(or, the Well-tampered Claymore)
Greetings, mortals. ANGSGT Carborundum here. Yes, it is true that a good sandstorm, properly applied, can be used to keep Tuttle on the ground (plus it is nicely Biblical and the brass does favor tradition) but my job is by no means over then. He can get into trouble *anywhere*. My collected incident reports to date have their own section in the archives at ANGCOM, and boy do they complain when they have to add another bank of shelves just for me. (Scrolls. Tradition again. Yes we know about digital files but we've found that using computers creates an unacceptable risk of habitual profanity.)
So, even when my squad has Tuttle reduced to operating in two dimensions instead of three, there are still a plethora of hazards to protect him from. A small sampling from a typical day:
-Hormonally-induced distractions resulting in painful collisions with structural features
-sand rash
-random rocket attacks
-PowerPoint
-cheesy bean burrito night at the DFAC
-mole people
We spend a great deal of time and effort on the rockets. For one thing, they happen so frequently that we can't use our tried-and-true "what are the odds?" miraculous accidents. Even humans start to notice if you do that too often, so we worked up a rotation to make sure there is enough variety.
1) Component failure: A perennial favorite, since the word "maintenance" does not seem to be in jihadi dictionaries. Rust holes, casing failures, soggy primer, etc.
2) Premature detonation: Also addresses the problem at its source, and reduces, if temporarily, the number of rockets that day.
3) Cheesy bean burrito night at the DFAC: Yes, yes, but sometimes leftovers wander off-base, and we like to help with that. We can put to very good use the hallucinations, bloating, intestinal cramps, explosive diahrrea, and oh yes, methane. (see Premature Detonation, above).
4) Local gravitational variations: (experimental) This takes a lot more computational effort but ANGCOM believes the experience gained will be extremely valuable when you humans spend more time off-planet. (They keep pushing the forecasts back, but we all know it will happen sometime).
5) Cheap Chinese rockets: The recession is affecting everybody, even terrorists. They simply can't afford the good stuff. Don't tell, but the Yu Go Nao/Cheeper Than Sand armament supply company that takes out all those ads on the Jihad Network News is one of our fronts. Sometimes the explosive is mostly melamine, sometimes a tragic glitch in Babelfish results in "Thousand Golden Chrysanthamum" fireworks getting mislabled as "Multiple warhead rocket".
6) Myopia: Notice jihadis don't seem to wear glasses? Well, they need them. Spread a few rumors about optometrists having cooties and targeting accuracy pretty much vanishes.
We're also working on kamikazi Canada Geese. The theory is sound, but unfortunately Canada Geese rarely migrate to the Middle East. It was suggested that we try some of the local marsh ducks, but they seem to lack the killer instinct.
Greetings, mortals. ANGSGT Carborundum here. Yes, it is true that a good sandstorm, properly applied, can be used to keep Tuttle on the ground (plus it is nicely Biblical and the brass does favor tradition) but my job is by no means over then. He can get into trouble *anywhere*. My collected incident reports to date have their own section in the archives at ANGCOM, and boy do they complain when they have to add another bank of shelves just for me. (Scrolls. Tradition again. Yes we know about digital files but we've found that using computers creates an unacceptable risk of habitual profanity.)
So, even when my squad has Tuttle reduced to operating in two dimensions instead of three, there are still a plethora of hazards to protect him from. A small sampling from a typical day:
-Hormonally-induced distractions resulting in painful collisions with structural features
-sand rash
-random rocket attacks
-PowerPoint
-cheesy bean burrito night at the DFAC
-mole people
We spend a great deal of time and effort on the rockets. For one thing, they happen so frequently that we can't use our tried-and-true "what are the odds?" miraculous accidents. Even humans start to notice if you do that too often, so we worked up a rotation to make sure there is enough variety.
1) Component failure: A perennial favorite, since the word "maintenance" does not seem to be in jihadi dictionaries. Rust holes, casing failures, soggy primer, etc.
2) Premature detonation: Also addresses the problem at its source, and reduces, if temporarily, the number of rockets that day.
3) Cheesy bean burrito night at the DFAC: Yes, yes, but sometimes leftovers wander off-base, and we like to help with that. We can put to very good use the hallucinations, bloating, intestinal cramps, explosive diahrrea, and oh yes, methane. (see Premature Detonation, above).
4) Local gravitational variations: (experimental) This takes a lot more computational effort but ANGCOM believes the experience gained will be extremely valuable when you humans spend more time off-planet. (They keep pushing the forecasts back, but we all know it will happen sometime).
5) Cheap Chinese rockets: The recession is affecting everybody, even terrorists. They simply can't afford the good stuff. Don't tell, but the Yu Go Nao/Cheeper Than Sand armament supply company that takes out all those ads on the Jihad Network News is one of our fronts. Sometimes the explosive is mostly melamine, sometimes a tragic glitch in Babelfish results in "Thousand Golden Chrysanthamum" fireworks getting mislabled as "Multiple warhead rocket".
6) Myopia: Notice jihadis don't seem to wear glasses? Well, they need them. Spread a few rumors about optometrists having cooties and targeting accuracy pretty much vanishes.
We're also working on kamikazi Canada Geese. The theory is sound, but unfortunately Canada Geese rarely migrate to the Middle East. It was suggested that we try some of the local marsh ducks, but they seem to lack the killer instinct.
dang it.
THROW them out... THROW them out....