Exciting new breakthrough from BCR Labs-Biotech Division! [For Immediate Release]
Researchers have announced the development of a treatment for Electile Disfunction (ED). In recognition of the grave situation the FDA has waived all time-consuming requirements such as human double-blind trials and safety testing in an effort to get this drug to the countless millions of sufferers before the upcoming election.
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Do you suffer from flaccid political interest? Unable to function during caucuses, primaries, or even general elections? Have you noticed an inability to become excited or aroused by any of the candidates?
As voters become older and wiser many frequently find the thrill of voting, the heady feeling of changing the world won't rise to the occasion. Sometimes health issues, such as inability to forget prior candidate performance, can also inhibit spontaneity and pleasure.
I had such a severe case of ED I wasn't even interested in voting for myself! -- Bob Dole
It's embarrassing -- you've always considered yourself a stalwart citizen, firm in your beliefs, always ready to raise the standard of civic responsibility and stimulated by the energetic give-and-take of political debate, the penetrating analysis, the oral arguments, all culminating in waves of passionate support that crescendo to a final overwhelming conclusion.
But now you usually drift off to sleep before the debate has finished. You have no interest in initiating political discussions, evading questions with awkward excuses. Perhaps your spouse has discovered the pamphlets about Antarctic condos, the benefits of long-term hibernation, or the Popular Mechanics issue about converting old missile silos to comfortable bomb shelters.
Help is on the way! BCR Labs new biomedical division has worked feverishly through many long nights to develop GRAVITRA®, a safe and effective treatment for the tragedy of Electile Disfunction. GRAVITRA® allows you to sustain an interest in minutia when *you* feel the urge. No cumbersome electroshock equipment to spoil the mood! (See a doctor if effects last longer than four hours, or if you find any secret messages from the Illuminati while alphabetizing your kitchen cupboards). With GRAVITRA® everything the candidates do will be deliciously fraught with meaning! Long stump speeches will no longer provoke humiliating snores! You will enjoy elections again (and in Chicago, frequently!)
(GRAVITRA® is not for everyone. Patients accustomed to rational thought, philosophers, and individuals with a genetic propensity for common sense should use caution. Side effects include Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, anal-retentive behavior, and late-onset autism)
See your doctor for a prescription now! New patients are eligible for the BCR Labs GRAVITRA® Promotional Kit, with tools and suggestions for imaginative role-playing and decision-making.
--Bad Cat Robot, if you couldn't guess
[Coming Soon - ED Bumper Stickers and Shirts!]
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