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The Deployed Guy's Guide to Dining Hall Etiquette

By Bill on April 11, 2008 | | Comments (31)

The first time the Deployed Gentleman (DG) enters the Dining Facility and encounters, in order,

1. The Lady Contractor, clad in either shorts or spray-on jeans,

2. The Lady Contractor, clad in full-up battle rattle and spray-on cargo pants, and

3. The Warrior Princess, clad in full-up battle rattle, packing enough heat to fight (and win -- single-handed) the Napoleonic Wars, and displaying more cutlery than Emeril ever owned,

the DG is faced with a quandary. How to comport himself during Polite Social IntercourOOOPS Conversation with his Feminine Potential Dining Companion.

They didn't cover *that* at CRC.

To correct that unfortunate, but forgiveable, oversight, The Castle has instituted still *another* One-Off, Never Go There Again chapter in its miniseries of Public Service Symposia.

Lesson One: Mastering Polite Table Talk

First, the DG should be aware of the length of time his Dining Companion has In-Country, which will enable him to expand upon their mutual experience. Fortunately, the Gentler Sex communicates this information through body language, and the astute DG should key on these subtle signs.

Been Here One Week: Observes DG in peripheral vision, recoils.

Been Here Two Weeks: Makes inadvertent eye contact with DG, recoils.

Been Here Three Weeks: Makes inadvertent eye contact with DG, shrugs.

Been Here Four Weeks: Makes inadvertent eye contact with DG, smiles.

Been Here Five Weeks: Makes deliberate eye contact with DG, smiles.

Been Here Six Weeks: Asks DG to get her a cup of coffee when DG gets up to refill his.

Been Here Seven Weeks: Mentions that the PX has just received a new shipment of stationery.

Been Here Eight Weeks: Mentions that the PX has just received a new shipment of military accoutrements.

Been Here Nine Weeks: Mentions that the PX has just received a new shipment of combat cutlery, but it consists of "the same crappy Chinese KaBar knockoffs" as usual.

Been Here Ten Weeks: Slams tray on table, says, "Geez! What a farking day *this* -- hey! Don't you *dare* move! -- has been! I swear to..."

Ahem.

Next Lesson: Complimenting the Warrior Princess on Her Choice of Fighting Knives...

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31 Comments

By kat-missouri on April 11, 2008 8:03 AM
Is that a Gerber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oops! That will probably only work with the war lords and I don't recommend it come from the DG sort. How about...Wow! That's some hardware you got there! How would you like to learn the BillT method of sharpening knives? Guaranteed to fight off rust and keep them sharp at least until next Friday.
 
By BillT on April 11, 2008 8:14 AM
*scribbling furiously* Okay, kat, continue... Uhhh, by-the-by -- just *how* did you know I carry a Gerber? And a Russell folder. And a...
 
By Blake Kirk on April 11, 2008 8:17 AM
Having been there, done that a couple of times, I think Bill's dead on the money here. I have to admit, though, that I've far less practical experience in these matters than he, mostly because the love of my life is a red-haired Irishwoman with a short temper who is a somewhat better pistol shot than I am...
 
By pot on April 11, 2008 8:34 AM
and here I thought I was the only redheaded short tempered irish woman to lurk around here .pot
 
By BillT on April 11, 2008 8:43 AM
Well, Maggie *used* to lurk, pot. And HF6, and...
 
By Sgt. B. on April 11, 2008 8:56 AM
Given the number of battle blades carried by myself and my comrades: I am so not going there... Nope, not with this crowd...
 
By kat-missouri on April 11, 2008 9:03 AM
I would not suggest, "My...those ARE sharp and pointy." Translatory problem may occur. Nor..."I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Unless the object(s) in question have already been established in a previous sentence.
 
By Neffi on April 11, 2008 9:32 AM
"I like a gal with a nice, wide ricasso..." Try that one, Chief...
 
By pot on April 11, 2008 9:40 AM
I lurk, then I report to oldloder , his internet access is very limited and he feels deprived.he should be all connected by sunday inshalla , then watch out , inshalla .
 
By Christine on April 11, 2008 9:50 AM
Gee, sounds remarkably similar to encounters in *some* parts of SoCA. Well, maybe the other way around. Start with the discussion of available *cutlery* and work your way up to shy eye contact. lol
 
By Boquisiucio on April 11, 2008 9:52 AM
Guess that Unkabill hasta experience The Scandinavian Single-bevel Grind. Though dunno whether there are any ARNG units from Fargo deployed out there.
 
