January 14, 2007
Ya gotta love the Irish.
What other folk takes their stereotypes, flips them slightly askew and then shakes them out for all the world to laugh at?
Would *you* try to fill the dead air between your karaoke sets with:
"Two Norwegians are sitting on a bench in Oslo and one says to the other, 'Har du hørt om den nye svenske musefellen?' "
Or --
"A Luxembourger, a Fleming and an Andorran are strolling in Monte Carlo..."
Naaaah.
Now try--
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Connor an' me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little runt, O'Connor?" says Sean. "He couldn't do all that to you, man, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well, now," says Sean. "You should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in *your* hand?"
"That I did," says Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Heh. An' a tip o' the tam to V29. Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »
January 13, 2007
Heh.
Anybody seen Neffi or Bill lately?
Photo taken at Meadowlake Airport , Falcon, Colorado (suburb of COS ). Reportedly the pilot walked away after climbing down a tree.
H/t, Dick T.
January 11, 2007
Too much serious stuff.
Let's take a break.
Caption this:
I'll get you started.
Little known fact about Chef Emeril Lagasse... where "BAM BAM BAM!" came from. Sergeant Emeril kicks it up a notch!
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »January 05, 2007
What a difference...
...63 years makes in how a headline reads.
And, if General Shalikashvili, my first DIVARTY commander and the originator of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has his way..., that headline may read differently *again* in a few years, making Uncle Jimbo and Gay Patriot happy (and *not* making me unhappy, btw).
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »January 04, 2007
Buddies, source, differences by.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we screwed up...but man that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no Civilian could ever dream of...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste...that's alcohol abuse!!" Then carry you home safely and put you to bed...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the hell out for using your name in vain.
H/t, Dom J.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »January 03, 2007
Every Once In A While...
...I stumble across this old chestnut.
Suitably updated, naturally, from Being All that It Could Be in the Army of One to being Army Strong.
"Sir! Why, Sir, did the chicken cross the road, Sir?!?"
USAAVNC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with the tasks, conditions and standards inherent in road-crossing. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunrise and sunset. Solo chickens must have at least three miles visibility and a safety observer. Special considerations: MOPP Level IV Not Authorized.
HQ, DA: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 1-year unaccompanied tour and the chicken will have a stabilized 3-year tour upon its return. The chicken will not be eligible for re-deployment until at least three months after its return. Every chicken will be required to accomplish one road-crossing during its career, which will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.
TRADOC: This event will need confirmation by repeated iterations of road-crossing using various chicken breeds, road types and weather conditions in order to confirm whether it will consistently occur within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might be tasked with crossing Thruways/Interstate Highways. Commanders will insure that a Risk Assessment Worksheet is completed for each set of specified conditions.
USAREUR: The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained OPCON to SFOR and was not sliced to KFOR on the other side of the road. Without slicing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near-perfect, real-time, in-transit visibility.
USASC: The chicken was instructed to "Hold Short" of the road. This Road Incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Commanders will re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all Hold Short instructions.
CECOM: The legacy "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with multi-functional, supportable, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class Warrior and Supporting-Element Chickens (WSEC), enabling them to dominate the digital roads of today and tomorrow. However, previously-committed funding for legacy Comanche software development will require the Service to further slip initial fielding of the WSEC to the right by two-to-four years unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.
CENTCOM J-6 Chicken Systems Program Office (C2J6-CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, CSPO assisted the chicken in rethinking its physical distribution strategy and core-paradigm processes, thereby enabling the chicken to implement change in order to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not yet occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.
SOCOM: Chicken? What chicken? You did *not* see a chicken, understand?
Acronymed out? See Flash Traffic...
December 28, 2006
Motivators...
Joe is back. With more.
I think the thing I like the most about this picture is... the cooler. And what it represents about US soldiery.
The thing that has kept enemies for over a century thinking we're weak and unable to fight.
We like our comforts. And we'll still rip your guts out, ascetic-boy.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »December 26, 2006
Motivators...
...continuing from Sanger's trove...
This could be a Denizen Panty Raid.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »December 25, 2006
Motivators...
Sanger found some more...
December 22, 2006
December 21, 2006
Motivators...
This one seems apt for today - given Bill's story of being mortared, failure to honor a truce, and Oldloadrs observation yesterday about M113s wearing fencing.
December 20, 2006
December 19, 2006
A joke!
We need a joke. Well, it's a joke if you like Gutfield. If you're like the HuffPo Denizens who *don't* like Gutfield... well, let's face it, you aren't reading this stuff anyway, so what's it matter?
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please?" Again it was superb . The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50"..??
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?
H/t Cotillionites SWWBO (who got it from) CalTechGirl.
Speaking of Cotillionites - I just realized we were a Cotillion Sandwich in our category of the Weblog Awards.... I'd link, except their linkage stuff isn't working either... it's a disease, I tell ya.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »Maggie, maggie....
...Maggie.
You can dress the gurl up, but take her out at your own risk!
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »December 18, 2006
December 16, 2006
Hey! Whattaya want for Christmas?
This is a Denizen Post, so Denizens can put their answers in here, not just the comments. I think I'm going to leave it up top for a few days. Maybe even *through* to Christmas, just to give people who only check in once a week or so a chance.
Boquisucio sent this email to plant the seed:
Hello Boss,With 12 days 'til X-Mass, I wonder what the denizens out there would like for Christmas.
