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Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

Nod to Warren Zevon...

From an email, an observation of how war will finally wither away... much like fun playground equipment has, and for the same reason:

Sir,

If we do this the way the New York Times wants it done...


Urban combat in 2020

The squad Captain-Solicitor will laser designate each building the squad will likely enter or from which they are taking fire. The GPS co-ordinates will be transferred by satellite to Washington where the Pentagon's legal software will file warrants to enter the houses with the World Court in the Hague. Warrants will be requested hundreds of times per minute.

Meanwhile, the terrorists' legal software operating from the Iranian consul in Amsterdam will file restraining orders against the U.S.Army at the same rate.

Amnesty International will file Freedom of Information requests to publicly post the Army's intended targets in real-time. Every building the Army targets but does not enter will be treated as frivolous lawsuit by the International Bar Association.

Wrongful Death and other civil suits will assail the legal computers, but the Pentagon will auto-counter-sue at 800 to 1200 suits per minute with processing power to spare for restraining orders against the NBC/CNN robo-cameras hovering around the heads of our troops.

and so forth...

rodent



This photo accompanied the story.

Military Police prepare to refuel before entering the city of Whew!, Mudholistan on December 5, 2020, while their International Court-appointed solicitor ensures that their field-refueling permits are still valid, and that all proper per-event environmental impact forms have been filed, examined, rejected, resubmitted, approved, and thus the refueling operation is permissable, after which the forms will be buried in a peat bog and recycled as fire lighters.  (Released)</p>

<p>(U.S. Army Photo by Spc Daniel Blowhard December 5, 2020.)</p>

<p>Released by Maj. Hawthorne-Smythwaite, Esq.

Military Police prepare to refuel before entering the city of Whew!, Mudholistan on December 5, 2020, while their International Court-appointed solicitor ensures that their field-refueling permits are still valid, and that all proper per-event environmental impact forms have been filed, examined, rejected, resubmitted, approved, and thus the refueling operation is permissable, after which the forms will be buried in a peat bog and recycled as fire lighters. (Released)

(U.S. Army Photo by Spc Daniel Blowhard December 5, 2020.)

Released by Maj. Hawthorne-Smythwaite, Esq.">

6 Comments

LOL!! (or is it crying?) Good grief, that doesn't sound nearly as unbelievable is it should!
 
That's freaking hilari…sad. The FOI reference reminded me of the Saturday Night Live skit where reporters were repeatedly asking a Desert Storm/Shield general exactly where our troops where, what type of equipment they had, how many troops, where they’d be moving, etc…all of which, like your post, is all to close to the truth.
 
Yeah...is it 2020 already? Time flies.
 
Aw, he looks so cute in his bulletproof sharkskin suit.
 
Dang! Winston wasn't kiddin' when he said "cruel and *sordid*!" Don't worry, I betcha we'll still have the icky nasty revolting parts of the business, but the few remaining fun parts will be done by robots. They've already replaced most of us bandsmen, years ago.
 
This whole "lawyers are running the country" thing could have been easily prevented if the lawyer for the losing side in any court case were made to share the fate of his client...
 
© 2008 John Donovan
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