By BillT on April 11, 2008 10:02 AM
Guess that Unkabill hasta experience The Scandinavian Single-bevel Grind. She was my *first* ex-wife...
 
By BillT on April 11, 2008 10:11 AM
"I like a gal with a nice, wide ricasso..." Try that one, Chief... Right. Just as soon as my new titanium hauberk gets here...
 
By John of Argghhh! on April 11, 2008 10:17 AM
Heh. pot understates herself. She's not Irish by linear extrapolation from some immigrant shambling through Ellis Island... she's a *recent* import [erm, 'transplant']. 'Ware!
 
By pot on April 11, 2008 10:29 AM
bee nice , I'm really a just a kitten with large claws, ask oldloader, got him to go back to the mid east didnt I ?? soon i'll be there too . Proud to be an import.
 
By pot on April 11, 2008 10:34 AM
preferr term transplant, then I feel I did some good since coming here !!!!!
 
By Fishmugger on April 11, 2008 10:40 AM
With full Battle Rattle none of the tried and true one liners would work. "Gee...you've lost weight". "I like what you've done with your hair". "Nice shoes". Then again you can try humor..."I'd like to kiss you in a place you've never been kissed before". If she doesn't draw down on you...tell her Kuwait.
 
By kat-missouri on April 11, 2008 11:16 AM
LOL FM that was funny.
 
By ry on April 11, 2008 12:06 PM
Spray on cargo pants? Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of them being cargo? I'll never figure our women(contractors) and fashion. (Sigh). Pot, getting Loader to go back? Naw, I likes him here. Whist both o' yas stayed Stateside if you could.
 
By SFC D on April 11, 2008 12:26 PM
Dinner tonight, sitting across from a female contractor...the standard-issue plastic knife snapped at the first attempt to cut the standard-issue roast beef...expletive muttered under my breath as I pulled out the Gerber Guardian and surgically sliced my roast beef...aforementioned contractor sighs and nearly swoons...and promptly snaps out a 7" switchblade and attacks her roast beef...how cool is that?
 
By pot on April 11, 2008 12:44 PM
Now I know why oldloder gave me my very own swiss army knife for xmas ............
 
By rikkochet on April 11, 2008 1:44 PM
When do you get to sing her the latest thong?
 
By Justthisguy on April 11, 2008 1:54 PM
Well, If I were sitting across the dining table in that room, across from a gal wearing "spray-on cargo pants" and the subject came up, and I was feeling courageous, I might say something like "You're not serious!" And then she might answer back, "Not serious about what?"
 
By HomefrontSix on April 11, 2008 6:00 PM
Oh, I don't lurk. I'm red headed, Irish, and short-tempered (some days I'm shorter than others) but I don't lurk. I'm here in all my glory ;~P Bill ~ you missed a week. Ya know...the one where you mention that the PX got a new shipment of thongs...
 
By Ledger on April 11, 2008 11:37 PM
Pictures! Give us pictures!
 
By DL Sly on April 11, 2008 11:52 PM
Heh, MH scored big major bonus points for this year's Christmas knife. 0>;~} Bill, I'd start with some *subtle* like, "Sooo, do you like rawhide or full-grain leather........sheaths, that is?" *snicker*
 
By DL Sly on April 11, 2008 11:52 PM
Heh, MH scored big major bonus points for this year's Christmas knife. 0>;~} Bill, I'd start with something *subtle* like, "Sooo, do you like rawhide or full-grain leather........sheaths, that is?" *snicker*
 
By DL Sly on April 11, 2008 11:54 PM
Well, that was *interesting*....
 
By BillT on April 12, 2008 12:07 AM
Well, that was *interesting*.... The subject matter or the double post? The Great Hall Echo is an Equal Opportunity Phenomenon...
 
By BillT on April 12, 2008 3:47 AM
Heh, MH scored big major bonus points for this year's Christmas knife. The rice knife with the thyroid problem? Works great for making cole slaw...
 
By DL Sly on April 12, 2008 4:04 PM
"Works great for making cole slaw..." Works very nicely on rattlesnake heads, too, thankyouverymuch. o>;~}