I for one would say: Oh Santa - for Christmas, I wanna' Sig Sauer .40 S&W
Two-Tone SP-2022 with SIGLITE® Night Sights, please-please-pleeeease!BOQ
This seems like an *excellent* idea! Come one, come all, and play! Readers and lurkers are encouraged to submit *their* wishes in the comments. You can be funny, you can serious. Just be nice. Naughty is okay, just be nice. If all ya got is Grinchy Scrooginess in you this holiday season, go take it out on someone else! To avoid the thing degenerating into argument - leave the politics at the door.
Okay. Me? I want one of these! A Vickers belt-filling machine. That would about complete the Vickers collection (not to mention just about double it's value...) Hey - I'll be happy to pay shipping!
If that's too pricey for you, this would be kewl, too.
What's on *your* list?
**************************************
What does gollum want for Xmas? He wants a lot.
10) A library of either the hard copy or saved to cd books necessary to make THE career change---you know, you have to cite stuff and can't just make chit up on a whim like Paul Krugman and the AP photo service.
9) The nice piece of sheepskin that would make people believe I know what I'm doing in new discipline (or the money to pursue it).
8) My Internet BB to spend 99% of the coming year happier and less grumpy than the last, 'ya grump.
7) Bill and Sanger to write more often. We miss you chuckleheads, and the wisdom you impart on us younglings that you don't even realize you are bestowing.
6) My committee to make up its mind whether to toss me or approve me so I can get on with my life---you heartless, soul-less wanks----or a lifetime supply of Coke so I can bash my head against a wall in perpetuity to make them happy.
5) The Wife to get passed her experimental road blocks so she can get finished on her PhD.
4) Un-insane in-laws. Not just the parents of The Wife, but the whole lot of them. They're almost all crazy.(You down with me on this one AFSis?)
3) A puppy. Happiness is a warm puppy. Schultz said so.
2) All the Boys and Girls wearing The Colors to come home in one piece, and of sound mind and spirit.
1) My buddy James to get home from Iraq in time for his daughter's second Christmas since he missed her first one. It'll take an act of Congress or someone in the Corps looking the other way for that to happen. But I'm still hoping.
ry
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December 14, 2006
Motivators - Attitude!
A positive outlook is important.
Suitable for framing, here.
So, a little attitude! Go Vote!. The lefties are winning this category in a walk... though MVRWC and Stop the ACLU are giving 'em a run for the money. The Castle isn't going to catch anyone. So, go vote for Stop the ACLU, and maybe the Right can score second place... I'm throwing my votes to Lex for Best Military Blog - if only to keep Matt's head under control.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »December 12, 2006
There is always a penalty...
...exacted for maintaining contact with kinfolk on the other side of Hadrian's Wall.
The penalty is -- British humo(u)r...
Far away, in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the warm, azure sea. One was named Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the numerous sharks that patrolled the area.One day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
As soon as Justin had fixated on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" – and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realized that his new, menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck. Justin figured that if the fish could change him from a prawn to a shark, he could just as readily change him back into a prawn. He begged the cod to return him to his original form and, lo and behold (again), he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
[note: the punch line does *not* involve a prawn cocktail -- that would be trite]
Looking around the boisterous gathering at the reef, Justin searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend went over to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!"
Christian replied, "No way, man, you'll eat me! You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked!"
Justin cried back, "No, no, I'm not! That was the old me -- I've changed..."
[punchline stashed in Flash Traffic to spare the excessively sensitive viewers -- both of them]
December 08, 2006
More secrets released by the NYT...
...a Top Sekrit photo representative of the extensive testing the Army Combat Uniform went through has been released by the New York Times.
Hey - one thing's for sure... the ACU works in an urban environment!
H/t, Mike L.
Reporting As Ordered, Sir! »November 28, 2006
I'm not fit to be in the Israeli Army!
Good thing I didn't join it, then.
From an email:
Oh puhleeze! And I thought most of this lunacy was confined to our own Perfumed Princes...Good thing they never knew about you and your murderous ways of nuking otherwise innocent Assassins in the middle of an arena. So much for your security clearance...
The article opens thusly:
Army frowns on Dungeons and DragonsIDF says players are detached from reality and automatically given a low security clearance
By Hanan Greenberg Published: 02.28.05, 14:17
Does the Israel Defense Forces believe incoming recruits and soldiers who play Dungeons and Dragons are unfit for elite units? Ynet has learned that 18-year-olds who tell recruiters they play the popular fantasy game are automatically given low security clearance.
“They're detached from reality and suscepitble to influence,” the army says.
Fans of the popular roleplaying game had spoken of rumors of this strange policy by the IDF, but now the army has confirmed that it has a negative image of teens who play the game and labels them as problematic in regard to their draft status.
You can read the whole thing here.
I was a powerful fighter back in my D&D days... and my Dungeon Mastering experience stood me in good stead when writing doctrine and designing sims. It's all fantasy anyway, right?
And *I* didn't nuke the Assassin - that happened when Bruce the Enchanter, with his farking Golf-Bag of Holding chock-full of rods, staves, wands and who-knows-what-else, teleported into the solid rock column of the cavern behind the gate of the castle of the frost giant Jarl... well, let's just say that it takes a *lot* of hit dice to account for the energies released. Not to mention the party survivors had to find another way in.
And puh-leeze, Kevin - you made your saving throw and got your diety deity [grumble] to resurrect you. Sheesh. Be glad he didn't resurrect you as a ferret! Yeah, naked and weaponless in arctic climes was a little rude, but hey, you sweet-talked everybody into giving you stuff. Of course, for a price. Which, as I recall, was a debt you welched on anyway...