely.

The Colonel's Lady was not one to be put off my the mere absence of comestibles. Number One and Only Son was directed to find more. The Colonel's Lady could hold her liquor... but, well, let's just say Mom wasn't firing on all cylinders anymore. Heh. No one there but my sister and I was...

I've got French Onion dip. And I've got... Milk Bones.

Heheheheheheheheheh. And a room full of drunken officers and their spouses, them what had 'em, anyway.

Y'know, if you break off the little rounded bits (a groove facilitating that process thoughtfully provided by the manufacturer) and put a dollop of French Onion Dip on 'em... they make a passable-looking hors d'oeuvre. At this point, Captain Stewart, commander of Alpha Battery, pokes his head in the kitchen to see if there's any food. Knowing the good Captain to be a Practical Joker, I wave him over and show him my creation. His face lights up with an evil co-conspiratorial grin. "I'll take it from here - you just keep making 'em!" Taking up the serving platter, he sweeps from the kitchen. First victim - his wife (last I heard, a few years ago - they were still married). She partakes, bites into it - gets a funny look on her face, and, oddly enough, dawning recognition flares.

With a dimpled grin, a muttered "You b@st@rd!" she deftly takes the platter (not as drunk as I thought, methinks) and starts making the rounds - while Captain Stewart comes back for more.

The party went on until I ran out of Milk Bones. It would appear that if we'd cut the hogs from the trough early, Mom and Dad would have gotten off a *lot* cheaper that night.

The Duty Driver and his jeep were kept busy ferrying the married sots to their quarters, while a deuce-and-a-half dropped sotted single Lieutenants back at the BOQ.

While I've not tasted "kibble with mustard" per se, I *am* familiar with dog food and condiments.

And to this day, I tell that story to all the officer's kids I meet, when they are forced by their parents to attend a soireé as chattel servants. Usually much to the dawning horror of their officer parents. Consequently, SWWBO and I don't get invited to those parties much any more.

by John on Aug 14, 2006
» MilBlogs links with: Bratty memories.
» Barking Moonbat Early Warning System links with: Look Who's Blogging

Heard In Passing

My back yard abuts those of two others on the street parallel to mine and my neighbors are two elderly ladies who have been friends since they were schoolgirls. Through the years, they shared all kinds of activities and adventures, but these days, their activities are limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards in the shade of the big ol' maple tree which sits on their property line.

I was unclogging the pond pump yesterday morning and, sure enough, they were playing cards. I was going to give them the usual friendly wave "hello" when I saw one look at the other and say, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but your name has completely slipped my mind! I've thought and thought, but I just can't remember it! Please--tell me your name..."

Her friend just glared at her for at least three minutes.

Then she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

by CW4BillT on Aug 14, 2006

August 13, 2006

What the heck, a joke.

It's Sunday. The news is depressing.

It's an old joke, but it still makes me laugh.

The 3-kick rule.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours
when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Yeah, it's mean. What's your point?

by John on Aug 13, 2006

August 11, 2006

Chicken, Iraqi, road, crossing, 1 ea.

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE


MNSTC-I (Multi-Nat'l Security Transition Cmd-Iraq)
The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled October constitutional transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.99 (per chicken)

Muqtada al Sadr
The chicken is a tool of the evil coalition and will be killed

US Army Military Police
We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga (indep Kurdish fighters)
The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a lastic bill.

3rd ID
The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without two forms of picture identification. Thus the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be carried out by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera
The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of coalition soldiers, according to eyewitnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater (security contractors)
We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken road crossing incident.

Iraqi Provincial Police Chief
Chicken she cross street because bad she fried the tangled regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S Marine Corps
The chicken is dead.

We saw the whole bloody thing and threw the chick on the Barbie then went to getting on the piss

MNC-I (Multi-Nat'l Corps-Iraq)
The chicken crossing situation is reflected in the TRA as an amber rated capability within only those regions prioritized to receive road marking equipment and should not be confused with units non-operationally qualified to partner, yet, with chicken crossers. This will be briefed in the next conference.

MNF-I (Multi-Nat'l Force-Iraq)
There are no cross chicken operations in theater but by June 15, 2006 we will have 24,300 chickens fully prepared to cross.

Welsh (British Army)
Whale Ya' know what its like to be laying out dead chickens when your dressed like a brownie right? So, thar we were, surrounded by these crazy foggin chickens...

In the last seven days the USAF has cargo-lifted 732,361 chickens across 852 roads.

In Northern Ireland we used to conduct chicken crossing operations all the time. If you will *finally* listen to us, we'll show, in fact, let me show you now...

British (Navy variant)
Fer cripe's sake, what am I doing here dealing with chickens? There isn't salt water for 400 miles from here! Have I shown you pictures of HMS Edinborough today?

FA 59s (Strategists)
In 1835, just two years before his untimely death from Cholera, Clauswitz wrote this about chickens, "blah, blah, blah..."

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

by John on Aug 11, 2006

August 04, 2006

3 Things meme, continued.

If the following makes no sense to you - look over in the left sidebar for the "Search This Site" box (right below the Raging RINO's logo) and type in "Carborundum". Start at the bottom, read up.

BCR, when responding to the 3 Things meme, tagged Carborundum, Bill's Guardian Angel.

He's slow to respond, but he did. His answers are in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.
Heh. Carborundum tagged Ghengis Khan, Prester John, and Effluvius. I'd like to hear *their* responses, too!

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Aug 04, 2006

August 03, 2006

The 'Three Things" meme...

...infected this space while I was gone. I don't see why I shouldn't subject you to it just because I was off in sunny Mexico...

But I'll put it below the fold, so you'll only suffer if you want to.

It's in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Aug 03, 2006

August 02, 2006

Official Photographs, incorrect captions thereon, case #4,578,331

Heh. Seems we're still having caption problems with those people who caption official photos (or the photogs who provide the info, to be fair.) This time, however, it caught someone up known to deployed Castle Denizen Blake Kirk, who tells us in his comment to the news post below:

We're having problems with semi-competent captioners over here again.

Actually, MAJ Bailey works in the 101st Abn Div G4, where I am currently hanging my hat. Her desk is about 15 feet where I'm sitting as I type this, and the "misrepresentation" of her unit in the official caption on the picture has been a source of some amusement in our workspace for the past couple of days. She's a nice lady, and is pretty durned good at what she does, which being the division-level aviation maintenance staff officer.

And in defense of the caption writier, the civil action mission on which MAJ Bailey was photographed WAS organized and led by the 402nd CA.

Fixed. You can tell Major Bailey that on at least one site on the Internet, she gets proper credit.

And now, sinces she's a known entity to us, we'll add her to the Guardian Angel list.

I can hear Carborundum now..."Oh no! NOT ANOTHER AVIATOR!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"

by John on Aug 02, 2006

July 27, 2006

Screwed Tagged!?!

AFSis must’ve been nipped by a critter again—she tagged me--which proves she's not quite herself, whichever self it is she happens to be at the moment...

Durnburned *chick* questions. Anyway, here are Three--

1. --things that scare me:
a. Having only one round left. Ummm—waitaminnit—I don’t have to worry about that anymore.
b. Flashbacks. Ummm—waitanotherminnit—now they’ve gone to just being Annoying.
c. Those sudden, gaping holes in the fabric of space on the bridge to Arkham...

2. --people who make me laugh:
a. AFSis in Were-Kitty mode.
b. Cricket in Cricket mode.
c. Cassandra in Flounce mode.
d. Neffi in Normal mode. Yeah, that’s four. Sue me.

3. --things I hate the most:
a. Walking three excited dogs along the towpath at night and startling a skunk.
b. Walking three excited dogs along the towpath during the day and startling a copperhead.
c. People whose idea of a meaningful dialogue consists of a lecture interspersed with, “You. Just. Don’t. Get. It.” Heh—there’s a *lot* of things I don’t get, Buttercup; you’re lucky that “pugnacious” isn’t one of them…

4. --things I don't understand:
a. Psychopaths.
b. Sociopaths.
c. People who think that a. and b. are “victims of a dysfunctional childhood” rather than “imbued with the souls of weasels.”

5. --things I'm doing right now:
a. Writing this answer.
b. Racking my brain for another answer.
c. Telling Jake to knock off barking at the wild turkey on the porch.

6. --things I want to do before I die:
a. Get *reeeal tight* with Sky Boss.
b. Figure out how to keep that %$#@! turkey off the porch.
c. Finish writing the book I started fifteen years ago (when the flashbacks went from Holy %$#@! to being merely Scary).

7. --things I can do:
a. Landscaping and waterscaping. Luckily, I heal fast--usually.
b. Build a house to code. Solo. Takes a while, though...
c. Write SOPs that look like they came straight from the Schoolhouse.

8. --ways to describe my personality:
a. Odd.
b. Really odd.
c. See a. and b.

9. --things I can't do:
a. Keep my 12-string guitar in tune for more than 12 minutes.
b. Get KtLW to stop giving me directions five seconds late; e.g., “According to the map that I’ve consistently refused to let you so much as glance at, you should have turned left at that road we're passing now.”
c. Wear a T-shirt outdoors.

10. --things I think you should listen to (because they’re what I hear the twenty-odd hours that I’m awake and, besides, I’m feeling ornery):
a. Love-struck cicadas.
b. Love-struck crickets.
c. A 15-decibel trench whistle backed up by an atonal 35Hz warble. And that probably provides some explaination for number 8.

11. --things you should never listen to:
a. Michael Bolton songs.
b. Barry Manilow songs.
c. The Voices underneath the basement stairs.

12. --absolute favorite foods (soooooo chickish!):
a. Coffee. *Good* coffee. Not that megachain-overpriced-dishwater.
b. Turkey, stuffed with a sausage, mushroom and pepperoni pizza—with extra cheese.
b. Mint chocolate chip ice cream.

13. --things I'd like to learn:
a. Why fluency in Spanish is suddenly a sine qua non for getting a job in the state of New Jersey.
b. How the Dems in North Jersey manage to get over five thousand dead people to the polls every election day without leaving crud trails all over.
c. Why DoD even bothers to go through the motions of BRAC.

14. --beverages I drink regularly:
a. Coffee. Black, no sugar. It’s the only thing I drink with any semblance of regularity.
b. Coffee. Black, with sugar. When I need the jolt.
c. River Horse Tripel Ale. When my normal stress management techniques go off visiting.

15. --shows I watched as a kid:
a. Death Valley Days.
b. Crusader Rabbit.
c. The Ernie Kovacs Show.

16. --people chicks I'm tagging (hey, it's a chick quiz, I got tagged by a chick and I don't get out much, okay?):
a. Brab (who needs the practice--yup, uh-huh, sure thing).
b. FbL (who needs the break).
c. BadCatRobot (who needs to finally admit she can't tolerate lima beans).

by CW4BillT on Jul 27, 2006
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Three Things
» Fuzzilicious Thinking links with: Threes
» planck's constant links with: Threes

July 24, 2006

If One Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words--

--then these two oughta generate War and Peace in the comment blocks.

Okay, between job-hunting, dialup timeouts, KtLW's honeydew list (written on two rolls of TP--in 2-point Arial Narrow, shorthand, single spaced), the hourly electrical storms for the past week and training a puppy for someone who's clueless about dogs, I don't get out much anymore.

And now I get snarked because the comment parties are getting too blah-zay. Ohhhh-kayy, let's see if I can get something rolling, here...

While poking around Maryland after we got chased out by the flood a couple weeks back, KtLW spotted one of those roadside "Kitsch ‘Я’ Us" establishments and insisted on taking a shopping break. About thirty seconds after bailout from the car, she spotted a four-foot bronze of a frog using a lilypad (or a toad using a toadstool) as an umbrella. Yeah--a batrachian doesn't do *wet*, right?

KtLW: "It'll be *perfect* for the pond!"

Me: "It'll scare the daylights out of the fish and attract egrets the size of condors."

KtLW: "Besides, it's on sale. Look at the price--that's *cheap* for a bronze!"

Me: "Yeah, it's cheap for a one-half scale model of the USS Missouri, too, and *that* won't work in the pond, either."

I was adamant. I expounded on the fifty irrefutable reasons why buying the thing was a Bad Idea. Halfway through number fifty-one, she said, "I need a bathroom. Wait here."

Twenty minutes later, she was back.

"It'll be delivered in two weeks. We can go, now."

*sigh* They dropped it off last Friday. I spent an hour wading in the shallow end of the pond (27 inches deep, naturally) building a sunken pedestal and hooking the blamed thing up.

Okay--so it ain't a Botticelli.

I plugged in the pump, and after a couple of minutes of No Fountain, I figured the road trip disconnected the tubing somewhere inside and Frogzilla's interior was filling with water.

Right on cue, came the leak.

Got that kinda European thang going for it, huh?

KtLW looked at it for about a minute and said, "That is *NOT* the effect I was looking for."

Heh. Have at it, commenters!

by CW4BillT on Jul 24, 2006

July 23, 2006

Cotillion Humor.

SWWBO is a member of The Cotillion, as is Cassandra.

Since she has joined, the group email list has sucked her in. Which is okay, because it makes her laugh.

This is one of the things those oh-so-prim-and-proper Cotillionites send to each other.

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man. "

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

Oh, the homophobic humanity!

H/t, Cotillionite LindaSOG.

While this one *isn't* a Cotillion submission, I'm betting they'd like it.

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."

by John on Jul 23, 2006
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

July 20, 2006


"Hey, Viper! Is the bomb release the *white* knob or the *red* knob?"

"Red, why?"

"Oh, nothing. Just curious."

B-52 mistakenly drops bombs on nearby lake

Associated Press
KANOPOLIS, Kan. - Corey Armstrong and his friends got some company while swimming at Kanopolis Lake on Wednesday - nine practice bombs dropped by accident from a passing B-52 bomber.

"I just saw them, when they hit, it was four splashes pretty much at the same time," said Armstrong, 16, of Salina. "The bomber started flying in circles after that."

Lt. Col. Jeff Jordan, commander of the nearby Smoky Hill National Guard Range, said the bomber dropped the bombs by mistake while on a training mission. He said the plane is based at Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana.

Jordan said the bombs, all of which apparently hit the water, were filled with concrete, not explosives, and didn't pose a threat to the public.

He said the base in investigating why the bombs were released.

H/t, Larry K, who lives in the shadow of the Guns of Fort Riley.

by John on Jul 20, 2006

A Test!

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laughed, you are going straight to hell.

See you in hell!

by John on Jul 20, 2006

July 18, 2006

A riddle.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Stumped? The answer is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jul 18, 2006

July 13, 2006

Hey! I'm not fat, I'm embonpoint!

Yeah - that's it!

I often disagree with John Derbyshire of National Review - but I'm with him on this one!

[Enter Husband from left. He has just taken a shower, and is wearing only a towel fixed round his waist.]

Wife [pointing at husband's fairly ample midriff]: What's that?

Husband: That? That's my embonpoint.

W: Your what?

H: Embonpoint. That's my embonpoint.

W: That's not a word.

H: Is so.

W: Well, it's not an English word.

H: If it's in the dictionary, it is. I bet it's in the dictionary.*

W: It's flab, that's what it is.

H: Embonpoint.

W: Flab. Gut. Beer belly. You should get rid of it.

H [feigning outrage]: Get rid of my embonpoint? Never!

W: Om bom pom, phooey. You give it fancy name, doesn't make it beautiful. It's flab. You need to exercise more.

H: No time. Too busy working to support my family.

W [scornfully]: Hah! You worked much harder when we first got married, but didn't have om bom pom. What happened to your six-pack?

H: It's there.

W: Where?

H: Under my embonpoint.

*Oh yeah it *is*... embonpoint.

by John on Jul 13, 2006

July 12, 2006


I'm pretty sure this is how it would work out around here, too...

Well, it's not a mid life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 45 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 45 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year old sexpot. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 67 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22 year old sexpot, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.... !!!!!!

Hey, who knew? Ain't America great?

I *don't* like sofa beds.

by John on Jul 12, 2006

July 08, 2006

One day out on the golf course...

God is teeing up on 13 when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

( I love this )

"Get your own dirt."

H/t, Rich B. Betcha didn't know God was a Missourian, either!

by John on Jul 08, 2006

July 06, 2006

Boquisucio sponsors a Caption Contest.

Okay, they aren't really contests. No judging or anything. Cassie's roped up all the good captioners anyway.

Regardless - have fun with this. I expect some serious service-snarking.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

by John on Jul 06, 2006
» Villainous Company links with: Tsk, Tsk...

Like I leave the keys laying around...

In the comments to the H&I Post below, Jim B, former Marine, Erudite Edumacator, and Bogey-man of Argghhh opines thusly:

Well as usual I have a keen eye for detail (yea right ususlly I classify things like this; If you can't eat it drink it or take it to bed with you what good is it?)

I noticed the Militaria Bar of Argghh, and the Booze Vessels of Argghh, and noted there was no Scoresby present. Therefore on future trips to the land of Argghh (yes Dorothy there is an Argghh) I will be compelled to brink [sic] the official Scoresby hip flask with me. Which is, of course and empied [sic] out plastic bottle that formerly contained Sprite.

Snerk. Looks like it's well-used, too.

1. I don't leave the keys laying around for Denizens to find. If I did, it would be the Empty Liquor Cabinet of Argghhh!

2. We've not yet felt compelled to light the Jim B. Grail Beacon. Close, but you've not *quite* dropped out of sight.

3. Just to make you feel more comfortable, I will send Ry up the High Tower to light the Beacon.

There. Go behind the Curtain into the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry and see what awaits.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jul 06, 2006

June 26, 2006

Things that make me go, "Hunh."

I use a spam blocker. Frustrated with a recent onslaught of spam for ci@lis, I took a brute force approach and just added ci@lis to the block list.

Which caused Ry no end of frustration this weekend, trying to post a comment in his chat with Trias in the comments to this post (a fun discussion if you've not been following it).

"Yeah, so?" I can hear your fingertips drumming in the desk.

It blocked the comment because of the word "socialism" in Ry's comment.

There's a joke in there, somewhere...

by John on Jun 26, 2006

June 25, 2006

Caption this!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Tough neighborhood.

by John on Jun 25, 2006
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

June 23, 2006

The Story of Creation - Militant


….And In The Beginning there was Infantry, the Queen of Battle, and there was chaos in the universe, for the Infantry was alone. And there were huge monsters and creatures and other evil things, all of which could devour the Infantry.

And Fear was with the Infantry, and they wept unto the Lord, saying, “Lord, save us, for we are afraid!”

And the Lord harkened unto their pleas, and set certain of them upon beasts of burden, donkeys and jackasses and mules, and these the Lord called Cavalry.

The Infantry and the Cavalry looked about themselves at the very scary world the Lord had created and together they wept unto the Lord saying, “Lord, save us, for we are afraid.”

And the Lord pondered, and saw that Infantry and Cavalry are as babes, and the Lord made to allay their weeping and lamentation, for it was annoying.

The Lord spake unto them, saying, “Lo, and behold, for I bring unto you a noble race of men, keen of eye and wit, with great strength of head and heart and hand, and with courage and spirit undaunted,” and the Lord created Field Artillery and named it The King of Battle.

And the Lord said, “The King shall light the darkness of your goblin-filled night and you shall tremble before him, and when you need smoke, there shall be smoke, and when you need it to rain down death and destruction upon the enemy, then too you shall have it. Just remember to duck."

And the Lord gave unto the Artillery, to be their own, great guns and huge shells, wondrously wrought, and Rockets to Shoot Deep.

The Infantry and Cavalry beheld these things, and as sheep in the fold are wont, knelt before the Artillery and their Pieces, and the Lord was pleased. So were the Redlegs.

And the Infantry and Cavalry said "The Lord must truly love the Artillery to have given them such Kewl Stuff!"

And the Lord said from above, “Check.”

And now abideth in harmony, Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery, but the greatest of these is the Artillery.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

H/t Gwedd, for reminding me about this and giving it to me in digits, saving me having to scan the copy from my OBC files.

by John on Jun 23, 2006

June 22, 2006

And now for something completely different.

Continuing the indirect fire theme with a twist, let's listen to a recent call for fire.

"Armorer, this is SWWBO, Adjust Fire, over."

"SWWBO, this is Armorer, Adjust Fire, out."

"Grid FJ 66216 51448, over."

"Grid FJ 66216 51448, over."

"Special Munition in effect, over."

"Special Munition in effect, out."

"Shot, over."

"Shot, out."

"Splash, over."

"Splash, out."

"Right One-Zero, Record as Target, Fire For Effect, over."

"Right One-Zero, Record as Target, Fire for Effect, out."

"Shot, over."

"Shot, out."

"Splash, over."

"Splash, out."

Schlussel-Free Zone

"SWWBO, this is Armorer, Target Number 1369, over."

"Armorer, this is SWWBO, Target Number 1369, out."

"Armorer, this is SWWBO, End of Mission, Target Annoyed, over."

"SWWBO, this is Armorer, End of Mission, Target Annoyed, out."

by John on Jun 22, 2006

June 21, 2006

*Not* a Whatziss. For a change...

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through his front door, his wife started in on him: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on and on and on...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went to the liquor cabinet, poured himself a stiff shot of scotch, and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub.

He was pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that the governor had relented and granted her husband's client his stay of execution. She finally realized what a day he must have had and proceeded upstairs to give him the good news.

She opened the bathroom door and was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she announced.

He whirled around and screamed, "OH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, the mug, the plaque and the scars to prove it. Heh--a tip o' the dinged flight helmet to Two-Niner.

by CW4BillT on Jun 21, 2006

June 17, 2006

Caption this!

Okay - go for it.

Caption This!

by John on Jun 17, 2006

June 16, 2006

Catholic Humour.*

The issue of Catholic doctrine having come up at work, with words like "consubstantial" and "consubstantiation" being tossed about with reckless abandon, I turn to the machine and find that Castle Adjutant Barb has spammed me with this - that I must share:

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

SWWBO - I assure you the Sidewalks of Argghhh! are just fine!

Update: And, of course, this post generates *this* response - which indicates *why* Brab's [sic] joke was desperately needed:

Apropos of nothing in the consubstantial debate, consubstantiation is the Lutheran and Episcopal explanation of consecration of the sacred species. Catholics reject this and believe in transubstantiation which is a word created to describe bread and wine looking, feeling and tasting like bread and wine except they no longer are bread and wine. The appearance is the accident which hides, from our senses, the Body and Blood of Christ.

From the fury of the doctrinaire, deliver us, O Lord!

*Spelt in SWWBO-fashion.

by John on Jun 16, 2006

Amusing stuff for Friday...

[Embedded video links removed because they really hork it up for people who don't have the plug-ins]

The Armorer of Argghhh goes hunting...

And who-the-helk sent the Castle Party Videos? Werekitten? JTG? Bad Cat Robot? Hmmmm? Security people! Security!

Lastly - if you're old enough to have been playing first-person-shooters since the beginning - you'll appreciate this one!

by John on Jun 16, 2006

June 14, 2006

Castle Argghhh! Medical Advice.

I need a beer, dear. Doctor's orders!

Not to mention a coupla pots of hot joe,

And on the days I'm too busy, I'll just have some Irish Coffee.

by John on Jun 14, 2006

June 13, 2006

Ahhhh. I love it when a pundit speaks their mind...

...knowing it's going to annoy fans and non-fans.

John Podhoretz on NRO today: "So you can all go soak your heads."

Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Sometimes, a little civil incivility is called for.

by John on Jun 13, 2006

June 07, 2006

When he asked so nicely... could I refuse Lex's request?

The Armorer tests out some new kit

by John on Jun 07, 2006

June 04, 2006

Lazy Sunday Caption Contest.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

I'll start you off.

"Ennis and Jack at Sniper School"

H/t, Larry K for the pic!

by John on Jun 04, 2006
» links with: Sniper caption contest @ the Castle

May 25, 2006

Y'know. We need a bandwidth waster.

I think this will do.

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows ME, I will send you to the electric chair."

by John on May 25, 2006

May 21, 2006

I'll take two, please.

Via Coast Guard Dad Larry comes this! The Armorer can buy what passes for a Castle here in the States!!!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

And while it *is* in New York, the Armorer could indulge himself by keeping an eye on those tricksy syrup-eating Canajuns, while at the *same time* trying to scarf up sufficient land on the Canadian side of this tract to build an Annex to hold Canadian early-spec deactivated weapons, which are *much* kewler and complete than their American counter-parts. Not to mention that you don't *have* to deactivate artillery and such up there, and stuff like that is a *lot* cheaper in Canada than in the US... so the holdings of the Arsenal could expand - *and* be displayed in... a Castle! Not too mention it's at the end of a 700 foot causeway, so the parties wouldn't disturb the neighbors. Too much. The shooting might... but we could build a range on the Castle grounds that would be safe enough, I think. Oh frabjous day!

Well, okay, the artillery would present a challenge, but the lake looks pretty empty in the pic, donnit?

There's just the problem of that dang lottery ticket, now.

by John on May 21, 2006

May 17, 2006

Heh. I can play Bill's game.

Sure, I can take random or not-so-random gut parts from something and ask "Whazzis?" (see below)

Of course, what I can't do is the amusing copy...

So, in the manner of Bill: Whazzis?

Give ya a hint - it's outta the Balkans

Oh, yeah - it's about as big around as a nickel.

And it comes from something seen on these pages.

First person to get it, I'll give ya a Castle Mug.

Snerk. I shoulda just pulled a random gear outta an aiming circle...

I think my Mug Stock will remain untouched.

by John on May 17, 2006

Satori, My Way.

KtLW is a Doctor Phil phan.

And Doctor Phil recently proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around the house for all the things I had started and hadn't finished. Before leaving this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire, a package of Oreos, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of jelly donuts.

You have *nooooo* idea how inner peaceful I feel…

* * * * * *

Heh. H/t to Doc E.

by CW4BillT on May 17, 2006

May 12, 2006

In the midst of too much to do...

...while suffering the dammed curse 'o the Sassenach, I find this gem in my email box.

A terrible death in the family

Dateline 1979, Germany. A Troop, 3/7 Cavalry is on maneuvers at the military training site at Hohenfels... a handsome and studly young tank commander removes the shoulder holster containing his Army .45 and hangs it from the turret roof near the loader's station. It'll be safe there whilst negotiating the cross-country target acquisition course!

Now imagine if you will, gentle reader, the pendulum effect of a heavy pistol suspended by a leather strap from the turret of a 52 ton M60A1 tank- when in the course of the aforementioned exercise the tank is traversing rough terrain and our hero is desperately manipulating the commander's override turret control to engage close range targets... all in a days work for the Cav! But somewhere along the line physics and gravity overcome the precarious hold of the leather holster strap on it's mounting and the pistol falls!... and becomes intimately engaged with the gear mechanism which rotates the turret... the 16 ton turret... which requires a powerful motor to drive said gear... which consumes and ejects a .45 pistol with all the disdain of yer cousin Bubba spitting a sunflower seed.

Sheesh... this cost me $54, the Gummint cost for the WWII Remington Rand-made .45. A chunk of money for me at the time; I was an E-5 and making 450 monthly- and then the bastids wouldn't let me keep it! I wanted it for a conversation piece, ya know- like, "Hey looky what some dumbshirt did to this here gun thingy!!!" but the bean-counting sumbirtches insisted it was still US Property even after they stripped the dinero from my miserable stipend.

The M16 I crushed two months later cost me $174 and they wouldn't let me keep that, either. Bastids.

Heh. Just in case you're interested in what they retail for now... admittedly in somewhat better condition.

You may amuse yourselves determining *who* might have provided this tale of woe...

by John on May 12, 2006

May 06, 2006

Feh. Wimmin.

First - go read this. Plus the comments. Then come back. I'll put a totally unrelated picture up as a screensaver.

Early version of the M1957 12 Pounder cannon in the Smithsonian Museum of American History

Heh. So, I wander in with the first-made coffee of the day, and nonchalantly ask, "Okay, what'd I do?"


"The post, yesterday, what'd I do?"

"Um, er, uh, [time-buying sip of coffee] umm, good, thanks!"

"Uh-uh. You ain't getting off that easy. What amazing act of cluelessness led to that post?"

"Um, I dunno."


"Well, I just don't remember."

"Heh. Memorable enough to slap me in front of the entire freaking world, yesterday, but you.don't.remember."

"It was just something exasperating at the time. I don't remember what it was."

Sometimes, the actions of Henry VII(I) become more explicable... Now *cannon* - them I understand.

by John on May 06, 2006
» basil's blog links with: Picnic 2006-05-06

May 05, 2006

Levity! That's what we need today!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

by John on May 05, 2006

Intimations of Mortality

Despite all the sadness in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on last week's passing of someone who made an incalculable contribution to the profession of Wedding Singer.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. His death was all but unnoticed by the MSM.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started...

Heh. H/t to Doc E.

by CW4BillT on May 05, 2006

May 02, 2006

What's the Kerfuffle?

Ambrose Burnside at Mardi Gras with Flaming Drink made from an office globe given him by a Confederate Veteran of Antietam

Mebbe I missed it - but people are upset over a drawing of Union General Ambrose Burnside celebrating Mardi Gras?

I mean really.

Who is this?

The Profit?

Or Ambrose?

General Ambrose Burnside

You decide.

I mean, really.

Clearly General Burnside

It's obvious to me. This is clearly a clueless Union General Ambrose Burnside at a post-war Mardi Gras in New Orleans with a flaming drink made from an office globe given him by a Confederate Veteran of Antietam.

Get with the program, people. Sheesh.

by John on May 02, 2006

May 01, 2006

Home-wrecking, er, remodeling of Argghhh!

We're actually done with demolition work and are busy making *enhancements*.

With Supervision, of course.

Here is SWWBO being Admonished by Floor Installation Supervisor Gandalf.

Gandalf Offers Advice and Direction on Floor Installation

The Painting Inspectors were by, too.

But, all in all, things are progressing nicely, I think. If slower than we'd like.

Destruction pic available here.

by John on May 01, 2006
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: workity work work

April 29, 2006

Some good one liners in the midst of the DoS attack.

We're collateral damage, not the target. Silly buggers. The message is *still* out there, via Google. All this has done is give me a reason to fire up Photoshop.

The one liners...

Some new, some old. The cyber-jihadis farking around with Castle Argghhh!'s infrastructure should take note of Number 1.

"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted."
Dept of State rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM)

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM)

The worst that has happened? I spent time with SWWBO I would otherwise have spent at the keyboard... beat me with that stick.

Oh, and Castle Argghhh! has probably been robbed of our chance to break 80K visits for the month by the Wahabist hosers.

Ha! I don't sell ads, dudes, Ya didn't cost me a dime, and Hosting Matters will probably rebate some of the month's charges even.

However here we sit, bloody but unbowed, bruised but unbroken, still balefully glaring out at you sitting on top of a heap of skulls and shouting out to the world:

Wahabism Delenda Est!

Put that in your hookah and smoke it, hosers.

by John on Apr 29, 2006

April 27, 2006

Caption Contest!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Provided by Boquisucio - go for it.

I'll start: "And you thought Douglas Adams was writing novels..."

by John on Apr 27, 2006

April 26, 2006


Simply, excellent. H/t, JTG, who sez:

I was gonna post, but #80 did it for me.*

If you think this is as funny as I do - you spend waaaaaaay too much time reading blogs.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Apr 26, 2006

April 13, 2006

Once upon a time...

...there were three marmosets residing in the Philadelphia Zoo who decided they wanted to live in luxury for the rest of their lives.

They just didn’t know how they were going to do it.

So, they all sat down at the conference table at the top of the big fiberglass tree and brainstormed the problem.

After three hours of rejecting every idea they put out for discussion, the littlest marmoset said, “Y’know, the oceans are ruled by the heirs of Neptune -- the Four Eternal Porpoises. But their immortality depends on them dining once every fifty years on a meal of roast seagull.”

“Yeah, and…?” asked the biggest marmoset.

The littlest marmoset replied, “This is the year. They have to eat roast seagull this year or they’ll resume aging. They’re the rulers of the sea, knowing all its secrets and the location of all its treasures, so I’ll bet they’d be grateful enough to pay a fortune to anyone who could deliver a bunch of seagulls to their underwater grotto in the Florida Keys.”

“Dummy!” shouted the middle-sized marmoset. “The Keys are lousy with seagulls -- the porpoises can get ‘em any time they want to lift a flipper!”

The littlest marmoset grinned. “Not so!” he said, “Since seagulls are a protected species, the Feds placed a geas on the porpoises forty-nine years ago -- they can’t approach the surface whenever seagulls are present. And to keep entrepreneurs like us from delivering roast seagull to the porpoises, they chained a pair of fierce lions just inside the entrance to the grotto. All we’ve gotta do is grab some seagulls, toss the lions a couple of dozen burgers laced with tranquilizers and we’re set for life.”

