Poking through the old Boz Dufflebag O' Stuff from 2002, I discovered my copy of the Consolidated Comparative Analysis of the Service Branch Playbooks (Abridged) -- and, since Football Season snuck in through the back door while I was engaged in teaching Gaby the Junior Scruple that tunneling in the compost heap is frowned upon in these here parts, I figure it's time for it to see the light of day once again...
Recently, the Pentagon announced new rules for the Fall 2002 Army-Navy-Air Force-Marine Corps football tournament. It is now known that the gender-integrated teams will take to the gridiron only after negotiating the following:1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff rated both tackle and touch football Extreme High Risk: first, due to the CNN factor, the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty, and second, touching another player today--even the congratulatory pat on the butt--is asking for a court-martial.
2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less inflammatory "throwing the ball."
3. The Army, Navy and Marines will be prohibited from attempting throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns the long-range aerial attack mission.
4. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to long-range naval ground operations.
5. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is entirely too close to one denoting the arresting gear of an aircraft and we all know how well *that* term plays in certain circles.
6. To promote Jointness, all teams were ordered to use the same game plan.
After receiving suggestions from all four services--
· The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers, Port-a-Pots and temporary housing on the 50-yard line.
· The Navy's "Forward...From the Bench" plan called for players--each called a ball "carrier"--to be surrounded by other Navy football players in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a “roaming presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these “carrier groups,” the Navy strategy suggests, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount a defense.
· The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: seize ground, every down, no matter how, regardless of the price, but preferably while on the playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance did not go unrecognized.
· The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long, accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, halftime, between games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team would even bother to take the field.
After examining each team's playbook, the Secretary of Defense ruled that none could be used, and that each service was to be left to its own devices.
The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead, its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation, hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their benches.
Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until several conditions were met:
1. that vital U.S. national interests were declared to be at stake,
2. that conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined and
3. that the President would activate 550,000 Reserve and National Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.
The Air Force also felt victory could be achieved by not showing up. Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent $38.7 billion on a Space Shuttle-launched system able to fire the football into the end zone from a low geosynchronous orbit.
Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most-ready football team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field two days before the game was to be played and declared themselves the winners.
And there was great joy in Mudville.
To muddle a metaphor...
Sic transit -- Military-dot-com used to have a *great* Joke-of-the-Day section until it started taking itself too seriously...
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