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Go Army!

Flag Football.jpg 
DOWN AND DIRTY: U.S. militarymembers played mud football after a rainstorm at their base in Khan Neshin, southern Afghanistan, Wednesday. (Kevin Frayer/Associated Press)


Current Operating Environment Pentagon Football Rules

New SecDef Directive: Joint Rules for the Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps Game.  Under provisions of the Goldwater-Nichols Act, all Services must be present and participate in the planning and execution process.

These are the Pentagon-announced ROE for the 2009 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament:
1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs deemed tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor, the fact that the MSM will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching another player today, even the congratulatory pat on the behind, is court-martial bait. (The last requirement is under review, but any changes in implementation have been put off until after the Congress has complete it's hostile takover of 1/4 of the US Economy).

2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous " throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range air attack mission.

3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.  The Marines are permitted to make wide sweeps, but may not conduct broad spectrum advances into hostile territory.

4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should be avoided. (See caveat on section 1).

5. To promote inter-service cooperation, all teams will be ordered to use the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.  CENTCOM has the lead, except that NATO gets to call 1/4 of the plays.

a. The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," is calling for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. Immediately following the ball carrier will be a team member charged with fixing divots in the field during the "Persistent Offense." The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary housing on the 50-yard line, and settle in for a long stint of Nation Building and providing quality-of-life enhancements to the spectators. 

b. The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan will call for players, each called a ball "carrier," to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming " presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.

c. The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan will be predictable: Seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.

d. The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan keeps calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, half-time, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should even bother to take the field.

e.  Each team will consist of 12 players.   The new player is called the PAO. This player will escort selected members of the press on the field during each play, and is charged with making sure they don't get in the way while still getting the best shot and high-speed internet access, while at the same time seeing nothing of actual news value, and will provide butt-covering commentary should a play go badly.

f. All Army players will be required to live-blog the operation when not on the field, and engage on social networking sites and with the press. When not blogging from the sideline, this player will Tweet from the special helmet computer. A player can be replaced on a whim of any senior officer present with the calling of a technical foul, especially if the blogger violates OPSEC or makes anyone look anything less than godlike - or makes any senior officer *feel* like they have been portrayed as anything less than Godlike.

g. Navy, Marine, and Air Force players are forbidden to blog, tweet, or even view social networking sites. Ever.

6. After examining each team's playbook the Secretary of Defense has ruled that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices. The Navy will probably decide victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead, its players will patrol up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches.

7. Likewise, the Army will probably decide against taking the field, at least until several conditions are met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined; and, three, the President would activate 550,000 reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played, and surge an additional 30,000 players to the stadium during the game.

8. The Air Force feels victory could be achieved also by not showing up. Secret plans were just leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 bazillion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone from space.

9. Prediction: Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football team when others are the least," the Marines will storm the playing field and declare themselves the winners in the fourth quarter, after finally getting the ball across the correct goal line.

10.  After the game, all players will be issued a questionaire to determine their stress levels, and will be evaluated by a team of VA doctors for TBI.
 

11 Comments

Excellent - very funny :-)

 
Hey, Old Timer, you better be careful, you're starting to make sense.  There might just be a hint of snarkdom in my comment. I'm glad my [REDACTED] doctor's appointment is over. The more you know, the story gets even funnier. Let's see, "digital military", where could we go with that? Eh? I think I better get back to where I belong. I actually laughed until I hurt and laughed some more.

Thank you!

 8 ^ )
 

Go Marines!  Er, Navy!

Such conflicted loyalties... .Army vs. Marines, er Navy.

Bah!  Good game for all the lads!

At least we can agree that the zoomies from Colorado aren't showboating up the place.  They are just Army light anyway....


 
Sometimes, I think that just reading about what's going on these days might induce TBI.
 
GO ARMY!

Beat Navy!!
   
go MARINES.  (C'mon now, you know the Navy's just providing Cheerleaders...)
 
Go Navy!!!

My son is at that base.
 
 Go NavY!

 Beat Army! 

  Heh... I remember playing "flag" football against the Marines during one deployment.  It was called flag football because of the number of flags the refs threw.  :)

   We had our squadron lining one side of the firld, and the entire Marine barracks on the other. Great game, with some tough players, and no quarter given by either side.

   Best part was afterward, with the Corpsmen tending to the bruised and the Chiefs backing up a truck full of beer off to one side of the field. The mess cooks had an assemblyline going with sliders and dogs, and both sides got into a serious business of suds and sliders. 

   Good times, good times.   Sigh.
 
Well, *that* went well.  Not.  Well, I can still hold onto the thought that my Tiggers will macerate the middies in the Texas Bowl.
 

Go Marines, er, Navy! 

More conflicted loyalties....  My tiggers vs. The Marine/Naval Academy...

Always looking for the bright side of life.... I can watch this game and 'win' with 'my' team, regardless of the outcome.

On another note.  Height/weight requirements for the service academies must be a tad lenient nowadays.

Army had a receiver that was reported as 6'10" and 325 lbs.  The cadet was huge!  Now, what tank, humvee, bradley etc is he going to fit into?  He's going to really love squeezing into copters, planes and vehicles...

This reminds me of Navy and David Robinson, their 7'4" tall center on the basketball team... mmmmm, okay.  And then the Navy made him a Submarine officer....  Yeah, bet that was comfy.

Aw well, bring on the teams, let's play some football!

Side note to the murdering, redleg, jayhawker scum infesting our Western border:  "Neener, neener!"