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January 03, 2007

Every Once In A While...

...I stumble across this old chestnut.

Suitably updated, naturally, from Being All that It Could Be in the Army of One to being Army Strong.

"Sir! Why, Sir, did the chicken cross the road, Sir?!?"

USAAVNC: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with the tasks, conditions and standards inherent in road-crossing. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunrise and sunset. Solo chickens must have at least three miles visibility and a safety observer. Special considerations: MOPP Level IV Not Authorized.

HQ, DA: Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 1-year unaccompanied tour and the chicken will have a stabilized 3-year tour upon its return. The chicken will not be eligible for re-deployment until at least three months after its return. Every chicken will be required to accomplish one road-crossing during its career, which will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

TRADOC: This event will need confirmation by repeated iterations of road-crossing using various chicken breeds, road types and weather conditions in order to confirm whether it will consistently occur within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might be tasked with crossing Thruways/Interstate Highways. Commanders will insure that a Risk Assessment Worksheet is completed for each set of specified conditions.

USAREUR: The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained OPCON to SFOR and was not sliced to KFOR on the other side of the road. Without slicing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near-perfect, real-time, in-transit visibility.

USASC: The chicken was instructed to "Hold Short" of the road. This Road Incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Commanders will re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all Hold Short instructions.

CECOM: The legacy "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with multi-functional, supportable, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class Warrior and Supporting-Element Chickens (WSEC), enabling them to dominate the digital roads of today and tomorrow. However, previously-committed funding for legacy Comanche software development will require the Service to further slip initial fielding of the WSEC to the right by two-to-four years unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.

CENTCOM J-6 Chicken Systems Program Office (C2J6-CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, CSPO assisted the chicken in rethinking its physical distribution strategy and core-paradigm processes, thereby enabling the chicken to implement change in order to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not yet occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

SOCOM: Chicken? What chicken? You did *not* see a chicken, understand?

Acronymed out? See Flash Traffic...

USAAVNC -- US Army AViatioN Center, aka, The Schoolhouse, aka, Mother Rucker.

HQ, DA -- Headquarters, Department of the Army. The head head in the head shed. Key piece in the Puzzle Palace.

TRADOC -- TRaining And DOctrine Command. Or, sometimes TRAining and DOctrine Command. It doesn't matter, so long as you maintain internal consistency within the document.

USAREUR -- US ARmy, EURope. The only major command (MACOM) that will be able to fit in a squad dayroom once all the unit juggling is finished.

USASC -- US Army Safety Center. It used to be the US Army AViatioN Center/School and Aviation Safety Center, but one morning, the sign fell down and they had to whack it up to get it out of the boxwoods.

CECOM -- Communications and Electronics COMmand. They make some really neat prototypes that nobody knows how to activate -- or if it's even safe to do so.

CENTCOM -- CENTral COMmand. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Or at least place you in the holding cell beneath the stage at Cap'n Jack's in Doha...

SOCOM -- Special Operations COMmand. Acronym? What acronym...?

Comments on Every Once In A While...
Barb briefed on January 3, 2007 10:37 AM

Of course, I am missing most of the fun of the acronyms, but the content is still humerous :-) I get SOCOM, but the rest are outside of my realm of knowledge.

BillT briefed on January 3, 2007 11:18 AM

"Acronymed out? See Flash Traffic..."

Hint Hint Hint Hint Hint Hint Hint Hint Hint

John of Argghhh! briefed on January 3, 2007 11:28 AM

I was just gonna let her twist slowly in the wind...

Bad Cat Robot briefed on January 3, 2007 12:09 PM

Dear Sugarbuttons:
TEG (Terminal Eye-Glazing) caused by EAU (Excessive Acronym Usage) occurred waaaaay before your little sop to the civilians at the very end. And you don't want to provoke Brab into a UTE (Unrestricted TLA(Three Letter Acronym) Exchange), you really don't.

Barb briefed on January 3, 2007 12:59 PM

Heck - here at the Circle M, we have web sites to keep track of the various definitions of TLA's. Don't get me started :-)

It occurs to me, though, that between the techie and military acronyms, the poor guys who are both soldiers and techies have no idea how to speak a complete sentence!

John of Argghhh! briefed on January 3, 2007 05:19 PM

Five yard penalty to Bad Cat Robot for Nested Acronyms!

Bad Cat Robot briefed on January 3, 2007 06:05 PM

Hey, I thought I got extra credit for nested acronyms! Fooey.

John of Argghhh! briefed on January 3, 2007 06:24 PM

It was only a 5 yard penalty because you defined your acronyms! Otherwise, 15 *and* loss of down!

Army Girl briefed on January 3, 2007 09:20 PM

I about fell out of my chair.. that was HILARIOUS..

Sad thing is.. I knew almost every single one of those.. umm.. except the one you explained, had a downed sign.

Oh.. pays to be an Army Brat/Girl

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