The other two marmosets agreed it was a splendid idea. They hopped the zoo fence at closing time, scampered down to Penn's Landing, nabbed four seagulls in a trap baited with week-old squid and set out for the Florida Keys.

At the Last Burger Joint Before the Grotto, the three marmosets ordered fifty burgers to go -- extra ketchup, hold the onions -- and set out for the grotto of the Four Eternal Porpoises.

The lions roared a warning as the three marmosets approached with trepidation (and seagulls and burgers), but after scenting the flame-broiled goodies, the lions quieted. The marmosets unwrapped the burgers (extra ketchup, hold the onions), added a hefty dose of a leading brand name mood-equalizing chemical compound to each, and proceeded to toss them to the lions.

Between the tryptophan and the tranquilizers, the lions were soon prone, relaxed and, ummmmm, sedate.

The three marmosets lifted the cage containing the trapped seagulls, entered the grotto, hopped gingerly over the semi-comatose lions and proceeded down into the depths.

Where they were promptly arrested by Federal agents.

Because, as everybody knows --

*ohhhh, this is gonna leave a bruise…*

it’s illegal to transport gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.

by CW4BillT on Apr 13, 2006

April 11, 2006


I'm sure it's not true, but I'm also sure it's funny. And since I picked on Big Media today, this is proffered as "balance"...

CNN Photographer

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots." The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, but finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?

H/t, Rich B.

by John on Apr 11, 2006

April 10, 2006

Contractor Lexicon

As an Outside-The-Beltway Bandit who reads the occasional government Request for Proposal (RFP) and then tries to craft a credible fantasy document for the government that will, A. Give them what they want, what they really really want, vice what they asked for (you gotta read some of these to believe 'em*), and; B. squeeze enough blood from the turnip to get filthy stinking rich yet not attract the attention of people like Owen Dyer or Mike Wallace, yet still win the bid, I can relate to this bit.

Government Contracting Dictionary

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under
perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

Oh, btw, ain't gotten anywhere close to the initial clause of B, yet *still* managed to attract Owen's attention. Sigh.

If you didn't understand that last sentence, you don't read all the comments to all the posts. Shame on you.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Apr 10, 2006

April 08, 2006

Murphy's Law for Cops

Bullet Proof vests aren't.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

Flash suppressors don't really.

If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.

Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.

The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.

by John on Apr 08, 2006

April 07, 2006

I love a good snark.

Well, unless it's aimed at me, of course. Try these on for size:

1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. How about never? Is never good for you?

14. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

15. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

16. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I'm pretty sure that #12 came from BCR, in her Evil Overlord aspect.

#20 is JTG. Speaking of JTG... where is he?

Number 14? Two words. Princess.Crabby.

Number 1? Me, talking down to Ry.


There, I got you started - whattayouthink?

by John on Apr 07, 2006
» BostonMaggie links with: The Castle

April 04, 2006

Heh. Numerological Trivia. Or izzit horological?

I've gotten two different emails on the subject of an upcoming numerical quirk that occurs early tomorrow morning:

01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.

You may now return to your (normal ?) life.

The other note I received says it won't happen again for 1000 years. Smarting from recent snarkage around here, I observed:

I got this from a different source that said it won't happen again for 1000 years... Not to be too picky - but as long as we use the "two digit" shorthand for years, won't it happen every 100 years?

In fact, distilled to it's barest bones, wasn't that what the Y2K computer date frenzy we spent all that time, money, and worry on, was about?

A New York science teacher on my friend's email list chimed in with this:

My personal favorite is going to be 12:34 on May 6, 2007.

Not as neat in terms of notation...

That is all. Yeah, I'm bored and inflicting it on you. Too tired to do useful work, but trying to stay awake to get back in synch.

Update - I was just reminded, unless you are using a 24 hour clock notation... it happens twice on the same day, too...

by John on Apr 04, 2006

April 02, 2006

So *that's* what makes it go...

On the grounds of the Korean War Memorial they have an old B-52 (the version with a manned tail gunner position).

You know, one of these.

B-52 at the Korean War Memorial, Seoul.

Now here I thought it was those eight, water-injected ozone destroyers on the wing that made this thing fly.

But I was set straight by a young Korean girl who was very proud of her English and her erudition. She told me how the B-52 *really* gets into the air.

I was solemnly informed - it was the Nimbus 2000 that made the B-52 fly.


Who am I to argue with incontrovertible proof like that?

by John on Apr 02, 2006

March 31, 2006

Disorder in the Court

For your ponderification: some selected excerpts from Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla.

Verbatim transcripts from court reporters who were professional enough to remain calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Now I know why trial lawyers contribute so heavily to the Party of Entitlements...

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was ! about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Heh. Makes you wonder about the folks who *didn't* pass the Bar Exam, doesn't it?

H/t to Mo

by CW4BillT on Mar 31, 2006

March 29, 2006


From an email:

Interesting Year 1981:

1. Prince Charles got married.

2 . Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died. (Where's the before-you-post-it fact checker?)

Interesting year 2005:

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer champions of Europe.

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope died.

Lesson learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the pope.

As Bill notes - bet the farm on Liverpool.

by John on Mar 29, 2006

March 25, 2006

My Saturday is over...

...yours is just beginning. I'm gonna be lazy and do a few jokes and otherwise take the day off. All y'all have fun!

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!- The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bassids should remember fairies are female.

[joe pesci voice] Okay, okay, okay - I gotta 'nother one [/joe pesci voice]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill.

The next morning the son found $110.00 under
his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was
$10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa.
"The hundred is from Grandma."

I'll be in the house all week, thank you, thank you, thank you!

All right, all right, ya talked me into it.

Click here, take a look at the picture, and gimme a guess as to the cup size.

Made your guess? Good.

Now click here, and see how close you were.

by John on Mar 25, 2006

March 24, 2006


Some of the best Chinese cuisine can be found in Seoul, John. This, however, may require a bit too much of your still-maturing chopstick skills. Bon appetit.

by Denizens on Mar 24, 2006

March 22, 2006

I need a joke before I head to bed.

A Ukrainian woman married an American gentleman and they lived happily ever after in North Carolina.

However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her Husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy Chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken, and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the Chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the Butcher her breasts!

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken Breasts.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(The rest is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry)

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 22, 2006

March 21, 2006

Something Old, Something New

Granted, some of 'em are antedeluvian, but there are enough new entries to make it chucklesome. And maybe there's a young lady in Seoul who'll need further enlightenment on the subject of:

You Might Be A Redneck If...

1. take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. ...your boat hasn’t left the driveway in 15 years.

4. burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. think The Nutcracker is something you do off the high board.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. come back from the dump with more than you brought there.

10. keep a can of bug spray next to the ketchup on the kitchen table.

11. ...your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. ...your grandmother has "ammo" in the top five on her Christmas list.

13. keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14.'ve been involved in a custody fight over a coon hound.

15. go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. know *exactly* how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. have a rag for a gas cap.

18. ...your house doesn't have curtains -- but your truck does.

19. wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. can spit without opening your mouth.

21. consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. ...your life goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. ...your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26.'ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $500,000 worth of improvements.

28.'ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. think fast food means hitting a deer at 65.

Heh. H/t to 29charly.

by CW4BillT on Mar 21, 2006


This is the morning view from the window of my lofty perch.

This is the evening view.

Today was spent recovering from jet lag (heh, it's jet *push* going this way) and reconning the Yongson Garrison, where we'll be meeting and greeting people tomorrow. Making sure we kind of know our way around so if we run into an unscrupulous cab driver (not yet, 5 cab rides so far) we can argue with him, but more importantly, getting a sense for the time it takes to move around the area so we can be where we need to be *when* we need to be.

My traveling companion Pete was disappointed to find out that the suit-maker at the Yongson PX had upped his prices. In fact, Pete's spent enough time over time in Korea he was a little surprised at how much closer many prices were to stateside prices than he remembered.

We went to the Electronics Mart (a block of city space given over to electronics and myriad vendors, large and small) where Pete did score some memory for his laptop.

After doing our leader's recon, we headed back to the hotel to catch up on email, do some prep for tomorrow, and work on those tasks that haven't disappeared just because we're in Korea...

Dinner tonight was at a Korean restaurant in the attached shopping center. The place was part of the Shinsegai department store and called... Hoorwon I believe. We sat at a table with a gas burner in the middle and ordered Beef with mushrooms and noodles stew - which was prepared at the table. I allowed the locals to titter behind their hands at my total lack of chopstick skillz - which worked to get the very pretty waitress to offer lessons. Hah. You think there is no method to the madness... I still suck at it, but I'm not wearing too much of the food, and I got hovered over by a purty young thang. What's not to like?

I also tried Sooju, a local hard liquor. Potent, but deceptive. Didn't like it enough to try it again, however - unless it was just that particular brand.

In this part of Seoul you almost have to take a taxi to get to 'genuine' Korean cuisine.

But you can find this kind of place all around. Which is not surprising - since it's my favorite restaurant in Kansas City (an opinion SWWBO does not share) it was only natural I would find it here - without looking.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

It's *also* a part of the attached shopping mall. Which had these odd fellows guarding the entrance - or perhaps they were there to secure the World's Largest Bronze Simulacrum of a Ball of Twine. It could also be a nekkid baseball... I dunno.

I *did* perform my first true consultative service (albeit gratis) in Korea. While Pete and I were wandering the supermarket in the basement of the shopping center (very much like Harrod's Food Stalls - full of the familiar and exotic) I was stopped by a young Korean woman who enquired if I was an english-speaker. She knew I was a hairy barbarian, but didn't need a german one. She had a question about a play script she was reading for a class - the scene was about parochial school, and has a character talking to another one about his grades. The phrase in biggest question was "Ah, I see by your marks you sat in the back of class." A comment which, based on her experience of assigned seats in class, confused her.

I explained the type of student in American educational institutions who *prefer* to sit in back. A light went on, she brightened up, and then said, "Ah! The rest of this now makes *much* more sense!"

We all went on our merry ways.

by John on Mar 21, 2006

March 18, 2006

Pay yer bills!

Heh. Below the fold in the extended entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 18, 2006

March 17, 2006


Continuing the St Paddy's Day theme... this is where I admit... I don't really *like* Guinness. I gave it a shot, I really did... but, blah. Not to say I don't like a good dark brew - just not Guinness. Sorry Lex.

Update: Hee! Looking up one post, I see that AFSis and I were busy here at the same time!

Okay, we all know Guinness is the best possible score on any "What Kind Of Beer Are You" test, so you can just go on and pat yourself on the back now. Like the world's most famous brew, you're genuine, you've got good taste, and you're sophisticated. What else can I say, except congratulations?

If your friends didn't score the same way, get ready for them to say: Guinness is too heavy; it's an acquired taste; it's too serious--and they probably think those things about you at times. But just brush 'em off. Everybody knows Guinness is the best. Cheers.

(66% dark & bitter, 66% working class, 100% genuine)

Link: The If You Were A Beer Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

H/t to AFSis, who scored... Microbrew! And has... pretty feet, as far as that goes.

by John on Mar 17, 2006

Just in Time for St Paddy's...

...a Beer Troubleshooting Guide. This is *my* present for Kastle Philosophotrix Kat, whose birthday it is...

Page 1.

Page 2.

What are the rest of the Denizens going to offer up?

Save 'em, print 'em out, and take 'em with you. H/t, Rich B - who ain't even Irish...

by John on Mar 17, 2006

And the Moral of the story... something you'll find in Flash Traffic.


John knows why.

Once upon a time on a Kansas farm, there lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One morning while romping in the back forty, the horse tripped, slid into a bog and began to sink. Fearing for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer to save him!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farmhouse. She searched and searched to no avail, for the farmer had taken the tractor off to the Grange. She ran to the rear of the house and spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken fired it up and sped off with a length of rope, hoping she still had time to save her friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised (but exceedingly happy) to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley and he grabbed the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him with his teeth. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best of buddies, best of pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and began to sink -- she cried out to the horse for help! The horse thought a moment, walked over, straddled the large puddle and bent his knees. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift her out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled her up and out, saving her life.

The moral of the story? Yep, you betcha there's a moral!

And you know where to find it...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Mar 17, 2006

March 15, 2006

Tales in BBQ.

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:


More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. [When this happened to the Armorer, much abuse was (and *still* is), heaped on his head. I ask you, what's more important, guiding the Armorer-Father around the Collection, or watching some utterly replaceable meat be sacrificed to the gods? Hmmmmm? The Exterior Guard was happy with it!]

Important again:


8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

H/t, Rich B.

by John on Mar 15, 2006
» The Politburo Diktat links with: Barbecue Season Is Coming!
» Techography links with: The 1 Million Celebration Post

March 14, 2006

Denizen News.

Castle Denizens Punctilious, Rammer, and The Spuds passed through the region on their way to visit relatives in St. Louis. The Mistress of Argghhh! and myself passed a pleasant evening closing down the Village Square restaurant here in the First City of Kansas.

Long time readers with spare brain cells to load data into will recall the Great BedoodleWhoopie Debate, as there was some question as to shape and color of those members of the Castle Beastiary.

That debate can still rage. Punctilious *did* provide an example of a Castle Scrup'l, in colors she absolutely *insists* represents the critters. While the Armorer isn't all that sure about that in toto - there is no doubt that there is at least *one* critter of that color, who occupies a space in the Castle Nerve Center and keeps two eyes on things.

Punctilious' Scrup'l

The readership decline continues... I wonder if posting pictures of pinkish critters contributes?

by John on Mar 14, 2006

March 11, 2006

Where's Bill?

We all know Bill is older than dirt. Thus far, extant photographs of his early days (aside from the Lascaux Cave Paintings and scattered petroglyphs) have been hard to find. Diligent surfing however, shows Bill in some refresher training some time ago...

Bill's Flying Circus

Bill the Pre-Rotorhead has been positively ID'd in this photo of aviation cadets taken in 1941.

If you can't make him out - try this one.

If you're hopelessly unable to pick him out - try this one.

If your screen resolution is that bad, your eyesight really sucks, you're too lazy to clean your glasses... whatever reason, okay, go here.

If you can't find him there - you don't drive, right?

More to follow over time as I run through this shoebox of pics.

by John on Mar 11, 2006

March 08, 2006

Just because...

...we need a joke. A sore arm is the *least* of this guy's worries.

In the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry, to try and defeat the Net Nannies!

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 08, 2006

March 07, 2006

A service of the Castle Argghhh! Tourism Board.

Now that Vancouver, Canada has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, people from all over the world are asking questions about the country. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism website. Obviously the answers are a joke, but the questions are real...

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?( UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto,Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

by John on Mar 07, 2006
» Don Surber links with: The Best Of Tuesday
» Don Surber links with: The Best Of Tuesday
» Quotulatiousness links with: Castle Argghhh helps Vancouver tourism

March 04, 2006

I'm in a test taking mood today.

Whee! I'm not as dumb as I thought (hold that thought, eh?) I passed 8th Grade Math!

You Passed 8th Grade Math
Congratulations, you got 9/10 correct!
Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Mind you... if it had been fill in the blank - I prolly woulda embarrassed myself. Heh. Well, you wouldn't have seen *this* anyway.

H/t, ALa, who didn't so quite as well.

by John on Mar 04, 2006
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies
» Liberty1st Blog links with: Edukashun
» Liberty1st Blog links with: Edukashun


On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray-Ban sunglasses and stared directly at the neighbor.

And then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

by John on Mar 04, 2006

March 03, 2006

Caption this!

C'mon, give it yer best shot!

by John on Mar 03, 2006

March 01, 2006

Ash Wednesday.

We offer up this as a service, because here at Castle Argghhh!, we care. Besides, if *everyone* goes to Heaven, it'll be crowded.

Because we care...

H/t to Jim C, who got it from here - though it's been around for a while.

In the same vein and from the same source, Jim C, we offer up these Lenten sacrifices. None of which we'll be making, as you all are going to Heaven, so we're going to the empty real estate.

Now as for Lenten practices this year I have decided to give up giving up things for Lent. Well actually I have thought of some really good modern practices to give up that could be quite penitential.

Switching from broadband to dial-up
Turning off your popup-blocker
Turning off your spam filter
Not fast-forwarding through commercials on programs you have recorded on a DVR.
Watching CNN
Though I am not spiritually advanced enough for these severe penances.

All y'all knock yourselves out.

by John on Mar 01, 2006

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale.

Since it's like, well, de rigeur that we have to be "fair and balanced" and use fancy foreign words and all... I offer this up as an antidote to the post below this one.


Update: Worth a try, Bill!

Ladies, click here!

by Denizens on Mar 01, 2006

Heh. Sensing a conspiracy...

...someone, who didn't even submit an entry, whined about a female conspiracy regarding the caption contest. And in a deft bit of double-think sent this along as supporting evidence...

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. [Armorer's note - which proves God, at least in *this* universe, isn't a man]

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. [Isn't it like a woman to argue with God? ed] You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see.....where did I put the useless boob?" [Like a man wouldn't know the answer to *that* question. ed]

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

by John on Mar 01, 2006

Caption Contest Winners

And the WINNERS in this week's caption contest are... [drum roll] ... busting out all over:

Boquisucio takes home a bronzed mold of Dolly Parton's torso (or a smack on the hand, whichever comes first) for this entry, which made me laugh out loud:

Now... during the demonstration, let's call it "The Microphone".

You start by grabbing "The Microphone" by the base as such, and then...

wickedpinto snagged Second Place (aka the coveted Ruined Keyboard award) with this entry:

"Reverend Lowry was wrong, the Weapons of Mass Distraction are right here, right there, ooooooooh they are RIGHT FRIGGEN THERE!!!"

And leave it to a woman - Holly Aho - to Speak Truth to Slobber:

"Will you tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes?"

One final item of business:

Penalty Box:

For flagrant and notorious trivet pandering, cw4(ret)billt is herewith ordered to stand the assembled villainry a round of 'ritas and sentenced to a thorough trouncing flouncing by however many of the Denizennes care to take on the onerous task :D

Congratulations to the winners! I was surprised at how many finalists there were - it was tough to pick just three winners. Thanks to John for letting me judge.

by Cassandra on Mar 01, 2006

February 27, 2006

Caption Contest!

[This was started on Saturday, but since there is a prize this time, and a fair number of you guys only visit during the week, I thought I'd move this up to make sure you guys noticed it and had a chance at it. ed.]

Via the Admiral of the Moat Fleet, Boquisucio, comes this picture of a Canadian Soldier being interviewed by a Press Fembot.

Tanker Scoping his target

Caption contest! Go for it. What the heck, this time there's a prize! (a cheap, tawdry trinket that is mostly shameless self-promotion of the Castle!)

This contest will be judged by Cassandra - so give it yer best shot. We'll cut it off at Noon 5PM Central Monday, and turn her loose.

Her word will be final, too. And, if you want to actually *get* the prize, such as it is, you'll need to leave legitimate contact data, like an email address. Read the comment page instructions for how to do that without having it appear in the comment for harvesting by the spambots.

And don't forget - The Right Place has a contest going on, too!

by John on Feb 27, 2006
» Alphecca links with: Heh!

February 25, 2006

A public Service.

From SugarButtons!


by John on Feb 25, 2006

February 22, 2006

Slow news day again...

I have weird friends in Real Life and they sometimes prove it. Now, I can't vouch for the authenticity of the adventure, but I *can* vouch for the fact that it will just confirm how the Ladies view us...

Dear Bill,

Last weekend I saw something at Harry's Army / Navy Store that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket / purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety … WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference--pretty cute, really--loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries and thinking to myself, "No. Possible. Way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it!" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-…that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles--I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
[Name deleted to protect the unwitting]


*grin* H/t to the Once-and-Future First.

Sorta ranks right up there with the lads who peer into the business end of their laser pointers to see if they're *on*...

by CW4BillT on Feb 22, 2006

February 19, 2006

Feh. Tagged.

SWWBO nailed me. And not in a *good* sense.

1: Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?

I don't choose the movies I'm interested in based on this criteria. A better question is: Letter Box or Full-screen?

2: What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

What SWWBO said. Sports. I played football through college. I was a damn good wrestler. I don't give a fig anymore. I think it's because we're so saturated with whiny pro's who bitch about not making enough money, and the last great bastion of amateur sports... isn't. I used to love the Winter Olympics. I haven't watched a minute of this time around.

3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?


4: You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

SWWBO can read my mind. I can't win this one. Give her the money, her mind's a mystery to me...

5: Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?


6: How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

Fight the terrorists where they are, and give Europe some more spine.

7: You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?

I'd stop atmospheric testing of nukes before we did. Hah! Weren't expecting that one, were you?

8: You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?

That kind of meddling is dangerous. I'll live with what we've got, except for the answer to #7.

9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry --Which do you choose?

I'm with SWWBO. Where's the movie theater or live play?

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?

Um, gee, I don't care.

11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?

Winston Churchill, and whatever SWWBO fixes.

12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

What is there to celebrate? An eternity of nothingness? I'd go do something useful, since it would appear this is the only chance I get.

Tag someone? Heh. Someone has to be strong. This meme dies here.

by John on Feb 19, 2006

Caption Contest!

Go for it.

Bills Fan Club President?

I'll start you off - "The President of Bill's Fan Club shows off her new 'do, complete with spinning blades and blinkenlights!"

H/t to 1SG Keith for the pic.

by John on Feb 19, 2006
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

February 17, 2006

Important Advice.

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

Just to reiterate, right click here and save as (2 meg file).

*Note to self: When flying in trees, wear jeans.*

by John on Feb 17, 2006

February 15, 2006

Valentine Repercussions

KtLW has left me and I'm at a loss to explain why...

Taxes are up again this quarter and she told me we had to cut back on expenses--I had to give up drinking beer. Now, contrary to the *persona* I normally use here, I'm not a big drinker. At most, I'll do four or five beers on a Saturday afternoon.

So I gave up beer.

But I noticed the other day when she came home from an expedition to the mall with her girlfriends, one of the receipts included $85 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute--I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She replied, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I said, "Well, geez--that's what the *beer* was for!"

I don't think she'll be back...

Heh. Tip of the flight helmet with the ding from the AK round to OB.

by CW4BillT on Feb 15, 2006

February 14, 2006

Candy Hearts...

...are short and sweet. Like the entries below.

Uhhhh--well, they're *short,* anyway...

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true! No bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank.
Proving once again, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

And finally--

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


H/t to LL (no, neither of the bloggers).

by CW4BillT on Feb 14, 2006

February 13, 2006

Cheney @ The Range.

Obviously, someone was out of position when the Veep went hunting yesterday. Whether it was the Veep or the Victim, the Veep has ultimate responsibility as the trigger puller, unless the victim was behind some bushes taking a leak or something. I'll leave that for others to settle.

It certainly didn't take long for the jokes to appear, once it was clear Mr. Whittington would survive.

Owen Dyer, in an email to me, observed it was a good thing that Cheney was a Republican, and therefore hunting with fatcat corporate lawyers. If he'd been a Democrat, those would have been personal injury lawyers...

IMAO has a contest going.

Go forth, Denizens, find the good, the bad, the ugly jokes. Find the Moonbat Howls at the Moon from the anti-gun, anti-Cheney, anti-anything-not-me crowd.

If you have posting privileges, slap 'em in here. If you don't, put 'em in the comments. Lets be a Cheney@TheRange clearinghouse!

For the record - after the investigation is over, based on whatever evidence is gathered and what the laws of Texas provide for - Cheney should suffer whatever consequences fall out from that. No more, no less. And no, a hunting accident is no more justification for confiscating weapons from law abiding citizens than car accidents are justification for banning car ownership.

Speaking of investigations, The Keystone Cops go Hunting.


Vice President Cheney has not yet made a public statement about the incident in which he accidentally shot a fellow hunter in Texas Saturday, but his office has just released a statement about the issue of whether he had the proper license to be hunting quail:

It has been brought to the Vice President’s attention by the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department this afternoon that, although he had acquired a 125 dollar Texas non-resident season hunting license, he lacked a 7 dollar stamp for hunting upland game birds. To address any questions about the licensing:
-- A member of the Vice President’s staff wrote a check for 140 dollars understanding that this would purchase a Texas non-resident season hunting license that would permit the Vice President to hunt quail in Texas. It appears now that the license itself cost 125 dollars, and an extra 15 dollars covered the cost of a Federal migratory bird stamp. The Vice President did not need the Federal stamp, as he already possessed one.

-- The staff asked for all permits needed, but was not informed of the 7 dollar upland game bird stamp requirement.

-- Because the requirement is new, the Department has informed us that it is issuing warnings, and the Vice President expects to receive one. He will take whatever steps are needed to comply with applicable rules.

-- In the meantime, the Vice President has sent a 7 dollar check to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which is the cost of an upland game bird stamp.

Sigh. Amateurs. In my case, that would be a literal truth when it comes to hunting in Texas. In the Veep's case, he's been let down by his staff, *and* Ms. Armstrong, on whose ranch the hunt was conducted (if it's done as a business, anyway). No, I *don't* expect the Veep to take the time to personally check on all these details - that's what the staff is for. But he *should* take the time to clear his target area.

by Denizens on Feb 13, 2006
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Around my blogroll

February 10, 2006

Lo-Tech Solutions

Kat went all Hi-Tech in the Battle of the Sexes the other day *continuing in a louder voice* and a doggone fine job she did, too! Uhhh--and *hairy eyeball* somebody else had entirely too much fun with the idea.

However, since the hypersonic, broken-chromosome-seeking WomanScorned Missile is a pricey piece of hardware, some frugal traditionalists will continue to tout the benefits of the *personal* touch...


A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! No! Absolutely not--NO, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a *prescription*..."


Tip of the battered flight helmet to Bear--our crewchiefs and gunners didn't have callsigns, but they *did* have "handles"...

by CW4BillT on Feb 10, 2006


No, not really home yet, I'm getting ready to pack and head out the door for this morning's confabulating, but I couldn't let this calumny go undefended!

This *is* the Home of the Armorer. This *is* Castle Argghhh! And this, ladies and gents (and undecideds) is the Smorgasbord of Argghhh! What's not to like about this decorating schema? (Plus, it's another reason to Vote For Us!)

SWWBO has her own version of the what this is, a sofa-table-thingy or some such term of art. And she's kinda whining about the use I put it to prolly less than 24 hours after I schlepped it into the house.

But hey, she wanted to go shooting, and I was just laying out her options for what we had ammo on-hand for that she might find interesting.

I repeat - that stuff is there for *her* benefit. That fact that we were going shooting last weekend and the pistols are still there on the table is *not* relevant. Sheesh. The kitties like to play with 'em, too, y'know.

Oh - and KCSteve - The Interior Guard *is* present - there are two of them On Duty (or snuggling) just above the Polish VIS pistol. (To understand that, you'll have to visit SWWBO's place and read the comments.) So it's not like these things are just laying around unattended or something.

And for those of you muttering to yourselves, "He *is* going to id those things, right?" Here ya go.

Left to right: The Armorer's nickel-plated Remington-Rand vet-bringback M1911A1 (I could afford this one - collectors don't like plated guns, but hey - it has *history* which fits 'round here) - Polish TT-33, Austrian Steyr M1911, Polish Radom Vis, and, snuggled in it's holster-stock, an Inglis Chinese Contract Browning Hi-Power.

by John on Feb 10, 2006

February 09, 2006

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Her nameplate identifies her as Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that Kermit will need to secure the loan with some form of collateral.

Kermit says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, only an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and blurts out, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use *this* as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world *is* this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan--his old man's a Rolling Stone."

(Heh. You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, you are...)


V29 is evidently enjoying his second childhood...

by CW4BillT on Feb 09, 2006
» Resurgemus dot com links with: Some additions

February 05, 2006

So, like, there's some kind of sporting event today, right?

Some bowl game or something? SWWBO and I will be out shooting, so I dunno. But these Marines seem to have an interest in the outcome.

PhotoID: 20062161123 Submitted by: 2nd Marine Logistics Group<br />
Operation/Exercise/Event: OIF 3<br />
CAMP TAQADDUM, Iraq (Jan. 31, 2006) – Lance Cpl. Benjamin R. Sigloh stands with his motivational Super Bowl poster Jan. 31. In Iraq, fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Seattle Seahawks hope their schedules will allow an opportunity to watch the game and support their team. They may not be home with their immediate family to watch the game, but from thousands of miles away a few die hard fans hope for the victory of their gridiron favorite. Sigloh is a field radio operator with Combat Logistics Regiment 25, 2nd Marine Logistics Group (Forward).  Photo by: Lance Cpl. Wayne Edmiston

PhotoID: 2006216728 Submitted by: 2nd Marine Logistics Group<br />
Operation/Exercise/Event: OIF 3<br />
CAMP TAQADDUM, Iraq (Feb. 1, 2006) – A Johnstown, Pa. native stands with a “good luck cookie” that was sent from home here Feb. 1. In Iraq, fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Seattle Seahawks hope their schedules will allow an opportunity to watch the game and support their team. They may not be home with their immediate family to watch the game, but from thousands of miles away a few die hard fans hope for the victory of their gridiron favorite.

Oh, yeah, I remember! The "Superbowl" or something like that. Heh. I thought that was one of those fancy Japanese toilets.

Yeah. I'll check in on halftime. Mebbe we'll get a boob this year... Well, that's pretty much a given, depending on how you define it!

by John on Feb 05, 2006

February 04, 2006


Back when I was a stoont, one of my electives was Creative Writing.

One day, we were given an assignment--write a short story using as few words as possible. The only other stipulation the prof made was that it had to address three elements: religion, sexuality and mystery.

The only A+ in the class was

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

by CW4BillT on Feb 04, 2006
» Don Surber links with: Carnival of the Celebrities
» Soldiers' Angels Germany links with: Photo of the Day - Go Steelers!!
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

February 03, 2006

And another taggee checks in

So far, Christine's tags are at a 75% return rate--the Lady knows her taggees.

The newest addition is GunJam of JammedGun. Sanger and Jtg will feel right at home when they drop in. And, uh, GJ, hope you didn't mind the Aggie jokes--we were just funnin'...honest...


And since John is evidently logging Z-time tonight (unlike some others I could mention), today's H&Is are still being plotted in the FDC. Soooo, as long as GunJam doesn't mind a little Gun Pr0n with his link, I figure this is a good spot for this bit of chicanery. Work safe in one way and *not* work safe in another--even if it's you who's the gunner on some of these beasties.

Geez, doesn't anybody *work* at work anymore?

Tsk--where did my manners go? H/t to MSG Keith for the podpal annoyers.

by CW4BillT on Feb 03, 2006

February 02, 2006

In light of what Bill just posted...

I think I have to offer up this. Go read Bill's bit (that's two posts down from here).

Back? Okay.

Right click and save as - then play it.

Ry - definately *not* work safe in your area. The rest of ya, Check Six.

by John on Feb 02, 2006

Somebody duct tape PG-17's head, quick

Although something posted in Flash traffic might not set 'im off...

Set *me* off, though. I'm still wiping coffee off the monitor. Thanks a lot, Christine...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Feb 02, 2006

January 31, 2006

I *like* Flash traffic... allows the young 'uns to browse on the surface and the adults to enjoy an adult chuckle. Saves space, too.

*grinnn* You figure out which category this one belongs in...

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill flops out of it onto the pavement. A policeman notices it and stops her...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Jan 31, 2006

A commentary on the times...

We interrupt this blog for a mildly naughty story. See the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

But first, this short subject:

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

And now, our Feature Presentation.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jan 31, 2006

January 30, 2006

Pickin' on Texas Again

Two Texans were driving through New Hampshire. As they were approaching Lake Winnipesaukee, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the lake's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one said to the young lady behind the counter, "Before we order, could y'all please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kinnnng."

by CW4BillT on Jan 30, 2006

January 28, 2006

Alright, Denizennes, Listen Up!

Yer outta control!

First - the Castle Staff use the Jungle Room as a Daycare center during the workdays. The kiddles just love the theme. But, ladies, after a long night of debauched behavior in there, clean up after yerselves, for pity's sake!

Next - A Caption Contest!

A loyal reader in College Station, Texas, sent me this picture after reading Bill's post on the subject.

It's soooooooo horrible, so vile, so demeaning to womyn (and Ry, VERYNOTWORKSAFE!) that I had to put it *Behind The Curtain* in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

Hey, it's Saturday, our slowest day, we won't lose too many readers, since I don't thing[k] that many womyn spend time here anyway. So - apparently, some Denizennes went to College Station, and this is what happened.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jan 28, 2006

January 27, 2006

War clouds gather to the North.

My plans for Canada proceed apace (see discussion here). Canada is setting the pretext for war with the US over our submarines transiting the North Pole, which will give us the excuse to strike North and seize all the good spots, and prevent them from, wait - they can *have* Detroit. CAPT H had a pretty good plan for that.

