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Some thoughts on the mutability of retirement plans...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life -- right up until the ship sank.

He drifted in his life jacket until he washed ashore on an island with no other people, no supplies -- nothing except bananas and coconuts.

One morning about four months later, he was lying on the beach and the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to the shore. Stunned, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island, where I landed when the cruise ship I was on sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to find a rowboat washed up on shore."

"Oh, this thing?" explained the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. I whittled the oars from driftwood. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, there's a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron that I used to make tools, and then used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy was stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So, after a short row, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied the rowboat to the dock with an expertly-woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, the woman casually said, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please -- would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurted out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they exchanged their individual survival stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, was a razor made from a turtle's leg bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened to its end, inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What's next?" When he finished shaving and showering, she greeted him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of gardenias, and she beckoned him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stared into his eyes, smiling knowingly.

"You mean..." he swallowed excitedly, as tears started to form in his eyes, "You've built a golf course?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

H/t to V-29 -- who's probably out on a golf course somewhere...


I know one worse than that. This good ol' boy was out in the woods, looking for quarry to shoot. Suddenly up sprang out of the bushes a gorgeous grinning wide- eyed nekkid wummun, who cheerfully approached him.  He asked her, "Are you game?"

She nodded and said, "Oh yeah!"

So he shot her.
"And they proceeded to make love. And after the act she asked 'How was that?'. And he said "Great, but look what you did to my clam digger"
Fish, I think some of us will need to read what went before the punch line to understand that joke. That's assuming you're not just making a bad comment on Bill's jest.
I wondered who'd be the first to admit knowing that one, FM...
A young man was marooned on a deserted island. One day, after many years, while he was walking the beach he spied a woman washed up. After he revived her, she asked how he survived. "Oh I fished, and hunted and dug for clams". Well what did you do for a love life, she asked. "Love life? What's that?". So she proceeded to pull him down on the sand and demonstrate....see above post for punch line.
An Inspirational Golf Story.......

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.  At first I said, "Naaahhh! I already play 3 times a week."
Then they said to me "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I thought...
"Shit, I could win this thing!"
Over at Cassie's, the hot topics are sex and relationships.

Here, it's guns and sex and golf.

Go figure...

"Here, it's guns and sex and gold."

At least Cass has hers in the proper order.....
So, it *is* sex first, then the relationship?

Dang. Been doin' it backwards all these years...
 "Been doin' it backwards all these years..."

Umm, Mr. DeBille,.....
*checks over shoulder, sees looming boot-shaped shadow*
Hmmmm.  DL, I'm thinking if you can get creative, I might just keep the boot in the closet for a while.
@BillT, How about bringing level of humor down, so the youngins' gan catch on. You'll save yourself a lot explaining. ; - )
It should be "...  so the youngin's *CAN* catch on." You could also say this is about, *What to do AND What NOT to do or "Best Lessons Learned." ; - )
Hmm, no gurlz on this thread.  I find this surprising, as it seems to be all about stupid boy tricks.  Mayhap they're afraid that if they show up, we'll complain about stupid girl tricks?  Never fear, ladies,  y'all are right good at describing and ridiculing the stupid girl tricks, yerselves, and we can all laugh at both kinds.