There's a time-honored tradition in many professions of hazing the noobs. While many times it can be taken to dark extremes, more often than not it's a play on their ignorance of the details surrounding their new job - and an impetus to get "snapped in" to reduce their vulnerability. It's also a crude test of how well an individual is going to fit into a team.
This post isn't intended as a discussion of the utility of the practice. But, rather to highlight the funny ones.
Such as a favorite in mech units of having someone check the track pads for air leaks. The victim gets down close to the track while someone else is making a faint hissing noise. What makes this amusing is that the rubber pads on armored vehicle tracks are solid, not air-filled. They're there to reduce the wear on roads and track shoes (shoes being the steel links in a track). It was hours of fun for Privates, Sergeants and Lieutenants alike. Hey, sometimes you take your fun where you can find it. Okay, maybe not hours, either. Minutes, anyway.
Of course, you need to watch what you do in such situations,because, well, revenge can be sweet. As this story relates - be careful who you're messing with - and you better be able to take a joke, too. And, "Military Intelligence" isn't always an oxymoron...
This post isn't intended as a discussion of the utility of the practice. But, rather to highlight the funny ones.
Such as a favorite in mech units of having someone check the track pads for air leaks. The victim gets down close to the track while someone else is making a faint hissing noise. What makes this amusing is that the rubber pads on armored vehicle tracks are solid, not air-filled. They're there to reduce the wear on roads and track shoes (shoes being the steel links in a track). It was hours of fun for Privates, Sergeants and Lieutenants alike. Hey, sometimes you take your fun where you can find it. Okay, maybe not hours, either. Minutes, anyway.
Of course, you need to watch what you do in such situations,because, well, revenge can be sweet. As this story relates - be careful who you're messing with - and you better be able to take a joke, too. And, "Military Intelligence" isn't always an oxymoron...
So, tell us your stories of range line, left-handed smoke deflectors, etc! All services, all eras.When a 2LT, I was assigned as '2' [intel officer] for the 1-13th FA at Ft. Stewart. My other LT's welcomed me into the unit by advising me they had lost some 'high-angle primers.' A primer, for the 155 and 8" howitzers is about the size of a 12 gauge shell. There is no such thing as a 'high angle' primer. This, I did not know. Primers are sensitive ammunition items so I had to investigate. I was sent all over the post and back to the Bn CO who informed me of the joke. I asked if I could get 'even' and received permission.
A good friend of mine was a special agent for the FBI in Savannah. I told him of the joke and my plan, which he was in total agreement to participate. Anyway, the next day, the FBI showed up (with the CO's approval) to investigate the theft/loss. The LT's involved were called to meet with the agent. As the agent and the CO 'talked' in the CO's office, the LT's arrived and asked me if I told the CO 'primers' or 'high-angle primers.' I replied, "What's the difference?" At this point, they were called into the office...whereupon, one of the LT's actually fainted dead away...
Joke on the new LT: $20
Payback: Priceless...
(in my basement i still have my award. on heavily trumped up charges (each time), i was awarded the "Hook, Line, and Sinker Award" three consecutive times, thereby retiring the award. i then had the duty of configuring the next generation of a similarly themed sceptre.)
All sorts of these things on all the Navy ships, although I don't specifically remember any personally. Send a newbie to the forward hold to get a Boatswain's punch (where he gets promptly slugged on the shoulder), send one to find sound-powered phone batteries, a tube of relative bearing grease (although I heard another sea-story where one guy went UA for months, and when they caught him, he actually had it; not sure if it was brand name of grease or what).
In the early 90's the Navy started painting the "bullseyes" in each space with glow-in-dark paint, giving the exact location by frame numbers and use of each space for damage control communications. The Virginia being a nuclear powered cruiser, young seamen would be sent to the engine room for radioactive material to make more glow-in-dark paint.
The best one I heard was crossing under the Bridge of the Americas over the western side of the Panama Canal. Standing on the fantail, you SWEAR the mast will hit the bridge until it actually goes under. So the story goes, the newbie is wearing the sound-powered phones around his neck, and when the call comes, he's to crank on a hose reel on the bulkhead to "lower the mast." At the last second, he's told it is broken, takes off running, only to be dropped on his rear by reaching the end of the phone cable.
Hmmm.. wonder why I always remember the good times, and never having to get up at 2am to stand watch in the cold or fix the launcher? Or being forced to paint in the rain?
Sending a boot to the COMM shack to get a case of batteries. "Bravo alpha eleven hundred novembers" I told him. Remember all batteries were designated BA somthing, BA33s were a 'D' cell as I remember. Well, when he got to the COMM shack they informed him they were fresh out of "BA1100Ns".
SEMPER FI
of course the charges were GREATLY exagerated in order to make it my third consecutive award, and it only got better when the company commander reading the charges had to stop mid-sentence to chug his beer for mispronouncing my name.
The beauty of it was, some enterprising HTs had actually made a "key", welded up out of steel rod, complete with a very official looking log book. After siging for the key, the dupe was informed that he was personally responsible for this essential, and coincidentally very heavy and bulky bit of gear, and could not let it out of his possession for any reason.
The look on the Mid's face when he showed up on the messdecks that evening, to the delight of almost the entire crew, was priceless. Certainly took him down a few pegs, and this particular kid needed it.
Sling for the 106mm Recoilless Rifle.
Can of back blast for the Dragon.
Frequency grease for the radios.
