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AAR, Part Two: "How To Catch Pneumonia Without Really - errrrr - What I Did On My Winter Vacatio - ummmm - Aaaaah, Forget It"

Now, as some of you (about twenty, unless ElTee is ditzier than she pretends to be) will remember, I mentioned in Part One that I had once again demonstrated the futility of attempting to gain instant acclimation to sub-zero (Centigrade, Aaron) temperatures by wandering around in a blizzard immediately (okay, fourteen hours – picky, picky, picky) after departing the lush greenery of Mesopotamia. Not that I don’t *enjoy* dressing up like Roald Amundsen and daring the elements, y’unnerstand, but doing it at 0530 after consuming only a single pot of coffee is just asking for it.

Not that I had much choice in the matter. I had to clear up the Gaia-created abatis

blocking the walkway before I could get to the job I had my heart set on doing – clearing the driveway of two feet of *wet* snow before it solidified into a glacier.

The trees of the Jungle have lost limbs in the two-to-three inch diameter range to storms and snowfalls before, but it’s been years since they’ve shed five-inchers. A *lot* of five-inchers.

In addition, naturally, to the usual crop of two-to-three inchers.

This is about two hours’ worth of wood-dragging through the drifts.

The shed is 10 feet tall by 12 feet wide, and the walkway to it is 15 feet long. And that’s one of *four* piles of coniferous, carbon-sucking cordwood.

The two bright, shining silver linings that kept me going were

1. I got a reprieve (temporarily) from KtLW’s Honeydew List from Hades (HLfH) and

2. I got to play with some toys I haven’t played with since 2006!

And sorry, but John’s “I bayoneted myself” remains sacrosanct.

I didn’t massacre myself with the chainsaw.

I didn’t do a job on myself with the hatchet (or the survival tool).

I didn't separate either radius or ulna or any other part of my arm with the radial saw.

I didn’t get hammered.

I didn’t lop any limbs (or digits) attached to my corporeal self.

I came, I sawed, I survived – despite losing a link in the chain a half-hour into the job, and dodging *additional* limbs that decided to snap while I was collecting their previously-fallen buddies.

Took two days to whack the %$#@! things into four-foot lengths and tote them to the front yard so the cleanup crews could haul them away come springtime.

And I got to do it all over again after Stormageddon arrived, five days later...

For those of you – and you *know* who you are – agonizing that I didn’t get to the HLfH, relax. It took me a while to accomplish all 2,375 items, but I got ‘er done. Most of them weren’t exactly photogenic (“#873: Replace basement doorframe the dogs ate while Sue’s cat was loose in the basement”), but I’m sorta pleased with the way this one turned out:

“#2,368: Paint the wood strip between the entranceway and the Family Room to look like a piece of the floor in the Family Room.”

A tad too much blue in it, now that I look at it, but otherwise, not too shabby a-tall…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Spoiler for AAR, Part Three: A couple of my fellow war-profiteering contractor parasites are first-timers – never been outside CONUS before.

Meaning, they’ve never been under fire before.



Unka Bill, you shoulda contacted the Engineer.  He is a sub-zero type from PA and has a chainsaw.  Nothing more than two guys going at it with chainsaws over life and limb.
That said, ya did good.  I love the tile, and the strip looks decent enough.  Would you touch it up when you get back?

Items for the next 'Stories from Unka Bill:'  Doggies.  We has to hear about Whisperings, we does.  Cat house rules in Joisey.  Finally, an elaboration on the spoiler.

I am studying cost accounting.  This class has been the roughest one, so far.  It isn't the math.
THAT I can handle.  It is the cerebral triple-speak bogged down by S-O and the arbitrary nature of How to Allocate Costs that has me little head swimming...
Gee, Lady Cricket, I figured you'd have had the Engineer booked solid this winter -- I was raised in the wilds of New Yawk, but every so often I go visit places that leach the cold-tolerance out of me.

