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Doctrine For Dummies.

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FM 3-0 for SAMS Students. Given the post below this one - I'm thinking Ralph Peters would approve this version.

Table of Contents


Introduction………………………………………………………2

Text……………………………………………………………………..3

Glossary………………………………………………………………...5

Introduction

You are students. This means you are supposed to learn things. Read this and learn it.

There will be a test. There are only two grades…”win”, or “lose”.

Come back with your shield, or on it.


I.M. Mean
General
Soldier in Chief

The rest is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry - including a link to a .pdf version you can send to all your friends [Wait! Don't do that! Send them a link to the post, so they'll come here to get it and I'll get all that traffic! Yeah! That's the ticket!]!!!

Update: Just to be clear (because it wasn't) I'm *not* the author of this FM. I *wish* I was, and I do work for Fort Leavenworth, but I didn't do this piece. This came to me in an email blast, and no one has fingered the author yet. Which might be on purpose... -the Armorer)

FM 3-0 Operations for SAMS Students

1. The world is full of bad people. Mind you, not everyone is bad, but there are enough of them out there that we have to arm ourselves. Over the years, we’ve done a pretty good job of that. When the bad people scare us or hurt us, we have to whack them. This is hard, because you want to try and whack the bad people where they live and not where we live. Naturally, the bad people don’t want to get whacked, and they feel pretty smug because we aren’t mean enough to whack all of them at once. So we have to go over to where they live and whack them carefully. That’s why we have an Army and not just a Navy and an Air Force with trillions of dollars worth of super weapons. We don’t get such expensive weapons, because we break them a lot more rapidly. Even worse, the bad people can get close enough that they can whack Soldiers even though they get whacked a lot more.

2. Whacking bad people is dangerous. It’s also hard. It’s easier and safer to whack the bad people if you do it from the air or the ocean. That’s because the bad people can’t afford the super weapons that do stuff from there. That’s why we have to be nice to the Navy and Air Force; so they will whack bad people with great enthusiasm. Unfortunately, sometimes the Navy and Air Force get too enthusiastic at whacking people and they hurt Army Soldiers and other not so bad people that ended up in the wrong place. That’s why we have to spend a lot of effort telling them where we are and what we need them to do. We also try to stay out of their way when they are too busy whacking cities and countries and stuff. We also have to do a lot of explaining to civilian bureaucrats about what they need to do to clean up after the bad people get whacked. This is called “unified action” but it’s really like going over to the neighbors to apologize for breaking their window.

3. What makes this really hard is sorting out the not so bad people from the bad people. We try to whack the bad guys and miss the good guys. Of course, the not so bad people are all upset that we are over there whacking people. They want us to go back to where we live and leave them alone, unless the bad people are whacking them as well. They tend to go postal unless we help them keep their families alive and well. The best way to do that is to let their politicians and police do it while they stay out of our way. Unfortunately, their politicians and police screw this up a lot so we have to take time out from whacking the bad guys (or tricking the Air Force and Navy into doing that) and help out the not so bad people around us. Even though they won’t like us, sometimes they help us to find the bad people. This also helps us calm down the Air Force guys who would whack everybody at once. This is called “full spectrum operations.”

4. Even though we don’t get the super weapons that the Air Force and Navy get, we still have a lot of stuff and Soldiers. This is called “combat power.” None of this stuff is worth a nickel if somebody isn’t in charge. Hopefully they know what they are doing. When they do, it’s called leadership and it’s really important because most Soldiers just want somebody intelligent to take charge and get them back home in one piece. Inside the Army, we squabble about which part of the Army gets the most stuff. After a while, some really important general comes down and tells us to knock it off and “cooperate”. If we don’t, the bad people will whack us and even the Air Force won’t be able to bail us out. This is called “combined arms.”

5. The Army has a lot of processes that it is still trying to figure out. Don’t worry about these things. Just be happy if somebody actually gets you an order that you can understand in time for you to do something about it. If not, at least you can blame the higher headquarters. Most of the time, Soldiers are happy if they get fed, occasionally get some sleep and a shower and things aren’t too SNAFU. Soldiers also tend to be lazy unless they are motivated. This is “battle command.”

6. Really important generals are Soldiers too. They just get less sleep than the ordinary Soldiers. They have to try and figure out how to straighten out the big mess that all the politicians made. At the same time they have to decide how to whack the bad people and keep the not so bad people from going postal. If they do a good job, they get sent to the Pentagon. You don’t want to be one of them. This is called “operational art.”

