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How Army Staffs Map to High School Cliques...

H/t, Jim C.  Heh.  Having been an Adjutant (S1), S3, and S4... I validate this post.  Does the Commentariat Assembled have anything to add?
S1 (admin) - Yearbook Committee: This is group of people that think their job is much more important than it actually is. They are usually mostly female and their main job is to make sure that they know who everyone is, but they usually forget some people here or there. (see photo not available)

S2 (intel) - Goths: Almost never seen out in the sunlight and when they are they are very disengaged from the rest of the group. Usually very quiet and will not talk to others unless it is to dispatch some crazy warning about a mysterious and probable made up danger.

S3 (operations) - Jocks: For some reason this group has total authority over all the other groups despite any merit or logic. They are by far the biggest and most desirable group to be in, but resented by the other groups. Any decision made by this group, however frivolous, must be carried out by the rest under penalty of being shunned and mocked.

S4 (logistics) - Drug Dealers: A necessary evil, this group is generally disliked, but condoned by the other groups. They develop strange and intricate webs of favors and have far reaching connections and "hook ups" to get people what they want. Almost any request given to the group is changed and manipulated in the end to whatever they can get their hands on, which most people are generally happy enough with. Any dealing with this group could result in a loss of a significant amount of money for the individual.

S5 (plans) - Key Club: I have no idea what they do, but they seem to be into it.

S6 (commo) - Nerds: This group is both very useful and very socially awkward. While trying to have a conversation with them almost invariably leads to talk of coding and IP addresses. They have gained technical knowledge of a variety of systems from seemingly nowhere and have a distinct air of superiority over others that don't know the difference between a server and a network.

S7 (information operations)- The Manipulative Girlfriend: This group is very small and concerns themselves mostly with spreading lies for their own gain.. Almost no one believes anything that they say, but that does not stop them from telling stories, either about all the great things that are coming in the future or the nightmare that will be unleashed if you even think about going out with someone else.

S9 (civil-miltiary) - Hippie Volunteers: This group is very concerned about having a balanced environment and what effect our footprint has on the world. They spend most of their time working with other people outside of the staff, dreaming of a better world.

Special Staff (JAG, PAO, etc..) - Chess Club, Debate Team, Office Helpers etc...: These people are all very concerned with their particular niche, but no one else is. While they are handy to have around if you have a curious thought about one of their areas, for the most part they live in their own little world trying to interject their specific knowledge on everyone else.


Absolutely spot on!  As a former S1 (battalion and brigade), former S3Air (battalion), and former S4 (battalion and brigade), I can attest to the descriptions herein.

Well done!

Spot on!  I can testify to the fact that these descriptions are valid also at the G- and J- levels, as I have worked in the G-2 and G-5 with experience in the civilian world as the equivelant of G-6.

Would love to be able to add definition, but any additions would be rather superfluous.

Carry on! 

 Where i've been we couldn't have cared less about the Jocks. Most of teh Jocks I've known could play football or shoot hoops (I played baseball myself, a real man's sport, and Fast Pitch Softball in teh Military, anothe real ball players sport), but that was about the only worth in most of them. The Baseball dudes weren't considered Jocks at most places, and I didn't much care about the chicks until I was out of the Navy and in College, and was swiftly married after that, although I wasn't on the hunt.

OTOH, I was part of the S-6 crowd, as well as S-7 when we would put things over on the Jocks, although we didn't have to lie to do it. The schools I went to the school population was divided into MilBrats and the normals (except in Germany where even the Civil Service type's kids got inducted, temporarily mind you, into the MilBrat ranks). The rest of the places we were Foxes in the Hen house, and there was no outer guard. Sometimes I actually felt sorry for the poor normal kids. But not for long. Particularly since they thought MilBrats were the scum of the earth. So we had to teach them the real way of the world at odd intervals.

Now that I'm a Professional Engineer and Surveyor they automatically know I'm superior and I don't have to put them down anymore. But, it was fun while I was in High School.
I must (reluctantly) concur with the S3 assesment... although the best S3 MAJ and SGM I ever worked for would slap the bejeebers out of you if you developed that attitude!  MAJ J and SGM K's mantra was "the 3 shop is not the battalion's mission... our mission is to ensure the companies get what training and planning support they need to complete THEIR mission!"  A good lesson I learned as an E5 wayyyyy over my head in the 3!
 You didn't fit in at the HS I went to unless you were involved in three or more of those areas -- there weren't that many of us, back then, yanno.

But, yeah, all those analyses are smack on target. They're even more stereotypical at the G-Level...
 I'm with ya, Bill.  I was the jock captain of the football and wrestling teams who was captain of the debate team, and who hung with the a/v nerds because they got to run the movie projector.
What, no mention of Ordnance people?  I knew a couple of 'em, and they were quite weird and nerdy. I dated one when I was young, and she later became an actual Major Barbara.   What is really weird is that of the small number of wimminz I have hung out with, a good half of them had Barbara as one of their names. No wonder I ended up at this place.
Well, Major, that kind of stuff was easy for you, having two brains, and all. M'self, I only have one and it's mostly nerdy, so the only jockish stuff I did was running track for a year. Track doesn't require much in the way of Skillz. Coach Injaychock's policy was never to cut anyone, so I got to compete and come in last. (I, too, have a 29" inseam.)  At meets, I mostly got to be a block setter and hurdle-mover.

