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Mebbe this can be my retirement job...

By The Armorer on October 26, 2006 | | Comments (41)
They're used to war around here. In 1485, Henry VII snatched the Crown just 20 miles away at the Battle of Bosworth. A century and a half later, Oliver Cromwell's troops destroyed the royalists four miles from here at Naseby. During World War II, this very field was an RAF bombing range.

But even the hedgerows and all-seeing steeples of this ancient Northamptonshire hunting country cannot have witnessed anything quite as bizarre as this.

Two tanks are charging through thick mud, blasting away at each other. There is blood everywhere and I'm in the thick of it.

Wobbling around in the gunner's seat of my tank, I have my eyes glued to the periscope and I can see that the enemy is swivelling round to take a shot at me. I am determined to zero in on him first while I have a clear line of vision.

I'll hire on Bill to manage the Attack Helicopainters, and Dusty can manage the Painterbomber fleet... Monteith, CAPT H, and Maj Mike can handle the motor pool and training. Heartless Lib and Sergeant B can handle the infantry. Jim B and Frank can handle arty and mortars. Barb handles the money. BCR instruments the range and makes scary things. Maggie and Werekitten have the bar. Fuzzy runs the first aid station. JTG wanders around playing shell-shocked non-combatant... who will shoot you in the back. Might as well replicate the COE...

Read the rest here. H/t, Mike D.

I'll take suggestions on other duty laydowns, I'm just swagging this one quickly.

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41 Comments

By cw4(ret)billt on October 26, 2006 8:43 AM
Helicopainter, huh? Well, a ten pound, two-point-seven-five inch diameter paintball travelling at Mach Two will definitely make a mark on a People Can. And it'll wake the crew up when it hits, too...
 
By Damian on October 26, 2006 8:48 AM
You guys need a PAO? Does anyone ever need a PAO? Bueller? Anyone?
 
By SFC D on October 26, 2006 9:00 AM
Call me if ya need Signal support...I'll bring beer...
 
By Maggie on October 26, 2006 9:12 AM
I'm in..........is it ok if WereKitten and I "sway suggestively" and "dress immodestly"? (see post above)
 
By MajMike on October 26, 2006 9:13 AM
oh man oh man oh man... when? gunnery training will consist of early M60 -series "Burst on Target" bits. simple, fast. one hour max. more important will be the driver training. he's running on suspended track, using laterals on a higher center of gravity medium tall vehicle with good power to weight. so we focus on terrain driving to run the dips and swells, and tight turning at speed. that should keep you out of the other guy's sight picture. manual traverse on the opponent's turrets means lots of ziggity zaggity driving then we take a quick shot from hull defilade. hour and a half max. when do we go?
 
By jim b on October 26, 2006 9:29 AM
Well let’s see. Paint artie. Maybe an old 75mm pack howitzer shooting Sherwin Williams Quarts. Better reinforce the bottom of the can some and shoot them butt first to increase splatter on impact. If that doesn’t work, we cobble together some kinda sewer pipe thingie for the gallon size cans. Again we shoot the PD ones butt first so the lid flies on impact. Air bursts are a different matter. Those cans have to be fired butt first too. But a wire sufficient to stand the strain has to be attached to the lid via an eyebolt on one hand, coiled up to a predetermined range, and attached to the howitzer in some form so the appropriate colored gallon runs out of wire about the time comes just short of the target, thereby popping the lid in flight. For emergency self defense as in direct fire, we retain one … one gallon bucket filled with colored concrete. Bar? We have a bar on the battlefield? Koo. Bar wench …. Fetch me a Scoresby, and be quick about it!
 
By fdcol63 on October 26, 2006 9:34 AM
Cool .... I get to hump jo's again. It's always great to hump .... something. LOL
 
By jim b on October 26, 2006 9:34 AM
Maggie briefed on October 26, 2006 09:12 AM I'm in..........is it ok if WereKitten and I "sway suggestively" and "dress immodestly"? (see post above) Well I dunno, you might be delivering drinks over several hundred meters. Swaying suggestively might cut down severely on your turnaround time. As to "dressing immodestly" it's up to you but you will grant much increased access to the ciggers and ticks. But what the heck they gotta eat too.
 
By WereKitten on October 26, 2006 9:43 AM
Damian, 1SG Keith is a PAO... John just fergot to include him in the original list. HOWEVER... considering he started out as an anti-aircraft gunner, he may be interested in switching. As for being a "bar wench"... I'M IN- as long as, like Maggie said, we get to sway and be indecent. WHOO HOO! Gotta love that job!
 
By bad cat robot on October 26, 2006 10:04 AM
Not to worry, BCR Labs is working on flexible armored barmaid costumes. I'm sure we can treat them with some anti-bug stuff too. Now how am I gonna rig a paintball-equivalent Death Ray ....
 
By WereKitten on October 26, 2006 10:08 AM
We have complete confidence in your abilities, BCR. Have at it, girl!
 
By MajMike on October 26, 2006 10:14 AM
okay okay, cut the gunnery training down to ten mikes, and i'll drive myself. gotta leave time for the shimmy shimmy shakes.
 
By Maggie on October 26, 2006 10:47 AM
I knew we could count on you BCR! Jim B - Screw my turn around time! I am highly distractable. You'll be lucky if I make it back.
 
By jim b on October 26, 2006 10:58 AM
Alright where is that band guy? Screw everything but the drum set. We will need them to keep the Bar Wenches moving. Cadience if you will. When one launches from the bar to deliver drinks it needs to sound like this... Boom Bada Boom Bada Boom Bada ........... Chinggggggggggg (nice hip thrust) The hotter the day gets the more you need to pick up the tempo to keep the libations flowing.
 
