I am so glad I don’t live in Parsons any more. This lovely tale was related to me today by the sister of one of its bit-player participants.

Last night two dudes were driving around drinking beer, the driver is a gun nut of the worst kind, likes his handguns, is always running off at the mouth about how he can’t wait for the chance to shoot someone “on his property”. They get into a yelling match with some other asshats, pretty much invite Asshats The Second over (“Yeah? I bet you don’t have the balls to follow me home and say that in my driveway!”) to play a scintillating round of “Who’s the Bigger Retard?”.

The second asshats, predictably, follow the first asshats home, whereupon the driver of the second asshatmobile gets out and stands in the yard yelling at the first asshats. What was he yelling? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Hamlet’s soliloquy. Asshat the First comes out with his gun (I’m guessing 9 mil, from where the story goes afterward), and shoots Asshat the Second in the thigh. The shot asshat, no doubt because he’s an upstanding citizen with no warrants, drives away posthaste, and the shooter asshat proudly calls the police to report the incident and get his official set of Brass Balls that much sooner.

The cops show up and take his statement, whereupon Asshat the First learns the surprising lesson that “on your lawn” isn’t quite the same as “in your house” where self-defense laws are concerned, and is belligerently flabbergasted to be arrested, cuffed, and hauled off to jail.

Meanwhile, his three-year-old daughter is learning exactly why Daddy didn’t let her play in the attic: upon learning that he was going to be arrested for his act of bravery and heroism, John McAsshat refuses to produce the weapon with which he shot Evil Absent Asshat, so the police search his house, confiscating not just that gun, but several illegally-sawn-off shotguns, a few modified assault rifles, and enough pot plants to make you wonder why both parties of asshats didn’t just spark a doob and chill in the first damn place.