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New Kid on the FOB -- uhhhh -- COS. Whatever...

Every military organization copes with something euphemistically described as “turbulence” – basically, it means “personnel turnover,” troops rotating out and their replacements rotating in. Now, a military unit has to deal with that fairly continuously, and each unit will assign a sponsor to each incoming troop in order to get him (okay, or her – sheesh) adjusted, settled, and functioning as rapidly as possible. The sponsor usually gets billeting squared away first to give the New Kid an anchor, then hand-carries him (or her -- all right, already) through the inprocessing ritual of personnel, finance, supply, arms room, etc.

Well, us mercenary war-profiteering contractor parasites usually don’t go through much personnel turbulence (unless the contract is a real sourball – some guys just can’t stick it out and they bail), because the contract is usually short enough that everyone rotates in and exits together.

Except for the multi-year ones. We’re in the last year of a multi-year, and guys have been departing as their individual contracts expire, or just go on leave. Then we get New Kids. And the New Kid requires a sponsor, or he (or she – that’s it, enough!) would spend the first week or so over here just trying to figure out where to find a crash pad.

Well, our Chief Problem Solver took leave, and we got a New Kid to cover down. I got tagged with being the sponsor.

No problem setting up transportation from the terminal, or getting billeting – did that a week ago. So, New Kid arrives yesterday, full of questions, and I answer them during all the New Kid Trots Alongside Sponsor Stuff.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NK: “What’s the real story about camel spiders?”
Me: “Forget every horror story you may have heard. They’re not aggressive towards people, and they’ll run up walls trying to get away from you. If they run towards you, they’re either looking to hide in your shadow or you’re blocking their escape route.”
NK: “How big are they?”
Me: “Biggest one I’ve seen so far was only about the size of a CD. Not counting the legs.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NK: “How about Kurdistani vipers?”
Me: “Well, we’ve got four different types of vipers up here, but they’re pretty much nocturnal and with the weather turning cooler, they won’t be active at night. Same with scorpions – we’ve got some real baddies here, so don’t go lifting up any interesting-looking boards or cinderblocks. Nearest antivenin is in Baghdad, and if you get stung by a crassicauda or a hottentota, you might not live long enough for a medevac. I’ll show you what they look like – the medics have a couple in formaldehyde.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NK: “How about incoming? What’re my chances of getting hit?”
Me: “If you hear the klaxon, just drop in place. Forget about listening for the ‘Incoming! Incoming! Incoming!’ warning – just drop. And I’ve been here almost three years and they haven’t killed me yet.”

Note that I phrased that last sentence very precisely…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Well, New Kid will only be here for a few weeks, so The Boss said, “You stick with Bill the whole time you’re here – anything comes up, he’ll solve it.”

Just. Great.

I don’t already have enough to do, apparently.

But, that’s not NK’s fault, so we threw a cookout meet-and-greet last night, and everybody’s more than happy NK is here to help with the workload.

*tsk* My bad -- forgot my manners.

Meet the New Kid...

...and she looks just as good from the front...

...and I'm old enough to be her grandfather, so you can just forget about those snarky little asides, m'kay?

Yeah, as if your next stop *isn't* gonna be the comment box...


Cradle Robber!
Has the "Welcome to Iraq" rocket attack happened yet?
Why, Jtg, do I detect an unseemly streak of -- *mistrust* -- in my ability to conduct myself in a sponsor-like, gentlemanly, professional manner? 

Yeah, first boom was this morning, Pogue. NK did fine -- even asked me how far away I thought it hit while she dusted off her jeans.

UnkaBill, you *were* Asking For It, as you well know.
Back in early 2009, when we were doing our pre-deployment MRX, we were expecting a visitor. Direct report to the Undersecretary of Defense for Policy.  So most definitely a VIP.  I got tagged with being the escort - meet and greet, in brief, schedule meetings with our command group, etc.  Of course, this is in addition to my regular duties, so I griped out about it all.

Then she showed up.

And I wasn't allowed to gripe any more.
OFS -- Co dep-oi, mo' hai.
Did you 'splain to her why they're called Camel Spiders?  Since that is what they usually have for breakfast each day....
You say "Old enough to be her grandfather", or did she say "Old enough to be my grandfather!" /snark 'Cause I know some great-grandfathers who are still getting into trouble. Yes, getting, not trying. Both of you be careful and stay safe!
No, she said I'm only old enough to be her father, but I think she was just being kind.

