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One of the advantages of getting old is...

By Bill on January 25, 2011 | | Comments (41)
...that people send you jokes about getting old.

The other advantage to getting old is that you've probably forgotten that you already saw them last week.

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the retirees' biggest gripe?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: What is considered formal attire to a retiree?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
"No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker...

"O Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference."


Heh. A tip o' the dinged and dented SPH-4 flight helmet to Jose Martinez.



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41 Comments

By Rich Koone on January 25, 2011 8:12 AM
These are great, I am going to save this so I can enjoy it every week.
 
By MIke L on January 25, 2011 8:31 AM
Rich - you're still a mere pup!!  If I tried to save it for next week, I'd forget where I saved it!!  Best to Nan.  ML
 
By DL Sly on January 25, 2011 8:42 AM
My Pop used to have this on the wall opposite the toilet in his bathroom. 

The Golden Years

The golden years have come to me.
I cannot see
I cannot pee

I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh My God what can I do?

My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell!

My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years has come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.

0>;~}
 
By PrimEvil on January 25, 2011 10:46 AM
I used to know a lot of retirement jokes. I was going to write them all down, but forgot.
Oh, the light-bulb joke reminds me; got to put away that package of bulbs I brought home from the 
store the other day. I'll get around to that later, there just isn't enough time in the day. What was it
we were talking about?
 
By John of Argghhh! on January 25, 2011 11:52 AM
And we wonder why there are virtually *no* kidz who hang around here...
 
By BillT on January 25, 2011 2:09 PM
Hah! We're *all* virtual kidz here...
 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 5:08 PM
Hey! I'm only 10 and I hang out here! "Soldiers are slow to grow up." -- Captain Sir Basil Liddell-Hart. That goes double for aviators, and triple for auties/aspies.
 
By seadog on January 25, 2011 5:18 PM
Define "Kid" please.  I'm 48, but I lurk.
 
By Cricket on January 25, 2011 5:42 PM
A 'kid' is anyone younger than Bill.
 
By DL Sly on January 25, 2011 6:07 PM
"A 'kid' is anyone younger than Bill."

Well, helk, that's pretty much everyone on the planet.
0>;~}
 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 6:28 PM
And yet, Bill is still doing Stupid Kid Tricks like letting HE shock waves pass through his head, and in foreign countries, to boot. I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up.
 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 6:52 PM
For Seadog and other newcomers, I'm not really 10 chronologically, more like 60. I'm 10 in my mind, though!
 
By BillT on January 25, 2011 6:59 PM
I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up.

Annoyed.

 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 7:38 PM
Here endeth the thread.
   
By MAJ Mike on January 25, 2011 8:04 PM
My inner self still thinks its 25.  My knees, ankles, and eyesight have a better grip on reality.

I'm building a 1/35 scale model of a Panther Ausf A.  Its the same brand kit I built 40 years ago, but the parts seem to have gotten smaller.  Hard to read the index numbers on the parts trees.

My pancreas tried to kill me 3 years ago, can't enjoy brewpub beer or gins and tonic anymore.

Getting older is not for cowards.
 
By John of Argghhh! on January 25, 2011 8:21 PM
Oh, go ahead and build an Ausfuerhung D.  The A's all burned from exhaust fires anyway.
 
By Quartermaster on January 25, 2011 8:27 PM
 Major, it sure ain't for sissies as I told my Physical Therapist yesterday. And my arms seem to be getting shorter for some reason.
Since BillT will probably never grow up (I won't, why should he?) when will the call come from AFG to start training their AF? And would Bill go?

Looks like Bill wins the bet and JTG loses. Not sure what he loses though. Can't be his mind since that's already gone.
 
By Barb on January 25, 2011 8:31 PM
I'm betting that Bill has no intentions of growing up.  I certainly don't  ;-)
 
By SFC D on January 25, 2011 8:43 PM
I'm 48 and afraid to retire...I'll have to grow up and get a real job!
 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 8:47 PM
Q-m, why are you assuming that I had a mind, in the first place? The concept of Free Will was discussed in a Heinlein juvenile novel, and dismissed as a very shaky theory. A few sentences later, the concept of Predestination was discussed, and dismissed as another very shaky theory. I think the Book of Common Prayer finesses that the best. Read the 39 Articles and attend Anglican services. I do.
 
By MAJ Mike on January 25, 2011 8:56 PM
Oh!  I'm 61 and 70 year old ladies are flirting with me at the grocery store.
 
By Grumpy on January 25, 2011 9:59 PM
@DL Sly, I like the poem that your dad had on the wall, I'm only 62 years old. Is that what I have too look forward to in my life? 
 
 
By Justthisguy on January 25, 2011 11:06 PM
@Grumpy: Not necessarily; my Dear Dead Dad was perfectly functional mentally up until he died at age 89, and perfectly functional physically until shortly before that.
 
By Casey on January 26, 2011 12:04 AM
MAJ Mike, I'm about 10 years behind you, but all my models shrunk as well. I wear bifocal contacts, yet still need reading glasses for the fiddly details. Don't even get me started in all the teeny gizmos inside computers.