   It was good for my physical development though, both aerobically and non-.  We generally did a mile or two each afternoon at various distances and then went into the weight room for an hour or so.  I came home from school tired, but it was a _good_ tired, as they say.

I also learned not to use the thumb on the stopwatch, but the index finger.
I spent some time in the S4 shop, many years ago, and we were NOT drug dealers.  We were thieves.  Honest thieves, (we only stole stuff from other units,) but thieves nontheless.  Allow me to provide an example:  [TINS WARNING]

The battalion had been on an extended field training cycle which included a comprehensive live-fire for all of our mortars, the 81mm platoons from the three rifle companies, and the 4.2" platoon in the heavy weapons company (which in those days was euphemistically referred to as the "Combat Support Company.)  Consequently we had about one-and-a-half metric buttloads of empty ammo crates stacked up on the loading dock behind the Four Shop.  Bright and early on Monday morning a detail showed up, we loaded the empty crates into a handfull of deuce-and-a-halfs, and off we went to the ammo point to turn in the residue and clear our hand receipt.

To our shock and dismay, we discovered that we were 30 81mm crates short, and therefore (Quelle horreur!) could not clear our hand receipt.  So SSG B, the Ammo NCO, (who was also my roommate in the barracks,) re-signed the updated hand receipt, and we wound our way back to the cantonment area, where we reported the situation to the S-4, the S-4 NCOIC, and the Assistant S-4, Lieutenant D, an earnest young man who was prone to oscillating wildly when things did not go according to plan.  SSG B stated that it was his opinion that the missing crates had simply been misplaced, and would likely turn up over the next few days, and that the open hand receipt would be closed in plenty of time for us to draw massive amounts of 7.62mm 4+1 for the M-60 machine-gun requalification scheduled in two weeks.  The S-4 NCOIC grunted approvingly, and nothing more was said about the matter.  However, a practiced eye might have noticed that Lt D, who, among other things was designated as the "Ammunition Officer," had developed a minor facial tic.

A week later, it was Monday again, but this time it was the Monday after our first full weekend off in close to two months, and a lot of people were walking around sort of gingerly, as if their heads had somehow become very fragile.  We went to work after PT, cleanup, and breakfast, and when we unlocked the door to the storage bay behind the Four Shop, we found a neat stack of thirty 81mm ammo crates.  Precisely the number needed to clear our hand receipt.  "Cool," said SSG B, who headed for the motor pool to get a truck.  Everybody else stood there marvelling.  The S-4 NCOIC grunted something unintelligible, turned a baleful eye on the clerks, and everybody suddenly found something else that needed doing.

About 0945, a thought seeped into Lt D's brain:  there were only six people with keys to the storage bay, and he and CPT K, the S-4, were two of them, and the Lt was pretty nearly certain that neither of them had had anything to do with the sudden appearance of thirty ammo crates in the back room.  So the Lt stated questioning the other people with keys, and eventually he got to my desk.  "Sergeant Kirk, what do you know about those ammo crates out back?"

"Sir, all I know is that we had a visit from the Ammo Crate Fairy over the weekend, and, like Harry Flashman, all I plan to do about it is lick up the honey and ask no questions."

The Lt was completely focused on his objective and so totally failed to notice my elegant little literary allusion, (although our motor maintenance warrant officer, who had come by to try to wheedle some extra Class 9 money so he could fix the stuff we'd broken over the last two months, was doing his very best to not break our laughing.)  Instead Lt D accused me of being a criminal: "Sergeant Kirk, you stole those ammo crates, didn't you?"

"Sir, I can prove those crates were not stolen."

"Really? How do you figure that?"

"Are they government property?"


"Have they left the government reservation?"


"Are they in the hands of unauthorized persons?"


"Are they going to used for an unauthorized or non-government purpose?"

"No, but..."

"Then, Sir, I put it to you that the most that can be said is that some person or persons unknown did nothing more than to make an informal reallocation of an available government resource."

"Sergeant Kirk, with logic like that,  in another twenty years you'll either be in Leavenworth, or you'll be the Sergeant Major of the Army."

And at that point, SSG B pulled up with a deuce, and we tossed the thirty crates in the back, and he went off to clear his hand receipt.

And thirty years after that, I'm still a loggie.  I just get paid a lot better as a DA Civilian than I ever did as a soldier...

And if you ask me nice, I'll even tell you about what SSG B and I did to prevent further ammo crate shortages...

Having been in the 1, 3, & 4 shops, I will admit that this generally applies to the Navy as well, with the possible exception of N9.  I'm not sure we bother.
You forgot S8 (Finance) the "rich kids" who tell everyone else how they need to get by with less, after meeting in Las Vegas for a "training" event.
Well done.
S-5 and J-5 are the student government types.  While rarely asked to do so, they can occasionally rein in the Jocks of 3 and the drug dealers of 4.  With reference to "strategic plans" and "organizational charters," they have the task of making the pretend world match what is going on in the school halls. 
In regards to what Blake K said about S-4 NOT being drug dealers, I had a platoon sergeant tell me I was too honest to be in supply.

And could you please tell us how you prevented future ammo crate shortages? Wait. let me guess, what did these ammo boxes look like? (We didn't have anything heavy in my unit.) Are these the wooden ones? Hmmm.... 
And when did the S- go past four? I thought all that fancy stuff was brigade or division.