Fisking FPCON Advisory 09-004

When Almirante de la Moata Boquisucio sent me this link, he basically wanted to know

a. if any other Guard units had been alerted to the terrible threat from DHS-May-Be-A-Terrorist-designees or

b. was it a joke.

I contacted a few of my Guard buds in a few Red states and some in a few Blue states, and the replies ranged from, "It's been business-as-usual around here," to "Groundhog Day," to "I took the kids to the one in [redacted]. It was like the Fourth of July without the fireworks."

So the answer definitely wasn't a., which left option b. A quick Googlesearch of FPCON Advisory 09-004 turned up exactly 21 hits, all on blogs -- Rusty of My Pet Jawa (Blogger Zero for the story), the luvverly Pam Geller of Atlas Shrugs, and -- no surprise -- Castle Demi-Denizenne foxfier.

Okay, it wasn't *intended* to be a joke (albeit one badly written), which left me with a new option -- c. sycophantic overreaction. And nothing tickles me Muse more than overreaction by a sycophant.

HEADQUARTERS, MARYLAND ARMY NATIONAL GUARD
13620 Meuse Argonne Circle
Camp Fretterd Military Reservation
Reisterstown, Maryland 21136

JFHQ-MDARNG-G3 9 April 2009

MEMORANDUM FOR SEE DISTRIBUTION

SUBJECT: Planned TEA Party Protests (FPCON Advisory 09-004)

1. (U) This Maryland Army National Guard (MDARNG) Force Protection advisory is in response to a nationwide planned protest activities scheduled for April 15, 2009. Although there is no known direct threat to MDNG facilities and MDNG members, they may become a target of opportunity during plan protest activities throughout Maryland.

"...*a* nationwide planned protest activities..."? "...they may become *a* target of opportunity..."? Who wrote this, a sixth grade dropout?

2. (U) FORCE PROTECTION CONDITIONS.

a. (U) USNORTHCOM FPCON baseline for the continental United States, Alaska, and Canada remains unchanged at ALPHA.

b. (U) MDARNG is not recommending a FPCON baseline change at this time.

So NORTHCOM sees no threat and HQ, MDARNG sees no threat. Why, then, the Force Protection Advisory, which is usually reserved for alerting the troops to an *identified* threat or an increased threat level? Let's find out, boys and girls...

3. (U//FOUO) SITUATION: Numerous entities have formed recently to express displeasure/anger over recent federal/state government actions: more taxes, increased spending, higher deficits, a surge of borrowing to pay for it all, bailout of the financial institutions, and etc. This movement can be identified by different variations of “TEA Party” or “Tea Party.” Past “TEA Party” events have been peaceful. There was a “Tea party” event at Solomons, Maryland, on March 22, 2009. “TEA” stands for “Taxed Enough Already.”

Aha! Those insidious "entities" are at it again! Oh, wait -- this is an alert that people are exercising their Constitutional Right Wing Propaganda Document Rights to Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Assembly, and Freedom to Seek Redress of Grievances? Horrors farking galore! Ordinary citizens are usurping those prerogatives reserved for the *Left*, only they're doing it *peacefully*? Call out the militia! Oh, wait -- National Guard = militia. Crap. That's who's sounding the alarm...

4. (U) KNOWN LOCATIONS AND EVENTS: According various websites and open source information, planned protest locations and time on April 15 in Maryland are:

Hmmpf. Some cabalistic DHS-May-Be-A-Terrorist-designees these guys are -- posting their meeting places right out in the open, all transparent-like.

[redacted and already-public-knowledge list of eight locations in Maryland]

aaaaaaand the kicker --

*Washington DC, 12:00pm-2:00pm, US Treasury Department - National Stage; 11:00am-3:00pm Lafayette Park - Grassroots Stage (not MD)

Ummmmm, dude? DC has its *own* National Guard unit(s). Didja think the DC Guard was maybe gonna call for a Maryland Combat Laptop outfit if they needed reinforcements? I mean, there's a *reason* Guard Bureau culled your Cav Troops, yanno. Cripes, DC Guard is used to handling *violent* demonstrations from, like, *peaceniks* 'n' the *anti-war* bunch 'n' stuff.

Sheesh. Poachers...

Now for the best part:

5. (U) FORCE PROTECTION RECOMMENDATIONS:

a. (U) Full-time personnel (i.e. armories) and recruiters need to be aware their surroundings. Contact local law enforcement when feel threaten by protesters or protesters trespass into MDNG property.

*ahem* Personnel are *not* armories. And, disregarding the succeeding atrocious grammar, why the warning about trespassing protesters? Are they known to be carrying wire-breaching devices? Suicide vests to blast their way through security doors? Get a grip -- Conservative protesters are more military-friendly than a pole-dancer on payday some GOs I've known.

b. (U//FOUO) Commanders at all levels should establish relationship with local police in order to understand the local threats. Keep family members informed. Talk to other service personnel to share information. Practice OPSEC. Don’t provide personal information to anyone you don’t know. Avoid high risk areas.

c. (U//FOUO) Commanders are encouraged to update alert rosters and review emergency evacuation plans/rally points. Ensure all facilities have emergency phone lists posted (i.e. FBI, FIRE, POLICE, HOSPITALS, EMS, ETC…). Be aware of and avoid local protests. Report all potential protest activities to your next higher headquarters.

WARNING -- DO NOT CLIMB INTO BED IF MATTRESS IS ON FIRE!

Words fail me. Almost. The author of this missive obviously has no confidence that the Commanders, First Sergeants and Unit Administrators have been performing the most basic of their functions -- keeping track of their personnel. The rest of the caveats are things that even a Second Lieutenant would be aware of, including the fact that any uniformed MDARNG personnel showing up at a TEA Party would probably be mobbed by people wanting to shake his hand and buy him a beer or six.

d. (U//FOUO) Continue implementation of RAM and a review of policies and procedures, especially in regards to cooperation or assistance with local emergency responders.

5. POC is Antiterrorism Program Coordinator, –[redacted- at (410) 702-[redacted] or by e-mail [redacted]@us.army.mil

[Redacted LTC author's name]
DISTRIBUTION:
ATOs
MSCs CDRs

Okay, LTC Redacted, if I had written that, I would have lost my job the instant it hit the TAG's in-box. Geez, you didn't even announce the DHS-declared threatening threaty threat that *veterans* were expected to be in the crowds.

And, just because I'm in a nit-picky mood, your POC line should be paragraph *6*. Geez, didn't you have your Admin PFC proofread it?

Oh, yeah -- I found somebody else who mentioned FPCON Advisory 09-004. Big Dog, who said it in a truly First-Soldierly fashion:

The cited article indicates that Col. Kohler of the MD Guard Public Affairs Office confirmed the memo. Sir, how about you guys get your heads out of the warm smelly place you are storing them (rectal cranial inversion) and realize that we are not the bad guys. We are not terrorists.

You would do well to discard that DHS memo and use some common sense.

Amen to that, First Sergeant, amen to that.

And as long as we're on the subject, is there anybody out there who believes that MDARNG FPCON Advisory 09-005 has popped (or even *will* pop) from the Antiterrorism Program Coordinator addressing next week's illegal immigrants' rally  -- who are *known* fed'rul lawbreakers, the lot of 'em -- in Baltimore?

Didn't think so. There wasn't a FPCON Advisory on *last* year's, either...