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Saturday's Sundries

September 30, 2006 | | Comments (11)

One of the nice breaks from all the auto-replies (okay -- make that the *only* nice thing) I get in my resume-spamming onslaught is the rare response from a live human.

Usually, it's because he or she is either bored to tears or curious as all get-out:

"Geez, I've *never* seen anybody as over-qualified as you; can I have your autograph?"

"Actually, we're looking for somebody who'll boost our bowling league's average..."

"I don't think you'll fit our corporate image. I keep visualizing you in combat boots and a flak vest."

However, on rare occasions, I get tips on upcoming jobs and, on even rarer occasions, I get stuff like this...

I hope these give you a laugh -- some quotes taken from real resumes & cover letters; printed in the 07/21/97 issue of Fortune Magazine...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employer that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"Personal interest: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Heh. Maybe if I take up bowling...

A tip of the ol' dented SPH-4 to Dawn B.

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11 Comments

By ry on September 30, 2006 5:14 AM
Hey, who read *my* resumes?
 
By haji 0 matic on September 30, 2006 7:49 AM
I think ONE (or TWO) of those might be mine....
 
By WillyShake on September 30, 2006 7:58 AM
ha-HA! I'm on the job market myself right now, so this was very timely--thanks, shipmate!
 
By cw4(ret)billt on September 30, 2006 11:02 AM
WillyShake - If you've got a TS clearance, I can steer you to a couple of places. And VA and CA contractors are looking for former squids with a plain vanilla Seekrit who dig writing code. Ry - They can't possibly be yours -- they're grammaratically-correct. And their spellt gud, two. Haji O - Lemme guess: the *last* one...
 
By SangerM on September 30, 2006 2:23 PM
I've had reason to review scores of resumes over the past 15 years, and I am endlessly amazed at how uniformly poor they are. We once got a resume from a fellow who had made corrections in pencil! Worse, some of the corrections were wrong. He was applying for a job as a defense-software interoperability test analyst. Other resumes I've been sent had some of the stupidest things on them. It's just hard to describe. . . And while newly-graduated civilians send some real crap, military people in particular really need to look at guides like "What color is my parachute?" before they send out a resume they come up with on their own, or are helped with by the local ed. center. In 1992, I paid a high-end company a LOT of money to teach me to craft a resume and cover letters and how to apply for jobs. They taught me how to do it, they didn't do it for me. It was worth every penny. I got a job with my second application after that, and compliments on every single paper submission since. That same resume format was the foundation for my recent scholarship application, which I only had two weeks to prepare (with letters of recommendation) and submit. I was able to get it done because I keep the resume updated w/ twice annual revisions regardless of need. It's two pages with a one page training/ed supplemental for people who want that. It took me weeks to get right. I'm _not_ bragging, but rather making the point that a resume is the utmost heart of a person's personal "branding," yet I am amazed at how few people understand the value of a very good resume (and cover letter when appropriate), even in today's e-app world. And I cannot over-emphasize the value of a good coach/tutor/mentor or a couple of good books. Leaving the Army as an E6 with NO "knife & fork" or job-hunting training, I was quite daunted. I managed to get a couple of decent jobs, but only because I'd already read "dress for success" and the parachute book, and taken their advice to heart. They really did help, if only so I didn't show up for an interview looking like a used car salesman. Later, though, I decided to complete the training so I paid for the extra 'lernin.' In many ways, that decision was partly responsible for me being granted the scholarship, and for the path I am on now. VR, Sanger
 
By Justthisguy on September 30, 2006 3:43 PM
OH yeah, SangerM. I recall reading, somewhere in one of the editions of the parachute book, about a guy who got hired someplace and got access to the personnel files, including his own. He determined, I think, that dang' near everybody who had applied for the job was better qualified to do it than he was, he just made a better impression in the interview. As I recall, Bolles included some tips in his book on how to get past the social HR doodahs and get to talk to the person one might actually work for.
 
By cw4(ret)billt on October 2, 2006 6:57 AM
I've got four different targeted-resumes out there and each one has been reviewed and A-OK'ed by people who write them for a living. Only negative comment has been, "Too many military jobs and not enough civilian ones." A guy from one of the Fortune 500s who knows me gave me some mock-interview practice and said, "You'll ace an interview -- you've just gotta *get* one." Great. How does ya increase the number of civilian jobs on yer resume if ya dassn't get civilian job interviews?
 
By SangerM on October 2, 2006 12:12 PM
Write the tasks done, not the job titles, then convert to civilian equivalent jobs where appropriate. HR geeks understand managed, implemented, operated, etc. Or maintentance manager vice shop chief. There are ways, even when talking about combat arms kinds of things---all matched to the top part of the resume which should say what you want to do, and why you think you should be hired to do that... Very clean, not real hard for the most part Of course, you might try applying for jobs with companies that use military skills. Coca Cola just doesn't get it, but Booze Allen does... Just sayin' V/R If you're serious about this, I can send you what I use... it may or may not be useful. Let me know at home..
 
By cw4(ret)billt on October 2, 2006 2:08 PM
*grin* Thanks, Sanger, but I already hopped on that bandwagon. I spent two days researching and translating skills and then polishing the results. BTW, I'm fresh from an interview -- VP of Development said resume-plus-interview blew everybody else out of the running for a training manager / program manager combo opening in April. Now, I've just gotta figure out how to pay the next two tax bills...
 
By KCSteve on October 2, 2006 2:56 PM
That last one really is me - just about every place I've ever worked has gone away after I left. I think BDM is still there in Leavenworth but no one else has survived the experience of losing me. And there's no proof at all that I ever did anything that caused it to happen. ;)
 
By SangerM on October 2, 2006 10:09 PM
JTG: Yes presentation is everything. I got a job once just because I had a BS (the actual degree didn't matter), and because I inerviewed well. I hadn't a clue about the job (no kidding, I thught I did, but turned out I was wrong), and at the end of a really grueling interview--the worst I'v ever had--the retired Army major harda$$ says, It's ok, you couldn't possibly know anything about this job, everyone in the U.S. who can do it works for me or for the government and I know 'em all... (for the savvy: it was TADIL interoperability tester). KCSteve: I worked for BDM from '92-'96, half in AZ, half in Mo. They paid for my MA. BDM was bought by TRW a while ago. Sorry. BillT: Good deal. I didn't figure you needed my help, but just in case that was a genuine cry for help... :-) Training Mgr? That's where I used to want to be, but lately I don't know where I'm gong to end up. Standing on a corner with will write resumes for food sign, most likely....
 
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