Of course - the analysts have it wrong...

Testing the notion that he would kowtow to the Bush administration, Harper, whose Conservative Party won general elections on Monday, said Thursday he would stand by a campaign pledge to increase Canada’s military presence in the Arctic and put three military icebreakers in the frigid waters of the Northwest Passage.

This is obviously double-plus good! Mr. Harper is setting the stage for a "Mouse that Roared" scenario - all part of Dubya's Plan for World Hegemony®!

Hee! Let's see if any of our Canuckistanian readers rise to the bait.

by John on Jan 27, 2006

Best Little Beerhouse in Texas

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four beers, he'll buy the fifth."

The Longhorn said, "Well, at my favorite bar in Austin, the owner will buy your third drink after you've bought two."

"We-e-e-ell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station, there's this bar where, from the very moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then, when you've decided that you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and treat you to some o' what the Good Book calls 'pleasures of the flesh.' And it's all on the house."

The Longhorn and the Red Raider looked at each other, then at the Aggie.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Longhorn.

"We-e-e-ell, no, not me-myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But my sister, now..."


H/t to V29, who keeps promising himself to visit College Station...

by CW4BillT on Jan 27, 2006

January 21, 2006

In light of the "What Children See" post below this one...

...this seems an appropriate time to run with this, thoughtfully provided by Randy K. some days ago...

So - what do *you* see? BTW - Cricket, Punctilious... you could actually *test* this one for us, eh?

Take a look at the picture. So, what do you see? Probably more than your caveman brain chooses to.


Of course, I hid the explanation in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry. I'm that kinda guy.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jan 21, 2006

The Way Children See Things!


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear

There's more under the fold.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jan 21, 2006

January 20, 2006

Reading Other People's Mail

People send me the most interesting things--like this reply from Lex to a kid who wrote him requesting his advice on a choice of service academies:


22 December, 2005

Young Man,

Congratulations on your selection to both the Naval and Air Force Academies. Your goal of becoming a fighter pilot is impressive and a fine way to serve your country. As you requested, I'd be happy to share some insight into which service would be the best choice. Each service has a distinctly different culture. You need to ask yourself "Which one am I more likely to thrive in?"

USAF Snapshot: The USAF is exceptionally well organized and well run. Their training programs are terrific. All Air Force pilots are groomed to meet high standards for knowledge and professionalism. Their aircraft are top-notch and extremely well maintained. Their facilities are excellent. Their enlisted personnel are the brightest and the best trained. The USAF is homogeneous and macro. No matter where you go, you'll know what to expect, what is expected of you, and you'll be given the training & tools you need to meet those expectations. You will never be put in a situation over your head. Over a 20-year career, you will be home for most important family events. Your Mom would want you to be an Air Force would your wife. Your Dad would want your sister to marry one.

Navy Snapshot: Aviators are part of the Navy, but so are Black Shoes (surface warfare) and Bubbleheads (submariners). Furthermore, the Navy is split into two distinctly different Fleets (West and East Coast). The Navy is heterogeneous and micro. Your squadron is your home; it may be great, average, or awful. A squadron can go from one extreme to the other before you know it. You will spend months preparing for cruise and months on cruise. The quality of the aircraft varies directly with the availability of parts. Senior Navy enlisted are all salt of the earth; you'll be proud if you earn their respect. Junior enlisted vary from terrific to the troubled kid the judge made join the service. You will be given the opportunity to lead these people during your career; you will be humbled and get your hands dirty. The quality of your training will vary and sometimes you will be over your head. You will miss many important family events. There will be long stretches of tedious duty aboard ship. You will fly in very bad weather and/or at night and you will be scared many times. You will fly with legends in the Navy and they will kick your a$$ until you become a lethal force. And some days - when the scheduling Gods have smiled upon you - your jet will catapult into a glorious morning over a far-away sea and you will be drop-jawed that someone would pay you to do it. The hottest girl in the bar wants to meet the Naval Aviator. That bar is in Singapore.

Bottom line, son--if you gotta ask, pack warm and good luck in Colorado.



P.S.: Air Force pilots wear scarves and iron their flight suits.

P.P.S.: And, while you didn't ask about the Army helicopter pilot program, don't even think about it unless you got a pair bigger than basketballs. Those guys are completely crazy.


H/t to V29, who got a horrendous paper cut while salvaging this...

by CW4BillT on Jan 20, 2006

January 18, 2006

Caption Contest!

A friend of mine found this in his backyard recently. I leave it to your imagination to caption this. I've got one in mind, but I want to see if anyone gets to the same place I'm at.

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Go for it.

by John on Jan 18, 2006

January 11, 2006

New Rules for 2006.

No, all the Castle Rulez still apply. Backpats for everyone for a relatively robust exchange with our visiting British journalist in the This Just In post.

Moving on, however, are some suggested new rules for interactive behavior outside the Castle. I damaged the keyboard with White People's Looting. So - with tongue firmly in cheek...

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bassids.

The rest is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jan 11, 2006

January 04, 2006

There Are Rules...

Although this place may appear to be an anarchist's toolshed at times, it's actually a fairly structured environment. As with pretty much anything involving human beings, there are rules--some written, some unwritten, but rules nonetheless.

The trick lies in discovering the unwritten rules without inadvertently running afoul of them. So, continuing with the Castle's series of Public Service Educational Events, I've decided to level the playing field for one particular sport in which all the rules have been unwritten--until now.

The Rules for Indoor Golf.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

Continued in Flash Traffic. Hey, there are rules, ya know...?

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Jan 04, 2006


First - Cosmo needs to get well soon. Those who know, know.

We've gone from this - Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrel 'Bots... to this:

Get Well Soon, Cosmo!

Second - the Real Reason for the deer population explosion. I blame SchumerBradyStein.

by John on Jan 04, 2006

January 03, 2006

Clueless in Eden

It seems appropriate, in light of the recent flurry of feminine snarkiness comments some of the Denizennes have made, to dedicate this cautionary tale to AFSis, Kat-missouri, FbL and Bostonmaggie...

And God created Man, and He called the Man *Adam*...

And God said unto Adam, "Adam, I have a task for thee."

And Adam replied, "Sure thing. What do You want me to do?"

And God said, "Goeth thou down into that valley..."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him...

Then God said, "...then crosseth thee the river..."

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

And God explained it to him...

Then God said, "...then goeth thou over to the hill..."

And Adam said, "What's a hill?"

And God explained it to him...

Then God said, "...and on the other side of the hill wilt thou find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained it to him...

Then God said, "In the cave, thou wilt find a Woman."

And Adam said, "What's a Woman?"

And God explained it to him...

Then God said, "I want thee to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

And God said (under his breath), "Aw, geez..."

And God explained it to him...

And Adam betook himself down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave and found the Woman.

And in about five minutes, he was back.

Then God, his patience wearing thin, sighed mightily and said, "*NOW* what?!?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

--H/t to V29

UPDATE: This just in from a feminist sympathizer. In order to view it, you must either be of legal age and have a sense of humor unimpaired by any preconceived notions that the female of the species is genetically disposed toward nurturing or you can just click on Flash traffic.
Some assembly required, batteries not included.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Jan 03, 2006

January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

In keeping with the Castle's policy of posting periodic Public Service Announcements, this will be the first (or the last, depending on how many rocks get thrown my way) in a series of

New Year's Resolutions for Those of You Too Hung Over to Think.

1. For the Kittens: "I resolve to...

a. Stop horking hairballs into the 'ritamatic's intake manifold;

b. Cease leaving comatose partners lying around the Jungle Room where they could become a tripping hazard; and

c. Refrain from using the trebuchet as a scratching post."

2. For the Aviating Denizens: "I resolve to...

a. Shower between taking a fuel sample and showing up at a Comment Party;

b. Insure no Ladies are within range when simulating the *pthbtbtbtbtbtbt* sound of a reciprocating engine at full throttle; and

c. Refrain from using members of the Interior Guard as demonstrators when describing the procedures for shooting a partial-panel ILS."

Succeeding posts will cover such topics as "Fishing hairballs from the 'ritamatic," "Probing for tripping hazards in a lightless room" and "Why aviation fuels are not considered a suitable substitute for after-shave lotion."

This has been a Public Serv

[*thwack!*] Ow!

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that 2b could impact 1b under certain circumstances and 1b would then be dependent on just *who* recovered first. Additional topics for future Public Service posts will include "Do's and don't's: Proper use of night viewing devices in the Jungle Room" and "Plastic tarps: they're not just for painting anymore."

*ducking incoming gravel truck*

by CW4BillT on Jan 01, 2006

December 29, 2005

As long as we're picking on Aggies...

An alumnus of Texas A&M is drinking in a New York bar and gets a call on his cell phone.

He talks quietly (okay, *that* part's unbelievable) for a few minutes, then rings off. Grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, and announces his wife has just given birth to a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty-five pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at twenty-five pounds, but the Texan just shrugs and says, "That's only about average down home, folks. Like Ah said, my boy’s a typical Texas baby boy."

Congratulations shower from all around with many exclamations of


One woman actually faints from the sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed in at twenty-five pounds. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much *does* he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is bemused and more than a little suspicious. "Wait-a-minute--what happened? He already weighed twenty-five pounds the day he was born!"

The Texan takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had’m circumcised!"

by CW4BillT on Dec 29, 2005

December 27, 2005


We're having a lot of traffic at the Castle today, for not having any posts people are linking to in any great numbers (interesting trend, though for the Castle in general, not just today - links are down, traffic is up).

Anyway - Googlers seem particularly interested in the archives from the last week of 2004, i.e., 1 year ago.

Gee, I wonder why?

by John on Dec 27, 2005

Volcanoes... we hateses them we does!

70 years ago was born the kernel of the idea of the Blogfather, Jonah. The first semi-attempt at Airborne Volcano Lancing occurred on this day in 1935 as US Army B-10s bombed a lava flow in Hawaii in an attempt to stop or divert it. They weren't terribly successful...

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And today - an announcement from the Joint Operations National Annihilation Headquarters, the Air Force, and Boeing...

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by John on Dec 27, 2005

December 22, 2005

And in keeping with what may (or may not) be considered tradition

Please accept (with no obligation, implied or implicit), our best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the Winter Solstice Holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of either the religious persuasion or the secular practice of your choice (with all due respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling, and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (which is not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is indeed the only "America" in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

[By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.]

Heh. Now that *that's* out of the way...

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi! My name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde chirps, "Hi! My name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. Breathlessly, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi! My name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and, after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi! My name is Jack and it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the salt truck!!"

by CW4BillT on Dec 22, 2005

Politically Correct Twelve Days of Christmas Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival.

Check behind the curtain. Don't want to attract any Kossacks... or the ACLU trying to make the case that since I receive a government pension and do contract work for the government, and therefore, as my income exceeds SWWBO's non-governmental derived income, that in fact, this site is more than %50 subsidized by public monies; therefore mentioning Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festivals with a religious derivation, thus ambushing Enligtened Rationalist Beings who might stumble in here accidentally, thereby violates the Establishment Claus. [sic]

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Dec 22, 2005
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Christmas cheer

December 20, 2005

This Just In

From one of my reactionary buddies who insists on calling Holiday carols *Christmas* carols...

I was passing through a small Southern town and saw a Nativity Scene in the town square. I was delighted to see that great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

I was completely at a loss to explain it, so I left. But I found a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, so I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded, "You damnYankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but it had been a while since I'd perused the Gospels and simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in Matthew, Mark, Luke or John.

She sniffed and jerked her Bible from behind the counter, ruffled through the pages and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

She stuck the passage under my nose and said, "See? Plain as day, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.' "

Thanks, Mo--I needed that!

by CW4BillT on Dec 20, 2005

December 19, 2005

Tis the Season...

To indulge Boquisucio, Admiral of the Moat Fleet. Click the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Dec 19, 2005

December 17, 2005

Life at Argghhh! In Winter...

1st - The Lawn Tractor of Argghhh! in the assault.

Before. After.

I am my next-door neighbor's son's best friend. At least for the moment. I did both their walks, too. It took about 10 minutes to do the block and the driveway.


Then, because Cosmo is recovering from his Squirrel Fighting injuries and the Armorer has been remiss and not put out the Required Tribute... the Castle was assaulted today. By the Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrels acting under the orders of their masters, The Songbirds of Argghhh!

The Interior Guard was all over the attempted break-in. The photo is from the BCR Labs, LTD security system here at the Castle. It highlights unauthorized intruders so they can be tracked when the crowds of pitchfork-wielding moonbats show up. Or out-of-control Denizens who need tracking (Neffi, JTG are *always* tracked).

But look at the horror that Cosmo's injury has unleashed!

To see the horror - go to the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry... if you dare.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Dec 17, 2005

Let's start a meme!

It's Saturday, traffic is low... I can be lazy.

1. Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
2. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation;
4. if they are counting the bricks put them in the accounts department.

If you're still interested, hit the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Dec 17, 2005

Come Saturday Morning...

In a recent conversation with one of the Ladies of the Castle, I was informed of her newfound passion for bicycling.

I don’t remember a blasted thing about the rest of the talk, because I had an immediate flashback to my college days…

I was sorta-kinda dating a damsel named Judy, who attended an all-female school a few miles away. The campus was fairly expansive and her schedule arrangement required some fancy scrambling from building to building.

This is bullshDarn,” she thought. “I sure could use some transportation.”

Judy wrote to her dear ol’ Dad, explained the situation and casually mentioned that she needed a few hundred dollars to buy a junker modestly-priced compact car.

BullshAlas, honeybunch,” Dad wrote back, “your tuition is almost more than we can afford. But I’ve enclosed fifty dollars--go ahead and buy a decent bicycle. Besides, it'll save you the trouble of looking for a parking spot each time you go to a new class.”

Judy was less than thrilled with the idea, but she figured it was an improvement over her daily walk-a-thon. So, she took the fifty dollars and started downtown to the bicycle shop.

As fate would have it, there was a pet store right next to the bicycle shop.

And in the pet store window, gazing at the world with imploring eyes, was a cute little capuchin monkey, sitting next to a sign that read, “Sale! This cute little capuchin monkey and a year’s supply of monkey chow--only fifty dollars!”

Judy fell in love. “That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” she thought.“ And only fifty dollars…hmmmmm…walking’s actually pretty good exercise…and finding a place to park the bike between classes will be a pain…and…and...”

And she went into the pet store and bought the monkey.

She was enthralled. The cute little capuchin monkey had impeccable table manners, it was playful and cuddly and adorable.

And it had a mild case of mange.

And inside of a week, it had a *bad* case of mange.

Judy was frantic. Fortunately, she was of a generation that still believed Father Knows Best.

She phoned her dear ol’ Dad.

“Daddy,” she sobbed. “All the hair is falling off my monkey--what’ll I *do*?”

Dad answered, “Sell the bicycle.”

UPDATE: I have *no* idea what attracted Don Surber to this, but follow his link, read the story and leave him a nice note. I've worked with the organization he's mentioned and they're great folks. Hey--Sarge B! You probably have, too...
by CW4BillT on Dec 17, 2005
» Don Surber links with: Podcast: The Littlest Marine
» Don Surber links with: Podcast: The Littlest Marine
» The Business of America is Business links with: My First BlogAd

December 16, 2005

International Rulez of manhood.

Just sayin'. In the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry. Mostly work-safe. Except for Ry, of course, because of Ms. Thang.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Dec 16, 2005

December 15, 2005

It's All Relative

It's presently fifteen degrees (Fahrenheit; minus ten Celsius for the metricians) outside, which is a bit nippy for Jersey this early in the season.

Of course, Neffi's probably thinking, "Whiner." Geez--read on, MacDuff...

But while everybody around here's huddled around a nice hot cuppa and complaining about the sudden absence of global warming, I got to thinking--after we'd been in Bosnia a couple of months, we didn't even bother putting our jackets on until the ambient ambiance dipped below minus twenty or so.

It just depends on what you're used to--f'r instance:

( F / C )
+50 / +10
· New York tenants try to turn on the heat
· People from New Jersey plant gardens
+40 / +4
· Californians shiver uncontrollably
· Alaskans sunbathe
+35 / +2
· Italian cars don't start
+32 / 0
· Distilled water freezes
· DoD deploys 10th ID from Fort Drum, NY, to Guantanamo Bay
+30 / -1
· You can see your breath
· You plan a vacation to anywhere in Florida
· Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
· Alaskans eat ice cream
+25 / -4
· Lake Erie water freezes
· Californians weep pitiably
· Dog insists on sleeping on your bed
+20 / -7
· New York water freezes
· San Franciscans start thinking favorably of L.A.
· Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

More in Flash traffic.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Dec 15, 2005

December 14, 2005

Meanwhile, back in the "In" Box...

Every so often, I get an e-gram from one of my buds on the distaff side, usually one of the (several) female helicopter pilots I've known.

*Not* in the Biblical sense, thank you. I don't need to hook up with a female who's just as crazy as I am...

Hi, Bill!

We’ve finally moved into the 20th Century -- the local go-go joint finally held a “Ladies Only” night. So, naturally, Jamie, Peggy, Joan and I decided to go downtown to see what -- if anything -- we’d been missing by opting out of the three-hour drive to the various dens of iniquity in NYC all these years.

Peggy insisted we carpool. She said if anybody was gonna get lucky, she was at least gonna get a phone number out of it. By the way, I filched the matchbook she had *yours* written on out of her purse a few months back -- you owe me.

Anyway, we walked in the door and forked over our five bucks for the cover charge. The management could have changed bouncers for the night, at least -- Tim's a nice guy and all, but he's caught one too many barstools with his smile, if you catch my drift. And never-you-mind how I know who the regular bouncer is. A lady has to have *some* secrets.

So, we found four of the only remaining unoccupied barstools and sat down to watch the show.

Up onto the stage leaped the dancer, clad in a smile and not much else -- if his costume cost eight bucks, he paid a dollar a square inch for it.

Whoa. Instant hot flashes, and I’m not talking menopause, hon.

Jamie grinned, said, “Watch this!” and proceeded to casually waft a $10 bill next to her ear.

The dancer boogied over to us and she licked the ten-spot and stuck it to his butt cheek.

Peggy got into the action and pulled out a $20. She slowly waved it in front of her lips and when the guy danced over to her, she licked it and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

Joanie must’ve been in love. She pulled out a fifty and stuck it on her tongue.

Right about then, I started to get edgy about the way things were progressing, but when the guy danced over to her, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the monetary progression in our little foursome, the guy danced around a bit, then did a Mick Jagger sashay over to *me*.

Now everybody in the bar was focused on me, the guy was egging me on to top the fifty and my three friends were grinning knowingly -- I have a reputation (in the Harley store, anyway) for getting what I pay for.

My brain was churning as I reached into my purse.

The woman in me took over!

Uh-oh--I'd better put the rest of this in Flash Traffic...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Dec 14, 2005

December 06, 2005


*squeezing between posts to keep John's bleg up top*

This contractor gig is pretty interesting--I'm on an Army project headed up by a gummint manager who decided it was 'way too complex for him better handled by civilians, so it's contracted to a primary, who decided that it's got the potential to cream them gonna be of sufficient duration to justify hiring a subcontractor, who also saw the writing on the wall figured that a bunch of retired Army guys would find their way around with absolutely no a minimum of training.

Heh. My team consists of a retired division CSM, a West Pointer Gulf War vet (who thoughtfully *doesn't* attempt to amputate your nose with his ring), two crusty old Chief Warrants and the former Log NCO for an independent brigade.

And the nice thing is, there's a secretary who keeps us all from getting into more trouble than you'd believe too far off the mark by providing us with office intel--such as where she keeps the coffee filters--and a gummint Project Manager who's up-front about working conditions.


*squeezing back between posts to resume normal cubicality between transcontinental jaunts*

by CW4BillT on Dec 06, 2005

Merry Christmas...

SWBBO and my sister could appreciate this one:

Subject: Psychiatrist's Christmas

Schizoprenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck The Hall and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.........

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obessive Complusive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

H/t, Rich B.

by John on Dec 06, 2005

December 04, 2005


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by John on Dec 04, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

December 03, 2005

I'm lazy - Caption Contest, again...

But, it's Christmas time, so we'll lead with this, anyway:

Stop the ACLU has some Christmas suggestions for you...

Okay - here's the pic, go for it!

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The Right Place blog is having their weekly caption contest here. (The pic *is* a hoot...)

by John on Dec 03, 2005

December 01, 2005

Busy busy busy - so here's a caption contest...

Boquisucio provided this some weeks ago - I've been saving it for just such a time as this.

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Have at it - it *screams* for a caption!

BTW - if you've sent me email that you expected a response for, I discovered this morning that the spam filter has been a little too zealous. For some reason, Ry, it didn't like you - and since I tend to just flush that without looking, I have probably lost other emails as well.

Just sayin'. I'm not rude on purpose, just by accident and laziness!

by John on Dec 01, 2005

November 30, 2005

Some levity.

A living will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

H/t, Randy K.


What a shock. A bear.

The spirit of the bear follows you. You are a very
down-to-earth person, lots of people find you
easy to get along with. You care a lot about
your family and freinds and you are a curious
person and like meeting new people. But there
is something that lies beneth(sp?) all of that
kind ness, an agressive person that will kill
if you have to. Yes, you love people, but if
the mess with you too much then out comes the
beast within. People that have experienced this
side of you keep their distance.

What animal spirit follows you?[gender friendly,8 different results,((PICS)) READ MEMO!!]
brought to you by Quizilla

Snerk - so's Bill...

And, um, don't mind the typos, the quizmaster means well...

H/t, AFSis.

by John on Nov 30, 2005

November 26, 2005

Caption Contest!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

H/t to The Admiral of the Moat Fleet for the pic.

I'll get you started:

"Of course it's photoshopped! An *aviator* pushing? Puh-leeze, if it was legit, at best he'd be behind the wheel, most likely at the club waiting for the rest of them to get there..."

If this pic is too lame - try this contest, at In the Right Place!

Boquisucio also finds another use for tampons (link removed, see below) besides staunching blood (not work safe on the periphery, Boq searches in out-of-the-way corners).

Update: Mr. Spencer, in his comment, provides the original source for the tampon use, which you can see here (and it *is* work-safe! Well, except for Ry) and it won't be hotlinked from that russian site, the the guys who created it, The Box O' Truth, will get full credit and benefit.

by John on Nov 26, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

November 23, 2005

Noted without comment.


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a gun/liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a sh1t.


by John on Nov 23, 2005

November 22, 2005

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and/or family is that you don't have their current e-mail addresses.

6. You pull into your driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. You watch every commercial on television in order to note the web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

12. You're nodding and LOL while you’re reading this.

13. You know exactly to whom you are going to link this.

14. You were too busy to notice there was no #9 on the list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to *check* that there wasn't a #9 on the list.

16. You catch yourself using acronyms like "LMAO" in normal conversation.

17. You call having a normal conversation "chatting offline" or "working a sidebar."

H/t to Doc E. (who has finally learned to check Snopes before sending outraged or panicky e-grams to his ol' buds)...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Okay, okay--I *know* I promised you an AAR on the MicroBlogfest. First, I've gotta figger why I keep getting a Gaussian Blur on the sole surviving pic of Barb, BCR and Yrs Trly whenever I try to launch it.

Odd that the gun pr0n pix don't seem affected. Mebbe if I PhotoShop me in brass...

Heh. If *that* remark doesn't draw some snarks, I'm losing my touch.

by CW4BillT on Nov 22, 2005
» Mudville Gazette links with: Dawn Patrol

November 19, 2005

Go Army! Beat Navy!

Here's a link you'll never find at Lex's place. H/t, the Admiral of the Moat Fleet!

Old *one day* yourself, Captain? Snerk!

Um, it appears that there is peripheral data on the linked page that might not be work safe.

I'm not sure if they're referring to the video of the naval torpedo - or Lex's, but in some places, *all* that Navy carp *might* be offensive...

by John on Nov 19, 2005

November 18, 2005

Changes in alert status.

From an email:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels: "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

H/t, Dad.

by John on Nov 18, 2005

November 14, 2005

French Military History, with tongue firmly in cheek.

This is funny, if you have any sense of history. But bear in mind one of the Armorer's Maxims - France has rarely had a government worthy of her soldiers. Don't diss the French soldier - plenty of enough for the politicians and the Generals they select.

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- France vs. Mexico
- Win, then give up. France conquers Mexico. When the U.S. decides to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words tells France to get the HELL out of our side of the world, they tuck tail and run. Maximilian, however, takes it like a man.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

Or, better still: "They're there when they need you."

H/t, Dave M.

by John on Nov 14, 2005

November 13, 2005

Light stuff for Sunday.

Doing another drive by dumping-of-SWWBO-at-the Airport... (though she *does* get to meet Admiral of the Moat Fleet Boquisucio and his bride this evening) so here's this, from long-time reader Randy K:

This is probably the best set of tool descriptions I have ever seen.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: leans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used is a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

by John on Nov 13, 2005

November 09, 2005



The coarsening of America is complete. And I just contributed.

H/t, who else, SWWBO. I'm not even going to *think* what she might have been searching for...

by John on Nov 09, 2005

November 06, 2005


Carnival of the Recipes is up! A 'souper' post over at Pajamapundits.

Next, second in a series on the new recruiting campaign - today the Coast Guard, tomorrow, the Air Force...

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Last but not least - Project Valour-IT.

Cox and Forkum have spoken. And there's another relevant one here.


It's a tax-deductible donation and eligible for matching funds from companies who do that sort of thing (see: for proof for the cautious)

The snail mail address for those who'd rather donate that way (scroll down at:

Damn Navy still leads, however. Harsher tactics are in order, methinks.

SondraK is already thinking along the lines I am...

by John on Nov 06, 2005
» Overtaken by Events links with: Donate Some Money, Get Neat Stuff
» Cadillac Tight links with: Attention to Orders
» NIF links with: Go vote, Virginia!

November 05, 2005

Once upon a time...

...there was a pilot who flew for one of the majors. He always flew by the regs, he always made his gate times, he always greased each landing on (and always on the centerline), he never busted minimums and he never, ever argued with ATC.

Hey, cut me some slack--it's a *joke*, okay? Geez...

Well, as all of us must, one morning he showed up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked askance at him and said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until I get a policy reading on this--you're the first airline pilot we've seen up here."

So, the pilot cooled his heels and thumbed through a back issue of Harper's--eventually realizing it had nothing to do with ladies' fashions--while he awaited Saint Peter's return.

Saint Peter finally showed up and said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, you qualify to enter heaven. The bad news is, you have to visit the *other* place, first. Once you've done that, you'll have to decide whether you spend eternity up here or down there." When the pilot opened his mouth to protest, Saint Peter merely said, "Sorry, that's the reg." The pilot shrugged and walked toward the elevator, idly noticing the worn condition of the "Down" button.

When the pilot stepped out of the elevator into a tastefully-decorated anteroom, he was greeted by a demon dressed in a navy short-sleeved shirt, white knickers and argyle socks.

[Okay, by now I've offended both of the airline pilots who drop in, so I'll stick the rest of this in Flash traffic so they can go read the good stuff with a clear conscience...]

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Nov 05, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

October 31, 2005


To get to the blogmeet this weekend we flew into Nashville, rented a car, and drove on 40 to just shy of Knoxville on 75. We went south towards Athens and our eventual destination of vicinity Etowah, in the foothills of the Smokies.

Damn that's some fine terrain, full of names any student of the Civil War will remember. And you can also see why the Cherokee, the Choctaw, and others were very sad when they surrendered to the inevitable and got frog-marched to Oklahoma on the Trail of Tears. The US Government, being unable to control the whites, did a right dirty deed with the population they felt they could control.

That is right beautiful country.

Departing the region, we decided to head south on 75 for Chattanooga. Beth offered to go to Chickamauga (just as the darling woman also offered to let me stop at Murfreesboro) but while I would like to see Chickamauga again, better understanding where my Great-Grandfather fought, that can wait for while I'm at Benning the next couple of weeks.

No, this time we headed for Lookout Mountain. But not the battlefield - instead, we hit what I assumed was going to be an iconic 50's-era Highway 66 kinda kitsch tourist trap - one you've read about for decades if you live in in Dixie and adjacent areas and have driven the highways.

You know. This place!Hosting provided by FotoTime I couldn't have been more wrong. In my mind Rock City was like those 'mineral shops' in the Ozarks of Missouri and Arkansas, or a place like out in the west end of Kansas, that brays about "The largest prairie dog in the world!" which is really a poorly-done cement statue hidden from the highway by a ratty-looking plywood screen.

Not Rock City. When you initially pull up, it has the look of a 30's era WPA or similar tourist attraction... which it essentially is, having been created out of a natural rock formation by Garnet Carter, the inventor of Tom Thumb Miniature Golf, from the original idea of his wife, Frieda, who built a huge walk-through garden, gathering together over 450 species of local plant life, and building a meandering path through the rocks and boulders from which the place got it's name - as two missionaries in the 1820's described it as a place with roads and paths and bridges - much like a city.
Hosting provided by FotoTime
In short - the place much exceeded my expectations. By a lot, given how low they were (don't get me wrong, I like hitting kitschy peculiarly 'Murican tourist traps).

From the view north, to Chattanooga and beyond, to the view south, past Lover's Leap, and the flowers in between, it was worth the diversion and $25 cost for the two of us.

After a couple of hours there we moved on up 24, zipping past Stone's River and hitting Nashville in time to catch the dejected fans leaving the Titans game. Fortunately we were moving against the grain, and they just want to get home and drink, and didn't head down to Broadway to drink. Which is good, because that's what we did, having a fine meal at Demo's Steak and Spaghetti House. SWWBO had the seafood stuffed potato and I had the pepper steak. Good eats at a fair price. Then off to the Nashville airport which was full of gloating Raiders fans.

More alcohol consumed at the airport bar, then board the bird and head home, arriving back at the Castle just before midnight.

Which made today an early day.

by John on Oct 31, 2005

October 30, 2005


Whew!~ These are some trash-talking, guitar-picking, hard-drinking, no-slack-giving, party animals here in the hills of Tennessee. And that's before we got to Eric's place. It went downhill from there.

While I didn't find a still there *was* some very fine, smooth, corn-squeezin's available. And since it was the Straight White Guy's house, and since Blackfive was present... well, let's just say there were plenty of fine highly distilled brown liquors around, too. And with Harvey there, there were fine cigars.

Oddest thing about a blogmeet is the fact that everyone had a black oval over their face. And will until I'm sure who minds and who doesn't mind becoming Google Images fodder...

There was good music, with a sing-along.

There were boy bloggers. Apparently, Eric's house has a problem, but the Redneck Rambler was all over lending a hand to hold it up.

There were gurl bloggers. All of 'em beyooteous. Except that one on the extreme left. That's Blackfive, and frankly, out of over 100 pictures, any picture that had more than two gurl-bloggers in it, for some reason also had Matt. Just sayin'

Some bloggers had their ovals slip - but quickly ducked behind some camouflage.

There were pretty strange creatures in the woods behind Eric's house. Pretty, but... strange.

And strange rituals were performed. Seen here for the first time in the civilized world... the Burning of the Souls, okay, soles.

But perhaps most disturbing was the frenzied dancing around the fire...

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Thankfully, my batteries died before the clothes came off...

I haven't had that much fun in a long time. Even if we did arrive too late for shooting! Apparently Boudicca *likes* the AR-15... Great people, about whom more later. And I'm thinking SWWBO and I will find far fewer excuses for not making the trip to these things in the future.

And it does tickle the thought... wonder if I have half the cojones that Eric does, to let such a ragamuffin herd into his house... do SWWBO and I have the stones to host the Castle Argghhh Blog Meet and Paper Target Slaughter...

by John on Oct 30, 2005
» Straight White Guy links with: Finally alone....
» Thunder And Roses links with: Good times...
» Thunder And Roses links with: Good times...
» A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid links with: Adventures in Blogging
» A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid links with: Adventures in Blogging
» Blog o'RAM links with: Mulling Spices
» Key Issues links with: New Blood!

October 28, 2005

Woe, O Woe.

New Jersey has no current Official Slogan. The last one worth mentioning was “New Jersey and You: Perfect Together”--problem was, you had to say it in a Tom Kean accent (think Bill Buckley on downers) to get a decent chuckle out of it, to wit: “New Juhsey and You: Puhfick Togethah.”

Its successor was “New Jersey: A Garden of Diversity.”

Right. That one sure brought an influx of tourists from Ohio (“Pack the bags, Maude! We’re off to Jersey to see that new Diversity Garden!”). Soooo, the Fraternal Socialist Ministry Department of Tourism took the initiative by the horns and shelled out $267,000 for a slogan guaranteed to pack ‘em in like sardines in EVOO.

“New Jersey--We’ll Win You Over.”

