To pass the time, I took along a lot of music - Cirque du Soleil soundtracks, Loreena McKinnit, and a 4 disk Harry Chapin collection. I like Harry, he can tell a good story, without being too in your face with his politics. This collection is interspersed with interview snippets. One caught my attention, where Harry is speaking about his grandfather.
What struck me was that I realized that when the Auld Soldier retired from the Army, he did so because he was bad-tired. He came of age during WWII and then fought in two wars which were un-appreciated and one in which his family was harassed and people like him actively excoriated. His Army was ill-used and broken, and he didn't see himself in a position to do much about it - so he left. He went back to school to finish out his PhD in Education, and ran into an astonishingly thick wall of hostility due to his background - enough so that he was told he'd have to settle for his EdTech, as "the military mind is not compatible with education." Heh. Mizzou came late to the anti-war protests (like, after the ground troops had been withdrawn) and I still think a chunk of his treatment was a milquetoast professoriate's circle-jerk of self-righteousness."My grandfather was a painter. He died at age 88. He illustrated Robert Frost's first two books of poetry. He was looking at me one day and he said, `Harry, there's two kinds of tired. There's goodtired and there's bad-tired. Ironically enough, bad-tired can be a day in which you won, but you won other people's battles, you lived other people's days, other people's agendas and dreams, and when it's all over, there's very litte you in there, and when you hit the hay at night, you toss and turn, you don't settle easy.
Good-tired, ironically enough, can be a day in which you lost, but you knew you fought your battles, you chased your dreams, you lived your days. And when you hit the hay at night, you settle easy, you sleep the sleep of the just, and you can say, "Take me away."
Harry, all my life I wanted to be a painter. So I painted. God, I would have loved to have been more successful. But I painted and painted. And I am good-tired, and they can take me away."
The Auld Soldier went to work for Columbia College, where he labored in a small office, looking at the college's needs and finding grants and writing them to get the money to meet those needs. He was pretty good at it. He, sitting in his office at a computer, raised as much money than the rest of the fund-raising efforts combined. He was happy with that. Doing something useful, it kept him busy, and was helping improve the school. But his success was his undoing, as it embarassed other, more powerful people who weren't nearly as good at finding money as the Auld Soldier. And thus did that bane of academia, jealousy and the quiet smear campaigns that go with it, raise it's ugly head. And the Auld Soldier was once again bad-tired. So he quit.
And he quit working for a paycheck, and started working for himself. Mind you, retired Colonel, paid-off house, independent funds, he didn't have to take a lifestyle hit to do it - not that his was an extravagant lifestyle.
He became a full-time Rotarian, effectively. Threw himself into something he loved, and was able to do it simply because he wanted to - and it allowed him to work with those things and people that gave him the greatest strength. He steered away from what politics there were in Rotary (stemming around some of the leadership positions at District and higher) happily toiled away in the trenches helping his club do good things, his District grow new clubs, and do Good Things for people near and far, whether it was wheelchairs, clean water, exchange students, literacy projects, the list is long.
And I know, from talking to him as he was coaching me on my upcoming Presidency of my own Rotary Club, that when he died last September, while he wasn't really ready to go - he did get to go to his final rest good-tired, and at peace.
What's the point? I am, and have been for months, maybe years, really, bad-tired.
And I'm contemplating what to do about that.
Which may mean changes here. Maybe not, I don't know. I just know that I don't sleep well at night, and it's not just from the wear and tear of athletics and military service. My heart is tired and not in it anymore. Something needs to give. And this is a blog, so I'm supposed to put my navel-gazing online, right?
Not sure whether you mean changes here in blogspace, or at the Castle. I suspect both are percolating. The battle of what to do to earn a living versus enjoying the job with all your passion is a toughy, I know.
They are.
I also looked for energy outside my job. Being a Lion and running the Flea Market or being Chairman of a major committee was more work then earning a living. It was a personal joke that I hoped my boss never found out how hard I worked for other then my job. It was important to my mental health. And, yes, fishing in exotic places also recharged my batteries.
You can buy a hot sports car and drive by the High School, but then Beth would kick your ass. Mid life crisis' can be fun or depressing. I had fun with mine, bought a 928, and started a bucket list. Like your Dad, changing jobs may be a good idea. Heading in to the same office, talking to the same people about the same problems is not my idea of a good life.
I've taken many chances, moved into a new industry, blazed new trails. But...what do you want to be when you grow up? I certainly never was good at punching a clock. Now I'm off to see some of the National Parks I've never seen, visit some more battle fields and plot what happened on a map. Maybe find a woman that does the Big Five.
I'm 66 and don't need to work, but I promised to stick around to oversee the roll out. After that, I want to sample more wine, pick up my score in trap shooting, see the Grand Canyon from the south rim, tour Yellowstone and go see what happened at Market-Garden. And find exotic places to fish.
How much fun did you have putting the Technical together? I'm not saying you should go get yourself a Sherman, but a scout car would be nice. You know, tires in the front, track in the back and we can put a 105 in it. You could chase coyotes around the farm.
