A little light-hearted fisking.

(CNN) -- In case there are a few on two legs who aren't convinced, allow me to present my case.

Your dog is a great food tester. If she won't eat it, you'd better not either.

Corollary – my dog will also eat four-day old carrion and not get sick. Me, not so much.

No cat snores as loudly as a human. – She’s never met Cleo. Who, in her defense, has a tumor in her nose.

Your cat, dog, horse or bird doesn't care if you're young or old, rich or poor, fat or thin. She loves you just as you are. – As long as you aren’t late with dinner, or continue that tummy scratch .00000000000001 milliseconds too long..

No animal has ever tortured himself by trying to be perfect. She never met Simon, who groomed himself incessantly, to the point of horking up hairballs the size of small dogs. Of course, Simon’s full name was “Simple Simon” for a reason. He lived to be 21, not bad for a cat.

No herd of horses or pack of hounds will ever ask you to clap your hands in unison. Nor will any animal -- even in front of a TV camera -- introduce another as "the lovely and talented ..."

Humans routinely breed past the food supply. Most animals are too smart to do this.
Some animals are monogamous. Some are not. They accept their fundamental natures. When it comes to humans, the kindest way to approach this is to understand that monogamy is contrary to nature but necessary for the greater social good.  Heh.  Animals will too breed past the food supply if given the chance.  Just look anywhere the predator chain has been broken.  See urban deer populations in winter.  Fortunately for many critter populations in the urban fringes the automobile is a predator.  The big difference is that most animals don't have a "safety net" provided by the government and or charity - they live in a Hobbesian world.  Even those who live among us - especially out on farms.  One reason many farms have a lot of cats is because... coyotes like cat.  And duck.  And chicken.  But I have a good friend who watched in horror as a owl swooped down and took her cat off the deck - in downtown Lawrence, Kansas.

Animals do not pay for sex. – Our Peacock, drakes and roosters would if they could. As it is, the roosters and ducks are just serial rapists with a taste for cross-species action. Reggie, the peacock, is a gentleman, however.

Animals cannot damage the water table. Humans are doing this all over the world even as you read this.  Only because they lack opposable thumbs.  Correlation is not neccessarily causation - and you don't *really* want to live like the animals do, do you?  If you accept evolutionary timelines, we lived like that for hundreds of thousands of years.  We figured out how to build huts and wells because living that way... sucked, and life was hard  and short by comparison..  A few species decided that mooching off of us was easier than developing opposing thumbs on their own.  Mind you, I'm not complaining.

No animal is ever a hypocrite. She hasn’t spent too much time around non-human primates, has she?

A cat doesn't care if another cat is black or white, so along as she catches mice. Simply not true. We’ve got racist cats who choose to hang with those who look like them, including the black cat with the black dog, etc, and who walk off in a huff when meeting strangers who don ‘t look like their preferred colors. And no, I don't think they picked up that attitude from "the man."  But they don't take it to the extremes we do.  Generally. 

A dog may steal from you but will never lie to you.

Given their unbelievable olfactory powers -- humans have about 6 million scent receptors; a dog has about 110 million -- your dog can smell friend or foe. Your dog knows who is sexually attracted to you and vice versa. You dog knows when you are about to have a heart attack or an epileptic seizure. They can even smell illness in you even before doctors catch wind of it (i.e. cancer). The point is, trust your dog.
You can also trust your cat concerning most of the above examples as long as you realize: Dogs have owners; cats have staff.

A dog would not allow another dog to eat if it weren't in on the hunt. Tell that to Kiki and Buffy. 

In the animal world, you have to pull your weight. Dogs and cats recognize mental illness in humans. Many of them can deal with it. Many of us cannot.

Horses can work well with a physically compromised person. They are very giving animals. - I agree completely.  Horses know younglings and oldsters, and if they've been well treated and trained will adjust their behavior accordingly.  If you act like an ass on horseback, they will adjust their behavior accordingly...  horses don't like poseurs either.

We are medium-size animals who survived and then flourished by hunting in packs, by cooperation. A horse is a large animal. The journey from your mind to a horse's mind is the longest journey you will ever take.

If successful, it will be one of the strongest bonds of both of your lives, one you can never really explain to another human who has not made the journey. It is a bond of deep emotional richness. No argument here. Take the time to get to know your horse – from a horse perspective, and they’re a lot of fun.

No animal will ever correct your grammar. Given that service dogs have a vocabulary of 300 or 400 words, this shows remarkable restraint on their part.

An animal knows when she is dying. However, she does not carry around the notion of her individual death. This, I believe, is the true gap between us and other sentient creatures. It is the root of our discontent, denial and search for escape.

Personally, I believe death is a greatly overrated experience. Much of it irritates me. I know when the good Lord jerks my chain, I'm going.

Animals remember. They have some concept of the simple past, but they live triumphantly in the present. Few of us do.

Most animals have a sense of humor. Horses seem to have a highly developed one. Humans routinely deny this until they find themselves the butt of the joke. Horses have a very physical sense of humor. Their jokes often hurt. But they are funny, and you can see the horses (and others around you) laughing in a horsey way.

Thanks to technology, we believe we are more powerful. Take that away, and our limitations (bad night vision; no fangs or claws; long dependency of offspring; terrible slowness compared to, say, a cat; etc.) make us falter. One of the reasons we made a social contract with domesticated animals years ago was to "borrow" their power, speed, senses. In return, we feed them, care for them. We have broken this contract. They have not. I could talk about “I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain...” but I’ll pass.  And as for breaking the contract - you don't speak for me, ma'am.

No animal will ever speak those dreadful words, "We have to talk." True. Only because they don't have the capacity to say the words in a way most of us can understand. Instead, they just poop on your pillow and pee on your clothes. Trust me – that’s “We have to talk” from a cat’s perspective.

Give thanks that your cat does not own a credit card. Aren't you sorry you do? Yes, given all the surfing the cats do on the internet, I’m very grateful they haven’t figured out Visa. Note to cat owners: get a touchscreen computer, and you’ll be shocked, shocked I say, to see where cats surf once they realize they can use their tail...

No animal will ever send you a Christmas card and expect one in return. Surely, the devil invented the Christmas card. Agreed.  The Debbil did it!

I rest my case.