Check your powers of deduction, and see if you can figure out exactly *when* it started in each of the following scenarios:
I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't get her a gift at all. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And ...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
Then I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, she just answered, "Yes."
So I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
And...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
For some reason, the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Good Lord!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And...
________________________________
When our lawn mower finally broke down, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...
Always something more important.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And...
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife replied, "Yeah. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror, very unhappy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And...
________________________________
Heh. Tip of the dented flight helmet to Spanky, the Mohawk driver.
I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't get her a gift at all. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And ...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
Then I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, she just answered, "Yes."
So I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
And...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
For some reason, the waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Good Lord!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And...
________________________________
When our lawn mower finally broke down, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...
Always something more important.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And...
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife replied, "Yeah. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror, very unhappy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And...
________________________________
Heh. Tip of the dented flight helmet to Spanky, the Mohawk driver.
My work here is done...
Margaret looked him over 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
And.....
0>;~}
And...
Serves ya right.
heh
And to answer your question, most likely snoozing away in my big, warm bed.
0>;~}
The man driving the damaged car jumped out to check the damage, and Ted saw that he was a dwarf. After perusing the caved in trunk, shattered tail lights, and hanging bumper, the man walked up to Ted, looked him in the eye, and said "I AM NOT happy!!"
"Well, which one of them are you, then?" Ted asked.
And...
The man looks her up and down then decides "I think I'll have the soup".
Cheers
I responded, "...because Mad Cow Disease was taken."
And then........