Cattle rustler. You could train Petey to lure unsuspecting cows out of their pastures, whilst you are busy establishing an alibi (perhaps delivering cookies to your local constabulary?) Nobody would ever suspect a horse!
Attack goat squadron leader: Some of your goats already have the necessary killer instinct, so you just have to establish some voice commands.
I guess I'm lucky; I have a job I don't love, but I don't hate either. It's neutral. I get my mental satisfaction writing fiction. Perhaps someday I will have a paying job that satisfys me as well -- but in this economy I'm just happy to get a paycheck.
I've got a technical, and I'll work on that, and then I'll prolly get another, something with tracks would be nice, but something with armor, decidedly...
Something tells me that I'll get more satisfaction creating a job for myself, rather than work for someone else.
I've got one heck of a wingman, and she reminds me to take seriously that which should be taken seriously, and then giggle at the rest...
I'm aiming for the end goal of having the pile of pick-up stix cast upon the ground being the result of my own hand, and not Fate's: My own private brier patch, and me starring as Brother Rabbit.
With restorations, you can get expensive or not. It's all according to where you start and how much sweat equity you want to invest. It also helps to have some knowledgeable friends around to bounce ideas off of. Or hold things, or carry things (after they put down their beer) or paint or sand blast or file or hammer. Volunteers come cheap but work slow.
My math works with the golf country club equation: dues, green fees, caddy, golf cart, extra dozen balls per round and the 19th hole. Since I no longer play golf...look what I saved...so it's off to the Bahamas with the savings.
You need a budget and some good scavengers. (the Army still has those around, right?)
And...you can make money renting it to some prissy Hollywood producer.
We all have to grow old, but not to grow up.
Words fail me in trying to express my appreciation to you and Beth for having this blog and answering my questions, and helping solidify what was in the Young Man's heart about his Calling in Life.
Take a break. Let others post...but do write your father's story. It is one that needs to be told and has some fantastic elements. It would make a superb movie.
You and only you can make the *real decisions*. As I look at it, this is only from my own experiences. If they are helpful, to you, it just makes them more valuable. If not, just throw them away, no harm, no foul. I like your title, "Long trips are dangerous things". There is a strange process that starts as journey, I'm driving a big rig carrying all of *my baggage* or at least I think it's *my baggage*. I'm leading a caravan, my body tells me to take the next exit and head for the shopping center. Well, I pull in and everybody follows, with questions, the problem is this was not a planned stop. Well, during this stop, I start going through the bags, they're not all mine. You start a process of giving the bag back to their rightful owner. During this process, you are confronted with this, "I thought you were going to solve all of these issues." You say, "No, that would not be best for either of us." You continue this process until its only your baggage. Now, you're the one who must answer all of the questions. But you will face those things which had *great* importance even a year or two ago, now, everything has changed. There is a place in your mind for those things which are still important to many, but not to you. Then, what do you do with them? For me, I created a mental storage locker, which to me was sacred. When you placed something here, it didn't lose value or importance, it was *just time*. This whole thing was loosely following a poem by Robert Frost, "A Lesser Traveled Road", as a one time hiker, I changed road to path. In my mind's eye, I was looking for my "campsite" and later my "cabin". This is a story to describe a difficult process.
John, I'll respect your choices about your own journey. I'm not saying stop or go. I'm holding you with an open hand.
Sine then, I've taken it one job at a time, had almost as much fun, sometimes, but best of all, when I've tired of the crap, I move on. I recently got a promotion, good thing, 'cause I was on the way out of here to go back to DC. Now I don't have to and I can work on my photography and writing and still get ahead in the career.
So the point here, John, though you prolly don't need input from me is that whatever you decide to do will be fine, if it's what you want to do, and you are happy--at least up front--with the change. Best thing about it all is that no decision has to be permanent. I know a guy hated it here, retired to run a small engine repair shop... that was fun for a while, now he's back to consulting. He got that other need out of his system.
As for the good-tired/bad tired thing, I dunno. Even if all my work is for someone else, if I got paid for it, and that was my goal, I'm good. For me, it's not the tiredness, it's the fun factor, and that may be the same thing to some, but it's different to me.
And if you do decide to change stuff, change to something that you've always wanted to do, but didn't think you could make money at. That's where I'm at now. Who knows, I will or I won't but I won't have to wonder what if....
I hope you find your center and your peace. Really....
Me.
Paint a BSA logo on an old VW bug that has a sunroof, and mount a 50 on a pedestal through it. It's be kind of scrinched inside, but that'd do for a 'scout' car, wouldn't it?
I continue to be moved by your reminiscences of your father. By the way, my father was a graduate of Missouri, too. Sorry to hear that they followed the academic fashion to ultra-liberalisn. My college did, too - big time.
I hope that you can move on to "good tired" by taking a very active approach to your job as President of the Leavenworth Rotary Club. Lot of good work to be done there, as you are well aware.
Best of luck
Mike