*sigh* They spent $267K for something that sounds like rejected dialogue from “The Empire Strikes Back.”

To his everlasting credit, the Acting Gov told the Fraternal Socialist Ministry Department of Tourism to return to the drawing board, posthaste, and deposit the $44,500-per-word slogan in the nearest available dumpster.

The way I figger, there’s some bucks to be made in the slogan-writing biz. But I can’t decide whether to slant the entry toward
Traditional (“The Garden State. Full of Blooming Idiots.”),
Historical (“New Jersey: Connecting New York and Delaware for Over 200 Years.”),
Logical (“Why Do We Call It the Turnpike When It’s So Friggin’ Straight?”),
Commercial (“Serving Your Mobster Disposal Needs for A Century.”),
Folksy (“If It’s Good Enough for Hoffa, It’s Good Enough for Me.”) or
Futuristic (“New Jersey: Get Out While You Can!”)

Anybody else? If you come up with a winner and the Acting Gov buys off on it, I'll betcha there’s at least a ten-spot in it for both of us.

Ummmmmm, maybe not. The way the budget’s shaping up, we might just get a voucher for a dozen doughnuts left over from the graveyard shift at the local Cop Shop…

by CW4BillT on Oct 28, 2005

October 27, 2005

New Whatzis!

Go for it.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Answer later today.

by John on Oct 27, 2005

October 26, 2005

New Mil-themed TV show.

From an email. A sense of humor is alive and well among the troops. And, of course, just enough truth to bite.

The New TV Series, "The E-Ring"

Episode 3: DFAS Trauma [Defense Finance and Accounting Service - the Paymasters]. The Major's LES [Leave and Earnings Statement - The Pay Stub] still reflects combat and jump pay. He spends the entire episode trying to get through to the help desk at DFAS, with no luck. He therefore launches a cruise missile strike on the call center, only to find out that it's really in Pakistan, thus creating an international incident. Fortunately for him, COL Dennis "Billy the Kid" Hopper discovers that a number of Al Qaeda operatives have been manning the phones as a fund raiser. All's well that ends well.

Episode 4: The 15-6 [administrative investigation]. Major Ben Bratt is assigned as a 15-6 investigating officer, to determine who was at fault when a cache of Girls Gone Wild video files are found on the office laptop computer. While he's doing this, he has to use the laptop to thwart an Iranian nuclear strike on the US. When a DoD attorney discovers that he actually used the laptop, he is accused of looking a the Girls Gone Wild website. COL Hopper comes to rescue by explaining to the SECDEF that the Major, once again, has saved the nation.

Episode 5: CFC Campaign [Combined Federal Campaign Campaign - the feds United Way campaign, as written by the Department of Redundancy Department]. As the new guy, the Major is assigned the additional duty as the Combined Federal Campaign officer of OSD. He struggles to meet the SECDEFs goal of 100% participation in the office. Knowing that this could jeopardize his future, he get on the secure SATCOMM and calls his buddies deep in the mountains of Afghanistan to get them to contribute. He then jacks up the Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs and his staff saying "even my guys in the field donate". The Chairmen congratulates him, awards him an impact JSCOM [Joint Service Commendation Medal], and reprimands his staff for not supporting the CFC.

Episode 6: The Ugly Girl. An ugly female Air Force officer is assigned to the staff. Although fully qualified to do the job, the colonel and Major must do what they can to get her out of the building. At the same time, the good looking DoD lawyer, the good looking marine MSG, and the good looking intel officer all band together to keep Ugly Girl on staff. They figure that they will always look good if she's around.

Episode 7: The Young Colonel. COL Dennis Hopper is put to the test as a young-gun O-6 from USSOCOM [US Special Operations Command] is sent to the staff to show them "how it's done in the field". The show climaxes when the two colonels get into a fight at a gentleman's club in Silver Springs. You can imagine who wins. Guest starring Charlton Heston as the young O-6.

Episode 8: ACU Issue. Major Bratt is assigned the additional duty of coordinating the Army Combat Uniform issue for the office. He's not sure why, since they always wear their their Class A or B uniforms. COL Hopper tells him "There's a war on Major! Let's get it done!". The Major then gets an intern from the Pentagon Information Management Center (MICE) to develop a spread sheet for him that lists uniform and boot sizes. He then goes to the Undersecretary of Defense for Resources and gets him to develop a spreadsheet for the officers who must purchase their uniforms.

Episode 9: The Commute. This episode actually covers a couple of days in the life of the high speed, low drag Major. On day one he drives his POV [Privately Owned Vehicle] to the building and parks in an open spot in Lane 3 near the Corridor 3 Entrance. Turns out it's the Asst Secretary of Defense for Manpower's temporary parking spot. He's not happy and confronts the Major. But the Major puts the SES-4 [Senior Executive Service, Level 4 - muckety-muck civilian appointee] in his place, telling him that he should be ashamed of himself for talking to a warrior like that. The civilian backs down, but because the Major realizes that there is some protocol involved here, he moves. The next day he rides the bus and Metro. Not having exact change for the bus he lambastes the driver, who is obviously not of European descent, for telling him there will be no change. The other people on the bus bust into applause as the Major says "Keep your change, and welcome to America!".

Episode 10: The Briefing. COL Dennis Hopper tasks the Major to prepare a PowerPoint briefing on a variety of SIGACTS [Significant Activities] occurring in the office. The Major (as you may recall) is a warrior and doesn't know how to use PowerPoint: "Sir, in Tora Bora the bullets we used made a different statement!". The Major, who previously infuriated a young good looking female intern at the IMCEN (see Episode 8), must now turn on the charm to get her to help him. While this is going on, he must participate in a covert mission to Colombia to eradicate the coca leaf crop.

Episode 11: Lost ID Badge: The Major loses his Pentagon access badge. While he's able to talk his way through the numerous check points (there are some attractive female guards working there), he is ordered by COL Hopper to go to Crystal City to get a new badge. While he's there, he stops off at the Crystal City Mall for lunch, and realizes that the food server is none other that Albanian war criminal Mlvncqzc Kdfpqzvmncv. He needs to get an 80% facial recognition by DIA on this guy before he can call in SEAL Team 6 to take him out. Thank God for Verizon cell phones!

Episode 12: Career in Jeopardy: Last show of season. The Major is in deep trouble, and COL Hopper might not be able to help him out. It's the end of the FY and the Major has repeatedly failed to attend the Mandatory Ethics Briefing. He has gone just too far this time. Even the SECDEF is pissed off about this one. There's one session left before the final roster is sent to Congress for review. If Senator Boxer and Congresswoman Pelosi realize that the Major did not attend one of the 24 available sessions during the FY, it could jeopardize the entire DoD budget for years to come. He's scheduled to attend the last session the day after tomorrow, but just received word that "Mr. O" and "Mr. Z" will be meeting in Syria tomorrow. Can he get there in time to take these HVTs [High Value Targets] out and return for the briefing before it's too late? Wait until next season to find out!

*Spoof episodes, of course - yet more reflective of reality than the show.

by John on Oct 26, 2005
» NIF links with: Gonna be a long day!
» Mind in the Qatar links with: I love the E-Ring!
» BLACKFIVE links with: E-Ring Future Episodes
» CDR Salamander links with: I demand royalties
» Silent Running links with: Now THIS would be reality TV
» Voice of the Taciturn links with: Guest E-Ring Review
» The Stupid Shall Be Punished links with: Sub-Themed TV Show Idea

October 22, 2005

Militarizing Space? Interplanetary War? The European Union?

What do all these things have in common?

From an email:


I was reading an article today about the European Union's newest spaced venture and the picture of the vehicle struck me as somewhat familiar. Then it hit me, the war to liberate Afghanistan; that's where I had seen that profile before. The 15,000 lb Daisy Cutter painted in white camouflage to disguise its real identity. Obviously, the EU has declared war on Venus, without UN sanctions and is planning a surprise attack on Wednesday. I just thought I should alert you and your readers about this terrifying event!

A faithful reader

The EU would have us believe that this is an innocent space exploration vehicle.

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Yeah, right. We've drunk the Kool-Aid, we listen to Art Bell - WE KNOW BETTER!

This is what they're building - and white paint ain't gonna hide it!

by John on Oct 22, 2005

October 21, 2005

Begging for captions.

Go for it. You know you want to.

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I've also heard from Dusty - he's alive, and well, and very busy, and has probably flown over most of your homes at some point in the last two weeks, if his fliight log is any indicator.

by John on Oct 21, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies
» Isaac Schrödinger links with: Beg and Ye Shall Receive

October 20, 2005


I kinda like this...

Hat tip, Ry!

Some other choices in the Flash Traffic...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Oct 20, 2005
» My Side of the Puddle links with: Kewl! I found my Halloween costume!
» Blog o'RAM links with: Beware the Jabberwock and Shun the
» pamibe links with: Monster Mash
» NIF links with: Charlie Foxtrot

October 19, 2005

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Puffin...

Admit it: you get a kick out of ethnic jokes, but you're leery about laughing at them lest you be thought *insensitive,* right?

Well, now you can indulge in secret. Just don't let that PC twit from HRO hear you giggling at

The Canonical List of Norwegian Jokes.

Buried in Flash Traffic, obviously, so as not to offend the casual visitor. Or AFSis, who has delusions of being the Swedish Chef...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Oct 19, 2005

October 18, 2005

They Also Serve...

...who only stand and say, "Next slide, please." Or so it seems.

Long-time (like, since before last Monday) readers will just might recall me snarking John about the difference between an RLO (Real, Live Ossifer) and a Warrant and the ensuing counterbattery fire I drew from all the current-and-former RLOs in the 'sphere.

A continuation on the theme...

One of the occasional chores common to both RLOs and Warrants is The Briefing. One of my 30-minute classes usually consisted of presenting five flip-charts, talking for 20 minutes, then stating something like, "If there are no questions on Why Retreating Blade Stall Is Not Your Friend, be back in your seats in 10 minutes."

Heh. The RLOs have it a tad rougher.

Two words: General. Officers.

For the purposes of the rest of the post, we'll consider John, CPT JMH, Lex and Midshipman Mudpuppy Commander Salamander as Honorary Warrants. Although I have no doubt that they can *relate* to the following...

News Update: Army Unveils New RLO Award

Subject: Combat Briefing Badge (CBB)

Recognizing the need for an award for troops assigned to headquarters units during combat operations, the Army today announced the approval of the Combat Briefing Badge, or CBB.

"People don't realize that being in a major headquarters can be just as stressful as going on patrols or convoys," said MAJ John Remf. "When you're briefing that
many General Officers, your career can end in a heartbeat. And it can happen to anyone at any time, not just combat arms soldiers."

DoD statistics note that CSS personnel are more likely to suffer career-ending incidents in rear areas than Combat Arms Soldiers. "This award just reflects that reality," said Pentagon spokesman LTC Roger Pogue.

The award ranks in precedence below the CIB and CAB, but above the EIB and PowerPoint Ranger tab.

The criteria for the award is still under discussion, but preliminary guidance authorizes the award for 30 days of continuous briefings of officers at least two grades higher than the briefer without incident while serving in a theater of operations in which the awardee is eligible for hostile fire and hazardous duty pay.

H/t Vulture 29

by CW4BillT on Oct 18, 2005

October 16, 2005

Sunday Fare..

Even the Sunnis voted in large numbers yesterday... even if, as the AP observes, to vote *against* something. Novel idea, that, eh? Not only can you vote (that's happened before in Iraq) but you can vote *against* something. Wonder how many Sunni's, walking away from the polls, had that little epiphany...

Strategy Page covers it better than most, perhaps.

October 16, 2005

IRAQ: Another Election Carried Out Despite Terrorist Threats

October 16, 2005: The government is getting better at running national elections under the threat of terrorist attacks. The legislative elections last January had fewer than ten million people voting (69 percent of those registered), and over 40 people killed by terrorists opposed to the elections. This vote, on the new constitution, brought out over ten million, and left fewer than ten dead. There are several reasons for this progress. First, the government is getting better. There are more police, and more of them are trained and reliable. The government has used its experience well, and the country was basically shut down for yesterday's election, making it difficult for terrorists to move around. And apparently the terrorists did not move much, and attacked even less. But another reason for that was the effort by many Sunni Arab anti-government groups to get Sunni Arabs to vote against the new constitution. If the three mainly Sunni Arab provinces could get two thirds of the
voters to go against the new constitution, the constitution would have to go back for more revisions and a new vote. Many Sunni Arabs decided that they could live with the new constitution, and turned out to vote that way. As a result, it appears that the Sunni Arabs did not stop the constitution.

All of this is another major defeat for the al Qaeda and anti-government forces. These two groups have not been able to stop any elections, and their efforts are weaker with each round of voting. Al Qaeda's efforts to goad the Shia Arabs into a civil war with Sunni Arabs has not worked either, although it has caused a lot of ill-will and violence in areas where Shia and Sunni live close together.

The anti-government forces have little to sustain them. The October 15 election was just another of many major defeats. And every day, there are numerous lesser defeats. But some of the Sunni Arab terrorists will keep at it, and it will be years before this threat is completely gone from Iraq. That's been the pattern in other Arab countries over the past few decades.

SGT Hook is back in the 'sphere. Welcome home, Sergeant Major!

Michael Barone has an interesting take on things political.

On this day a bunch of WWII German leaders reaped what they sowed, discovering that last step was a long one. On this day in 1946 the condemned Nazi war criminals were hanged. Except for Goering, who cheated Sergeant John Woods with a pill. Perhaps not unfittingly, it was the 6th anniversary of the founding of the Warsaw Ghetto. There are those on the web with a dissenting view of the event.

NOTE: The "dissenting view" link isn't an endorsement by anyone here. And unless you think the Nazis were a good idea, and that the Jews are the root of all evil - you aren't going to like the link, nor the ideas expressed therein. Something I should have noted before this. My apologies to anyone who felt ambushed by that link. The 'Net is neutral - the use we put it to, however, is not.

Actually, not a good day for European leaders... Marie Antoinette got to look through the little window on this day in 1793.

It really is a busy day in history. Some other tidbits...

1710 British troops capture Port Royal, Nova Scotia. The utter ingratitude of the locals to this involuntary change of administration will result in them being resettled in Louisiana... and the Acadians become Cajuns.
1775 Portland, Maine, burned by British - you b*st*rds! Mind you, it seems that Portland has been rather flammable over it's history...
1813 Battle at Leipzig: Napoleon loses to Prussia, Austria, and Russia in "The Battle of Nations." The start of a long, and still bloody denouement.
1859 John Brown captures the arsenal at Harper's Ferry, Va
1863 U.S. Grant is named commander of Union forces in the West. First Vicksburg, finally, Petersburg.
1885 Capt Alfred Thayer Mahan becomes Superintendent of the Naval War College
1925 Locarno Pact, European nations agree to accept boundaries as they are
1940 First black American promoted to general: Benjamin Oliver Davis, Sr.
1953 Batista regime sentences Fidel Castro sentenced to 15 years for
rebellion. Oops. Shoulda held on to him longer. eh Fulgencio? Not that you were any great winner yourself.
1962 Missile Crisis: JFK learns of Soviet missiles in Cuba. Even *I* remember this, and I was pretty young. But Dad left with a lot of other soldiers to head to Florida...
1964 China becomes world's fifth nuclear power. Dangit. That sure changed the calculus for Vietnam...
1978 Polish Resistance worker Karol Wojtyla elected pope as John Paul II.

Ry sends along this bit from Defense Tech about making the old new again.

I counter with this:

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Staff Sgt. Matthew Sheppard of A Co, 1st Battalion, 325th AIR, prepares to move out on an improvised donkey convoy near Lwar Kowndalan, Afghanistan, Oct. 3. Sheppard and other paratroopers used donkeys to transport air-dropped supplies off a mountain and back to their patrol base in town.

Love the reins. Pink is your color, Sergeant.

For our Georgia Denizens and visitors, Banter in Atlanter wants to push this: Heat for Heroes.

At Stop The ACLU, Sunday Funnies!

Gulf Coast resident, reader and blogger Seawitch asks that we go read this piece over at Miss M's place and offer what help we are motivated to provide.

More as the Muse seizes me.

I was seized.

SWWBO wants you to know she understands Kosher. And religious sensitivity. She asks that rather than shower her with religious tracts, (she'll return fire with Catholic stuff), why don't you understand free speech and politics. And that, as the Founder of Carnival of the Recipes, she can have "special themes" like Pork Only, or "No Companion Animal Recipes" as a rule. Trust me - if she ever has a "Piscine-Only Carnival," I won't be visiting. Some people's nerves are too close to the surface! Ya don't like this week's theme... ever, don't participate this week. See how easy that is? Amazing that people take a somewhat 'rights-based' view of a volunteer effort on the web...

So - don't gripe at ALa, who is hosting this week's Carnival of the Recipes, PorkOnlyEdition!!!

SWWBO also introduces you to The Empress of Dark, true ruler of Castle Argghhh!

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Heh: Hat tip to Eric, the Straight White Guy:

My blog is worth $549,861.96.
How much is your blog worth?

by John on Oct 16, 2005
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: News and Updates
» Political News and Blog Aggregator links with: Bush Hails Iraq Vote on New Constitution

October 15, 2005

Saturday Fare

Heh. I think most Denizenne's could subscribe to this attitude:

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From this fella's website.

Update: As I thought, but couldn't find, and JTG thought, but couldn't find, MCart *did* find... this *is* an Oleg Volk picture... from here. When I went looking to confirm, I went here, Oleg's Studio website... and I shoulda known better!

Sigh. You'd think they'd know better... a "no speech zone"?

Apparently needing some confirmation about Blake's affirmation that DHL delivers, Boquisucio when out and found proof: DHL Delivers!

Let's have a caption contest... since Cassie isn't providing this anymore, mebbe we can snare some of her clever double-entendre' types...

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Other caption contests as I find them: The Right Place, WILLisms, OTB, GOP and the City, Wizbang,

by John on Oct 15, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

October 14, 2005

Taking up the slack

Slacker my friggin' left testic probably wouldn't be my word-of-choice to describe someone who keeps pullin' your pudgy butt off the griddle sacrifices soooo unselfishly to let your sorry butt sleep in allow you some much-needed weekend-long hangover recovery Saturday morning respite from the week's endeavors.

There. I feel like an idiot much more like downing a six-pack of Lysol than ever at peace with myself for having scraped that off the bottom of my shoe said those few words...

Morning drive-time's been much more amusing since the AM Talkers discovered the Zarqawi / Zarahiri memo (thirteen pages isn't a memo, it's a Tom Clancy prologue), particularly since most of 'em haven't the vaguest clue about the ramifications of our spooks grabbing it. Some interesting takes--yup, plural--on it at Fuzzybear Lioness' place here (the prequel) and here. And, if you're curious as to what makes FbL's heart go pit-a-pat, stop in for a conversation.

Oh, yeah--the milblogs have their own slant on it, too--semi-live, from the folks of TF Katrina: Dude! Where's My Book?

And, speaking of neat stuff you don't get from the MSM, you guys *do* remember we hotlinked CENTCOM, don't you? Gratuitous memory-jogger: right sidebar, official seal, United States Central Command in a tasteful Arial Narrow verdigris...

Okay...lessee here

*rummaging around in the Big Bag of Boz Trons*

The most boring portion in any deployment is the period of time after the unofficial transfer of duties and responsibilities to your relief. After the SFOR-11 folks got their Death-by-PowerPoint briefings, their orientations, their classes on what does what, their warnings about the quirks of the polarity-sensitive Europlugs for the computers, etc., there was *nothing* to do until the plane came to bring us back home.

Except babysit the new guys. Some days--and nights--had more amusement value than others...

TINS!* With enough acronyms and abbreviations to make Barb's day...

-----Original Message-----

From: Tuttle, William CW4
Sent: Thursday, March 21, 2002 4:55 AM
To: [*distinguished military addressees names deleted by author because they know where I live*]; Aviation BN TOC Comanche
Subject: Proposed name change for Eagle Base

Two SFOR-11 crewchiefs got stranded here last night and wandered into the TOC, looking for a ride back to Eagle or a place to spend the night on Comanche. TF Pegasus leaped to the rescue with transportation and CW2 S-P coordinated entry of the rescue force (a Hummvee plus armed occupants) with Eagle BDOC. I dispatched SPC McS to accompany SPC Y in order to preserve personnel integrity and Force Protection IAW the IMPIN-announced Threat Level (B3I). PFC B accompanied them to preclude any snickering from the vulgar-minded among you.

The rescuers departed on their mission of mercy at 0030. Tuck this time into your subconscious--there will be a test.

Getting onto Eagle was not a problem, despite the the TL of C2I posted prominently at the gate. SPC Y told the gate guard, "We'll be back in five minutes," was allowed entry onto Eagle and the crewchiefs were delivered to their quarters without incident. So far, so good.

On their return to Eagle Gate, the rescuers were stopped IAW Force Protection procedures and informed that they couldn't depart Eagle Base because they were not a four-vehicle convoy of up-armored Hummvees. When SPC Y asked the guard if the Force Protection Posture had changed in the preceeding three minutes, he was told, "No, it's still Charlie."

"Charlie what?"


"Anything in addition to 'Charlie'?"

(Looking at the FP notice) "Charlie...India."

"Any, like, vehicle movement code with that?"

"Charlie. India."

The conversation went downhill from there. When SPC Y asked if he could use the guard shack telephone to call Comanche TOC, he was told, "No." When he asked if he could use the guard shack telephone to call the Eagle BDOC, he was told, "No." When he asked if the gate guard would kindly have one of his fellow guards use the guard shack telephone to call Eagle BDOC, he was told, "No." When he informed the gate guard that he, SPC McS and PFC B were expected back at their duty locations, he was told, "You have to stay here." When SPC Y pointed out that there were no accommodations available at Eagle (visualize the "No Vacancy" sign at the Kit Carson Inn flashing forlornly in the fog, here), he was told, "Sleep in your vehicle." When SPC Y drew the guard's attention to the fact that SPC McS was a female and complying with the guard's suggestion would lead to unseemly speculation on the part of the vulgar-minded, he received a blank stare, not unlike that of a deer caught in your high beams.

SPCs Y and McS (and PFC B--you forgot all about PFC B, didn't you? Shame.) then turned around and proceeded back onto Eagle in search of a telephone. After discovering that the passenger terminal and every other public facility on Eagle (including the DFAC) locks its doors and/or its telephones after all the cappuccino bars close, they succeeded in convincing the night shift at the White House that they weren't itinerant al-Q'aeda and received permission to make a phone call to the Eagle BDOC.

When they got back to the gate, a different guard was on duty. After reading them the entire contents of the Force Protection Code booklet, he allowed them to proceed out the gate and return to Comanche.

Now for the test (I told you there would be a test--stop whining): If a rescue mission leaves Comanche at 0030 for a twenty-minute round trip to drop off some crewchiefs at Eagle, when will they arrive back at Comanche?

If you answered, "Two-and-a-half hours later," you are absolutely correct.

Since Comanche is closed (at least, according to Stars & Stripes and Talon), we must be the Lost Slides of some laudanum-besotted staff officer’s PowerPoint briefing and this means that the Hotel California, aka the Two-Story-Building-Where-the-VIPs-Stay is now officially dis-named. In order to maintain a certain continuity with our Peacekeeping predecessors, therefore, I would like to suggest that Eagle Base be officially redesignated "The Hotel California."

Because you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. Ever.

The best reply I got was from our XO. See Flash traffic / Extended entry...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Oct 14, 2005
» Two Babes and a Brain links with: Milbloggers Getting Our Attention

October 12, 2005


Over at My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Beth (SWANS)* is hosting a "King of Cotillion" contest (I would note the seeming to uncouth ears grammatical faux pas is not).

We did not deign to enter.

Okay, no one asked us and we didn't know about it, not being regular Cotillion readers...

We received the following email yesterday, from Casey Tompkins an unamed blogger who opined thusly:


First, let me thank you for not entering the competition. Makes life easier for me, 'n Thunder6.

Second, I just wanted to drop a link to let you know it's on, and I've entered. T6 of 365 & A Wake-Up has as well, not to mention a couple of other semi-demi-celebrity bloggers, all of whom are probably better known than I. :)

Your wife might get a bit distracted, though. I'm just sayin'...

I assure you, sir, that #82 keeps the thoughts of SWWBO fully-occupied. Ahem.

I won't speak too loudly for Dusty and Bill, but were the Armorer to have entered, it would have looked something like this:

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Or perhaps something with a recoiless rifle, if a tank was considered too agressive.

*She Who Are Not Swwbo

by John on Oct 12, 2005

October 09, 2005

Sunday Caption Contest

This is another two-fer, provided by the Admiral of the Moat Fleet, Boquisucio:


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Hosting provided by FotoTime

No prize but bragging rights...

Other Caption Contests: OTB, Wizbang, The Right Place, Random Numbers, GOP and the City, Cafe Oregano #1, Cafe Oregano #2, WILLisms, Commonwealth Conservative, a Limey in Bermuda, The Gone Rick Hotel, Sortapundit and Villainous Company

by John on Oct 09, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

Maybe you'd better wait...

...until after church. I finally found my collection of quotes from the good ol' days of spontaneous TV, long before the bleep button and three-second delays became standard network issue in the control room.

Heh--the original Prime Time Castle Comment Party. Hollywood Squares.

Here, PG-17C! Here, boy! Goooood construct. Just look what I've got for ya in this wall locker...that's it, climb right in and


You guys know the drill by now. See Extended Post/Flash Traffic.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Oct 09, 2005

October 08, 2005

More intramural snarking...

As promised below - one of the things Randy K sent along... apropos for the season and subject!

New Pentagon Football Rules

New SecDef Directive: Joint Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Game.

The Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 2005 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament:

1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the fact that the MSM will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching another player today, even the congratulatory pat on the behind, is court-martial bait.

2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous " throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.

3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.

4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided.

5. To promote inter-service cooperation, all teams will be ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.

a. The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," is calling for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.

b. The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan will call for players, each called a ball "carrier," to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming " presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.

c. The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan will be predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.

d. The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan keeps calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, half-time, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.

6. After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices. The Navy will probably decide victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead, its players will patrol up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches.

7. Likewise, the Army will probably decide against taking the field, at least until several conditions are met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined; and, three, the President would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.

8. The Air Force feels victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were just leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 bazillion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.

9. Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field and declared themselves the winners in the fourth quarter, after finally getting the ball across the correct goal line.

10. And there was joy in Mudville.

by John on Oct 08, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies
» Alphecca links with: Tis The Season
» BLACKFIVE links with: Military Football Humor


Hee. Reader Randy K sent along a little gem, which I'll put out in a later post.

It's in regard to this thread at Fark (which is hilarious).

As one might guess, there is some, well, rivalry between the inmates of the various service academies. And this week, the Squids spanked the Zoomies. They painted an F4 Phantom on display at the Air Force Academy to look like a Blue Angels (the Navy aerial demonstration team if you don't know) aircraft.

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And they did it smart. 1. They didn't get caught. 2. They used water soluble paint, so clean up is easy - in other words, all the goodness of the score without really damaging anything or causing a hugely expensive clean up. Hey, cleaning things like that up are what Doolies are for, right?

Hee! I remember a certain anchor, in front of the University of Missouri ROTC building, Crowder Hall, which was discovered on Homecoming Morning to have been painted a Bright Pink.

I remember the next year, the Midshipmen guarded their anchor the night before Homecoming. Too bad someone was *inside* Crowder Hall, where the Navy has this *really nice* shipbuilder's model of the USS Missouri in a glass case in the central foyer. Only for this homecoming, *somehow* the case was full of water and goldfish, with the Mighty Mo'... sunk 'neath the waves.

Then, heh, who'd a thunk it, but one fine Homecoming Morning, the anchor was all green and fuzzy, having been coated with grease and grass clippings...

But I wouldn't know anything about that. Nope.

Methinks Lex, a certain Bubblehead, CDR Salamander and Unconsidered Trifles should come by and crow over current victories trumping old losses... Especially since Dusty, USAFA Grad, is still AWOL...

by John on Oct 08, 2005
» Neptunus Lex links with: Sign 167 of the Impending Apocalypse
» CDR Salamander links with: Tommorow’s SEALS today
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

Back when (again)

Remember when I told you about my bartending gig the first time I got out of the Army? The pay wasn't so hot, but it was a pretty good job in other ways--lots of interesting interaction between the customers. F'r instance...

One night, a guy was sitting quietly, nursing a Rob Roy, and sitting on the opposite side of the horseshoe from him was a gorgeous redhead. I'd been quietly watching him watching her (he'd been checking her out since he sat down, but evidently couldn't work the courage up to talk to her).

Suddenly she sneezed and doggoned if a glass eye didn't come flying out of its socket directly at him.

He reflexively reached and snatched it out of the air, opened his hand and looked at the eye with a kind of bemused expression on his face, then walked around the horseshoe to hand it back to her.

"Oh, I'm sooo sorry," she said as she took the eye, then bent down to put it back in its socket. "Please--let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They moved to one of the booths and I motioned the waitress to bring a couple of menus.

Paul the Chef always out did himself on Surf 'n' Turf Night--they looked like they really enjoyed their meal, and the conversation was pretty animated, with a lot of smiles and laughter from both of them.

Afterwards, they adjourned to the bar, sitting together this time, and it was a quiet night, so I couldn't help but overhear them share their thoughts and dreams.

Then came closing time, so I rang out their tab and bought each of them an Irish coffee nightcap for last call. He reached for his wallet, but she gently placed her hand on his and said, "My treat, remember?"

As I was counting out her change, I overheard her suggest that he accompany her home for a nightcap and an early breakfast.

"Geez," he said, "you are the perfect woman!" He blushed a bit, then asked, "Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replied with a grin, as they got up to leave...

Ummm--out of respect for the finer sensibilities some of you have exhibited in the past, I stuck the punchline in Extended Entry/Flash Traffic...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Oct 08, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

October 07, 2005

Continuing the assault on...

...the Mother Church's hold on scripture started by Gutenberg (down Jim, down big fella!) we offer up these tidbits of new versions of the bible, making Scripture accessible for all! Plus, ain't it grand, that no one is going to send a hit squad with dull knives to saw off my head for publishing these...?)

Starting with:

It's the new txtament, mate By Nick Squires in Sydney (Filed: 07/10/2005)

Not content with a Strine version of the Bible, Australia has translated the Old and New Testaments into text message language.

"In da Bginnin God cre8d da heavens & da earth," the SMS (short message service) version begins. "Da earth waz barren, wit no 4m of life; it waz unda a roaring ocean cuvred wit dRkness."

The Bible Society in Australia, which has produced the translation, hopes that young people will send their family or friends verses which can be accessed free over the internet.

But older people may feel that the text version lacks the gravitas and elegance of the original.

"The old days when the Bible was available only in a sombre black cover with a cross on it are long gone," Michael Chant, of the Bible Society, said. "We want to open it up for people of all ages, backgrounds and interests and the SMS version is a logical extension of that."

The idea came from the son of a society employee in Sydney and it took one person a month to convert the entire New and Old Testaments into SMS text.

Mr Chant said that biblical words of wisdom could be sent to comfort a friend or relative.

"Other people might just want to send a daily Bible recording to themselves to meditate on while they are on the bus or having their lunch," he said.

But wait! There's more!

The Virgin Mary is a "pretty special sheila" who wraps her nipper in a bunny rug and tucks him up in a cattle feed trough, according to a new Australian version of the Bible. The Three Wise Men are "eggheads from out east" who follow a star to find the baby Jesus and announce their arrival with: "G'day, Your Majesty!" The Good Samaritan is a "grubby old street sweeper" who patches up the victim of a highway robbery with his first aid kit, then drops him off at the nearest pub.

And shoot, I missed this version on the big tables at Sam's Club:

'Erotic' pictures to bring Bible back into fashion By Jessica Berry (Filed: 27/05/2001)

A GLOSSY magazine-style version of the Old Testament, featuring leading models pictured by the world's leading fashion photographers, will be unveiled later this year.

Claudia Schiffer and Markus Schenkenberg are the models expected to portray Eve and Adam in a project designed to attract young people who rarely read the bible.

Gustaf-Wilhelm Hellstedt, one of four Swedish entrepreneurs behind the idea, said: "Forget those old sketches in the Bible. Instead of a boring drawing of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we may well have a couple walking down a New York street, kissing."

And this one! I missed this one, too!

A BIBLE for bikers in which Christ's blood is compared to the oil in a motorbike will be released by the Bible Society later this month.

The idea is that of Alan Lowther, an atheist turned Christian minister, president of the Christian Motorcyclists' Association and the "driving force" behind the new Manual for Life.

The Bible Society, whose patrons include the Queen and Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother, says the version of the New Testament will "make Scripture more real and appealing to this sub-culture".