7. Dealing with information is hard. The bad people don’t play by the rules and they lie… a lot. One screw-up on our part and all the not so bad people get all upset because the bad people make a big deal about it. We need to spend a lot of time telling the not so bad people why we are different than the really bad people. Usually they don’t get it. Meanwhile the media people are busy trying to uncover the giant government conspiracy that we are supposed to be running. Also every hacker and pedophile out there is trying to screw up our computers and radios. This makes it really hard. Meanwhile the Air Force and Navy are wondering what’s wrong, since it’s not so hard for them. Once in a while, somebody on our side figures out what we should be doing. This is called “knowledge Management.”

The End




Glossary

Bad People: People that need whacking.

Battle Command: Motivating Soldiers with a cigar in your mouth.

Combined Arms: Using all of your combat power at once and surviving it.

Full Spectrum Operations: Careful whacking combined with lots of explaining.

Operational Art: Getting the Air Force or Navy to deal with the bad people before Soldiers have to.

Not so bad people: Anybody in the area of operations that is not a bad person or a Soldier.

SNAFU: A Twentieth Century term for land operations.

Soldier: Individual speaking in expletives and wearing cool-looking digital camouflage that doesn’t blend in with anything.

Unified Action: The opposite of SNAFU

Whacking: The redistribution or impairment of biological functions intended to eliminate intercellular cooperation within a sentient organism.

Back Cover


This means it doesn’t say anything.

So, if you made it all the way down here - here's your reward... the FM in pdf format.

39 Comments

nihil obstat. publish "as is" (looks like HR McMaster had some input on the final draft)
 
Where are the pictures? Powerpoint slides? Cheers
 
This is the reader's digest condensed version for SAMS students, John. Jedi Knights don't need that stuff.
 
Well researched work you have here, John. Just two suggestions. 1.Where and when do the officers go for their "cranial-rectal extractions?" 2. When picking an op-tempo choose either fast or slow, but under no circumstances choose "half-fast!" Grumpy
 
Sometimes, not so bad people accidentally get whacked. More often, some not so bad people claim their cousin got whacked, or their goats got whacked. So we give them a lot of money. This is called "Civil Affairs". Also, sometimes people in suits don't give us money to give to not so bad people who got whacked or claim their cousin got whacked or whose goat stepped on one of Saddam's old landmines. These people are called "Democrats". They need whacked.
 
I agree: Colonel Peters would definitely approve. And as a U.S. Army combat veteran of Vietnam, I approve!
 
I sent the link on to my good friend who is opposed to the war but serves on the state Draft Board.
 
Wow, you can kill people, you are so cool!
 
Did Dave the FA Guy write or illistrate this? It looks like the drawings from the famous SSO slide show... Thanks MM
 
The best of good whacking: Manuals for dummies including apologizing, missionary positions, and jedi knights. I'm assuming the story about the military dogs' service in operations will be covered in an appendaged version entitled Pepper Squad. Believe me when I say, I love it AS IS!
 
Challenge: Include a definition of "Media Relations" without employing the term "Scumsucking".
 
Sherlock- Media Relations: lying with a smile as well as a patsy lined up to take the heat. Thank you. I loved the post.
 
ROFLMAO! Every Army FM should be written like this - then the Generals could spend more time running the war, and the rest of us would know what the hell the FM was trying to say!
 
JarJar, I'm guessing you don't hang out much with 1st Responder types, either, if you don't get the ironic humor here. Hint: You won't like them, either. And how come people who comment like that almost *never* leave valid contact info? 8^ )
 
Excellent, but doesn't mention the Marines. I guess that means if all else fails, break glass only in case of emergency.
 
CI Guy - Don't remember Dave the FA Guy, but if you're thinking of Travis Patriquin's "How to Win In Al Anbar", he of course was killed just over a year ago, God rest his soul.
 
Effing hilarious! I sent it to my friend a sergeant major in Iraq.
 
Sgt. Grumpy, Please tell me, are you suggesting that this is something remotely like "common sense?" If ro, I fully agree. You might want to contact JAG, we would to make sure this is UCMJ compliant. I fully agree with ALL of the commenters. I am not you. I am just a "Grumpy old disabled Vet" Grumpy
 
Love you and Blackfive - excellent post/fm edition. Vet from the '80's - no combat. Love you guys and support you all!
 
From the Air Force, with love.
 
John of Argghhh, I don't usually leave contact info because I might be seen as unpatriotic by leaving anti-government comments and I used to get a lot of hate mail for speaking my mind. Peace!
 
You forgot a group of awesome men and women that whack major bad dude butt. Civies know them as Marines.
 
As with all good humor, it has more than a little bit of truth behind it. The reason that Marines are not explicitly mentioned, is because they always adopt whatever they like from the Army, so they are mentioned by default. "The Marines are all right, been following the Army's lead for 231 years now." (Quoting myself)
 
The Marines are elite. Army's lead? LOL Then tell me "why" Ft. Knox, an Army fort, is guarded by Marines? I think you'd better re-think the arrogant statement of the Army leading the way. Marines are "first to fight", not the Army. Right now in Iraq, the Marines have had the hardest fighting, but yet the least casualties.
 
