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Why Parents Drink

Not saying the Auld Soldier ever got a note like this.  But there was this one time, at band camp...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonitions he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy says that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.  We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...
H/t, Jim H. via Mike L.


Ahhhh...children do bring a  "special" joy, don't they?  :)
 Ahahaha, I used to check our mailbox at the post office and intercept the letters that I thought were incriminating.

I hope Miles is less sneaky than I was.
Nineteen year old daughter at dinner: "I'm planning on going to the Pocono's with Andy this week end. Is it alright?"

Me: "Sure".

Daughter: "It's really alright?"

Me: "What are you going to do in the Pocono's that you're not already doing here?"

Daughter: "oh."

Me: "And besides...Andy has seen my shotguns."

Daughter: "How did you know?"

Me: "I'm alive and at one time I was your age...and neither your mother nor I were virgins when we got married."

Daughter: "Did you ever want her to be a virgin?"

Me: "How much fun is it teaching your mother anything?"

Daughter: "Good point."

My daughter and Andy are married for many years now and have a 15 year old daughter. I looked at my granddaughter and looked at them and said "remember the Poconos...and Andy I'll loan you one of my shotguns."
Fishmugger... you're a smart man, and so is Andy.
My Dad did the same thing so none of the guys here in Ireland  had the guts to take me or my 2 sisters out so............That is why I married Oldloadr...bullets dont travel that far....