It uses the controversial Contemporary English Version of the New Testament which critics last year denounced as the "soap opera" Bible for its simplified prose. On the cover is a colourful collage of motorcycles and the message: "Discover the freedom of the open road."

by John on Oct 07, 2005

Caption contest...

Two pics today. Critter-based.

First up.

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Second up - what's the *horse* thinking?

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by John on Oct 07, 2005
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: playing catch up on the blogosphere
» Sortapundit links with: SortaCaption Contest

October 05, 2005

She who stutteringly brings up...

...feminine "sekrit-purpose" devices...

Iiiii Donnnn'ttt knowwww anyyythingggg abouttttt thingsssss that viiiiiiibrate

...(admittedly following *her* lead) later in the same thread complains:

*sigh* The quality of gun pron on this site has dramatically dropped.

Heh. *Who* dragged pr0n into this anyway? A pox on all yer houses!

Fine. I'll pander. How about a Wall of Muskets?

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From the Tower Armories, a souvenir of SWWBO's trip last week. Compares favorably to the Arsenal at Argghhh!, I suppose.

Where they've got us beat, however, is out in the inner ward! With things like this 24 pounder gun on a fortress carriage.

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by John on Oct 05, 2005

She who stutteringly brings up...

...feminine "sekrit-purpose" devices...

Iiiii Donnnn'ttt knowwww anyyythingggg abouttttt thingsssss that viiiiiiibrate

...(admittedly following *her* lead) later in the same thread complains:

*sigh* The quality of gun pron on this site has dramatically dropped.

Heh. *Who* dragged pr0n into this anyway? A pox on all yer houses!

Fine. I'll pander. How about a Wall of Muskets?

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From the Tower Armories, a souvenir of SWWBO's trip last week. Compares favorably to the Arsenal at Argghhh!, I suppose.

Where they've got us beat, however, is out in the inner ward! With things like this 24 pounder gun on a fortress carriage.

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by John on Oct 05, 2005

For his birthday, ...

...little Patrick asked for a bicycle .

His dad said, "Son, we'd be happy to buy you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day, his dad saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. He stopped him and asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick replied, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

H/t to Doc E.

by CW4BillT on Oct 05, 2005
» Mudville Gazette links with: Dawn Patrol
» Speed of Thought links with: Round the Reader - As time permits Edition...

October 04, 2005

Ponnuru for SCOTUS!

I've made a button - as K-Lo asked for.

If they give me permission (I have no idea - it *does* include their logo after all) I might even put 'em up for sale. Use the proceeds to buy a seat at the next NRO get-together...


Greetings visitors from NRO (again, this is a post from October!) The stuff below is a bit dated - if you want newer stuff, we have The Price of War here, the Brit Brigadier's comments on the US Army here, Alito here,, and obscure firearms lore here. Or just click here and start at the top and move down.

This is the old stuff:

Other things of interest, if you have the time - the OPSEC issues for milbloggers (down in the bottom of the post - and visit the Salamander's link, too), a series on the nuts and bolts of "getting to the fight" (good stuff, not boring old logistics - see links at bottom of the post), the FBI, a US Marshall, and a blogger have a Homeland Security Moment, next, - the Bar at Argghhh, and last, but not least - cool military stuff I collect. But if yer just here for the buttons - Jonah has forwarded my note to the suits about offering 'em up for sale.

by John on Oct 04, 2005


I don't have time this morning, I'm taking SWWBO to the airport (hey, just picked her up Sunday night so she could make her FBI meeting yesterday...)

So, whatzis?

If ya don't know - let yer imagination run wild...

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Betcha Lex knows...

by John on Oct 04, 2005
» Neptunus Lex links with: The Guinness on My Desktop

September 28, 2005

Caption Contest

The Admiral of the Moat Fleet comes through again...

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This pic just shows that German WWII paras in Italy had a sense of humor.

Demonstrate yours!

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Sep 28, 2005
» NIF links with: Blogicus Interrupticus
» Quotulatiousness links with: Field-Improvised Weapons

September 27, 2005


...FbL tags John and AFSis tags me. Bleaugh. 'Nother chick quiz.

Congress must've declared this "Fatal Attraction to Milbloggers Week."

But the madness ends with me! I will refrain from dropping it like an incontinent Pekinese into some hapless innocent's lap!

Besides, I think everybody else has already been scr -- uhhhh -- tagged with this. And, in order to spare the sensitive among you, I've buried the whole sordid mess in Flash Traffic/Extended Entry. Sooo, just keep scrolling past, no need to peek...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Sep 27, 2005

September 26, 2005

Stuff ta keep ya busy.

After a summer hiatus, the newsletter of the Brigaded Blogs of Canadians Militant returns! The Red Ensign Standard, number 28!

The Confederate Yankee takes on Human Rights Watch.

Heh. You can only jump the shark so many times before even the Kossacks will bite! Angry in the Great White North peers into Kossacks vs Sheehan. H/t, Confederate Yankee.

Barb finally checks in... from Venice.

Carnival of the Recipes!

Kommonist Kitty Kommissars!

Hmmmm. I might have to look into one of these...

This one's for FbL and AFSis (scroll down, those who know, will understand, for the rest of ya - Good Gun Pr0n!)

Ahem. *Speaking of Fuzzybear Lioness* (Hairy eyeball)

She slimed us with a meme. That she got slimed with by AFSis. Fine, in deference to Denizens, I'll play - but I won't pass the contagion on. Plllpppppt!

But I won't make you read it if you don't want to. It's in the Flash Traffic/extended entry.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Sep 26, 2005
» My Side of the Puddle links with: Paybacks are hell
» Fuzzilicious Thinking links with: Attack of the Killer Meme

September 24, 2005

*sigh* it was bound to happen...

Some warped soul has invented a digital clock for Luddites.

Heh. Hat tip to V-23.

by CW4BillT on Sep 24, 2005

September 23, 2005

Friday Caption Contest

Admiral of the Moat Fleet Boquisucio sends:

The Russians used to have a mighty army in uniforms of steel. I wonder what ever happened to them?

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You caption.

by John on Sep 23, 2005
» Villainous Company links with: Too Funny
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies
» Cafe Oregano links with: Carnival of the Caption Contests
» Isaac Schrödinger links with: Peek-a-boo

September 22, 2005


When I was in Oklahoma... I essentially imported my wife (SWWBO) from Kansas...

The only cow in a small town in Kansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in Oklahoma, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Oklahoma and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Oklahoma?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Oklahoma?"

The Vet replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Oklahoma."

by John on Sep 22, 2005
» NIF links with: Countdown to the weekend
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

September 20, 2005


When Bill wrapped up his last term, I'm not sure this is what he had in mind in the "Legacy" department...

by Dusty on Sep 20, 2005

September 12, 2005

Yeah, I'm busy...

So I'll offer up these two reading experiences...

RINO sightings.

Then there is this.

TINS: noun. Acronym, This Is No Shit - meaning war story, tale, suitably embellished. Typically used in a military context.

We do TINS 'round here. So do other people.

Then there's the Bubblehead over at Discomfort of Thought. Who has a Sea Story (a naval war story...)

Continuing today's nautical theme... well, lets the the PigBoatSailor tell his TINRS. You'll understand the change when you read, "Oh Carp, What a duty day!"

by John on Sep 12, 2005

USS IOWA - Think Pink!

To understand this post, you need to click here... and read that post (and the links in it). Of course, if you're a longtime reader you've done that... so you'll already understand.

USS IOWA, Haze Pink and in the Drink!

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If ya really like it - hi-res here. More options coming soon.

by John on Sep 12, 2005
» CDR Salamander links with: Some things are just plain wrong

September 10, 2005

Castle Argghhh! Leads the Way!

Leading edge of culture, that's us!

Just remember. You heard it here FIRST! Castle Argghhh! was the first to float a proposal to turn the USS Iowa into a Gay Museum!

Check it out at SFGate!

I *sh1t* you not!

Lower right hand story...


H/t, Admiral of the Moat Fleet Boquisucio!

For the record - I don't really object to the proposal itself, I just thought the whole rejection thing was silly grandstanding on the part of San Fran politicians. There is a kernel of applicability in using the IOWA to discuss the issue of gays in the military - the turret fire and the Navy's handling of same - but good luck trying to build something that isn't a preachy screed.

Nor should it be allowed to overshadow the rest of the history of the ship and the Navy she served.

by John on Sep 10, 2005
» Poca Dot links with: Still Lazy
» CDR Salamander links with: Some things are just plain wrong

September 03, 2005

Let's have some fun!

Caption Contest!

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You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But if you think you can, click here.

by John on Sep 03, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

September 02, 2005

On the lighter side...

Fuzzybear Lioness thinks we need some humor in these dark times.

I agree.

So go help her collect! And link to it on yer blogs, too!

Don't leave your offerings here, leave 'em there!

And in a completely unrelated note: "Nuff said!

by John on Sep 02, 2005

August 31, 2005

Me too.

Harvey is asking for some help. Gun Pr0n for an ailing blogger. I've done my bit - now you go do yours!~

AFSis gives all the Intrepid Details, too, for some Plane Pr0n and Gun Pr0n. There's a Chick in there, too.

Just like Punctilious, I'll share info about me you probably don't care about...

1) Go to and, in the search box provided, enter the year you graduated high school.

2) From the search results, click the link for the top 100 songs of that year.

3) With the resulting list:
a) bold the songs you like,
b) strike through the ones you hate
c) underline your favorite
d) and ignore the ones you don't remember or don't care about.

I have a *very* pedestrian taste in music. Give me a good story-telling song anytime. Harry Chapin, yer still missed at the Castle.

Click on the Flash Traffic below.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Aug 31, 2005
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Blast from the Past
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: And now, a break from regular programming
» Techography links with: Top 100

August 30, 2005

Finally! Access!

Dunno if it was Katrina or not, but it seemed that everyone but the Center of the Universe could access the Castle today. Which made it frustrating...

Snerk! This picture brings to mind a TINS... While in ROTC I was the commander of the 'Tactics Team' the group of cadets who *really* liked to play Army enough that we had our own classes and training exercises outside of the regular curriculum (although official, and sanctioned). We went so far as to provide 'indigenous trainees' for the 12th SF Group A Team in St. Louis. A grand time was had by all.

One of my fellow cadets, who went on to a fine career, recently retiring herself, was, shall we say, not familiar with firearms. While getting ready for some patrolling training, with weapons thoughtfully provided by HHB, 1-128th FA, MoNG, she was unsure of how to load an M16 magazine. Her pride not allowing her to ask, and the squad leaders not yet at the point of checking their squadmates, she loaded her rounds alternating the bullets... figuring she had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Need I say, she went MI? Military Intelligence?

In my last job on active duty, I was a WMD response planner, and also involved in MSCA (Military Support to the Civil Authority) planning and response - and responding to things like Katrina was part and parcel of the job. Over at Eaglespeak, the crusty old Seafaring Lawyer (and former Surface Guy) takes a look at one of the assets of choice for coastal disasters, Navy carriers, big or small. They can produce lots of power, and fresh water, can feed a lot of people, act as a small hospital, as well as provide helos for rescue work. I'll point out that one of the jobs of a Defense Coordinating Officer is to make sure that everybody in the Disaster Field Office (run by FEMA) understands what the services can provide... and remind them that it is about *the* most expensive way to get help. But if you need it, need it fast, and it can't get there any other way, we can usually help.

I'll say that was true then - with the log demands of OIF and OEF, I suspect that getting assistance is harder to coordinate these days. There's a lot of demand on transport airframes, and a lot of the wheeled transport is overseas.

Nonetheless, DoD responders will break their backs to respond if they have to.

Jay, over at Stop The ACLU, is having a trackback party to celebrate the latest evolution of his site, and invites you to read about the American Legion's effort to counter what they consider an ACLU run amok.

And to close this off... snerk! H/t, AFSis!

by John on Aug 30, 2005

August 28, 2005

Unmanned Aerial Vehicles

The military is all over UAVs these days. Big ones, little ones, medium sized ones. There are a bewildering number of airframes, sensor packages, and weapons packs in test right now. Like these two.


Fire Scout in action. Developed by the Navy, Fire Scout is an unmanned aerial vehicle (Bill won't fit in there) that is also a candidate to be one of the high-end Army UAVs. We're trying to arm smaller and smaller UAVs... I anticipate we'll be seeing Berettas and paint guns on the micros soon... like this start from the Infantry School at Fort Benning.


Hi-res click here.

Update: Heh. Guess who was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too subtle this morning?

by John on Aug 28, 2005
» In the Bullpen links with: Round the Reader
» NIF links with: Winds of Fate
» NIF links with: Winds of Fate

August 25, 2005


...we forget the degree to which television has affected (and sometimes infected) the consciousness of virtually every living soul on the planet.

F'rinstance, there are people living a thousand miles from the nearest Sports Bar who are as familiar with American football as we are, as witness the following. It was making the rounds when I was doing the Peacekeeper thang, and is even funnier in Serbo-Croatian...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spots a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 100 yards away--ka-boom! He throws another hand grenade into a group of ten soldiers 200 yards away--ka-blooey! Then a car full of gunmen passes, going 90 kmh--bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States, teaches him the great game of football and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight..."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

by CW4BillT on Aug 25, 2005
» NIF links with: Let's get it on!
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

August 22, 2005

Caption Contest

Admiral of the Moat Fleet Boquisucio has discovered an unexpectedly serendipitous side lobe to the implosion of the late Soviet Union.

The Russians like caption contests too.

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Heh. The derivative of Airedale...

by CW4BillT on Aug 22, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies
» NIF links with: So, we've made it back to Monday ...

August 21, 2005

Early this morning...

...we had the mother of all T-storms.

Down the road a bit, a soldier and his wife were awakened at 0300 by a loud, persistent pounding on the door. The soldier got up, opened the door and saw a sodden Marine standing in the downpour, asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the soldier, "It’s three o'clock in the morning!"

He slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some Marine asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I didn’t—it’s three in the morning and pouring rain!"

"Well, don't *you* have a short memory! Do you recall about three months ago when we broke down and those two Marines helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now, go help him!"

The soldier, thoroughly chastened, dressed and went out into the pounding rain, calling into the dark, "Hey, Marine! Are you still there?"


"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?"

"Over here, on the swing!"

by CW4BillT on Aug 21, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

August 18, 2005

Para Humour

*rustle-rustle* *toss-thrash-scatter*

Let's see what tumbles out of the Big Bag o' Boz Trons.

*snap-crackle-pop* *skzzzzzt!*

Hah! Almost forgot that I took notes when the Brits from Banja Luka stopped in for coffee...

Shakespeare walks into a pub.
"Get out!" says the barman, "You're Bard."

Prince Edward to Prince Charles: "How's your bottom, old chap?"
Charles: "Shut up."
Edward: "Really? Must be all this cold weather we're having."

Two parrots sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and asks, "Do you smell fish?"

A man enters a competition in a local newspaper looking for a witty word-play to complete a picture caption. He tries to boost his chances of winning by entering the competition ten times. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic?
He stayed up all night, wondering whether or not there was a Dog.

Prince Charles is opening a new hospital in Cramlington.
He is dressed in a sober suit with a ridiculous hat with a real fox mounted on top of it.
After the plaque is unveiled, one nurse can contain her curiosity no longer and asks him, "Why are you wearing that silly hat with a stuffed animal on top, your highness?"
"Well," explains the prince, "this morning at Highgrove, I told my butler I was coming to Cramlington to open a hospital, and he said to me, 'Cramlington? Wear the fox hat?' "

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a steering wheel down his trousers.
Doctor says "what seems to be the trouble?"
Bloke replies "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts."

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman: "Could I have a pint of . . . . . . . . lager, please?"
The barman says, "Why the big pause?"

Two goldfish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an elephant and an aardvark walk into a pub.
Barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Hmmm--if I'd sprung for capuccino, they might have told a few more...

by CW4BillT on Aug 18, 2005
» Stop The ACLU links with: Sunday Funnies

August 12, 2005

Building on Yesterday's rant...

...about Code Names. I gotta plug Commander Salamander's rant - he was channeling me, which, sadly, portends badly for his promotion chances...

The whole naming thing started out as a security measure. It gave a shorthand way to refer to something in messages, whether a weapon system, troop movement, location, operation, intel asset, etc , so people in the know would understand what you meant, without larding up messages with a lot of text, as well as revealing info to interested eavesdroppers. Jargon for security.

Like the Manhattan Project for the atomic bomb. Operation Overlord for the invasion of Europe. Utah Beach, Operations Olympic and Coronet for the planned invasion of Japan. "Tank" for the Tank. (crates with the first tanks in them were marked "Water Tank" - the name stuck.) Infinite Justice Enduring Freedom - the take-down of Afghanistan. The military aren't the only ones, either; e.g., Microsoft's "Longhorn" which is now officially "Windows Vista."

As we are continuously lectured "Words have meaning." The development of code names is a Big Deal, hence NORTHCOM/NORADs angst. As no less a master of the english language Winston Churchill observed in Closing The Ring (vol 5 of his WWII history):

[1.] Operations in which large numbers of men may lose their lives ought not to be described by code words which imply a boastful or overconfident sentiment,. . . or, conversely, which are calculated to invest the plan with an air of despondency. . . . They ought not to be names of a frivolous character. . . . They should not be ordinary words often used in other connections. . . . Names of living people--Ministers and Commanders--should be avoided. . . .

2. After all, the world is wide, and intelligent thought will readily supply an unlimited number of well-sounding names which do not suggest the character of the operation or disparage it in any way and do not enable some widow or mother to say that her son was killed in an operation called "Bunnyhug" or "Ballyhoo."

3. Proper names are good in this field. The heroes of antiquity, figures from Greek and Roman mythology, the constellations and stars, famous racehorses, names of British and American war heroes, could be used, provided they fall within the rules above.

LTC Gregory Sieminski wrote an interesting article called The Art of Naming Operations in the US Army War College Publication, Parameters, in which he lays out some of the history of naming - and the pitfalls contained therein. In addition to "Ballyhoo" and "Bunnyhug" noted by Churchill (both names just illustrative, never under consideration) there was real objection to naming the 1943 raid on Ploesti "Operation Soapsuds", violating the "Bunnyhug Rule." The mission was eventually named Tidal Wave.

General Ridgway got in trouble in Korea for naming an operation "Killer"... LTC Sieminski pretty much wraps up the whole purpose, process and problem of naming in these three paragraphs:

China's intervention in the Korean War helped Lieutenant General Matthew Ridgway see what MacArthur had not. Ridgway took command of the Eighth Army as it was reeling southward under relentless Chinese attack. His first task, he realized, was to restore the fighting spirit of his badly demoralized command.[47] One way he did this was by giving decidedly aggressive nicknames to the series of counteroffensives undertaken from February to April 1951: Thunderbolt, Roundup, Killer, Ripper, Courageous, Audacious, and Dauntless. Because these names were not classified once operations began, they were widely disseminated among Eighth Army soldiers to boost morale.[48] Ridgway's unprecedented use of meaningful combat operation names set the tone for one of the most remarkable transformations of any military organization in history. The reinvigorated Eighth Army pushed the Chinese back to the 38th parallel.

If Ridgway's names contributed to success on the battlefield, they were not nearly so successful on the home front. Ridgway had publicly announced not only the start of his first major counteroffensive, but also its nickname: Operation Killer.[49] In doing so, he may have imagined that he could boost the morale of the public in the same way he hoped to inspire his troops. After all, the news from the front had been bad for months--so bad, in fact, that the US Far East Command had suspended communiques dealing with operational matters the previous fall.[50] It was probably no coincidence that the communiques resumed the day after the start of Operation Killer.[51] Certainly some of Ridgway's troops thought that Killer and other names had been chosen with the media in mind.[52]

In any event, more than a few observers objected to Ridgway's operation name, which was prominently displayed in many newspaper and magazine articles.[53] One critic was the Army Chief of Staff, General J. Lawton Collins, who informed Ridgway that "the word `killer' . . . struck an unpleasant note as far as public relations was concerned."[54] Certainly public relations suffered: several writers criticized the name directly or implicitly in letters to The New York Times;[55] the International Longshoremen's and Warehousemen's Union issued a report in which the name served as the rubric for the entire conflict, which it called a "phony" war emergency;[56] Republicans pointed to the term as evidence that the Truman Administration had no other aim in Korea but to kill Chinese;[57] and the State Department objected that the name had soured negotiations with the People's Republic of China.[58]

Shelby Stanton, in his book Anatomy of a Division, noted that in Vietnam the 1st Cavalry Division relearned the "Killer" lesson - when it named an operation "Masher." President Johnson got pissy because it didn't reflect the "pacification emphasis" he was after. General Westmoreland, in his memoir added that the President objected because it gave ammunition to carping war critics. Both considerations still valid, perhaps even more so in the pervasive media environment we live in. Like NORAD is finding out via the blogs... though I still don't think Admiral Keating lost any sleep last night because Salamander and I pinged him, and Lex only gave him a lukewarm defense.

After Vietnam, we went to a computer generated system - to improve randomness. But they still got filtered. And anything big, well, as the last 15 years have shown, anything big gets parsed for marketing considerations. Sometimes badly.

If you'd like to try your hand at computer generating some code names, give this site a whirl. The ones I generated weren't too bad! Distant Thunder, Intrinsic Jewel, Nomad Tree, Shepherd Sentinel (though that last might offend PETA).

Just goes to show there *is* a reason for NORADs madness (and madness it still is... lest ye think I've gone soft on 'em!). But like any idea, when carried to an extreme... it just gets silly. And even after doing the research for this post... NORAD's decision is... SILLY.

But let's get to the point of this! Keep those nominations coming in! Then, this weekend, SWWBO and I will select the Top 20. And put up a poll - winner gets their choice of Stuff From The Castle Store, up to a $15 value. I'm feeling generous, I'll cover shipping... Before you submit - check out the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry - therein lies the List Thus Far. Also downloadable here.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Aug 12, 2005
» TacJammer links with: Sleepy Weasel
» NIF links with: Sorcerer of The Wonkavator
» Quotulatiousness links with: Military code names and national character

August 11, 2005

Phred Phelps.

All y'all remember the Good Reverend Phred, right? His daughter was interviewed on a local radio station recently. I missed that, but I *did* read this over Mom's shoulder... an email a local Kansas City resident sent the Reverend, seeking guidance...

Dear Mr Fred Phelps:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

by Barnacle on Aug 11, 2005
» The Politburo Diktat links with: When can we start Smiting?
» Alphecca links with: Around Town

July 31, 2005

Speaking of Plane Pr0n...

...I thought a li'l Caption Contest might be just the thing to liven up the day.

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by CW4BillT on Jul 31, 2005

July 28, 2005

Tagged, Eh?

Oh-kay. What's on my nightstand? That's dirt-simple.

Nothing. I don't have a nightstand.

However, I have to pass this along, so lessee who's been feeling lonesome and neglected lately...

Walking point, Sarge B. Just the casual nomenclature—you don’t have to include the NSNs.

Lady Blue on the left flank. And no fair sloughing it off on G-Man.

Lady Huntress on the right flank. Oh, man—I can just see the list blowing the bottom right out of her site…

Main body consisting of the Flutterby. Maybe answering this’ll get her sis off her case…

And Former Castle Correspondent (Afghan Office) MSG Keith walking drag (no, guys, that's milspeak for "rear guard"). Should be interesting to see if his nightstand at AP Hill is the one with PT Beauregard’s initials carved into the top…

Geez, *that* was easy enough. Dunno why John's always kvetching about these things...

by CW4BillT on Jul 28, 2005

July 27, 2005

Okay, let's lighten up.

H/t, Jim C.

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This could have been our now-departed Golden Retriever Mickey McBear, except she didn't have this kind of patience. Her prayer of thanks would have been a chocolate-on-the-muzzle after-the-fact kinda thing.

by John on Jul 27, 2005
» Techography links with: Pet Blogging

July 26, 2005


Proof of p*$$y-whipped men from a looooong time ago. As if there was any doubt...

Proof I say, that gurls have been driving us to impotence for millenia!

And forced them to take matters into their own hands...

Ht/t, Drudge.

by John on Jul 26, 2005

July 24, 2005


Let's see if we can't get Dusty up out of "Having a life defilade..." He's using temporary lodging dial-up as an excuse.

But I *can* report he's having a good time otherwise.

Military Terms and Translations

Army Navy/USMC Air Force
Latrine Head Powder Room
Cot Rack A Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Hall Chow Hall Cafe'
BDU's Utilities Casual Wear
Private Seaman Bobby or Jimmy
Sergeant Chief Bob or Jim
Colonel Captain / Skipper Robert or James
Article 15 Captain's Mast/Office Hrs Time Out
Barracks Billets Dormitory
Underwear Skivvies Lingerie
Put in confinement facility Thrown in the Brig Grounded

Anybody got some they want to add?

by John on Jul 24, 2005
» Mudville Gazette links with: Do not Click
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Sunday grins & games
» NIF links with: High Sheikh of Pork

July 22, 2005

Oh, My...'m I ever gonna keep PG-17c from going ballistic over this one? Hmmmm...

After I got out of the Army the *first* time, I had a bartending gig at the local Large Chain Motel and Cocktail Lounge, which was Large Chain enough to have *two* bars. Mine was the "party" bar, so-called because it was part of the conference suite usually booked for large, festive weekend shindigs, such as umptieth birthday parties, wedding receptions or the local pols receiving a particularly grandiose campaign contribution.

But on weeknights, it was a nice, quietly contemplative joint, not unlike Callahan's (especially if you peered into the shadows after a few of my Perfect Rob Roys). Mostly regulars, with just the right sprinkling of passers-through to keep things light. One Friday night, I was pretty much alone except for a small gaggle of secretarials enjoying some liquid decompression, when in strolls Bobby, the local heart-breaker. Imagine (a young) John Travolta crossed with Ben Affleck, then add a dash of Leonardo diCaprio.

And just as shallow.

One of the secretarials couldn't take her eyes off him. Bobby made eye contact, zeroed in and walked slowly over. Before the secretarial could say a word, Bobby took her hand and purred his patented, "I'll do anything -- absolutely anything -- that you want me to do. No matter how kinky. For a hundred dollars. On one condition."

To her credit, the secretarial kept what was left of her cool and asked what the condition was.

Bobby replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The secretarial didn't even hesitate. She grabbed her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills (I mentally kissed off the chance of a decent tip for the night). Then she wrote her address on the back of a barnap and pressed the bills and the barnap into Bobby's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,

Punchline in Extended Entry. And no drooling on the keyboards, Ladies...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Jul 22, 2005

July 20, 2005

Quagmires, Quagmires...

Sometimes, despite optimum conditions, military higher-ups find it’s difficult to adhere to the simplest troop-withdrawal timetable. F’r instance, SFOR-10 was supposed to depart Bosnia in mid-March of 2002, in order to comply with the orders which activated us for a deployment which was “not to exceed 179 days.” After repeated alerts and stand-downs, most of the folks departed during the third and fourth weeks of March, including the Infantry, which left the Virginia and New Jersey remnants of TF Pegasus, the Aviation contingent, with the somewhat dubious chore of guarding -- ourselves.

And on 1 April, the Virginians left, leaving the defense of sprawling Camp Comanche to seventeen stalwart Joisey lads ‘n’ lasses (Note the only one in the photo who’s *armed*). My post was the fuel farm -- cuz I was the only one who had more than three rounds of 9mil. Didn't bother me until the kids started calling me, “Old Expendable”…

And sometime during the third and fourth week, we got our amended orders, which nailed us in-place for a period of time “not to exceed 279 days.” I promptly sent out the following e-mail…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


There will be a written examination as the culmination of the SFOR-10 rotation experience. Since there will be no time available to conduct a review of the subject material, you will find a representative sample of the examination below. A passing grade will entitle the you to receive your choice of either two college credits from the University of Maryland (Eagle Campus) or one boarding pass on a military aircraft departing Tuzla on the day that you *thought* you were supposed to be leaving…

Sample SFOR-10 Qualifying Examination

Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit: four hours.

· General Knowledge: Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective, specific and concise.

· World History: Describe the evolution of all major religions from their earliest known origins to the present day. You may substitute Zoroastrianism for any other contemporary fire-worshipping Indo-European religion. Prove which is the one true religion in a manner that will convince everyone else.

· Combat LifeSaving: You will be given a double-edged razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of muscatel. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been examined by a proctor. You will have 15 minutes to complete the operation.

· Public Speaking: 2,500 fire-worshipping, gauze-clad muscatel drinkers armed with double-edged razor blades will storm into your classroom as soon as you have finished reading this. Calm them using any ancient language except Demotic Egyptian or Mycenaean Greek. Do not use passive voice.

· Biology: Create life. Estimate the subsequent differences in the rise of human culture if this life-form had developed 500 million years ago, giving special emphasis to the effects on the next Presidential election in Peru. Prove who will win and why.

· Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and accompany yourself with flugelhorn and drum. You will find a piano in the middle drawer of your desk.

· Psychology: Evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following individuals: Alexander the Great, Amenhotep II, Gregory of Nicosia, Joan of Arc and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with at least three quotations from each person's work, cross-referencing as appropriate. It is not necessary to translate.

· Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a 1/32nd-scale experiment to test your theory.

· Political Science: You will be given a two-Euro coin. Proceed to the nearest pay phone and start World War III. Report on its socio-economic consequences, if any.

· Management Science: Define both management and science and their intrinsic relationship with the works of J.R.R. Tolkein and H.P. Lovecraft. Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm onto an Apple MacIntosh. Use only those applications found in DOS 3.0.

· Engineering: You will find the disassembled parts of a Civil War-era Sharps rifle in various drawers of your desk. You will also find an instruction manual for making gunpowder, printed in Sanskrit. In 10 minutes, a hungry Kodiak bear will be admitted into your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision to PETA.

· Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the National Debt. Trace the possible effects on plate tectonics, the wave theory of light and the overcrowding of CB radio channels.

· Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

· Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Your answer must include an evaluation of the impact of the development of quantum mechanics and Boolian algebra, plus the possible effects of beta radiation on the Hubble telescope’s infrared imaging systems.

· Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of the other kinds of thought.

· Military History: Explain why the United States never lost a war in which the Army used mules.

· Extra Credit: Define the universe. Give three examples.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Geez -- even *I* didn't get higher than a B+...

by CW4BillT on Jul 20, 2005

July 19, 2005

Caption Contest!

This one is for Were-Kitten, who's having a rough week this week. But we finally found a tank in a color I think she'll like. I will say no more - have at it Denizens and Visitors!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

After playing here - go visit Cassandra and join in her greeting card contest!

by John on Jul 19, 2005

July 16, 2005

Rebecca's Kitchen

In support of Bill's post below, I offer this follow-up.

After Rebecca graduated from college (deliberately sans any MRS degree to go with her BA in Literature with a focus on Feminist Thought in Pre-Mayan Temple Carvings) she (understandably) discovered there was little commercial demand for experts in Feminist Thought in Pre-Mayan Temple Carvings, and with that 120K of student loans bearing down on her, found herself asking people if they'd "like fries with that." [Ah, now that's a sentence Bulwer-Lytton could sink his teeth into!]

Since her manager was a balding yet-otherwise-hairy fat man with bad teeth, thick glasses, and a shrewish wife plus he had delusions of grandeur that would make Walter Mitty proud, she always sought the safety and solitude of the rear window order-taking position. But... being a womyn of Passable Pulchritude®, Bad Manager with Wandering Hands kept scheduling her on the prep table, because he liked the view when she had to stretch across the table to get a knife or sweep away the trimmings. He really was a pervy little toad.

She would spend hours fantasizing that the various vegetables she was slicing were Bad Manager with Wandering Hands... Then came the day she imagined that the knife block was Bad Manager with Wandering Hands... and thus was born the idea that would make her #1 on Emily's List.

This is the first product of Rebecca's Kitchen and Teas, Inc.

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She's on her third stock split in two years.

by John on Jul 16, 2005

E-Mail Maunderings

This just in from one of my guttersnipe friends -- a *female* helicopter pilot, guys (in her flight suits, the 27” zipper has spandex side panels)…

I can’t vouch for the veracity of the tale, but I’ll submit it in the interest of maintaining my still-somewhat-shaky position as purveyor of comic relief around this place…

Hi, Bill!

Remember the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

(My instructions to the class:)

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

"As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

"Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my students, Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

Click on Extended Entry for the read. Rated PG-17.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by CW4BillT on Jul 16, 2005

July 13, 2005

Okay, since *someone's* panties are in a twist...

...and CAPT H provided some kewl new material anyway... here is some *Army* stuff for Mike, the sniveling whiner...

First up - Canadian Gunner Zen.

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Secondly, here are some interesting tidbits of Canadiana, provided by CAPT H, and relevant to the discussion of Canadian Military Transformation covered in this post (read the comments, they're illuminating).