 
By Justthisguy on January 26, 2011 12:24 AM
Thank God for asymmetrical myopia and autistic hyper-acute senses! My starboard eyeball now has its sharpest focus at exactly the same distance as the front sight of a handgun when I hold it properly. Being able to hear the tinnitus really, really well does suck, though.
 
By DL Sly on January 26, 2011 7:29 AM
Grumpy,
My Pop also had this poster right beside the other one:

Why Worry?

In this life there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will be rich or poor.

If you are rich, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are poor, there are only two things to worry about.

Either you will be healthy or sick.
If you are healthy, there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will live or you will die.

If you live, there is nothing to worry about.
If you die there are only two things to worry about.

You will either go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven, there will be nothing to worry about.

If you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!

So why worry?

0>;~}
 
By Cricket on January 26, 2011 8:30 AM

Welcome to retirement, Bill.  I foresee a book in your future:  "There And Back Again, A Fobbit's Holiday" or something to that effect...

I am gratified to see that while I am chronologically older than some Young Pups here who shall remain nameless, but whose initials are seadog and JTG, I am just as immature as the rest of them!


 

 
By Cricket on January 26, 2011 8:36 AM

And I don't mean 'fobbit' to apply to Bill...but more to how he fit into the Scheme of Things. 

 
By Skip on January 26, 2011 1:18 PM
Is this the geezers club I heard about?
 
By John of Argghhh! on January 26, 2011 1:52 PM
Laugh, Skip.  What we know is... you'll be us before you know it. 
 
By Grumpy on January 26, 2011 2:44 PM
John, just a thought, about Skip's  question, about the "geezers club", there are many ways to approach that question. You have an interesting touch, that I really like. But sometimes,  a chuckle or smile says it all.

@JTG, I was fortunate enough to know some real old-timers. My own Grandfather, was born, about five years after the Civil War, he died in the mid-50s. At my father's suggestion I met with a small village of men who worked on the  “Manhattan Project “  with Albert Einstein. You would think the man would not have a sense of humor, but you could never be more wrong. They were pulling pranks all of time.

@SLY, after reading the second piece on your Dad's  wall, I now understand why I was issued my own pack of matches. This was something, one of the men, always teased me about, it was all done in good fun.
 
 
By BillT on January 26, 2011 3:33 PM
Welcome to retirement, Bill.

I'm not retiring (again) yet, Lady Cricket.

More like an intensive work-break in between jobs...

 
By Skip on January 26, 2011 6:37 PM
I am already 'us'.
6/19/43...sigh.
 
By Cricket on January 26, 2011 6:44 PM
Ah.  Catching up with the honeydos.  The Engineer is now gainfully employed by Sam's Club.  Hey, it is a job and no, he is not a greeter.  He was hired for his abilities in night stocking...
he told the HR guy he did that in the military, but he meant 'night stalking.'  Oh well.

 
By Fishmugger on January 26, 2011 7:18 PM
Ha...I beat you Skip 5/1/43 but not retired yet. Seems a salesman's work is never done. Keeps me alert and drives my boss nuts. Making more money then him is always fun when he tells me I not working hard enough and am over paid. Hey, I'm on commissions.
 
By Skip on January 26, 2011 7:32 PM
Retirement is little boring.
Go to the range and turn money into noise.
Reload a buncha empty brass and shotshells.
Go to the range.....
And if I'm real lucky and the sun peeks out I get to piss myself off on the golf course.
 
By Saker on January 26, 2011 9:52 PM
*sneaking away quietly* 
 
By Grumpy on January 27, 2011 1:17 AM
 Saker, You just keep sneaking away quietly, but remember one thing, there are two kinds of people. 1. Those that are getting older and 2.the dead, make your choice. I just hope you're in the first group for all long time. Me, I would just be to dang stubborn.  My grandfather would not buy on mule because the dang grandkids would teach him how to be stubborn. My VA doc told me once, “You are a fugitive from a coroner.” On the same day, I was sitting in a coffee shop, having coffee with some old Vet's. As we were sitting there, the same day after the appointment with this old VA doctor, overall just chatting. Here comes County Coroner, she is still in scrubs. We were all running around, I checked my pulse and said, "She's not here for me.”  She bought her coffee and then walked down to me and said, “I can always pronounce you.” I saw her many times and every time there was always a joke. But just one time, she came in and I was outside, as she walked by, I asked her, “does it bother you in any way?” She asked, “Have  you been in the Military?” I asked her, “Why the question?” She just said, “There are not many people who will joke with a coroner.” She was a nice lady, but we joked and had fun with it. It is strange that I can talk about that and no that out of the 11 people there, I am the only survivor. Out of be 11, 8 died this month's, this is exactly the same way the year 2001 started, only with less in the first month, none of her stories can be told. The rest is history.   
 
By Cricket on January 27, 2011 9:42 AM
What I got in my email this morning:

"RETARDED" GRANDPARENTS


Written by a third grader , on what his grandparents do.

After Christmas , a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house , but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles , and wear name tags , because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center , but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now , they do exercises there , but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too , but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate , there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out , and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks , they just eat out. And , they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out , bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and , says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment , I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out , so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS

Forward to all your "retarded grandparent" friends. Or just your "retarded" friends.