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I only need five things to correct that TSA agent's procedural mistakes:
1) A chair
2) Some piano wire
3) A blowtorch
4) A fork
5) 20 minutes

That is all... 

9 Comments

 Stick a fork in her, she's done!

 
The whole TSA needs to be dismantled and all its employees sent back to fast food joints.  The management can go back to working through those agencies that find jobs for the mentally handicapped, e.g. http://www.prideindustries.com/  I'm sure that they could use more people to pick up trash under close supervision.
 
I prefer a ground stake, a short leash, and a length of garden hose.

Preferably wielded by an overly muscled, hyperactive, enthusiastic, redneck.
 
IF you are going to go with the stake, make it four of them, add some wet rawhide, and throw in an anthill for good measure.  Takes much less effort.  And you can sit as sip your favorite libation in the shade and watch all day.
 
 Let her "Sleep with the Fish".
 
Well. If you're gonna go "all medieval" on her, take a page from our Native American friends. How about staking them out, then lighting a fire on their stomach, then allowing the glowing coals to slowly burn into their intestines?

I have been given to understand this actually happened back when where I lived (Symmes Purchase south of Hamilton OH) was on the frontier, and Anthony Wayne was in charge.

 
 Joe, make that a Fire Ant colony and I'll buy in. A Surveyor friend was ding some subdivision work in the Chattanooga area when I guy in a three piece suit showed up. About 20 minutes later he noticed the guy was trying to come out of that suit as quickly as he could. Seems he had been standing next to a Fire Ant colony and they had gotten into his suit.

Fire Ants would make things very entertaining. The fire on the belly wouldn't provide nearly as much. But I will say that the Shawnee did like some rather gruesome ways of inducing death. Alan Eckart's "Winning Of The West" series is  good place to read about them.
 
Well, I can be a pretty nasty guy, at least in my own imagination. I hesitate to mention this one, as it grossed even me out, reading it in a W.E.B. Griffin novel: It seems that an FBI agent who went bad and took a job with a lawless Russian arms dealer went even worse and betrayed his Russian boss.  The police found the guy dead, duct-taped to a chair with a ball gag in his mouth. It seemed he had been slowly and systematically beaten to death  with a piece of angle iron, starting at the fingers and toes, and then working along the limbs and body toward the central parts.

Yep, that is definitely going way too far. I reckon a bit of yelling and screaming, some punching and kicking, and a jail sentence would be about right for that gal.
 
P.s. I will bet anybody reading this a dollar against a nickel that that TSA agent has no Neanderthal genes in her.