The good Captain refuses to provide 1-11 and the others as he has not verified them. He submits these:

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

But ... ← (that's a link, Mike)

Yes... but!

If you'd like to see more of the Canadian LG #1 MkII featured above,

Click here, and here, and here, and here, and here.

All photos Canadian Ministry of Defense, I assume.

by John on Jul 13, 2005

July 12, 2005

Curiouser and curiouser...

Just an observation at o'dark thirty in the morning.

I've been somewhat intrigued by the increasing bleedover of military terminology (aka MilSpeak) into the civilian sector and vice versa; e.g., the elusive, grail-like "Six Sigma" (which has replaced "Zero Defects") -- a noble goal in manufacturing, say, an SUV, but an unrealistic one in such military pastimes as the Close Combat Course (that's why the ratio of instructors to trainees is "parity" -- to keep the mistakes manageable and, hopefully, non-fatal).

Yesterday I heard the buzzwords "Mission Statement" used in a commercial for, of all things, used cars.

I can guarantee that a military briefer will soon utter the phrase "product delivery" to describe either an airstrike or a combat assault.

Remember, you saw it here first...

by CW4BillT on Jul 12, 2005

July 11, 2005


Who *is* Freda Sorce and why do people care?

Okay - I know there is a Baltimore/Washington area talk show guy Don Geronimo of Don and Mike, who is married to a woman named Freda...

And someone using the name Freda Sorce left a comment on the Howard Dean blog once - suggesting Dean would pardon Saddam Hussein, that I highlighted as an example of why I was not interested in Dean.

But why have I gotten 800+ hits from Google today for "Freda Sorce"? What's making her special today?

Update. Never mind. I figured it out. She died in a car accident yesterday.

My condolences go out to all her family and friends, and those who listened to her on the show. And to people searching for information on her, there is none here, other than perhaps, she left a comment on Howard Dean's blog that caught my attention - if that was indeed her.

Literally, there is nothing to see here. And I'm sorry I'm getting the traffic for such a sad reason.

Requiescat im Pace

by John on Jul 11, 2005

July 06, 2005

Got Kids?

The birth of the latest BlogChylde reminded me of this one -- but I'll bet all parents can relate to it...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The boss needed to confer with his IT guy one Saturday morning about a suspected virus in the company’s server. He dialed the employee's home phone number and the following conversation ensued:

(child's whisper) "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?"

(child's whisper) "Yes."

"May I talk with him?"

(child's whisper) "No."

"Is your mommy home?”

(child's whisper) "Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

(child's whisper) "No."

"Is anybody else there?"

(child's whisper) "Yes, the policeman."

"May I speak with the policeman?"

(child's whisper) "No, he's busy."

"Busy doing what?"

(child's whisper) "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman."

With growing unease, the boss heard a distinctive whup-whup-whup through the earpiece on the phone, and asked, "What is that noise?"

(child's whisper) "A hello-coppater."

"What is going on there?"

(child's whisper) "The search team just landed the hello-coppater."

"What are they searching for?"

(child's whisper, with a muffled giggle) "Me."

by CW4BillT on Jul 06, 2005

July 05, 2005

The perils of self-diagnosis

A lovely young redhead enters the doctor's office and says that her entire body hurts -- touching it anywhere results in intense pain.

"That doesn't sound possible," says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her right index finger, pushes her left hand and screams.

She then pushes on her left elbow and cries in agony.

She pushes her right knee and wails; the same thing happens when she pushes her right ankle...

...everywhere she touches results in a scream of pain.

The doctor ponders a moment, then says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she admits, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger's broken."


Ooops--major strategic error! I totally forgot about ALa and weaponry! *scrambling for k-pot and body armor*

by CW4BillT on Jul 05, 2005

July 04, 2005


Click here.

by John on Jul 04, 2005

July 03, 2005

New Force Structure.

This will be new to somebody...

Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, South Carolina, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over shortly.

H/t, Dave M.

by John on Jul 03, 2005
» Red State Rant links with: Independence Day reading

July 02, 2005

Caption Contest!

We here at Castle Argghhh! hope you are having a good time this 4th of July weekend. Bill has hit the road, and I'm about to - I don't know what Dusty is up to this weekend. I'm off to visit family today and tomorrow. Taking the laptop... but who knows?

This is a Party Thread for any denizens and visitors who wanna play. Just behave, and don't make the PG-17c too twitchy!

Here's a pic to caption:

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I'll start you off:

The Air Force reveals it's new campaign to appeal to Metrosexuals with it's first ad in Maxim! "Dude - You're cleared in hot! Squeeze that pickle!"

And now, a little video.

Be safe this weekend... and if you are out playing with fireworks... pay attention to the bursting radius!

Belated H/t to ChillyWilly for the pic - aggressive email management caused me to delete after I saved the pic... and of course promptly forgot who sent it!

by John on Jul 02, 2005

June 29, 2005

Caption Contest

Figgered we're overdue for one.

Some things are just inherently funny.

Like tanks.

And REMF-reactions to them...

by CW4BillT on Jun 29, 2005

June 28, 2005

Heh. Just, heh.

Ted Kennedy's plan for Iraq.

Hat tip, Jim C.

In other news... Well, carp. On the plus side, you can see why Dusty joined the team, we think along similar lines, but with different approaches. On the minus side, bassid steals the post I built for tomorrow!

The proposed development, called "The Lost Liberty Hotel" will feature the "Just Desserts Café" and include a museum, open to the public, featuring a permanent exhibit on the loss of freedom in America. Instead of a Gideon's Bible each guest will receive a free copy of Ayn Rand's novel "Atlas Shrugged."

And heh, again.

Hat tip, Mike L, anyway!

I'll replace it with this thought and data blurb. Some of the drumbeat amongst the anti-war and wobbly politicos on this side of the water has been about setting a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. Which, I believe, is *exactly* the wrong approach, for lots of reasons.

The better model, I believe, is setting conditions for withdrawal. Essentially the Northern Ireland model. It's no coincidence or accident that the Iraqis, Brits and the US are talking to the insurgents. Unless we're willing to kill 'em all (not likely, and Not a Good Idea, anyway), they *have* to be brought into the process - and in order to get them into the process, you have to address at least *some* of their concerns. Then you can drive wedges into the insurgency, and start to bring some of 'em to the table... and the hard core, well, they just get more and more isolated. In the end, that is an issue that the Iraqis will have to settle.

So, set conditions - something like this list below - and we aren't there yet -but it's a point of departure and discussion. This is from the official daily email the Army sends out to leaders (and anyone, like me, who wants to subscribe to it via Army Knowledge Online).

As I noted in my first post of the day - we didn't build a functioning government in a year after we won the Revolution, gee, surprise, neither have the Iraqis. But there *is* progress... and we *are* trying other paths than just shooting everybody, regardless of what the anti-war left, and wobbly right-wingers think.


One year ago today, sovereignty was returned to Iraq and its people. The Coalition Provisional Authority was dissolved and leadership was handed over to an interim Iraqi government. Over the past year, Iraq has seen many successes in its development, despite the continuous attacks and violence.

As stated by the Department of Defense, there are four key components which are vital to continued success. Each of the four are listed below with examples of successes.

1. A secure environment free of the threats posed by insurgents, extremists and others who aim to disrupt progress.
* Coalition and Iraqi operations are disrupting terrorist sanctuaries, such as Fallujah, and keeping them on the run.
* In less than a year, Iraqi Regular Army and Intervention Forces grew from one operational battalion in July 2004 to 107 operational battalions in June 2005.
* Seven basic police academies are now operational; together, they train over 3,500 new police officers from the 8-week course each month.
* Thirteen provincial SWAT teams have been trained and equipped. Three more teams are in training, and seven more are scheduled to complete training by August 2005.

2. A representative government with its associated government institutions in place.
* The National Assembly was elected and seated in Aug 2004.
* More than 8 million people defied terrorist threats and voted in the January election.
* The Transitional National Assembly met for the first time on March 16, 2005, and Iraq's Transitional Government leaders were sworn in May 4, 2005.
* The elected leaders are drafting a constitution, which Iraqis will vote on by October 15.
* Under the new constitution, a permanent government will be elected on December 15.

3. Improved infrastructure and economic opportunity that gives the Iraqi people essential services such as electricity and water, as well as the jobs necessary to provide for their families.
* The Baghdad Stock Exchange opened for trading on June 24, 2004.
* At the New Iraqi Dinar (NID) auction June 20, the settlement price was 1,465 dinars per USD. Nineteen banks offered and sold a total of NID 67.92 billion ($46.36 million).
* On June 20, the Iraqi government announced that it had signed a bilateral agreement with Canada canceling $470 million of Iraq's debt, amounting to 80 percent of Canada's claims against Iraq.
* There have been 26,785 new Iraqi businesses established.
* A total of over 2,000 megawatts of power have been added to the grid (enough to service 5.4M Iraqi homes).
* The three major cell phone companies in Iraq continue to enroll new subscribers at healthy rates. As of June 15, there were 2,683,024 active cellular subscribers in Iraq.
* Construction is underway on 142 new primary health care facilities across Iraq.
* 3,105 schools have been renovated and another 950 schools are currently under rehabilitation.

4. A system of communications in which the Iraqis-not the coalition or international community-communicate their nation's goals and aspirations to the Iraqi people.
* Iraqi President Talabani met with more than 30 prominent individuals from the Diyala Province and confirmed that all Sunnis should be unified and participate in the next election. He called for the unity of all sects to have a successful political process.
* In June, Constitutional Dialogue program facilitators reached out to hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, encouraging them to discuss topics linked to the constitutional process while seeking their input for the TNA Constitutional Committee in charge of drafting the Iraq constitution.

Just sayin'

by John on Jun 28, 2005
» TacJammer links with: Getting Out

June 18, 2005

Saturday Olio

First up - SWWBO's The Carnival of the Recipes is up, hosted by Michele of Meanderings!

MCart buried this in the comments of the party thread - but it's too good for this former Dungeon Master to not put on the front page. This *is* the Castle, after all!

Gotta admit - the flight sim geek in me is drawn to this car...

Castle Adjutant Barb is turning into quite the journo!

Kat, the Kastle Philosopher is reading other people's mail again...

Punctilious has a Raven 42 roundup.

Cassie is *on a roll* as ever. She really should start shopping that stuff to magazines.

Over at Alan's - Beware the Luxembourger!

Snarkatron approaches the same topic Cassie does... from a different angle.

AFSis jumps in on the subject of Boobs. For that matter, so does ALa. There. That should send some traffic their way. Yes, guys, breasts. No tricks. heh. That cleared the room fast. So, ladies, now that the gents are gone, let's continue, eh?

Castle Contrarian Jack has been taking advantage of his work in France to do some traveling. This time - Prague.

SGT B is having a garage sale. Apparently at the Firebase, the nuts don't fall far from the tree...

Ry sent along this *very* interesting article for you guys and gals who have to carry rifles - and especially ones who wonder just how the heck we're gonna get rid of all the cables we're fiddling with now regarding digitizing weapons. This is one approach.

Some historical notes from the day:

1945 Lt Gen Simon B Buckner, Commander, Tenth Army, KIA, Okinawa. There have been only *two* Lieutenant Generals of US Forces killed in combat. Can anyone name the other one? If no one gets it - I'll provide the answer later. And how many among you knew that over half the combat troops at Okinawa were Army, and that an Army General commanded the ground forces?

1538 Treaty of Nice: "Peace" between Holy Roman Emperor Charles V & Francis I of France. Not this one... Forget proper French pronunciation - The Treaty of Nice for ending a war tickles me like the Diet of Worms does for a governing body.
1812 War of 1812: US declares war against Britain. Nyah nyah! You lost! We bored you to death.
1815 Battle of Waterloo: Napoleon defeated by Wellington & Blucher. The Castle collection includes shell fragments recovered from the area of La Haye Sainte.
1940 Winston Churchill says "this was their finest hour" Wotta man, was Winnie!

by John on Jun 18, 2005
» Random Fate links with: Tell them

June 17, 2005


Just, heh.

Those who know, know.

by John on Jun 17, 2005

June 13, 2005

Inside Denizen Joke Post with Consolation Prize.

SWWBO's travel travails hopefully over, this morning's posting plan was uprooted due to unanticipated airport delivery requirements, hence little of value on offer (Quiet you! You too! Oh, all of you just shut up!).

So, based on the discussions in comments on CW4(R)BT's "Ratz" post - I decided to run with the Doghouse theme therein (hence the Denizen Insider tag)

Consolation Prize up front. Here - peruse one of my photo albums.

For the rest, a slightly naughty musical interlude... dedicated to Were-Kitten and Bill, who are trying to furnish their doghouse... hiding behind the curtain in the extended post...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jun 13, 2005

June 12, 2005


First - ain't this a beautiful picture of Fort Monroe? Think about the feeding frenzy for those water-front homes when Monroe closes... that thing in the way is some new airplane or something.

OVER VIRGINIA -- Lt. Col. James Hecker flies over Fort Monroe before delivering the first operational F/A-22 Raptor to its permanent home at Langley Air Force Base, Va., on May 12. This is the first of 26 Raptors to be delivered to the 27th Fighter Squadron. (U.S. Air Force photo by Tech. Sgt. Ben Bloker)

If you really wanna study the Fort or those quarters - or that thing spoiling the view - click here. (dial ups - be patient, it's *big*)

I see that the Pencil-necked, Sunken-chested Auld Aviator Geek Bill the Rotorhead finally bestirred himself (or KTLW is alseep) to pull his feathermerchant weight around here. (Did I get 'em all, Bill?) Now if we get Dusty to post today... a trifecta!

Having survived yesterday's slavery (WonderWife® v3.0 only uses the whip to point of welting, BlunderWife® V2.0 always, as she called it, "Went for the Ivory" and laid me open to the bone) and schlepped laundry and vacuumed, and picked up, and washed some glass... tabletop - I dont do Windows® - and then furniture shopping... I was rewarded with a joke! The Denizennes will like it, I'm sure - especially the eld(er) Denizennes (Cassie at Villainous Company, anyone? Here's yer trivet back... ziinnnnnng!) for whom gravity is truly a Force of Nature. For you delicate types - I've placed it behind the curtain. Now I think I'll go have a beer with Alan, Sergeant B (hey, Barb and Sergeant B scored Blackfive!), and Jack.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Jun 12, 2005

June 09, 2005

Frog Fighter Pilot Watch -or- Test Question: "Who takes war more seriously?...

This is Combat Edge...the US's answer to G-LOC (G-induced Loss of Consciousness).

This is the French version. I thnk they should stick to the Airbus flight envelope--matches their Warrior Ethos.

HT: The Corner

by Dusty on Jun 09, 2005

June 07, 2005

A little bit of this, that, and a return to blogroots.

Since the sailors didn't seem interested... here's a link to an article about the Battle of Midway... Pictures from the Battle of Midway

Oops. Spanked.

John- Guess you still haven't found my Midway post from June 3 or CDR Salamander's from June 2 here. We Navy guys don't miss much, and Midway was one of the greatest sea victories of all time, although even the Air Corps got involved by attempting to bomb the Japanese fleet with B-17's...


Did someone say B-17s bombing?

And, Leagle, go *that* far back? Into the Archives? Geez, dude, blogs! We're blogs! If it ain't on the front page, it doesn't exist, except via Google! Or some such weak excuse, anyway.

Staff Officers, Commanders, Project Managers, CEOs, CIOs, IT Admin types, helk, just about anyone anywhere everywhere who haven't already seen this elsewhere and who has ever been in an organization of more than 20 people (and some with less) will appreciate this requirements brief. Some caveats - it's a powerpoint show, and if you believe that any Microsoft Product via the Internet is the Embodiment of Evil - don't download it. If you have sensitive ears, don't bother, as it's only funny with the sound on - but it is *chock full* of NOT WORK SAFE language. Earphones recommended, or low sound. Unless, like me, everyone in your local cube farm sends you stuff like this all the time anyway... including your corporate and government bosses....

With those warnings out of the way - Requirements Brief.

Just cuz' I'm feeling mean - I've got one and you don't! Now to sit back and see who in the readership trumps me and how long it takes... toys you use at work count, if you can use 'em for your own stuff...

Come to think of it - I bet you don't have this, either. A tabletop full of WWI grenades.

What the heck, let's roll with this. How about some old IEDs?

Left, Polish grenade from the Warsaw Uprising. Right, german concrete 'stock' mine. The cylinder in the middle is an original wax paper wrapper and label for the TNT charge that was inserted into the stock mine.

Here's another pic showing the bottom of the stock mine. The hole is where the TNT went, and usually (but not always) a wooden stake. Stock mines were commonly used as booby traps. They were made of concrete, many times with ball bearings embedded to improve fragmentation effects. They could accept a variety of fuzes, this one having a booby-trap pull fuze.

The Polish Home Army hand grenade was made with a pre-war Polish fuze, and whatever materials and explosive filler was at hand. This is a heavy sucker - definately for defensive use (i.e., thrown from cover).

All inert, of course! No placards at the Castle. We keep all that stuff over at the Firebase (but don't tell SGT B).

Snerk! I mean, like, y'know, everybody at DU *knows* that the BushChimp is an idiot, right? His grades at Yale prove it, right? Hee hee hee. Under the Yale system, Bush had a 77 (through his junior year, after which the scale changed). His oh-so-bright opponent? 76. Perhaps that's why Kerry didn't want his records released, as his transcript is a part of his records. I personally don't get that wrapped around grades. Of course not - mine, for my undergrad work, aren't a heckuvalot better. But I *test* well!

Another article on his records is here. For the moment, I guess we're going to have to trust the Globe that there are no new revelations (I was interested in the paperwork regarding his discharge) and take that at face value. If we've got any readers who were Naval officers of the period, I'd be interested in an opinion on the wording of the recommendations that the Globe quotes. In the Army, as I'm sure is true of all the Services, we have code phrases that allow us to 'damn with faint praise" but still sound nice. "One of the most outstanding junior officers I have served with" could mean, "he's fine, promote him with the others," while "One of the most outstanding officers I have served with," means "Promote Yesterday," with 'junior' being the code word to mean, "good kid, needs seasoning." I'd be interested in the take on that aspect of Kerry's reports.

Given what is thus far reportedly in the records, I'd say Kerry should have rolled with the punch about his grades and released 'em during the campaign. But mebbe I'm missing something, with my tin political ear. It wouldn't have helped him with me - he still fails the 'leaving combat early' test.

Michelle Malkin has more.

For a Lieutenant of the '80s, this is an interesting read. Any Russians at Graf during my time over there would have meant the 79th ITB had turned me and my guys into hamburger...

Changing subjects again, I've had chats with Wilcox (and, indeed, have published his brief on this site with his permission -right click, open in new window). Those of you who are 4th Gen Warfare fans will enjoy this article. The fight continues.

by John on Jun 07, 2005
» Cadillac Tight links with: Russians at Graf!

June 06, 2005

Hey! Pity party!

Key Monroe is in an attention-tart mood. (She's also a hoot!)

So, how about *all* of us (you too, lurkers, just make up some data to fill out the fields - but don't be mean!) go over and leave her comments. Lots and lots of comments. Like a Castle Comment party, only if all of you play, the Regulars won't have to put in quite as much effort, eh? So, how 'bout you Reservists putting in some time in this comment-swarm?

And what the heck, how about you bloggers link to her, too? Just to start a blog-swarm on her?

C'mon, what else ya got to do?

by John on Jun 06, 2005
» Cadillac Tight links with: I'm up way too late
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Key to the party
» The Gun Line links with: Pity Party!
» Key Issues links with: John Schools Key Australian Style

June 03, 2005

Dusty Lives!

While my troll didn't get him to post, he sent along some illumination regarding the Kosovo Video.

Dusty lives - he's just working hard and getting ready for some hefty life changes.

Instapilot Sends:

I guess not everyone appreciated this little video by the Norwegian soldiers.

I found this after a google search on the movie name.

Statement by the Ambassador of Norway, Hans Ola Urstad

"The Norwegian Ministry of Defence has stated that the matter is being urgently looked into to verify that the soldiers in the video-clip really are Norwegian, and if so to establish their identities. Disciplinary measures will then have to be considered.

As Ambassador to Serbia and Montenegro, I should like to state the following,

If Norwegian KFOR-soldiers, who were in Kosovo on a peace mission to i.a. protect all minorities really have done this, I apologise deeply to all offended by it.

I see this most unfortunate episode as highly regrettable, and sincerely hope that such a lamentable incident may not do serious harm to the long standing and deep friendship between Serbia and Montenegro and Norway."

My reaction? "To His Excellency Mr. Urstad: BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"


by John on Jun 03, 2005
» The Glittering Eye links with: Day Book, June 6, 2005


Denizennes, Report!

by John on Jun 03, 2005
» The Gun Line links with: Denizens, REPORT!

June 01, 2005

Trolling for Dusty.

Dusty has been AWOL for a while... let's see if this will lure him out of lurking...

Aircraft Maintenance (Monkey)

The Chief Master Sergeant (CMSgt) from the local airbase walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please." The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the CMSgt,saying, "That'll be $5,000." The CMSgt paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test; perform the duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.

The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot... "

Mmmmm, AC130!

Hi-res, click here.

by John on Jun 01, 2005
» Cowboy Blob's Saloon links with: In Jam Mode, No One Can Hear You Scream

May 28, 2005

SWWBO has assumed a new duty.

Safety Officer. She Who Will Be Obeyed is now in charge of locking up all sharp, pointy things. Cassandra has been delegated to act in her absence (which really means Cassandra will be in charge alla time).

I'm only allowed to use elementary school scissors Correction: plastic knives like you get at airports. No scissors. I run with them.


In unrelated news... Mmmmmm! 15 inch Rodmans (also known as Columbiads) In barbette mounts of the Third System of Coast Defense of the US. While the Columbiads were developed during the Civil War, most of the ones you see around the country are in Third System mounts. The Castle Adjutant notwithstanding (you'd have to ask the hubster about *that* Barbette mounting) a barbette mount is essentially a nose-pivot, originally designed to allow easy traverse and firing from within a fort, firing through an embrasure. The utility of the barbette in open parapet mounts like this is the service of the piece. Since they are muzzle-loaded, keeping the muzzle in the same general place simplifies and speeds up crew drill in loading.

Hi-res here.

This pic was emailed to me with no further explanation, anybody know where these two monsters are?

by John on May 28, 2005
» Villainous Company links with: The Unkindest Cut Of All...

May 26, 2005

I've been in internet hell today...

So, maybe this will post, maybe not!

Why didn't I spend a lot of electrons on the Women in Combat thing? I never thought the bill would pass. For once, on something political, I was right.

Advice for the day:

Given some of the discussion on the Ersatz Tiger below - does anyone know which museum has this one? Bovington, St Cyr, Tankograd? It's an 11meg video, dial-up users should right-click and save-as.

Next, we have this - a pdf of an alleged Terrorist Sniper Training Manual that was pulled off of a terrorist website by a government civilian and made into a PowerPoint presentation, which he then sent to several websites (not us, different sourcing) as a service to the troops.

I have a different take on this. With it's focus on Geneva Convention issues, and seeming solicitous concern for collateral damage... this is an agitprop piece, not a training manual. While many of the things in this bit *are* useful considerations for the sniper... *I* do not believe this is anything other than a propaganda piece. But I made it into a pdf for your viewing pleasure, anyway.

Click Here.

Update - upon rereading (and Ry's comment), I'm being unclear. I think this is propaganda from the jihadi side, for western consumption. The use of agitprop was inapt.

The charges against LT Pantano have been dropped. Looks like justice was served here, even if LT Pantano might justifiably feel a little chewed up and spit out.

The Distaff side speaks out - For Love and Country.

by John on May 26, 2005

May 25, 2005


First - Bad Cat Robot sends this, claiming it to be the new Canadian Aircraft Carrier in final prep before transiting the Straits of Juan de Fuca:

The TWX was broken. Here's the text that finally came with the photo...

Canada, the leading non-violent 3rd world dictatorship, may soon lose its coveted status in the UN as one of the ‘nice countries’ who cowed to the terrorists in recent years. Canada is apparently getting serious about it’s expanding role in defense of the Great Lakes, and may even venture into some rivers, as long as the First Nations council allows them.

Unbeknownst to many outside the circle of enthusiasts of the Military Trivial Pursuit board game, the CDN Ministry of Silly Walks, er, Defense, has secretly purchased a new aircraft carrier, and christened her the HMCS Jean Crétien, in honor of the former Prime Minister. The funds for this purchase were apparently made available through something known as the ‘Sponsorship Deal’.

The following surveillance photo was shot last week in B.C. waters, showing the HMCS Jean Crétien carrying Canada’s newest secret four-engined Short Takeoff and Landing (STOL) maritime patrol aircraft.

Heh. May get some grief from the Brigaded Blogs! I'm *sure* I'm gonna get snarked by CAPT H, and bombarded from the North with links to *Silly US Military Ideas*... Bring it on!


Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

Check the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry...

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on May 25, 2005
» Airborne Combat Engineer links with: First photo of Canada's aircraft carrier
» Blog o'RAM links with: As A Concerned Parent
» Quotulatiousness links with: New class of ships?

May 18, 2005

Caption Contest! And other fun...

Item the First:

C'mon Denizens (and lurkers) this is a theme you can run with!

Get creative!

But I should note, the Master of Castle Argghhh! *has* hair, just in case you were thinking...

Item the 2nd: Just in case you hadn't seen this via Instapundit and elsewhere... NATO in Action! Hat tip to CAPT H and Rich B (I don't read the Insta-man, he stubbornly refuses to link, even to quality stuff! Sniff!)

Item the Third, a Joke!

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At around 1:00 in the morning, he leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea," he exclaimed..

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damned blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

That is all. Back on your heads.

by John on May 18, 2005
» Brain Shavings links with: Spoof of "Kokomo"

April 25, 2005

Midnight maundering

I just got a letter from one of my RVN buds who now lives in Burlington (yup--there are conservatives in Vermont. I know both of them). He sez:

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole “Venus and Mars” thing. And I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.

For example: one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "Huh? What was that?" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am, and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at [insert name of large unnamed department store]. I walked around with her while she tried on several different (and very expensive) outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her, “We'll just buy them all.”

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Just get a pair for each outfit.”

We went onto the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was excited, even though she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet -- she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was definitely excited. She finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank. Her jaw dropped and she said, “Huh? "WHAT?!?"

I said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she started to look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am, and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight, either…

And, for having had the unmitigated temerity to laugh my fool head off when I read it, neither am I...

by CW4BillT on Apr 25, 2005
» uruloki's lair links with: Satisfying needs

April 22, 2005

Mawnin' in N'awlins

Otay. While we're out at Drago's for some fine charbroiled oysters (I'm not a seafood fan generally, but my interests just expanded!) and decent Margaritas, with SWWBO having softshell crab, and I had drunk-on-tequila shrimp (the shrimp, not me), topped off with daiquiris from one of the drive-through daquiri places that dot the landscape 'round here (gotta promise to *not* insert the straw until you get home) and then back to the hotel for monkeysex quality time - I find all y'all hosted the First (and probably only) Bad Poetry Bash!

Funny stuff, really!

JMH soils my inbox pointing out it's Not-Obeserved-At-The-Castle Earth Day today. Go spray insecticide or something.

Then I see the Squid Lawyer over at Eaglespeak tracked his black shoes through the Castle.

So, sailor - you feel like Crocodile Dundee, "You call that a knife?"

Hee! This is too easy, dude. Why you bring a knife to a gunfight?

1. Who's your daddy now, boy? Know where those big guns came from? Watervliet Arsenal, New York, courtesy of the United States Army...

Hi-res, click here and here or, here even!

The sailor might be surprised to find out that back in the day, there were almost as many Army 16-inch guns in operation as Navy - and the current inventory of guns in service is exactly equal... and when comparing gun size, last I checked, 155mm was bigger'n a 5incher... by about 30mm. Ask any girl - an *inch* makes a difference... especially in diameter!

Just sayin', y'know?

Heck, sailor - we even had 14inchers in turrets...

Not to mention the Railway Guns.

#82, Sailor. #82.

by John on Apr 22, 2005
» Quotulatiousness links with: N'Awlins Memories

April 20, 2005

With Denizen Status....

...comes responsiblity. Like any good quasi-military organization, we have administrivia and an administrator for same. The following has been brought to my attention:


TO: J Donovan, Armorer, Commanding, Castle Argghhh!
FROM: B Way, Adjutant
RE: Roster and Personnel records


You asked for a status on the Roster and Personnel project. I regret to report that I have been unable to provide the final report due to the lack of natal day intel for various denizens. I have made direct appeals to those who are non-compliant, which filled in several spots, but I am still missing 4 or 5.

In one case of deliberate insubordination, a certain individual did NOT provided the requested information through the proper channels, but has published it improperly in an unsecured Public Forum.

I therefore have to request an extension of the due date for the final report.

B Way

Get with the program, or I will cry "Havoc!" and let slip the Scrup'ls of Argghhh! That or I'll set Punctilious on you. I've *seen* how she handles children. You people would be easy.

by John on Apr 20, 2005

April 16, 2005

For the Denizens...

Delivery today. The PG-17 managed to stumble over and dazedly sign for it. Right now it's wandering around humming some sea shanty...

Bad Cat Robotics Laboratory, Ltd.
Product Number: XP7002598
Production Type: Custom
Product Name: Custom Personal Chandelier
Customer: Were-Kitten

-Exterior: cut crystal drops, high-density laser-reflective
-Interior: top-grain Moroccan leather (customer color choice:____________)
-Propulsion/Steering: Experimental Anti-gravity Node #27, quick-response steering package, alternate/backup flight controls (tail, felinoid)

Additional Features:
-Cloaking Mode (NOTE: experimental! Will not work if doused in chocolate or other opaque material)
-2 mounted high-velocity water pistols with hot-switchable tanks (provided: distilled water, cheap cologne)
-Propulsion Automodes: Oscillation, Gentle Rocking, Random High-Speed (evasive), Target Tracking (requires GPS or transponder signal)
-Temperature-regulated chocolate storage locker.

In other news, Countertop Chronicles is hosting this week's Carnival of the Recipes! If you are wondering what this is - hit She Who Invented It and check out her sidebar!

by John on Apr 16, 2005

April 15, 2005

Just Sayin'...

Update: Castle Philosopher Kat scores a radio plug!

We return you to your previously scheduled joke:

Heh. Dbie the AFSister's posted a cute joke.

Here's the prequel:

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license it is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Those Who Know, know...

[*PG-17 rating cowering in corner, glancing about fearfully*]

by CW4BillT on Apr 15, 2005

April 14, 2005

Vive la Difference!

People always ask me what the difference is between a Warrant Officer and an RLO (Real, Live Officer).

Here's the traditional answer:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted another man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a Warrant Officer," said the balloonist.

"I am," he replied. "How did you know?"

"Because," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help so far."

The Warrant responded, "You must be an RLO."

"I am," he replied, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the Warrant, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. And you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my fault."


by CW4BillT on Apr 14, 2005

April 08, 2005

Pics for your perusal.

I'm busier than the proverbial paper-hanger today, so here's a quick bit to amuse (and thanks to the Denizens and readers who provided some of these!)

1. SangerM provides a photograph of a horrible, if work-safe, disaster site. Of this group, Cricket might remain unmoved.

2. I don't think this is what the Squadron Commander had in mind when he told the IP to "Light a fire under his tail!" with that new guy.

by John on Apr 08, 2005

April 07, 2005


Random thoughts while recovering from oral surgery...

It's amazing how much a periodontist can do in such a small space...and only 2mm from the mandibular nerve. OK, maybe my mouth isn't THAT small a space (or so my wife and friends say), but still...and I didn't know you could have so much local anesthetic that the top of your ear goes numb, but there you have it...

The Wall Street Journal saying Sandy Berger is being treated pretty much fairly, given the "circumstances," is like listening to Bill O'Reilly talk about border security. Translation: You guys are looking incredibly stupid to people who deal with this stuff for a living.

Morton Kondracke, who normally gives me the impression he's one of the few liberals (notice I didn't say leftist) who tries gamely to be intellectualy honest, committed a few howlers when commenting on the Pope's "failures" vis-a-vis women, gay marriage, etc. So, the Pope dropped the ball as the leader of the Catholic Church for Being. A. Good. Catholic?

...and finally, something from my sadistic brother-in-law who sends me this the day a dentist puts a hole in my jaw the size and shape of a 9mm wadcutter slug...

Terror Alert in France

AP and UPI reported that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.


by Dusty on Apr 07, 2005
» Thompsonian links with: Terror Level Raised!
» links with: This just in...

April 05, 2005

Attention to Orders!

The Adjutant reminds me that today is the Natal Day of Loyal Denizen and wandering weapon-disassembler (and *always* with parts left over if I let him reassemble them!) JustThisGuy.