Hey, I like the Army. We're on the same side. The USMC just had their 232 birthday, not the 231st.
   
Well Done. Approved for promulgation. Now us dumb ole Navy types can actually understand what all that fuss is about. Back to my casualty drills. Gotta spend my time practicing fires and floodings. You Army guys get all the credit for winning. We'll take all the dames. Good post, John. I loved it. Subsunk
 
How can a post about a comic version of an FM (Field Manual)degrade into discussion about how great my service (that is not the ARMY) is? Believe me the USMC gets enough face time without someone whining because a fake FM doesn't mention them...good grief get over yourself. Whoever did that PUB did an outstanding job...funny stuff. THANKS FOR THE LINK TO THE PDF! Now to stir the pot, President Harry S. Truman said this about the USMC; "The Marine Corps is the Navy's police force and as long as I am President that is what it will remain. They have a propaganda machine that is almost equal to Stalin's."
 
I believe the Marines were mentioned - they are part of the Navy, yes?
 
It's real obvious to me that the folks at Benning's Building One weren't consulted on this.
 
Harry Truman was ok, but he wasn't always correct.
 
You forgot the principle of "Boot, don't spatter!"
 
Samir - I need to change the comment template - the only person who gets email data is me, the site owner. But it doesn't say that. My bad.
 
Fabulous FM! when common sense has had its perimeter breached by acronyms so some desk jocky in D.C. or Fobbit in Iraq gets his medal for being on the forward edge on the Global War on Terrorism by word mixing, this is an added relief! As far as whether the FM using soldier or Marine, sailor, or Fly boy, its all symantics to me. One team, One fight. I pulled trigger next to a Soldier and Navy corpsman in Iraq and it didn't matter as long as it was an American next to me making the enemy deader, and i got home to eat moms' apple-pie. Besides in the end, your bugler standing over your grave playing TAPS is going to sound like my bugler standing over mine playing TAPS. Good read! keep up the sanity check men! ---The Gunny---
 
Great post "Rambo was really was a Marine", or should I say "The Gunny". The only reason I got over-exuberant, I've had a friend for a few years now bragging up the Army and putting down the Marines. For the most part I blew him off, but the other day it rubbed me the wrong way on something he said. He got an ear full, and so did y'all. For that I apologize.
 
The Marines were included. Aren't they part of the Navy? I mean the Navy is really cool. It has ships. Its own air force and its own ground pounders. Plus submarines. One stop shopping. Semper Fi. From an old Navy Rod Yanker - Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club '66.
 
Marines: Soldiers who are part of the Navy. Whack the same bad people in the same way as Army soldiers. The difference between Marines and Army soldiers: Marines speak a different language from Army soldiers. They get upset if you don't use their language speaking to them or about them. Whatever you say, however you say it, will be wrong. Don't worry about this. Whoever is on the scene, Marines or Army, gets first dibs on whacking the bad people. Whacking bad people is good, and makes Marines less cranky. Semper Fi: Marine for "Hooah"
 
(Note: Substitute following in Marine edition of manual) Army: Soldiers who are not part of the Corps. Whack the same bad people in the same way as the Marines. The difference between Army soldiers and Marines: Army soldiers don't know the right terminology as delivered to Good Marines in boot camp and beyond by the Corps. Things you were punished for saying they will say in ignorance. Some of them will try hard, but they did not have the loving tutelage of the Corps and will say it wrong. Be patient with them. Whoever is on the scene, Marines or Army, gets first dibs on whacking the bad people. Whacking bad people is good, and makes Army soldiers less cranky. Hooah: What Army soldiers say instead of Semper Fi.
 
The inevitable end: O.K. lets all agree to just disagree and stop this frivilous blue on blue fire-fight. Lets rack it up as follows: The rules: 1. 1st come, 1st served to whack bad guys. 2. Whacking Bad Guys is always 1st. 3. 1st whack a bad guy, then whack his buddy bad guy #2. 4. Whack #2's Bad Guys Dog. 5. One whack, One kill. 6. One good whack deserves another. see rule #3. 7. Whack 1st, and Whack hard. 8. Whacks make loud noises, be prepared to receive incoming return whacks. 9. Keep your finger straight and off the trigger until you are ready to whack. 10. Whether its Marines, Army, AirForce, Navy, Coastguard, Cladenstine services Whacking see Rule #1. Got it? you to old timers we might need you someday to help follow through on rules 1-10, and get back to whacking like you came through before during your time (Thanks by the way!!!) I just want everyone ready to whack! We don't need verbal firefights here, mean looks never whacked anyone. ---The Gunny---