What Tuttle Isn't Telling You

[For newer visitors to the Castle - Carborundum is Tuttle's Guardian Angel - an overworked creature if ever one existed. Yes, it's true. Guardian Angels, (GA's in Denizen-speak) *do* exist. - the Armorer]

Greetings, mortal humans. ANGSGT Carborundum here. The higher-ups saw Tuttle warming up the TINS generator and authorized me to release certain documents and transcripts, pursuant to providing a *complete* and accurate depiction of the situation at hand.

The following is a briefing transcript, shortly after the incident described here took place .......

All right, you lot, listen up! First, I'd like to commend the teamwork that went into the sandstorm operation. Not only did we keep Tuttle on the ground, we kept him distracted with the *possibility* of flying so he didn't get into more trouble. [sound of cheering] And then Calamitus and team redirected our sandstorm assets to help shield his car from that roadside explosives vendor looking for a target. Superior tactical thinking and adaptability, in the finest tradition of the GA Corps!

Now some efforts didn't pay off -- Crepusculum, the hot-sauce pizza with bacteria topping would have been a better idea if Tuttle didn't have the digestive system of a goat. I recommend you -- ALL of you -- review my notes from previous campaigns [stifled mutters and grumbling], especially the section headed "Cam Tranh and the Unfortunate Kimchee Incident". Did it ever occur to you geniuses that maybe, just maybe, us old guys TRIED THAT BEFORE and it DIDN'T WORK?

Now pay attention and wipe those smug grins off your faces! *Tuttle is going to fly eventually*, no matter how clever we are. [weeping and consternation] Why? Because life isn't fair, that's why! What kind of moth-eaten cherubs do you think you are? You are GUARDIAN ANGELS, chumps. They don't send us in for the easy ones. And when they do, most humans only need one. Think about that. Take a look around. Lot more than one on this cloud, ain't there. You think ANGCOM skipped the decimal point over by mistake? Twice? Think ol' Carbo was just giving you busywork with the wire-strike teams and the meteorite and lightning deflection drills and the cosmic ray decontamination manuals? Think I'm DEAF? That's the kind of thinking that can get you, your teammates, and our target in trouble. That. Will. Not. Happen. Got that? I've seen too many good GA's [choke, cough] .... this detail is hell. Pardon my French. Just remember Detrius, and remember he's one of the lucky ones. We brought him back, what was left anyway. Want to be like him, splashing red fingerpaint around in a room with rubber wallpaper? Just get careless. ONCE. *He* thought, "Oh, that's just a banana peel, I can handle that," when it was actually a banana peel covering a spherical pellet of compressed C-4 resting on a bed of experimental high-temp flash powder. In front of a cage with a defective frame that was full of gouty tigers. Take NOTHING for granted around Tuttle!

Assignments--I've changed you around a bit. Aphasia, you are on Paperwork, Permits, and Paraphernalia. Decimus, you've got Entropy Enhancement, Mechanical. Don't forget to do a full job on a component, we aren't supposed to be helping the enemy here. Keep him on the ground, OR flying safely. Nothing in between. Inflatius and team, Advantageous Random Weather. Review the "Sudden Updrafts in the event of an Imminent Prong" manual, and come up with some similar ideas. Vacuus, you're on Inter-Team Communication. Don't screw up. Please. The rest of you, check with your section leader for any updates to your missions. I'll be on general overflight, and with Busty the Wrench here, Jesus Nut Maintenance. [nervous laughter]

Any questions? Then MOVE OUT!

And may God have mercy on us all .....