Tomorrow, I turn her loose on an unsuspecting bunch of contractors.

She also carries one of those gazillion-decibel "attack-repellers," btw. She fried my ears with it while she was trying to get the flashlight function to work...
How can I get a cushy job like that??? heh. Actually applied to (The Haliburton subsidiary) when HP laid me off several years back. I figured what the heck? They're probably paying contractors stupid money to do the work.... then I had the interview and found out exactly what they were paying. The interviewer was going on and on and on about how well the contractor's did with all the overtime and benefits and all. I just told him thanks for the consideration... and hung up.
The answer is NO. Those pants don't make her b*tt look big.  Just sayyin'.
" you can just forget about those snarky little asides, m'kay?"

Heh, as if.
Well it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for...

Oh excuse me...besides being a recruiting poster for the contractor, what is her specialty? She's not a mechanic for your whirrleydoodle birds, is she?

Is she allowed to carry a gun? I'm sure there are plenty of guys who will carry it for her.
I am shocked, *shocked*, I say, to find snarkitudinous commentary following *any* post of mine.

Just as shocked as I am to find lizards in the sim bays every friggin' morning...
That Good ? Toi doc oi!
Were they Ghekos or skanks (the lizards, I mean)?  The NK is definatley no skank...
Skink Ol, skink.  We pedants do get tired of cleaning up after the slobs.
You can't hide from the internets, OFS-san and Tuttle.  Handy Vietnamese Phrases.  I'm just SHOCKED.  Shocked!  What did that poor woman's great-aunt's sofa ever do to you?
Okay Bill ... you are older and more mature now. I don't wanna hear about you dropping the sides on the shower while the lady is cleaning up ..... like you did to that Hotlips chick in Korea back in the day.

But if you do and you don't film it ... it's over for me and Bill posts.
*checking video setting on camera*

Yup. Works.
*flipping secret x-10 remote switch*  Now it just *thinks* it works.  Replacing stored footage with "People of Wal-Mart" jpgs ...
Now, BCR, that's just cruel.  And not prudent. I betcha Bill has connections in yer neck of the woods, who could do tricks which would shame the most shamelessy deviant SFCon-goer.
Oh good grief.

I can't judge, though. I, too, can appreciate a fine looking member of the opposite sex. :)
Not just that, Saker, we know how you gals compare yer looks to those of the other gals. You all do it. I mind my Mom watching the Miss America contest to see how the other Mississippi gals did. (generally, right well)
P.s. My Mom used to buy me G. Gordon Liddy's Stacked and Packed calendar every year. Being a good-lookin' wummun is Serious Business in Mississippi. 
Well on the positive side NK is not going to be lost.  She might think she is, but ask around and half a dozen men will point to her precise location.
Hey Saker ... aim I the opposite sex ... or are you?
How many steps to your one did she have to take in order to Keep Up with you? 
Ever the gentleman, I just slow my normal pace so she doesn't have to run to keep up.
Poor Bill.
Always pulling the short straw.....

BCR:  People of Walmart??? Oh, you are a cruel mistress.... which is why I love you.
Pulling the *short* -- ?!?

Oh. "Straw."

Never mind.
I'd be very tempted to let her walk a little in front of me.
I have superb peripheral vision.
Makes me wanna get back into the service ;)
Straw... is that what you're calling it these days, Bill?
Heh. Just...heh.
"Straw... is that what you're calling it these days, Bill?"

He'll call it long as it doesn't have the word *short* in front of it.
After BCR's post, I went looking on the Intarwebz for People of Walmart.  My children are now catatonic and we think we can get them talking by Thanksgiving.

The eldest partially recovered enough to mumble 'brain bleach' before he went silent again.  We are hoping 'The Sound of Music' and 'Mary Poppins', as well as 'Peter Pan' will help in the therapy.
heeehehehehehehehehehe.  hee.  Sorry, Cricket.  I thought you knew how evil I was.  Everyone else does ...

And for your eldest, I would rather suggest something along the lines of the Women's Beach Volleyball Championships.  You don't want him getting teh diabeetus, do you?  (Mary Poppins?  I'm evil, but that's just downright mean!)
Hey, don't go ragging on the Trapp family because of that stupid movie! Captain von Trapp was a virtuous badass bubblehead in the service of the Austro-Hungarian navy!

His wife taught me how to play the recorder with the method she wrote.

Sadly, her husband was like Ashley Wilkes; valiant in war, and hopeless in business.