Happy Birthday, Dude!

The bar is open.


While yer here - check out this denizen-fodder:

AFSis, guesting at Blonde Sagacity.

Hmmmm. *Someone* has been holding out on me. Yer in trouble, when Bad Cat shows up with the Spank-o-matic machine...

Oho! And when she *shows up* this person can get whacked too!

*Murderous looks all 'round*

*Severe Grumpy Attack*

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Apr 05, 2005
» CDR Salamander links with: MILBLOGGER Photofest

April 01, 2005

Interview Game.

Spd Rdr of The Ebb and Flow Institute submits the following (cuz I had fun here):

Okay, John, thanks for being a good sport. Here's your questions.

The first one's a softball:

1. 9mm or 45 ACP? Why?

>45ACP. I like the knock-down power and feel of the .45. Other people's mileage vary, and they can back up their feelings with numbers, too. Doesn't change my mind. Article of faith and some minor experience. Nothing I ever shot with a .45 got back up to annoy me. Not true of the 9mm. Of course, now that I've converted to Bradyism, I don't touch guns anymore.

2. In your opinion, who was history's greatest General/Admiral? Why him?
You do know people write books to answer this question? Belisarius. Doing a lot, with not enough, and always knowing that if he was too good, his boss would find a way to kill him, yet if he failed, civilization as he knew it would be destroyed. Yet still he served loyally. I just like his style. Not really competent to answer about Admiral... but always liked Sir Francis Drake. The whole Armada thing. Of course, it's always nice when your enemy is an idiot.

3. Your favorite nephew has just informed you that he is marrying a girl that you don't really like, and he's doing it on Superbowl Sunday. You just won two tickets to that very game.
What do you do?

>Give the tickets to the nephew, precipitate first marital crisis. Heheheheheheh. I could care less about the Superbowl, World Series, Ryder Cup, Stanley Cup, NBA Playoffs, etc. Too much other stuff to do than get tied to the tube watching overpaid people perform. Don't grudge 'em a dime. They don't tax me for their money. Their teams do - for their venues, but, that's just another reason I don't live *in* the KC metro area... I will watch the Olympics, though I prefer the Winter to the Summer.

4. How many times does it take your wife to say "no" before you take that for an answer? Did you just lie?

>1. No. Problem is keeping her to keep to the "no," which she really doesn't say very often, anyway. Except to the dogs.

5. What is the one occupation that you've always wanted to try but never did (assuming that your body could still take the abuse). Why?

>Aviator. Astronaut. As a pilot. 'Cuz they're cool, and generally sleep on cots, or better.

Have fun, buddy!

spd rdr

Heh. Except for number 2, they were whiffle-balls.

Update: Whee! Scored the Corner! Still got the Mojo!Er, disregard. *hand wave* There's nothing to see here. No out-of-characterness here! *hand wave* Move along!

Update the Second. Carnival of the Recipes!

by John on Apr 01, 2005

G-o-o-o-d Morning, All

Okay, my Cricket impersonation is nowhere near as good as my Tom Selleck, but here goes...

[*a-hem* *chirp*] [*flawless cricket*] Good morning, all! Brekkies will be served in continuous seating by your wait-scruple. Mimosas for starters, made with a charming asti left over from the party last--ummm--week, was it?--artfully mixed with freshly-defrosted jus à l'orange, garnished with marshmallows that Were-Kitty found stuck to her--um--oh, dear.

Never mind.

Oh. And decorated with festive white mini-umbrellas hand crafted by Fuzzybear Lioness (take a bow, o serene one!) from some latex balloons she found behind the red couch in the library where she hides from Neffi.

Your appetizer will consist of eggs Benedict served on oat bran muffins, so they're actually heart-healthy! These specially-procured bedoodlewhoopie eggs...*?*... [*reverts to normal reverberant baritone*] Punctilious, darlin', where did you say you got those eggs? Bedoodlewhoopies are marsupials, hon, they don't--the sub-basement??! Oh, geez, when? Uhhh...okay, scruples, another round of mimosas and don't forget the rubb--uhhhh--mmmmmbrellas...I gotta go mend a fence. Oh, man--that's gotta be one torqued Komodo dragon...

Geez, Punctilious, chickens have feathers f'gosh, no, no--I'll go down first...drat.

by CW4BillT on Apr 01, 2005

Surreptitiously acquired AAR.

Regular readers know that the Armorer finds Bill the Rotorhead's flight safety stories bemusing - because they are all in the first person. This would indicate that Bill is perhaps, well, a *lucky* pilot. Or something else.

It's something else. There has been a horrific price to pay. A Castle Argghhh! TINS Productions, Special Report:

To: Mortal Plane Command, Guardian Angel Rapid Deployment Base ARCHON Re: AAR- Tuttle Squad, [date redacted]

Relief Commander Tertius sends:

1. Current Squad Status:
ANG1C Dolorius - severe wing sprain, slight loss of sanctity (doubting
wisdom of Command). Unable to resume duties.
ANGSPC Effluvius - MIA. Last seen holding on rotor of Tuttle's
helicopter with bare hands.
ANGSPC Malodorus - minor wing sprain, 30% loss of feathers, currently undergoing gravel removal surgery at Celestial General Hospital. Has requested transfer to war zone "for rest and recuperation".
ANGMSG Carborundum - severe loss of sanctity (profanity, rude gestures, anatomically implausible suggestions sent to Command).
Mental Health reports slight progress using thorazine and stuffed
animals. Unable to resume duties.
ANG1LT Excelsius - 20% loss of feathers, structural damage to halo,
shell shock. Recommend light duty where unlikely to experience sudden loud noises.

2.Squad Activity: during the 24 hour duty cycle, squad successfully defended against the following

a) Suicide Bird attacks
b) gremlins
c) Maint. crew errors
d) meteors
e) High-energy cosmic rays
f) rain of frogs
g) REE (Random Entropy Events, e.g. "Jesus Nut" loss)

[details redacted]

3. Recommendations:
a) Duty cycle reduced to 12 hours or less
b) Emergency Interceptor Teams on call for high-speed incidents
c) If 24 hour duty cycle retained, 2 or more squads for this human. We just can't keep up!
d) Issue improved Shield of Righteousness to Angels given first-contact roles
e) hazardous duty bonus increase

So. Now we know the cost. I hope the end result is worth the price they are paying.

(rubbing head)

(raspy whisper)

"The horror... the horror..."

Many bedoodlewhoopies died to get this information. They literally had to go through Hell to get to the MPC. BCR barely escaped with her chassis!

Hat tip to Bad Cat Robot for providing this vital information!

by John on Apr 01, 2005

March 30, 2005

Castle Jobs

"Lessee," *rustle of paper on clipboard* "where's the duty roster?"

"Ah, yes, here we go."

*runs finger down list*

The Armorer - Master and Figurehead
SWWBO - Mistress and Commander
Dusty - Chief, Air Ops.
Bill - Chief, Rotary Wing, add'l duty: Scrup'l Master and Emcee
Punctilious - Bedoodlewhoopie Mistress
Neffi - Chief, Fixed Wing and Devilish Rake, add'l duty - Margaritamatic Maint.
Cricket - Chef
Were-Kitten - Chief, Entertainment Divsion, add'l duty: Flirt (see FBL)
Sergeant B - Chief, Hvy Wpns Platoon, add'l duty, Chief, Security.
Bad Cat Robot - Chief, Xenobiology and Head Physicist - Catapult Crew Chief
FuzzyBear Lioness - Designated Flirt (to keep aviators outta trouble downtown)
Barb - Bartender add'l duty: Adjutant & a/c Crewman (Gunner)
Jack - Chief Contrarian
SangerM - CrewChief, add'l duty:Long Comment Compositing, Ass't Contrarian
Monteith - Chief, Motor Stables, add'l duty: Ass't Contrarian.
AFSis - Chief, Weapons Maintenance, add'l duty a/c Crewman (Gunner)
*sound of computer keys* *insert* *insert* *muttered sotto voce:"Dammit, Barb, the list was short!"*
Alan - Beer Consultant. add'l duty: Chief Canadian Contrarian.
CAPT H - Forces LNO add'l duty: Chief Snark. Fact Checker.
"There!" *back to list*
"Argghhh!!! Barb! HOWINAHELK DIDJA LET ME MISS MSG KEITH! Geez, he's like the only deployed member of the staff!"
MSG Keith - War Correspondent. add'l duty: Avoiding Purple Heart.
Bosquisucio - Unassigned Headum Scriptorum and Admiral of the Moat Fleet (not to be confused with the Motie Fleet, a far more dangerous thing). add'l duty: Ass't Chief, Security.

"Okay, izzat it? Did I miss anybody? If so, Barb's the Adjutant, personnel management is her responsiblity. Let her know"

"Carp! We did miss one. Sigh. It's hard, he's always wandering around the Arms Room, randomly dissassembling things - and there is *always* something left over!" Okay, okay, okay... *ponder ponder ponder* Nope, nothing's coming up yet. Barb! - Put JustThisGuy down as "Pending Assignment". And somebody get the locator collar on him. Sergeant B - have the computer keyed to track him and let us know if he's getting near anything breakable/dis-assemble-able, okay?"

"Okay folks, gather 'round. This is the new duty roster - any changes you need wanna make, get 'em to Barb - Barb, tidy 'em up and make recommendations - including for JTG."

"Most of you know I made Bosquisucio (BCR, WK - get this guy a good nick, wouldja? Too many vowels in there, send some to Bosnia) Head Latin Geek (What's that in Latin, anyway?). Based on further input, and the need for Moat Monster Management, I've reviewed resume's - and he's now Admiral of the Moat Fleet. Gottit everybody? Hey, Sanger - Pipe up, man! I can't hear the rocks rattling around in that melon of yours when you shake your head!"

"This is why the Admiral got the job. Mostly he sent me pictures of people shooting guns - but he had a good story, too. Here it is."

Behold the Moat Fleet:

Catching sight of that big happy pile of spent 40mm Cartridge Cases jogged my memory to a project I carried South of the Border.

Four years ago, we found good loving parents for a couple dozen Mk19's that we put up for adoption. During the post adoption phase, we did a visit to their new home to counsel the proud new parents on how to best rear these youngins. I am proud to report that with the attention that we instilled into their doting parents, our babies are sure to give back much warmth and love for years to come.

On our last day of counseling, we took our brood to cut their teeth at the range. Since there was no 2km Quarantined FanShaped Range to be found, we politely asked a nearby Cattle Ranch whether we could use their river bank. Their answer was of course yes. Our Escorts set up a couple Bed Sheets on the Bank, Shooed away the Cebu Cattle from the vicinity and pulled back to cover our flanks.

They were also there to cover our six, as the region is infested with
EvilDoers. They do love their SS77's. In any case, if they'd show-up, we had both HEDP's [High Explosive Dual Purpose, ed.] in the Cans, M14's on the racks, and an ungainly 40/70mm Bofors PeaShooter to back us up. Luck would have it, their only exertion was to prevent the Cebu Cattle from becoming Hamburger - GREAT DAY AT THE RANGE

Couple of funny things happened:

1- A couple of the gunners overcompensated for the displacing 15-pound bolt slamming forward, and elevated the muzzels too high. Instead of hitting the river bank, two of the HEDP's sailed clear over it and reported back 10 seconds latter on who knows what hill up yonder. We didn't hear back of our freshly purchased side of beef, so I guess that no bovines were hurt.

2- Since we were at the very end of the logistical train, we had an odd assortment of Swartklip and US made HEDP's. Some of it was in excellent condition, others weren't. We tried a batch of early 90's vintage M430's which were left too long under the weather. In the middle of the shoot, this round malfunctioned. The High Pressure Chamber blew back the primer, prior to pushing all of the gases up the Low Pressure Chamber. All of a sudden, our baby in a sickly burp, belches a grey pall of smoke backwards. The round goes up half way up the barrel and promptly gets stuck. Next thing we know the gunner yelps and runs back like a little girl. No one gets huts, except for the gunners moist drawers. The funny thing is that during the course of the whole week, the babies' new parents always would swarm around us like little children around a blacksmith, but when this malfunction happened they all scattered like flies. With full trust that the M550 Fuzed wasn't fully armed my buddy and I wrenched the round out of the barrel with an extractor latter on.

Oh and I forget, 'ere's yours trully, getting ready to put one last round down range.


Welcome aboard, Admiral!

by John on Mar 30, 2005

March 28, 2005

Sea stories...

What the Army calls a "War Story" the Navy and Marines call a "Sea Story."

This is probably *not true.* But is *is* possible - which is the only criteria for a good War/Sea story...

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at Pearl Harbor when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly.

"Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

Have a care with the comments, fffolks!

by John on Mar 28, 2005
» Conservative Friends links with: Mixed Signals

March 26, 2005

Two Reasons to Party!

First: MSG Keith, the Castle's Eyes and Ears in Afghanistan...

... is just fine.

He was not one of the four soldiers killed in the land mine incident.

I got this mail from him this morningL

If you've seen the news today from Afghanistan, it's not good. Can't talk about it. Just wanted you to know I wasn't involved and am safe and sound. Talk to you later. Master Sgt. Keith

One big difference between this war and the ones that preceded it - the year and a half Dad was in Vietnam, we'd watch the news, hear of the battles and casualties - and if they were in the area Dad was in, we'd wait. Wait for the next letter, or The Telegram, or worst, The Notification Team. Cassandra knows what I mean. Cricket. And soon, Dave, the Heartless Libertarian is going to know, too.

While that's still the drill - email makes the wait one heckuva lot shorter!

Thanks for dropping the note, Keith Khan!~

So, our Correspondent is fine - but more importantly - *Today* marks his completion of 30 years of Service - and he's still serving. Just like Bill. Makes Dusty and I look like pikers.

One thing about losing your hair - as you grow older, you start to match your Basic Training pictures again... except maybe in outline...

A hi-res can be viewed by clicking here. Hat tip to Mrs. Khan for the graphic!

Second: Tomorrow is Bad Cat Robot's birthday!

Somebody ought to take on the job of noting Denizen Birthdays so that we may properly and mercilessly mock them.

I have an idea.

Go out on the web, and find Kewl Things to send to Bad Cat for her Natal Celebration!

Post them in the comments. Keep it PG-13 - and if you are constitutionally unable to do that... provide a Not Safe For Work warning - no X-rated stuff, please. Scrup'ls will be sent to those who offend in that manner.

If you have something digital but not web-accessible - send it to me and I'll fix that problem.

This is what I'm arranging to have show up at Bad Cat's house today... I found this guy (via Google) at Sound Portraits. (That's how you make nice to people when you link into their archives, btw - give 'em a full credit link... hint hint).

What are your ideas?

by John on Mar 26, 2005
» Righty in a Lefty State links with: Interviews and other events

March 25, 2005

Now It Can Be Told...

A recently-declassified surveillance tape from the Pentagon E-Wing (okay--Muffy found it in the dumpster) appears to shed some light on the circumstances regarding the Armorer's retirement from the Army...

[*cue tape*]

[*focus on general officer standing by classified document shredder in hallway with piece of paper in hand*]

[*audio pickup: approaching footsteps*]

(General's voice) "Major Donovan, do you know how to work this thing? My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

(Major's voice) "Yes, sir."

[*major turns on shredder, takes paper from General, feeds it in*]

(General's voice) "Now, I just need one copy..."

by CW4BillT on Mar 25, 2005

March 23, 2005

Low-Level Bureaucratic Dreams...

by John on Mar 23, 2005
» The Jawa Report links with: WTW: Dale GribbleRusty Shackleford's Take

March 22, 2005

I declare Jihad.

Cassie has been posting too much Good Stuff. Like Here. And Here. And Here.

So, I say - it's time to hijack a thread! There have been two Python-references in this thread - I say storm the parapets and make it ours!

No Prisoners! Scribble on the walls! Wear the lampshades! Tap the kegs! Put peanut butter in their shoes! T.P. the trees! Soap the windows (don't wash 'em - you know what I mean!) Steal the valve stems from their tires! Put Yanni in their iPods! Change their homepages to DU!

Cry Havoc! And let slip the Scrup'ls of Argghhh!!!

Oh, yeah - and Keith Khan sends:

How to say 'I love you' in 22 languages.....

English: I Love You.
Spanish: Te Amo.
French: Je T'aime.
German: lch Liebe Dich.
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu.
Italian: Ti Amo.
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni.
Swedish: Jag Alskar.
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South
Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia, Kentucky, & parts of Florida:

Nice A$$, Get in the truck!

by John on Mar 22, 2005
» Conservative Friends links with: I love you

March 18, 2005

Friday afternoon fare.

1. Tryouts are now open for the Castle Argghhh!!! soccer team.

We're the skins in this game film. (right-click, save as)

Pencil-necked sunken-chested geeks need not apply. Bill the Rotorhead already has filled the position of water boy.

2. Castle Services (Investigative) - (CS(I) for short) have just secured this tape of Bad Cat Robot and Barb escaping from Shaitan-in-Redmond on a recent Friday. Expectations are that this scene will play itself out today, too.

Right click here, and save as... (actually it looks like The Armorer at the airport waiting on SWWBO, too!)

Lastly, a caption contest.

by John on Mar 18, 2005

March 17, 2005

Huh? Oh, it's St Pat's day...?

So, we're excused from anything serious, though Dusty and Keith tried... roving correspondent and photographer Randy provides this:

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shit faced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 litre spring water, 1 bottle aspirin, 5 pairs incontinence pants, 1 bottle Pepto Bismil, 1 gram morphine sulphate, 1 oz. human adrenaline extract, 1 pre-charged electric defibrillator, 4 Cardiac needles, 1 trauma surgeon. Brew a strong pot of coffee and add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

The remainder is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 17, 2005
» The Bow Ramp links with: Liveblogging from AJ"s

Where'd I put my metal detector?

Former frequent commenter now blogger Gunner (we lose more commenters that way...) still looks out for the Armorer.

My advice is for you to start digging in your garden ------------------------- Man finds tank in garden

A metal object struck by a Waikato couple digging out their back garden recently later turned out to be a four-tonne army tank.

Jane and Emanuel Hurley discovered the World War 2 bren-gun carrier on their Ohaupo property, 17km south of Hamilton.

A few weeks ago, Mr Hurley was rotary hoeing the garden when he struck metal.

"He started uncovering it, thinking he could pull whatever it was out, but he had no luck," said Mrs Hurley.

A neighbour who owned contracting machinery also had no joy so they all took a break for a day or so.

"Then a friend made it his mission to uncover whatever it was," said Mrs Hurley.

"He had a go at it every day or so and slowly exposed it."

When they realised the enormity of what they had found, they called in a scrap dealer who had to use two trucks for two hours to haul out the mystery object.

Mrs Hurley said they realised it was some kind of military vehicle.

She took photographs and was editing them on the computer in their antique shop Collectamania when a customer identified it as a bren-gun carrier. More checking confirmed its identity.

Mr Hurley said the carrier was beyond repair.

Mrs Hurley had heard some former military vehicles were used on farms after the war.

"The things you find in your garden," she said.

Not only that, but they now have a huge hole to fill.

"Who knows, we might even put a swimming pool in.".

Who knows what you could find


Hey, this one may be in New Zealand... but who knows?

Looking around for a link to the actual story I see I've been neglecting Blogs of War or I'd have seen this myself!

by John on Mar 17, 2005
» Overtaken by Events links with: Assisted Content

March 16, 2005

What's *really kewl* about this picture?

Look closely.

There is something very funny here.

(if you are new to blogs, click on the sentence above)

The caption for the photo (which you see in the "Another View From Iraq" post below) is this:

March 3, 2005 - Sgt. 1st Class Patrick Sandel, from 3rd Battalion, 156th Infantry Regiment, 1st Cavalry Division, patrols northern Iraq in his Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Sandel survived 19 roadside bomb and mortar attacks and one car bomb. By Command Sgt. Maj. Steven Stuckey

SFC Sandel is my kinda guy. Can you guess why? It's got nothing to do with being an IED/Mortar-magnet....

by John on Mar 16, 2005

March 14, 2005

O Captain! My Captain!

(with apologies to both Whitman and Lincoln).

It's an old joke... but I like the new look to it!

And while it may not be obvious all the time - an Artilleryman does live here!.


I mean it. Let there be no doubt. Just sayin'. In case there was any confusion.

A *REAL* artilleryman...

Okay - back on my head and off to the office.

by John on Mar 14, 2005

March 12, 2005


*stage whisper voice*

"Hey, everybody, over here! Shhhhh! Not so loud, Bill! Damn, those big feet of yours make some noise!"

"Okay, okay, okay... here's the deal:"

"It's SWWBO's birthday. And we're gonna throw here a surprise party, okay?"

"We're gonna go hide in the comments of this post over at her place - and I want ya to go hog wild in there! SWWBO isn't quite the prude I am, so you can prolly over-indulge, but don't get stoopid, 'k?"

"Now, assuming you read this place from the bottom-up, like you should - what are you doing here? GIT!"

No comments here - go there!

by John on Mar 12, 2005

March 11, 2005

This Post Rated LAW/KVL

Looking At Work?/Keep Volume Low…

>>hzzz. morning be good, all castle critters of hy-umun and other species feline ladies. to gents also. name muffy is presenting newest castle freebie feature, online msm.

>>hz. name muffy, questioning from name jake. how online be mainstream medium?

>>hzz. softball from peanut brain in peanut gallery. just start, too small to be mainstream medium. is mainstream miniscule. become medium after advertising suits shower with cookies, be rolling in dough.

>>hzzzzz. bassackwards. must roll in dough first before make cookie.

>>hzzzz. maybe name jake like be correspondent. do eyewitness report from inside septic tank.

>>hzz. unfamiliar. sovbloc? what size main gun?

>>hzzzz. continuation from before rudeness of interrupting. first is news flashing of denizen-doing. denizen bad cat robot-lady and denizen pretty barb-lady doing of lunch at tony institutional cafeteria yesternoon. Unawareness of hidden parabolic mike in plastic flower centerpiece. sof’ware-make pless have thematic menu, also music-to-munch-by.

>>hzzz. name scout from name kc, still live at cafeteria pless, still cammied as large beige philodendron, hide near table for listen to gurl talk. To name scout, hello.

>>hzzz. name scout report that denizens hy-umun and mechanismic ladies meet and begin with usual gurl small talk. then bout special appetizer prepared by cafeteria sous-chef. then bout job and choice of refreshermints. then talk bout hubster—

>>hzzz. hubschrauber? rotorhead there also?

>>--no. hubster what pretty barb-lady call spousal unit. Then talk deplorable conditions of prime-time televisions. heh. Then bad cat robotic-lady comment about favorite sci-fi channel show. then bad cat robotic-lady speak of life ambitions. then both ladies giggle and order ‘nother round of adult beverage. then pretty barb-lady mention plans for after working. then bad cat robotical lady realize that mouse-thing had meandered up petticoats. then ladies discuss weekend party at castle. then leave many papers with pix of first potus on table, then split, giggling muchly. then name scout sneeze and all leafses fall off ghillie suit.

>>hzzz. thanking name scout.tomorrow castle msm sneak peek at mawk, were-kitten and afsister.

>>hzzzzz. be dead air unless visit at work, when hold three-way conversation with self.

>>hz. name muffy, maybe fuzzybear lyonnaise-lady be better.

>>hzzzz. name jake soon be name dillweed. lyonnaise not *persona* name. lyonnaise tasty sauce for cookie.

>>hzz. thought that was hollandaise.

>>hzzzzz. idiot. lady not nederlander.

>>hzz. maybe lyonesse?

>>hz. lyonesse mythical pless, same as atlantic city.

>>hzzzzz. too much knowledge. head of name jake need ductape before explode.

>>hz. not happen. if brains were gasoline, name jake could not fuel flea’s honda halfway around bb.

>>hzzz. name muffy, name kc report ad exec suits on line three wanting talk cookies.

>>hzzzzzzz. bout time. tomorrow we buy history channel.

>>hzz. what do with?

>>hzzz. replace lee ermey with jarhead-pless man. do five minutes of play “danny boy” on bagpipes while demonstrate ma deuce cyclic rate of fire. heh. blow comedy central right off air.

by name muffy on Mar 11, 2005

March 10, 2005

I see that Strategy Page and I get the same email...

When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus

Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) [Kellogg Brown & Root ed.] dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better

You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet

You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)

You take the time to add your lines to this list

You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 and ½ weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes

You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks

Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds

When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times

When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away

When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf

Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up

When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over

Continued in the Flash Traffic/Extended entry!

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 10, 2005

March 09, 2005

This is why you don't let your daughter go to KU...

Must be Eeducation Mmajors.

by John on Mar 09, 2005

You've seen them elsewhere...

But CAPT H sent 'em along this morning... and I saw some new ones.


Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken....Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God....Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians....So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba
The Hutt?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.


#20 is the Castle Motto! *ssshhhwack!* Ow! How does *she* do that?

by John on Mar 09, 2005

Money can't buy happiness...

...but it can buy cool stuff, and take away debt pressures, which eases family strains... okay, money *can* buy happiness, properly channeled.

Castle Denizen Barb, responding to Graumagus, offers up the "if money were not an object, what 5 Really Expensive Toys would I buy for myself?"

Barb offers up this list.

We find Graumagus's list intriguing, and appropriate for the Castle.

So, what would the Armorer want...

1. Land. Where I can do silly things like this, even though this isn't a mountain view...

Land in a machinegun-friendly state, preferably in mountains, but not too high. The Mistress of the Castle gets cranky at altitude. Meadows, lake, forest. Lots of room to ride the horses and let 'em run free. With a large predator sensor that shoos 'em away. Spot for an airstrip. Hanger for when Dusty, Neffi, Bill, or anybody else comes to visit. Stables. Sufficient range for the small arms and artillery of the Arsenal to be fired safely.

2. The Castle. Big, rambling, room to display the collection - including the covered motor pool. Rooms to lounge in, rooms for guests, wired and wireless. Machine shop so the Armorer could buy broke stuff cheap and fix it. Robots. Sauna/hot tub, fully equipped studio for the Mistress. Little doors in odd places for the Interior Guard to move through the house at will - that the Littlest Exterior Guard can't get to or through. Large Library, walls throughout for the art and bullet boards, G-scale train running through the house. Capable of delivering comestibles to guests. Big bar/lounge area. Think mountain lodge with Fortress overtones. No stairs, except for the impressive one flanking the foyer with the James 12-pounder in it (the Mistress *does* like bronze!) Flagpole out front with 25pdr gun for a noon/salute/retreat gun. The Castle must have a high tower with office/observatory on top. Wired, of course. Telescope, too. Multiple control stations at strategic locations for the security system.

3. Investment account sufficient to greatly expand the Arsenal's holdings and expand the Armorer's evil agenda of more guns for more people! Plus, it gives the Armorer the ability to host (and help subsidize) Denizen-only Castle Tours Cricket is responsible for setting up the first one, to England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales. Alan can set up the "Forts of Canada" tour. Barb and Jack get France. I'll take Germany. Bill gets the Balkans. Who wants Austria? Origen Plotinus gets Switzerland. Who wants Italy? Spain? The Baltics? Eastern Europe? CAPT H gets the Tank Museums of the World tour, Mostly Cajun can help. Neffi has the Great Aircraft Museums of the World tour...

Okay, only 3, because #3 enables the rest.

So, what's in your wallet?

*Photos of Haut-Koenigsbourg and cannon at Les Invalides thoughtfully provided by Barb. Hi-res available here and here.

by John on Mar 09, 2005

March 08, 2005

Given the Misogyny of Male Castle Denizens...

This offering from our newest official Denizen, MSG Keith, seems appropos.

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?



\ /


(Answer in the Flash Traffic)

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 08, 2005

March 07, 2005

Message from SWWBO.

She's off to Reno today. Actually, she's in Reno - and suffered the slings and arrows of air travel. Here is her announcement:

I'm here in Reno!

At the client site. Flight was really bumpy, but it doesn't seem to
bother me anymore.

Guy next to me farted all the way from Vegas to Reno.




'Nuff said.

by John on Mar 07, 2005

March 04, 2005

Some little things...


THIS IS WHY YOU DO NOT LET DUSTY AND BILL INTO THE SAME COCKPIT!!!! Watch the whole thing. Just goes to prove that with enough power, anything can fly in about any flight regime. I'm in awe of the pilot, though.

Neffi - Yes, it's a Wilkinson. No, it isn't broken.

JustThisGuy - another one, just for you.

This one, just because I find it interesting.

Coming up on Sunday... Stand your ground.

Lastly, Nunya assures me I'm going to hell for telling lies about WMDs in Iraq - setting aside the issue of you have to *know* it's false to be telling a lie, Nunya is still sure I'm going to hell for the evil I've caused in regard to the War. Nunya sure gives me lots of credit. I don't recall issuing a 'go' order, but who am I to argue with such scintillating logic and analysis? I supported the war. I support the war. I acknowledge things could have been done better. I have *never* seen a war that couldn't have been run better, believe me. But that's all very clear only in hindsight. So - I still support the war. Here's why. As Gerard Baker put it in The Times (UK) today:

"What have the Americans ever done for us? Liberated 50 million people..."

It’s too early, in fairness, to claim complete victory in the American-led struggle to bring peace through democratic transformation of the region. Despite the temptation to crow, we must remember that this is not Berlin 1989. There will surely be challenging times ahead in Iraq, Iran, in the West Bank and elsewhere. The enemies of democratic revolution — all the terrorists and Baathists, the sheikhs, the mullahs and the monarchs — are not going to give up without a fight.

But something very important is happening now, something that will be very hard to stop. And, although not all of it can be directly attributed to the US strategy in the region, can anyone seriously argue that it would have happened without it? Neither is it true, as some have tried to argue, that all of this is merely some unintended consequence of an immoral and misconceived war in Iraq.

Read the rest, here.

Just sayin'.

Hat tip to Larry P. for the pointer to the article. I need more readers - as in people who read and forward... makes life so much easier!

Update: A tough end for an old sailor... but serving to the last! Hopefully the scuttling charges *will* be needed.

And another twist in the saga of Terry Schiavo.

Flash Traffic (extended entry) Follows »

by John on Mar 04, 2005

Coming Soon!

A comment Party! We're going to give Cassie a Bon Voyage Party for her Blogcation!*

I've issued the order to Bill the Rotorhead:

"Cry Havoc, and turn loose the Scruples of Argghhhh!"

While we're getting set up, this is a bring your own food kinda party... Castle Argghhh! Productions, Inc, recommends you visit Ted at Rocketjones to score some good recipes and enjoy the story-telling format of SWWBO's Carnival of the Recipes #29! Ted, ya did reeeeely good this week!

*And you should read her post on heteronormativeness right below the linked one, too!

by John on Mar 04, 2005

March 01, 2005

This is a "Somebody Else Did All The Real Work" post...

Note - there *is* a mission requirement with report-out for Castle Denizens (regulars and wanna-be's) in here.

First off - there *is* hope. Our neighbor the Venomous One sends this: A muppet teaches children to use guns!

Second, via Punctilious (a Neutral Good Elf Ranger Bard) and SWWBO (a Chaotic Good Elf Bard Mage) we find that the Armorer is...

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Fighter

Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.

Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.

Find out What D&D Character Are You? , courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

I command all true Castle Denizens to journey thither and classify themselves - and with this group, I'm pretty sure Chaos Rulez, I'll know some of ya are cheatin' if I don't see a few thieves!

Lastly - hat tip to SWWBO, who pointed out *all* this stuff, via Allan we come to this mindless little variation on a theme.

bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /

Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.

Without checking a map to make sure, I've also got 26 or so foreign countries. I'm shy two continents- Terra Australis and Terra Verra Colda.

by John on Mar 01, 2005
» Blog o'RAM links with: My Favorite Characters are Elves. Now I Know Why.
» Blog o'RAM links with: Busy Daze

February 28, 2005

Tales from the (marketing) crypt...

Sorry for being scarce but family issues are raising their ugly craniums again. That said, I can always steal ideas.

The Derb has a post on The Corner that sort of sums up my opinion of your average executive, be he/she/it be civilian or military. For many, the good idea light should have been swiched off awhile ago.

As far as John's Plane P0rn picture goes, the trailer looks like an Eagle cockpit (visible intake ramps on left and right) and, frankly, the lead looks like a Viper with two bags (600 gal external fuel tanks) but it probably isn't.

by Dusty on Feb 28, 2005

Those thrifty Scots, and other interesting things.

CAPT H sends this along to start our week:

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new

Now this is a hoot, but if you are offended by the "F-word" dinnae click this link. Dusty, Bill, Neffi, and Boudicca at least, will appreciate it...

And I thought fighter jocks understood grammar and spelling better, too.

Target aircraft looks like a Phantom to me - anybody recognize the cockpit?

And lastly, this is just a picture to appeal to boys everywhere.