By WereKitten on October 26, 2006 11:17 AM
BOOM.. sway BADA.. thrust BOOM.. sway BADA.. thrust yeah... I think I got the hang of it. Now if I can only get used to carrying beer mugs between my jugs without spilling... we're in business!
 
By John of Argghhh! on October 26, 2006 11:20 AM
*starts stopwatch*
 
By Gwedd on October 26, 2006 11:29 AM
John, Ya know.... this could also be backdated to the Civil War period as well. Use M1842 smoothbores with paintballs. 60 grains of fffg charge. Works like a champ.... 12lb Napoleon gun. 6oz FFg charge, and an empty cardboard Quaker oatmeal container full of paintballs as cannister... Add rubber bayonets and have at it! linear tactics, battalion volleys, skirmishers in the advance, and the band playing "Gary Owen".. sounds like fun to me! Respects, AW1 Tim
 
By MajMike on October 26, 2006 12:23 PM
(you could spill just a little, that would be okay too)
 
By FbL on October 26, 2006 12:42 PM
(you could spill just a little, that would be okay too) Wet T-shirt contest, huh? ;)
 
By WereKitten on October 26, 2006 12:44 PM
la la la la la... I have no knowledge of this "wet t-shirt" contest thingy.. Nope. Not me. Never. darn. spilled MORE.
 
By John of Argghhh! on October 26, 2006 12:52 PM
*gnaws on knuckle*
 
By jim b on October 26, 2006 12:53 PM
Jim b pulls out his Zippo and lights up a Camel, takes a drag and sits down leaning up against the wheel of his Sherwin Williams Spewing Howitzer. He tugs his Fedora down a bit, and says, "Wellhell, another perfectly good war thingie held up by a dancing chorus line of moist to wet shameless husseys. I'll move when I get a 'call for fire'.
 
By Eric Wilner on October 26, 2006 1:00 PM
So... anybody got paintball clothyard arrows? Or 55-gallon paintballs for a trebuchet?
 
By FbL on October 26, 2006 1:33 PM
*puts on waterproof bodysuit and retreats to First Aid*
 
By Hunter on October 26, 2006 1:50 PM
Engineers!, don't forget Engineers. Smooth out those nasty little earthen irregularities, build the bar bunker, fortify the firing positions. Oh, the fun we could have!
 
By KCSteve on October 26, 2006 2:09 PM
You know John, There's lots of suitable land between Leavenworth and KC - especially along 45...
 
By WereKitten on October 26, 2006 3:19 PM
HEY! I'm not a wet, dancing, shameless hussey! I'm a pleasantly moist, sashaying, proud beer wench!
 
By jim b on October 26, 2006 3:27 PM
Oh oh oh.........And wordsmith par excellence… don’t forget wordsmith
 
By Maggie on October 26, 2006 5:35 PM
"I'm a pleasantly moist, sashaying, proud beer wench!" I am in complete awe of you! I will just follow your lead.
 
By J.M. Heinrichs on October 26, 2006 5:45 PM
Humpf!! FV432 ... "tank" ... in yer wet dreams! If you're serious about playing tankety-tank, something like this would be highly satisfactory: http://www.esatclear.ie/~curragh/images/cavday/DSCF0030.JPG See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FV101_Scorpion Cheers
 
By John of Argghhh! on October 26, 2006 6:57 PM
I'm sure Murray will put in a vote for the Scorpion, at any rate!
 
By Justthisguy on October 26, 2006 8:35 PM
Non-combatant? I think not! I would be a hastily-enlisted volunteer, given a cap to make me a lawful combatant. I betcha empty L'eggs shells (do they still make those?) with some plastic-smithing could turn a spud gun into a fair paintball mortar. I always secretly wanted to be a mortarman. Indirect fire is bo-ring.
 
By Justthisguy on October 26, 2006 8:47 PM
Oh, and that other thing; I would never shoot anyone in the back except in self-defense!
 
By Were-Kitten on October 26, 2006 9:14 PM
*grin* No way! Maggie's following MY lead? I'm honored. Has anyone seen my USMC thong? Last time I saw it, Sgt. B was wearing it on his head, running around saying "ARGGHHH! I'm a PIRATE, WENCH!" or something like that.
 
By Sgt. B. on October 26, 2006 11:14 PM
It made a good eyepatch!!! Infantry, huh? Got ya covered, boss! Now I just need to find something to use as the guideon... ...Maggie? (Mebbe FBL, she's showing bras on her blog lately...)
 
By ry on October 27, 2006 12:23 AM
So does this mean I get to be the Intelligencia back State Side who compalins about it all and how you're all doing it wrong?;)
 
By John of Argghhh! on October 27, 2006 6:19 AM
Nah, Ry. You can't be the stateside nay-saying intelligentsia until you can spell it. You can be the hapless civilian caught in the middle, hoping one of Jim B's 2nd Gen gallon paintcans doesn't knock you on the noggin, or MajMike splats you with a track while maneuvering through the brushy area you're hiding in.
 
By John of Argghhh! on October 27, 2006 6:22 AM
Oooo! Oooo! Ry can by the al-Reuters Reporter! That's it!
 
By WereKitten on October 27, 2006 8:35 AM
OMG... Laughing.. SO HARD. Of course, when Sgt. B told me that FbL has been flashing bras, I had to check it out. I took the quiz... and ended up as an ANIMAL PRINT BRA. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH... oh, my sides... they ache from laughing so hard!
 
By FbL on October 27, 2006 10:05 AM
"Animal print?" Like we didn't see that coming a mile away... That quiz must be pretty accurate, huh? :D
 
By ry on October 27, 2006 11:09 PM
Ack. I didn't know I'd pissed you off so heavily of late to be demoted to al-Reuters reporter or collateral damage. ;) Can't I just sit on the sidelines then?