And a fav at Camp Lejeune, sending boots to the shoreline to stand watch for Russian GU11 amphib fliers.
Oh, and there was the short range secure communication device, the ST1.
So, as all the NCOs quickly and quietly vacate the area, the CO asks the new Marine, "Lance Corporal, what the hell are you doing?" The LCpl, around a mouth full of grease, replies, "Sir, this grease is no damn good!"
It was quite amusing to see people, espcially the young Officers fresh from Annapolis, almost literally doing the Hokey Pokey around the danger circle.
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Dammed M82!
You always kept your headgear on your person or you'd find that some of your co-workers would take your soft cap, ball it up, staple it a few dozen times, put it in a styrofoam cup with water, and then stick it into the freezer one of the sections had for some specialized supplies.
Or they'd take an inkpad refill and ink your phone headset, or the bottom of a drawer you accessed frequently.
The best one (which I also got caught by) was classified though... so I'm not telling!
Army: Remember the oil samples you'd have to collect from vehicles? (Army oil analysis program) I was in the maintenance office one day when a new joe walked in with an inflated trash bag. He wanted to know where to turn in his track's exhaust sample?
Two hours later, the kid comes back....
Five one-yard bags of redi-mix concrete and a bunch of re-bar pieces piled into the back of Maintenance Warrant's CUCV.
The Chief responded by sending one of the Launcher drivers out get a box of muffler bearings.
Mess Hall bread rolled up in a ball and tucked in the lower end of the Pilot's relief tube on a CH-47 tended to bring out the worst in a Pilot, old or new, for some reason.........
On a CH-47, the FE looked down through the hook hole and directed the pilot when hooking and unhooking........New Pilots always seemed surprised when they got *sooo* much better the second day,,,,,,,,,,
My favorite when I was a ball busting assitant Platoon sergeant, all the new butterbars we received in our Armor platoon got the "tour" of the motor pool. This included the all important field-expedient Tank Commander briefing... most importantly of which included how as a TC to keep track of your turret rotations.
You see, Tank turrents are screwed on with a threaded screw action, you have exactly 8 turns counter-clockwise before it screws down too tight to the hull and requires the wrench heads to come un-screw you with the M-88 , or 8 turns clockwise before the damned thing unscrews and falls off.
Somewhere out there today, some 20+ years later, I can just imagine some brasshole still in active duty leaving tick marks on the sides of his cupola to keep track of his turret rotation count.
The other we used for the newbie E-1's and E-2's fresh from Knox is to send them to the motorpool mechanic shop to requisition a left-handed "Little Joe" (non-tanker definition, big ass 4' long/50lb wrench to tighten track tension) because the Company Commander was left handed, and highly advised them if they knew what was good for them, to not come back without one before we were Oscar Mike, they always managed to find one though.
Summerize/winterize the FRH fluid in the firing system, boxes of sight reticles, keys to the impact zone, laser lube for the range finders.. ahh good times.
Or, send the poor soul to fetch the Blank Firing Attachment for the Carl Gustav anti-tank weapon.
But, my favorite is when out in the field with a vehicle with dual radio mounts give the newbie a 48" fluorescent light tube and tell him to "degauss" the antenna. When he gets up there and holds the light horizontally between the antennas just hit the transmit switch......priceless.
They'd invariably come back with, "Sergeant Minch wants to know if it's for the red blade or the white blade."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Go get 500' of flightline."
"The leading edges on the tail rotor are too dull -- go see SGT Minch and get the blade sharpener."
"Go to the Night Vision Goggle locker and get a tube of photons."
"The helicopter's going to be too heavy with those two extra pax on board -- go into K-1 (the bulk liquids supply room) and get a spray can of gravity repellent."
Alternatively -- "...go into K-1 and get a gallon of lift."
"We're going to fly with the doors off -- go see SGT Minch for the airflow retention strap."
"The retaining bolts are loose -- go get five pounds of torque."
Yeah, good times...
Lloyd - looking at the Castle's Carl Gustaf - the blank adaptor for that would be pretty impressive.
Both of them.
The first was when the crew chief used RTV silicon to mount a cut bolt with a fiber locknut on both sides of an OV-1D Mohawk's propeller. Had the hand drill there on the cart and a supply of (uncut) bolts and nuts. Told the rookie pilot that it was a field expedient technique used to balance the prop and minimize vibration until the plane could be sent in for phase maintenance..
The pilot bought it and we had to distract him during the rest of the preflight to allow said crew chief time to remove the trick. The pilot had a real strange look during postflight checks when he could not find the balance bolt and all the prop blades were still pristine and undrilled.
Second bit of foolishness was during a Canine-Equine Exhibition:
We had a group of the local Military Community High School Jr ROTC come by for their field trip. One particularly obnoxious cadet major ( why do gold oak leaves bring out the jerk in some people?) .. Anyway this little kid, maybe a HS sophomore at the outside, was expecting salutes on the flightline, proper military deference to his highschool rank, and was trying to lord over the active duty SP4s, Sp5s and crusty old SSGs that were playing tour guides and presenters.
When he got to our bird, we wove high tails of mystery and imagination, turning the drop tanks into practice bombs for the tactical nukes, the IRCM pod into an experimental airborne laser targeting system, pitot tubes into gun barrels, and the 12 foot Radar boom into a Cruise Missile launcher, and being that we were an MI unit had to swear him to secrecy..
I wonder when/if he ever learned the truth