previous post next post  

A note from the Exterior Guard.

By The Armorer on December 27, 2005 | | Comments (16)
Hosting provided by FotoTime

Who were a tad grumpy they stayed here while we went to visit the Center of the Familial Universe.

Top 10 [Heh, they can't count) Exterior Guard "pet" peeves about the Armorer.

1. Blaming your farts on us . . not funny . . . not funny at all! ! !

2. Yelling at us for barking. Do we yell at YOU for TALKING? We're FRIGGIN' DOGS, YOU IDIOT! It's what you hired us for (and about that pay thing...)

3. Taking us for a walk, then not letting us check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on our noses . . stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. That's why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Well, that and see the "pay thing" above.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. Butthead.

7. Taking us to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when we freak out every time we go back! Dogs don't get painkillers! Okay, okay, thetre *is* hat tasty chondroitin thingy, but you get the point...)

8. Getting upset when we sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ? ? ? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when we lick ourselves. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

11. Lay off on some of these things; we both know who's boss here (you don't see *us* picking up your poop do you ? ? ? ) Oh, speaking of poop - get rid of those automatic cat-litter boxes... those crunchy tootsie-rolls are a perk (see that "pay thing," above)!

Hosting provided by FotoTime

Heh. You can see how hard the job is...

H/t, Jim C.

Update: Don't you *dare* remove those automatic toilets, or we'll blarg on your pillows! They're kewl! Signed, The Interior Guard.

Share This Article:

Share |

Categories:

16 Comments

By cw4(ret)billt on December 27, 2005 4:08 PM
Heh. From the looks of things, *somebody's* discovered that rabbits zigzag in a predictable pattern. Are their tularemia shots up to date?
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 27, 2005 4:32 PM
That's not a rabbit, it's a viciously gnawed on rope chew toy. The mole population did decline over the summer, however. As we discovered when I noted little feet in a pile of gack...
 
By cw4(ret)billt on December 27, 2005 4:37 PM
Must've been an awful big pile of gack. But no loss--moles make lousy drummers...
 
By ry on December 27, 2005 6:22 PM
OMG, is that black and white thing a dog or a small cow? I didn't think even St. Bernards got that big. Forget asking me to mow the lawn. It'd take half the day to make it safe, unless you wanted to make Chariot of Argghhh! into the Feces Flinger 9000.
 
By cw4(ret)billt on December 27, 2005 6:32 PM
That's why waders are so popular in Kansas, even though there aren't a whole lot of streams (other than the Missouri Rivulet)...
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 27, 2005 7:09 PM
Shadow is a Black Lab, you pansy. And that's what a mulching mower is for. It's all fertilizer!
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 27, 2005 7:11 PM
Heh. Tell that to the people who've been flooded by Stranger Creek (no, we *don't* live nearby) or Three Mile Creek (so called because it's measured from the flagpole of the oldest Fort west of the Mississippi...
 
By ry on December 27, 2005 8:49 PM
No, not the black and brown thing laying down, but the big black and white thing to the *left* of the rather avg. looking lab. I can't tell if that's garbage or a really freakin' huge dog)top left corner of the second picture).
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 27, 2005 8:57 PM
The "black and white thing" is a medium-sized mutt. The little black and brown thing is a Rat Terrier named Houdini. He's a small 'un. The tubby fella is a Jack Daniels terrier named Whiskey. Cuz' he's a licker.
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 27, 2005 9:06 PM
There's three all told, Ry - Shadow, Whiskey, and Houdini, in descending age *and* size.
 
By MCart on December 28, 2005 2:31 AM
I'm with Ry on this one.. The 'black and brown thing' looks like a Doberman in that photo, which puts the 'black and white thing' on the left into the 300-600lb sow range.. Odd forced perspective or something going on in that photo.. Fella on the left looks like he has a bigger neck than my buddy's 110lb Malamute, Maddox.
 
By John of Argghhh! on December 28, 2005 7:23 AM
Oh, for pity's sake, people. Here's the "Doberman"... And while Whiskey *is* a porker, he's not *that* big...
 
By KCSteve on December 28, 2005 1:24 PM
It's the forced perspective. We look and see Houdini and without any reference class him as "Doberman". Dobermans are of a known size. Which makes Whiskey an 'unknown' of enormous estimated size. When you know Houdini is about cat-sized then Whiskey snaps back to normal.
 
By KCSteve on December 28, 2005 1:32 PM
Sorry for the multi-post - proxy server decided to act up. Hopefully John can delete these extras.
 
By Casey Tompkins on December 28, 2005 1:37 PM
Well. That explains it. And here I thought John was keeping a pet pig...
 
By cw4(ret)billt on December 28, 2005 1:38 PM
*What* multi-post? *saunters off whistling off-key*