The spoiler is for Part Three, and Critter Elaborations will have to go as Part One (A). Meanwhile, I think an elucidation on your intro to Sorbonne's Oxalis might be in order -- after I was introduced to it years ago, I came to the conclusion that, in order to be in full compliance, one would be in violation of several ethical precepts and at least two of the Ten Commandments...

Very artistic. :)

I gotta admit, Bill, I'm sort of sad I missed the snowpocalypse. Years and years of prayers for snowstorms as a kid, and what happens? It waits until I'm in Arizona. But stories like yours make me not miss it as much.
Saker, yer from western Pennsyltucky -- how could you *not* have gotten at least a couple of Arctic-class blizzards when you were a kid?
That *is* a nice paint job, Bill.
I was going to compliment your paint job also, but didn't want to encourage KtLW to add house painting to the HLfH.
Russ - yer safe.  KtLW does *not* read Castle Argghhh!

In fact, I rather suspect that if she could, she'd block it.

I once called Bill@home.  KtLW answered, and informed me that Bill didn't live there anymore.

She's not terribly fond of Bill's invisible friends.
...but didn't want to encourage KtLW to add house painting to the HLfH.

She pulled that one on me the first weekend in November, not too many years ago. I convinced her that it was a task best left until Spring by popping into the house twenty minutes later and showing her the paint brush standing erect in a half-can of frozen paint.

I *knew* I'd put that old fridge in the garage for more reason than just chilling beer...

KtLW answered, and informed me that Bill didn't live there anymore.

I'll spare you the information she gave *me* after that one.
Verrr nice paint job, indeed!
You've got me beat in the lost limbs department too.  I only lost one, and it was long, but not all that big in diameter. 

re. Bill@home... you should try calling his house and being a WOMAN if you really want to raise eyebrows.  The moral of the story though is:  If you are Bill, do not go underground for too long or else your internet friends will start calling you at home, making you WISH you were underground.... ;-)
[Note to self: have phone company route all incoming calls through Proxima Centauri...]
Bill, a very interesting piece, then the comments. Yes, we had a little more snow than we are accustomed, *RECENTLY*. We finally went over the 4 foot mark after these two storms. We had more snow than Northern Maine. I live in South Jersey, the old record of 4 foot was set in 1964-'65. I have family in Northern Maine, by the time they drive here, by the time they hit the half-way point, they are still in the State of Maine.

@Cricket, you wrote a really insightful comment.  Quote, "Cathouse rules in Joisey." Unquote. Please explain. Where is this, "cathouse"? ... ; - )
See, Bill, this is why you should have gotten a Lyddite wife, as did the Armorer.  Lyddite is perfectly stable and hard to detonate, as long as you look out for it properly and don't let it in contact with impure surroundings., Of course Beth has access to the 'net, and there's always a chance of her forming Pelto-picrate compounds from virtual contact with   corrosive  web  sites.
"I *knew* I'd put that old fridge in the garage for more reason than just chilling beer..."

Wisdom for the ages!

The Engineer doesn't get a HLFH from me.  I try to stop him because we have limited funds and priorities with regard to home improvements.  Plus, we have the Young Man and three younger capable CLUs who help him, so it makes the projects go faster.  We *know* what the problems are.  I would love a cosmetically lovely family room with home theatre, but when we took the water heater off life support (it was an assisted suicide as it lost functional control), we diverted funds to a tankless.  This meant waiting a couple of weeks while the tax rebate check was deposited.  We heated water on the stove.  After the tankless was installed, I sort of left him to his own devices and found the boys' bathroom ended up with ceramic tile, blown insulation and new drywall. 

Of course Beth has access to the 'net, and there's always a chance of her forming Pelto-picrate compounds from virtual contact with corrosive web sites.

Which she does all the time, JTG.  And I can confirm her volatility after surfing along the DU, DNC, or Kos...
We actually had snow here in Austin.  I have photographic proof!  I just need to take the time to download to the laptop...  The most snow in Austin since Feb 2004, and we maybe got a couple of inches here in town...