Pacific Ocean (Feb. 24, 2005) – A Standard Missile-3 (SM-3) leaves the guided missile cruiser USS Lake Erie (CG 70) enroute to intercept a short-range ballistic missile target, launched minutes earlier from the Pacific Missile Range Facility, Barking Sands, Kauai, Hawaii. The intercept, which occurred some 100 miles from the island of Kauai, was the latest Missile Defense Agency test of its sea-based midcourse program. The program, in cooperation with the U.S. Navy, has had five intercepts in the last six attempts.

Returning the favor from yesterday, both pics today are via Strategy Page.

by John on Feb 28, 2005

February 25, 2005

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy...

You might be a redneck pilot if:

--your stall warning horn plays "Dixie."

--your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

--you think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

--you've ever used moonshine as gas.

--your wheel pants have mud flaps.

--those mud flaps sport a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.

--you think GPS stands for "Going Perfectly Straight."

--your toothpick keeps poking your boom mike.

--you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

--you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

--you fuel your Cessna from a Mason jar.

--you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

--you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

--there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

--the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly.

--you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper.

--just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

by Dusty on Feb 25, 2005

February 22, 2005

Hey Everybody!

Let's move the party over to Villainous Company... Cassandra is feeling blah-ish...

...on the otter heiny, if I don't get a drink soon, there's gonna be hell to pay.


Posted by: Cassandra at February 22, 2005 02:53 PM

The vastly large reportorial staff of the Castle (in terms of shadow casting) captured this video of Cassie on the way to work this morning.

So - someone grab that scruple that swiped the Tres Generaciones and head to Cassie's for a Nursery Rhyme Contest!

by John on Feb 22, 2005


A Baptist Minister was seated next to an Army Ranger on a flight to Columbus, GA. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Ranger asked for a bourbon and water, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Ranger then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Hat tip: Mike L.

by John on Feb 22, 2005

February 21, 2005

On the dangers of rapid expansion.

Much ado has been made about the success of Special Operations Forces in Operations Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan) and Iraqi Freedom (guess where...), with fans of the special operators proposing a vast expansion of the career management field. Everyone a special operator!

Of course, if you do that - you aren't special anymore, right?

So, we've been expanding the SOF guys across the services. What's the impact been? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

Via our source, Deep Thought, who works at the heart of USAF special operations comes this indicator. The latest revision of combat hand signals.

You be the judge if the expansion was a good idea or not.

If that's hard to read on your machine - hi-res available here. If you want to save a copy for your own nefarious purposes, save the hi-res, you can always shrink that file size if you need to. Of course, you bloggers who swipe 'em and post 'em with a link back are *cheating* just a touch... 8^P

On the dangers of *contraction*... they'll be even more insufferable now than they already are, given how hard it is to get in. I wonder how that will fly, so to speak, in the vein Dusty discusses, here. The comment stream is the really interesting part of that post. If you join in - keep it civil!

by John on Feb 21, 2005
» Murdoc Online links with: An oldie but a goodie
» Pass The Ammo links with: Combat Hand Signals
» Random Nuclear Strikes links with: Put your hands in the air
» EtherHouse links with: GWOT got ya down? Need a laugh?

February 19, 2005

I'm outta here for the day!

SWWBO only having gotten home last night, and departing again tomorrow (trading Bangor, Maine last week for Orlando, Florida next week - can you spell system shock? - I knew you could) we're off to goof off and do a little shopping today.

If the kum-by-yah-fest in Dusty's posts is over, I'll leave you with this picture to play with for captioning purposes...

And, as a warning to those of you *who take advantage* of the Armorer and Mistress' absence to run amok... the ROE for the CAFQRF* (pronounced Caff-kwirf) is: Use of Deadly Force is authorized, in fact, encouraged. Of course, them being cats, that's how they operate anyway. No point in giving orders you know won't be obeyed. This way perhaps, they won't play with you as much before dispatching you to whatever hell your worldview provides for.

Don't believe me? Here's a video of a recent training session, taken by SangerM. Locking the doors will not help - and the Dimension Door is keyed to the Armorer's and Mistress' brainwaves. No, you can't just upload your own...

Right-click and save as. Disregard the date... they've never mastered changing that on the camera.

You were warned. Like that's going to help...

But they're waiting. Got some new kit they want to test...

Hey, they just got done reading Thucydides and are really into Corinthian at the moment.

Oh, and I just had to add this. Oh For Pity's Sake - just HOW FRICKING DENSE CAN YOU BE to turn this into something political. Geebus. No wonder they're angry in the Great White North.

*Castle Argghhh Feline Quick Reaction Force.

by John on Feb 19, 2005
» Conservative Life - General Politics links with: Conservative Life Caption Contest #15

You youngsters take heed.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

by John on Feb 19, 2005
» Docs.Rage.Net links with: Docs.Rage.NET: /faq/sri-lanka-faq

February 18, 2005

Let's get started...

First off, for those who care (SGT B?) - She Who Will Be Obeyed!'s Carnival of the Recipes is up at Inside Allan's Mind! Check her sidebar for links to all the previous Carnivals.

Just to give a flavor - some of my faves from this Carnival:

Spam Pie!

Grandpa's Scalloped Potatos!


Homemade Boudin!

Go check out alla that good stuff - and say thank-you to Allan for putting it together this week!

Moving On...

While there is much to discuss (although from positions of ignorance, on both sides of the question) regarding the fate of the Captain of the USS San Francisco (see posts below) it does appear that Cricket, at least, is not fond of how we military types go about our business. She's a member of the military family, she's certainly entitled to her opinion. But, in an attempt to help her (and you, gentle reader) to understand whereat the Warrior Class stands, Bill the Rotorhead thoughtfully provided the following video - shown to all officers at their Basic Course, and all NCOs at their Basic Course... on proper military counseling.

"Footlocker Counseling - it's important! TRADOC Joint Training Film 13-69" We should note, this is a *joint* effort.

We recommend you right-click and "Save As" - it's quicker!

Frequent commenter and Castle Chick Zoomie-Sib provided this for today... and while she notes *her* name isn't Melissa, I'm suspicious that the two males named herein probably started out with two *different* names...

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Melissa wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Melissa the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Melissa answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

by John on Feb 18, 2005

February 17, 2005


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away.......................

"We're down here!"

Hat tip Rich B!

Oh heck, Rich sent us two good ones.

Sheriff's Car

The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what they ordered was not quite what they got.

This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics company employee did on the passenger side of the car. The employee did this on his last day working for the graphics company before he retired.

I used to be a cop, I have a Masters in the subject, and I like cops - but I *love* this! I dunno if it's real, or Photoshop... but I like it.

by John on Feb 17, 2005

Fun with photoshop

Mike D sends along this one:

Then there's this one...

"I knew I shoulda taken that left at the 21st Century!"


"Use the Force, Luke!" he said. "Use the Force..." I'll f*cking use the Force next time I see that little green dangling-from-Cthulu's-nostril booger-looking b*st*rd!"

That last pic is really a masterful job. I only wish...

by John on Feb 17, 2005
» The Jawa Report links with: X-Wing Fighter Lands On Jimmy Carter
» Milblog links with: Pic 1 is funny.

February 16, 2005

Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at Fort Leavenworth's Memorial Chapel.

by John on Feb 16, 2005

Aircraft Carrier Contest Poll

The Select Nominating Committee Neffi, drafted for snarking, narrowed the field to the following four choices. To refresh yourself on the picture and the choices (so that you can heap abuse on Neffi if you don't like his choices), go here.

The polls are closed. We have a Weener!

New item. It's recently been The Amazing New Social Life of the Master and Mistress of Castle Argghhh! Two weeks ago, we met Tammi in Orlando for dinner. Last week, we met a frequent commenter of Beth's for dinner on Friday, then Rammer and Punctilious of Blog o'Ram, and Jay Manifold, a local KC blogger from A Voyage to Arcturus on Saturday. Now that Venomous Kate literally lives just down the road, we'll meet the Venomous Family at the High Noon Saloon sometime soon.

Anyway, while destroying our hearts eating fatty fried foods at Stroud's (north of the river) last week, Jay asked us all a buncha blog questions - what was our favorite thing we'd done, best post, all the usual stuff. Jay relayed a post he'd done that I found fascinating, so instead of another caption contest, I'm gonna have ya put on your thinking caps.

Imagine, if you will (cue Twilight Zone Music) that you have a time machine. You can go back in time and bring back an artifact, or group of artifacts. You can't bring back people, you can't interact with people. You can only go back and forth once. What do you bring back? I'm interested in seeing how this group differs from Jay's readership - believe me, we have different audiences!

So let loose.

Update: So, like what part of "Let loose" was confusing? I mean, like, you guys are all over commenting about me stabbing myself, but we can't spare some brain cells for this? Whassupwitdat? Bill and I are kinda lonely here. I mean, I like him and all - but not *that* much!

Bad Days.

Yesterday, SWWBO and I both had Bad Days. Bad Days in ways that are completely typical for the respective individuals.

You can read about SWWBO's here. Hey, she posted it! It's not like I'm talking out of school or something.

Anyway - she calls last night to chastise me for not answering my email. (That's related to her Bad Day) We get off the phone, and I go back to what I was doing, which was maintenance.

To shorten a short story further, I bayoneted myself yesterday. Yep. At least Dad got to shoot the guy who bayoneted him. That just would have made things more annoying in my case.

Dang. That hurts.

Bled like a stuck pig, too. Now I know, on several levels, what that means.

Anyway, there I was getting ready to clean up a Czech Vz24 Mauser. The thing's long enough without the attached bayonet, so off comes the John-sticker. Part of maintenance is bayonet maintenance, so I try to pull off the scabbard to check the blade. This is a nice, Predzuce 44 bayonet with a VERY SHARP TIP. And it's always had a sticky scabbard - which I may now look into more closely.

Anyway, sitting there, rifle all properly cleared and resting on the table, I'm trying to get the scabbard off (yes, bayonet-geeks, the blade was inserted properly - this is a spring problem) - while at the same time not wanting to suddenly have the blade clear, with my hands suddenly flying left and right - to knock down the rifles stacked there waiting their turn for the Armorer's attention.

Which means I'm putting a good effort into pulling apart - while at the same time holding together... which sets me up for my magical moment.

The scabbard gremlin - sensing victory - lets go, hoping for a game of 'pick-up-sticks-with-rifles' when I foil his evil plan. The counter-tension I've got going works, and nary a rifle is disturbed. The bayonet however...

It goes.

Not far. Only about, oh, an 8th of an inch too far, plunging the point into the knuckle of my right index finger. Who'da thunk that particular body part was so well supplied with blood? *I* certainly didn't!

This morning, it's a little, tiny dink. Hurts like hell though, since apparently it wasn't my Herculean effort at stopping the bayonet that worked... it was the bone inside the damn knuckle.


Still - I'd rather bayonet myself than have to admit that I sent some sappy love note to someone else's spouse... especially after having busted MY spouse for not responding to it... hee hee hee.

And, a Bad Day bayoneting yourself while cleaning your collection is better than being a liberal twisty-pants all wrought up over the fact that someone, somewhere, *didn't* have an abortion yesterday...

by John on Feb 16, 2005

February 15, 2005

Mulligan Day!

Spread the Word!

I want to wish everyone a happy and fruitful Mulligan Day. As I am sure you all know, today is the fourth anniversary of Mulligan Day, the world's newest holiday (founded February 15, 2001) as a day to revel in our manhood, be cleansed of past transgressions and return the holiday balance to its natural order.

For the uninitiated, Mulligan Day is the natural antithesis to Valentines Day. Whereas Valentines day is a fabricated holiday catering to women, Mulligan Day was established strictly for men. Here is an excerpt from our original charter:

Mulligan Day will henceforth and for eternity fall on the day after Valentines Day. It is the day in which men are forgiven at least one major sin against womankind and are allowed, as in golf, a do-over i.e. a mulligan. This could range from forgiveness for forgetting a birthday or anniversary to getting drunk and making out with her best friend, or as far as the woman would be willing to forgive.

As on Valentines Day, on Mulligan Day men will receive gifts worthy of the male ethos. While women receive flowers and candy on their day, e.g. Valentines Day, men on the high holy day of Mulligan shall receive beer or liquor and some sort of meat product such as steak or pork chops. Other gifts may include sporting goods, firearms, auto accessories, armored vehicles/warplanes/naval vessels, tools or any other like offerings that appeal to the male nature. In addition, and of utmost sanctity, on Mulligan Day men will be excused from any badgering from women and will have all needs catered to him.

In that spirit then, let me be the first to convey my hopes that you will enjoy your alcohol and meat products and have a happy and fruitful Mulligan Day!

Please help spread the word on Mulligan Day and pass this on to anyone who needs it.

I can just hear the whining from the estrogen-soaked Greek Chorus... "OH PUH-LEEZE, Men act like Every Day is Mulligan Day!"

by John on Feb 15, 2005
» Bunker Mulligan links with: In My Honor...

Random Targets

Having just sent off the renewal form and fee for my FFL, I was reminded of one of several reasons I started blogging. To show 'normals' (those of you who don't have basements like mine) that you could be an amasser of guns and not be a raving lunatic or moody loner about to explode.

The first things I put on Fototime was jpg's of the slides I used for presentations on collecting to Rotary and other organizations like that.

Wherein I asked the question: Who lives next to you? This guy, or this guy? And tried to offer some clues as to how to tell the difference. I've been collecting pictures for a while now, and people have started sending me stuff - and I got this one recently. A different form of nut who may live next door to you - a perfectly normal neighbor during the week, but one of them "Re-enactors" on the weekend.

That's right - your next door neighbor could be any one of these guys!

These people arguably take their hobbies even more seriously than I do - especially the guys who try to accurately portray late war Southern soldiery... or the really bizarre ones who practice bloating so they can play good corpses... or even frequent commenter Monteith, and his vehicle collection, which finds itself being used in re-enacting.

A hi-res is here.

by John on Feb 15, 2005

February 12, 2005

Entity State Beach-balls.

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, inspired by this photo.

As I've mentioned now and again, I was a simulations geek for the Army, a skillset I have carried on in my second career. On a previous task I was working a huge distributed Live-Virtual-Constructive event, where we were linking in live sites, such as a Navy command ship, real soldiers on the ground, the Marines in simulation, air assets in constructive and virtual modes, linking sites from coast to coast, corner to corner, live in real-time.

One hell of an effort, from which we learned a lot, not the least of which was... exercises that big, given the current state of the technology, probably are not worth the overall effort that went into it - as a training exercise. As an experiment, which it was, it was very valuable as we learned a lot - both what works, and what NOT to do next time, as well as pushed the tech envelope well beyond what it started at.

One of the things you have to do in the testing and integration phase of an event like this is ensure that all the bits and pieces fit together and can communicate. The backbone of mixing live, virtual and constructive (constructive is 'classic' wargaming engines, vice virtual, which are simulators) is the Distributed Interactive Simulation (DIS) protocol data unit. This is the basic transactional unit between otherwise unrelated programs, interfaces, and people. Every entity that will be shared among the participants is uniquely identified by a DIS PDU which is a packet of data that defines the attributes of the item. What it is, where it's located, what direction it's heading, at what speed, etc. It carries just the basic information needed. The other gizmo's on the network can then filter out stuff they don't need/can't use, and only pull in those packets that are relevant.

Among the things that this is used for is for example a UAV simulator, which 'flies' over the battlefield and looks at stuff. This info is then fed to an image generator, which, using the data in the PDU, selects the appropriate image for display on the operators console. Therein lies the potential for trouble.

You have to make sure that terrain databases in the various sims match, or you get things like helicopters which are flying underground, with perhaps only the rotor showing. Or, even better - you are demo-ing for a visiting General and the helicopter pops up from behind the treeline and fires a Hellfire. In the viewer, you see the bird pop-up, get the firing signature - and the sim, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, spawns an M1 Abrams graphic instead of a Hellfire, which then speeds off, smashing into the T-72 which obligingly blows up.

Much hilarity ensues. Well, after everyone starts breathing again because the General thinks it's funny...

In this exercise we were doing integration testing of ADA assets. Specifically we were checking whether or not SA-7s in the ground sim (JCATS for anyone who cares) could acquire, hit, and knock down UAVs being flown in MUSE. We were using the UAV viewer because you can do a lot of troubleshooting much faster when you can see things - especially things like terrain mismatch etc.

Anyway, we had a PDU mapping problem. The VR generator had no mapping for the SA-7 missile - so it went to it's default - what we call the Entity State Beachball. It just generates a globe for a visual, with whatever attached attributes it's supposed to have.

In this case, we had several problems. The visual map was missing, so we got beach-balls. The missile launcher parameters were incorrect, too. We got the right soldier image - a man holding a launcher - but pretty much everything else was wrong.

We were treated to the visual of a single-shot missile launcher firing off beach-ball after beach-ball, as if it was a belt-fed auto-launcher. And the balls would go sailing off, ballistic default, to arc out over the virtual battlespace and land - and bounce, and bounce, and bounce, losing a little bit of energy each time, coming to rest when it hit something or ran out of energy. Like a kid with a ping-pong ball bazooka.

Since we were testing, there were about a dozen of these guys. All lofting their beach-balls into the air, to come down, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. And, since they never detonated, they never went away, so the beach-balls started piling up in the valley, too.

Yeah, we fixed it, and at least that one was not being demo'd for a General... but now you might understand why I can't help but chuckle whenever I see that picture!

by John on Feb 12, 2005

February 10, 2005


We interrupt your browsing for a test. The Castle has acquired the ability to host videos (be very afraid). All y'all need to start buying more crap from the Castle store to support this... but - since the Instapilot just sent this to me in email, this seems an appropriate place to test it out! Lemme know how well it works - 'specially those of you with dial-up! There are two versions - please try both and let me know what you think/problems you have.

From Dusty's email:

Why I don't ice fish... ...what happens when you piss off the Northern Alliance (especially the Power Line guys)...or...what happened to Norm Coleman and Bill Moyers after getting Hindrocket's attention...

Converted Video

Original Video.

It's also supposed to work showing a picture... but there seems a problem with that.

Update: Saving posting space... Cassie has her new caption contest up, and has *finally* judged her last two. As for the new one... eeeeewwwwwwww!

by John on Feb 10, 2005

February 09, 2005

Typical Helo FCF Profile...

"FCF" stands for Functional Check Flight...what you do after major maintenance has been done on an airplane--or "airplane," if you're talking about helos. I did it a lot in the Hog and enjoyed it thoroughly (most of the time...when an engine doesn't start up again after an in-flight shutdown, that's sort of irritating but otherwise the sortie is a hoot).

My guess this is a good to-scale representation of the typical UH-1 FCF (or whatever the rotor craniums call an FCF) profile...Saturday AM, after a late Friday PM stint in the, uh, Post WO lounge (read: "bar").

Or not...


Hat tip: Whizbang

by Dusty on Feb 09, 2005

Caption Contest.

Okay fans, here's the new one.

To get you started:

News item: Tired of operating from austere forward airbases or flying 24 hour long missions as the Missouri Air Force, the USAF jumps on board the Transformation Bandwagon with the launching of the USAFS Billy Mitchell, their new "Power Projection Platform." Critics observed that the Air Force seemed "Unclear on the concept."

There's still time to hit OTB's caption contest (though not much) as well as Conservative Life's (link below).

by John on Feb 09, 2005
» Conservative Life - General Politics links with: Conservative Life Caption Contest #11
» Villainous Company links with: Caption Contest

February 08, 2005

Wrapping up the caption contests!

I hafta - some commenters are getting peevish (more on that later) and I wanna start a new one tomorrow!

New prize - well, same prize, different aspect. Now, the winner gets a mug with the picture - and their caption - on it. Howzzat?

To the polling. A most select committee (i.e., a snarker got drafted) sifted through all that chaff and came up with this wheat.

To refresh yourself on the first one - the bulldozer - go here.

Polling is closed - view results.

To refresh yourself on the second pic - the Chinook - go here.

Polling is closed - view results.

Voting is now open closed. And remember - snarkiness about my laziness just gets you drafted! (On the flip side (and thanks, Dbie!) you get to choose the contestants!)

by John on Feb 08, 2005
» There's One, Only! links with: I made the finalist.... list.
» The Ebb & Flow Institute links with: Don't Allow Yourselves To Be Disenfranchised

February 07, 2005

In re: CMS

This is a test.

This is only a test. (make sure sound is on!)

Go here. Heed.

This has been a test of the EPWS, Emergency PMS Warning System. This has only been a test. If you have subscribed to this service, in the event of a real emergency, glowing icons will appear in front of your face, clearly stating the level of alert and what precautions you should take.

We return you know to your regularly scheduled blogging.

by John on Feb 07, 2005
» Villainous Company links with: CMS: America's Dirty Little Secret

We interrupt this militancy for some flippancy...

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

We've all seen these people before... they also have "Imagine World Peace," "Hug a child," and other feel good crap on their bumpers. It ain't just the Evangelicals!

Hat tip to Mr. Greenjeans!

by John on Feb 07, 2005

February 02, 2005

Tell me again why I left Kansas?

Here I am in sunny sunless Florida, basking in... the rain. And watching the natives apparently freeze.

And I see the girls are running amok talking sex in the comments.

But it's in that PG way the Castle prefers to raw, so no reason to rush down there to check.


Okay, back? So, how many of you got sucked into the "kidnapped soldier" scam?

Not the Armorer. Well, not completely. When I saw the pictures on Drudge I said, "Damn! They've beaten the Inner and Outer Guard! To Arms! To Arms! The Arsenal has been penetrated, and artifacts stolen! The bassids!"

Okay, I just admitted I collect dolls. Well swish my petticoats! Look at Cassandra's fingers flying on the keyboard! Hey, they look good on the bookshelf, especially the WWI Stormtrooper pouring a libation into the proffered mug of the kilted Scot. Go ahead. I dare ya.

Oh, and for those of you, including Papa Ray in comments and Beway in an email, - who pointed out this calmuny I'm not going to comment. Y'all know what I think, and one more voice isn't going to be heard in the righteous chorus of outrage already out there - but I did want ya to know I appreciate the tips.

Okay - the 'dozer comment contest. I'm just too dang busy to try and set up a poll, and I need to get some sleep tonight (cuz I didn't last night and I'm a whiner, shut up).

But - tonight I will unveil the next picture - and promise that I'll pick a winner for the last one before the weekend hits.

Cuz' I wanna watch all y'all take some potshots at aviators... and watch Bill type his fingers to nubs responding!

(Hint - this is *not* a normal attitude for a Chinook. Very uncomfortable for the cargo...)

UPDATE: If you're tired of this thread, try this one and this one over at Cassandra's (though *most* of you are partying at both houses...)

Then, if you have any energy left... OTB, and IMAO as well as Conservative Life all offer distractions for Those With No Life, or the hung over.

by John on Feb 02, 2005
» Conservative Life - General Politics links with: Conservative Life Caption Contest #09

January 29, 2005


Wanna do some Googlefights? I did!

Here's some results:

Wahabist vs Rumsfeld.

Castle Argghhh! vs Indepundit. Ouch.

Castle Argghhh! vs Dean's World. Ouch again, but not as hard.

Let's pick on someone easy.

Castle Argghhh! vs Villainous Company Whew! Closer than I like, however.

Donovan vs Tuttle Hah! Smackdown!

Okay, let's make that last one a little fairer:

The Armorer vs cw4billt. Hee hee hee.

All right, one more. John of Argghhh! vs Cassandra Uh oh... wench is *everywhere*!

Remember how Google works, people. It's searching on words. So if you use multiple words, enclose 'em in quotation marks to get the phrase, or you'll get a combined result that adds all the word hits together.

One last try... John vs Cassandra. Ahhhhhh. That's much better!

Hat tip - the blogfather...

by John on Jan 29, 2005

January 28, 2005

The Winnah, and a new one.

Okay, no matter how you slice it, no matter that it wasn't *my* favorite caption - I preferred Heartless Libertarian's "Training Day" caption - the winnah is:

(Drum roll provided by the little shooter, since he's a drummer)

Spd Rdr! Whose hoot of a website, the Ebb and Flow Institute, is available here.

For his uncomfortable (and I suspect lots of female vote stuffing)

"Good shooting,lad! Now, try for his left one." (click caption to see picture)

Eeewwww! Anyway, Spd Rdr, I need a snail mail address from ya.

Now that I've got a better handle on this stuff - New Contest. Let's pick on Marines. I know, I know, easy target. Like pushing wheel-chair bound grannies down the steps, or getting Liberals to attend your parties for purpose of mocking merriment by telling them they are planning sessions for separating the Middle Class from their money and giving it to bureaucrats.

Go for it. Hit it with your best shot. And c'mon, people - you lurkers out there need to join in... you could win a Castle Mug or Mousepad. What's not to like? Besides, the Usual Suspects® will probably try to hijack the thread. Last time that spread across blogs like the fight scene in Blazing Saddles!

Keep the profanity to a manageable level and fig leaf it. Don't wanna scare away net-nanny!

After you're done here - go visit Cassandra and take a look at Condi taking the measure of Democrat penii. At least I think that's what she's doing. If not, well, she should be. It's another caption contest for you addicts out there. And of course, don't forget OTB's weekly fling at this metier, or the Great Karnak competition at the Ebb and Flow Institute (blog-home of our most recent winner, spd rdr). Not to mention (oh wait, I did!) the contest over at Conservative Life.

Update: SGT Stryker has a contest, too.

by John on Jan 28, 2005
» Villainous Company links with: Blogjam

January 24, 2005

The Caption Contest - and a new one!

This was the picture:

All the answers (that are printable on Castle electronic stationary, anyway) are in the comments to this post.

And we have a Winnah!

3rd Runner up: UtahMan with:

"Told ya you couldn't make it."

2nd Runner up: Mythilt with:

"Yes Steve?"
"When we get back to base, we saw nothing, we just woke up and the tank was gone. Right?"

1st Runner up: fluke_boy with:

Damned manual said this thing was amphibious.
(I've got some family experience with this one... not me, my Dad.)

(Drum roll, please)

And the Winnah is: Tammi! For her double entry, which really is near perfect when used together...

Oh shit.


Ok Ok Ok, this is fixable.

Just remove the "....and.."

And you probably have something close to what was actually said

Oh shit...

Ok Ok Ok, this is fixable.

- followed by some of the more scatological captions that were passed around in email only....

So, Tammi - send along an email and we'll talk your options for a mug or mousepad.

That was so much fun, let's do it again. Same thing - at least 10 people entering, no limit on number of entries per person - no being pointlessly nasty or gross (* out key letters in words like f*ck, please - don't want to get banned by net-nanny software or bumped into Google's restricted pages - already had that fight with the deployed Air Force)

Go for it. Show us what ya got. Obviously, I tend to go for simple. After I master the poll thingy, I might just let all y'all vote!

Update: Oh yeah! Extra credit - correctly identify the rifle. If you're really good at obscure stuff (and you can lie your butt off here, I have no clue) the regiment! The rifle shouldn't be too hard. If you've no idea, the general picture should give you an idea of the era. And here's a hint - there's a very similar one in the Arsenal at Argghhh!

by John on Jan 24, 2005
» Villainous Company links with: New Caption Contest
» Conservative Life - General Politics links with: Conservative Life Caption Contest #07

January 23, 2005

Whoo-hoo! Good times!

This will make Bill the Rotorhead's heart race.

Now you *know* what we mean when we're yelling "Hose him down" at each other on the radio... Give it a minute, it takes some time to load.

Hat tip to Geoffrey at DogSnotDiaries for the pointer!

Oh, and just because - time to check the Smith and Wesson cam - where we can see whether or not "Guns kill people." This pistol in question has still shown no signs of acting in the absence of a human to do all the heavy lifting.

Oh yeah, I've also got 4 3 2 gmail invites if anyone is looking.

SWWBO Alert - Beth, don't look at the picture in the following link! Really.

The rest of ya - sometimes, window seats are bad.

Beth - this one's fine.

Then there's this. When I was in Germany back in the 80's, and later stateside as a commander - there were usually 4 of these per barracks room. All going at once, with competing music styles. At least it seemed that way.

Hat tip to Rich B. for those last two photos.

by John on Jan 23, 2005
» Brain Shavings links with: Hose him down
» Flight Pundit links with: Ever wounder what Hose Him Down means

January 22, 2005

So, how do you know...

...that you have passed unrecoverably from "young adult" to "hopelessly middle-aged?"

When you are at Barnes and Noble, and you pass up Best American Sex Writing 2004 for Simon Winchester's, The Meaning of Everything. The Story of the Oxford English Dictionary, and you think to yourself, "Heh, that'll make a good blogpost, too."

Pathetic, ain't it?

by John on Jan 22, 2005

January 21, 2005


MSM Anchors Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along with a paratrooper assigned to protect them, were hiking through the desert in Iraq one day when they were captured by Iraqi murder bombers and others of unsavory ilk. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we dismember and kill you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Paratrooper, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the a$$," said the grunt. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the a$$," insisted the soldier. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the a$$. The troop went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a Desert Eagle .40 S&W from inside his DBUs, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leaped to his ruck, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the insurgs were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the paratrooper was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the a$$?"

"What?" replied the exasperated troop, "And have you three a$$holes call me the aggressor?"

Hat tip to Mike L.

by John on Jan 21, 2005

Coupla things...

1. This week's Carnival of the Recipes is up at CalTechGirl's place. (Hmmm, just how gay *is* a tiled background of a naked guy with sword (non-expansible) and funny hat...?) Not that the Castle would mind having the funny hat and sword. Shield, either.

2. SangerM points us to Bill Whittle on Michael Moore. I like Whittle's analysis of actors...

3. Beth obliquely discusses Andyism. Andyism is a polite philosophy, if a touch too narcissistic for my taste... But it *is* a tolerant philosophy, as long as you acknowledge him as Supreme High Being, Master of the Universe. Which isn't as bad as it sounds, 'cuz the SHB will most likely be playing video games, so if you don't unplug anything, he's not gonna mess around with you.

At Pool of Thought, Brad is spitting nails, however.

4. Marine Bumper Stickers.

5. Sorta Happy Birthday to the National Guard - in 1903 the Militia Act established the Guard in it's modern form.

6. Caption Contest. If I get 20 or more entries to choose from (no more than 2 from any single person will count, though you can submit more) gets a Castle Mug or Mousepad, what the heck.

by John on Jan 21, 2005

January 19, 2005

Hey Everybody!

Go visit Simon. He's not impressed with our quality of work here at the Castle.

However, someone who managed to get banned by the Democratic Underground can't be all bad.

So, go visit Simon and give him a little traffic boost. However, if you are surfing from work, ya might wanna watch yer six... Simon is a bit of a pottymouth. While his rants aren't entirely pointless or off-base given his perspective, he does allow invective to substitute for substantive comment from time to time.

But heck, he gave us two trackbacks - we owe him a traffic bump.

by John on Jan 19, 2005

January 18, 2005

Seeing As How John's Complaining About His Weight...

Tim Blair has a solution...


by Dusty on Jan 18, 2005

A White House Response

Got this from my mother-in-law...

Some liberal wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the War in Afghanistan.

Here’s how they should have considered responding…

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of theTaliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We suggest you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will undoubtedly recommend as appropriate attire. I'm sure your wife and daughters will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!

Andrew Card
Chief of Staff

Update: Vodkalanche! Hey, and welcome! Feel free to poke around a bit before you head back to the Weblog of Tomorrow! If you aren't enamored of things military, you might at least like this bit of fractured history, or this bit of police humor.

by Dusty on Jan 18, 2005
» Blog o'RAM links with: The Way It Oughta Be
» Sworn Enemy links with: A White House Response
» VodkaPundit links with: All's Fair
» Simon and the Lefties links with: More conservative story crap
» EagleSpeak links with: Not happy with the way we do it? Here, try it your
» EagleSpeak links with: Not happy with the way we do it? Here, try it your

To protect and to serve... and to lip off, now and then!

Update: Welcome to all the Cops and others from the SIG Forum! Check around - ya might like the Gun Pr0n and firearms related archives over there on the left. Or click that Castle or the picture of the Maxim machine gun for easy navigation. Which, I just noticed, depending on how you came in, to possibly scroll up.

Anudder update: Heck, why should the SIG'er's have all the fun? They're adding to the funny stories... go read 'em!

From an email today:

Police Quotes

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey sh*t."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . . . .

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Hat tip, Rich B.

by John on Jan 18, 2005

January 17, 2005

A little fractured history...

I can't wait to see what Allen has to say...

Today's History lesson is on evolution of Conservatives & Liberals.

Subject: Evolution of Conservatives & Liberals.

Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began some12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

Hat tip to Mr. Green Jeans!

by John on Jan 17, 2005
» Pass The Ammo links with: Evolution of Conservatives & Liberals.
» Thoughts of a Medic links with: