Confessions of a Bitter Neo-Con, Warmongering, Chicken Hawk, Small Town, Typical White Person

Even among conservatives, the term "neo-con" has taken a bad wrap. Many have bought into the left's propaganda that it was this small band of radicals that not only pushed President Bush to war with Iraq, but some how caused the war to be prosecuted badly. Apparently, our genius Jewish Kabal masters were on a four year vacation and only came back recently to institute COIN theory. See, you know its a Jewish conspiracy because the acronym is "COIN". We are actually using this idea and turning people away from radical Islam into materialistic zombies who only want food, electricity, clean water and some say so in how their government is run. Little do they know...ha-ha! feel our power.

Pardon me, if I sound bitter, but its hard to write a good rant while I am desperately clinging to my bible and gun, Especially when I have to pause every few minutes to throw darts at my favorite "wanted" poster of Poncho Villa while simultaneously tossing matches on my piles of clothes, household appliances and camouflage car seat covers because they are products of "free trade" with little tags that say "made in Honduras" and such.

Really though, I want to learn that mind control thingy. I've taken some classes, but I definitely don't have it down like the Masters. Two weeks ago I was at this sporting event and they were playing the national anthem. I stood up real quick and folks followed my lead, though some a little slowly. Then I looked at my nephew who still had his hat on so I bumped him with my elbow. He looked over at me with this "huh?" look so I stared at him real hard, then at his hat, then at him and then at his hat. Finally, my Jedi mind tricks worked and he took his hat off and put it over his heart. About ten or so men around us got the idea and did the same. Some women even put their hands over their hearts.

I could see other people looking around. I couldn't tell if it was heat stroke or dazed horror at seeing a near on Nazi like display of people actually saluting and honoring the flag of the US KKK of A. I could tell some of them were scared. You could almost smell it over the popcorn and hot dogs.

Obviously, though, I need to work on that mind control thing because not everyone followed my silent orders. However, I was certain there must have been a bunch of other neo-neo-cons in the crowd with the same green belt in mind control because I saw little patches of people all over the stadium doing the same thing. Yes! Still, I think I need to send a message to the masters because some folks aren't doing their jobs. I can remember when we used to have the power to make almost everybody in the stadium stand up, take their hats off or put their hands over their hearts. The Masters are apparently too busy on the golf course to keep this little charade going.

You know, I am bitter though about the Clinton and Bush administration. I voted for Clinton and all I got was higher taxes and a bunch of people telling me that having an affair with different women while in office was NOT sexual harassment or demeaning to women. I have to admit, I was really confused. That whole time I was being told that sexual harassment in the work place was bad and that women had to stand up for equality and respect in the work place. I even lectured some guy about smacking women on the butt in our office. Then they said, yeah, butt smacking was bad, it's better to use a cigar.

Boy, was I confused. So, I got out my bible and my gun and prayed a lot. Then this voice came out of nowhere, kind of like God speaking to Moses, but it sounded like Karl Rove. It said I should vote for Bush. I was praying at the time, so I started looking for a burning bush, but all I saw was some guy on TV called George Bush.

I got the message and I voted for Bush. I kept seeing messages from people that said we neo-cons were paid agents of Karl Rove. I have to say, I'm a little ticked off about that, maybe even bitter. I never got a secret decoder ring, a personal message and not one damn check for all my jumping up and down yelling, "freedom and democracy". (Heh. My mind control, ESP is getting stronger. Just as I was typing "freedom and democracy", my brother started singing "Freedom". Of course, he could have picked somebody other than George Michael to sing. Guess I need to work on that a bit.)

Anyway, Karl must have been THE Master of mind control because that whole time I thought I was shouting about freedom and democracy of my own accord. Wait, did I spell that write? I was waching Jon Kary one day and he said that stupid peeple went to Irak. So, quik like Iran (get it, Iran..I ran) down to the rekrute station (I don't know why they call it a "station", kuz they weren't sellin' no gas thar). I figured iffen I spelt stuff wrong I'd be a shoe in fer the army.

Then this brown shirt, Nazi looking dude told me I had to pass the ASSFAB. I got all ticked off again and I tolt him this was the United States Army and it didn't matter how fab my a$$ looked in a uniform, I just wanted to kilt somethin'. Anyway, he made me take this test and I got a 92% on it, but then they had some other brown shirt Nazi do all these tests and he said I had a torn rotator cuff. I asked him why he was looking under my car hood, kuz how else could he know I had a bad rotor? This was America, dagnabit, and no one had any right to look under my hood without my permission. We still got some rights to privacy 'round here.

Anyhoo, he sent me home so I had to go find some other organization to join and support the war effort because, you know, war is good. I found this group of people called "chicken hawks". That sounded like my kind of organization because here in the bitter midwest, chicken hawks are some bad a$$ birds of prey. I figured if a bunch of people were calling me a bird of prey, I might as well live up to it and join. I got a cool patch and everything, much better than what I got from the Rovian Neo-con Kabal.

I decided that, if I was going to be some grand pubah in the Bitter Neo-con, Warmongering, Chicken Hawk, typical white person world, I'd have to find somebody to pattern my self after. I stopped reading my bible long enough to look in my old, battered history books. There he was, the bitterest, most radical mid-westerner of all: John Brown, complete with bible and gun in hand. Dude was, like, totally freedom for everybody, even if it had to happen at the point of a gun.

It brought back memories of the time our class took a pilgrimage to the site of the Pottowatamie Massacre. I know, I'm from Missouri now, but back then I was pure, Grade A Kansan and John Brown was kind of a hero. That whole "liberty and equality" for all men, regardless of color, went really great with the whole "neo-con" persona I was trying to cultivate (I found my dictionary, too), but it created a whole new conundrum (dictionary) with my "anti-pathy for people who don't look like me, typical white person" persona. It's like having schizo-phrenia.

So, I prayed a bunch more and then went outside to shoot a poor defenseless squirrel that kept tossing acorns on my roof. I felt a lot better after that. Cleared my mind, so to speak. I realized that I did have some antipathy for people who didn't look or sound like me. Truth is, I never looked good in pink. I found balance, you could say.

Then I called my friend Alonzo and confessed that I was a typical white person. He asked me what the f*&# I was talking about. I just told him to roll with it and let me get it off my chest. He asked me if it could wait until the KU game was over. Anyway, we're all good now. We're going bowling this weekend. (No, really, we are.)

I just wanted to thank Senator Obama for pointing out my whole duel personality thing and making me so introspective. Until now, I had no idea I was so confused and bitter.

If you're a confused, bitter, typical white person who clings to your bible and gun because life just sucks, do what I did and have a come to Obama moment. You'll feel so much better afterwards.