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November 15, 2006

Michael Moore's Contract with on Conservatives...

My comments in [] brackets. Feel free to add yours!

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives [puts hand on wallet]

November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand. [Yay! We got through to him! Snerk]

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you. [MMoore - *I* am the Government, and I'm here to help! Scary words!]

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. [Yeah, Mike, I get it, dude, you are *so* subtle-funny! As long as I'm not un-PC in my dissent (MCRI anyone?) or criticize your shibboleths, and stick safely to marginal topics or make no substantive criticism, I'm free to say anything I want.]

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love — it's a wonderful gift. [Of course, you *do* realize that in several states, less than half the voting population agrees with that sentiment, regardless of the merits, right? Heh. I thought *my* side were the Republicans and *yours* were the Democrats?]

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you. [There isn't a whole lot of historical support for that statement, dude. Pardon me while I keep my hand on my wallet.]

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie. [Again, it's a Brave New World, right? We're supposed to ignore history? But at least you imply that war *is* an option. How serious a one we'll see when you guys get the chance to fund the military. I suspect we'll have the *healthiest* most personally protected nerf-armed military in the world... well, again, if I actually expect you to match deeds to rhetoric]

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too. [Hey! I thought you were going to balance the budget! Oh, wait - that's right, Nerf-armed Department of Peace = Universal Health Care. Sigh. It sure sounds good, but I just have to drink the maple syrup and assume that Alan's experience will be the Universal experience, all other data to the contrary. Heh. I already have government controlled, managed, and provided health care, dude. All I want to know is - will you and all your rich friends agree to restrict yourselves to using *only* that service? Or are you going to just buy all the healthcare you want, however and wherever you want - while making sure we unwashed masses pay the bills for each other? Just askin' Gimme the pledge, man - that when Universal Coverage is passed, all rich liberals and powerful Democrat politicians will use that service exclusively - and never, ever, get to bump the lines. Period. Sign that pledge, and maybe I'll take you seriously. We'll skip the whole "Give Me More Dead Babies To Feed The Beast So That Those Fortunate Enough To Escape The Birth Canal Can Live Forever!!! and other slippery slope arguments. It's just a bit too Peter Singer for Cro-Magnon me..]

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. [Not to mention the rolling blackouts we'll provide so you can *really* understand how Third World people live.]

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. [Applying all the same tactics and procedural safeguards employed up to 9/11 to do so. You really didn't think this one through Mike. What you said was, you'll avenge me in a judicial and judicious fashion, but not enhance your ability to detect and prevent them from doing it - because, well, that might hurt someone's cultural feelings and all. I think it's revealing, Mike that you assure me you'll go catch the bad guy (I got it - you'll use restraint and the police approach vice reckless abandon and war) after he does it. Oh, and you'll protect me. Again - you're more focused on making sure we don't hinder anyone who knows how to play the grievance game than you really are about protecting anyone. It really is 9/10 in your world, isn't it Mike?]

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived. [Yeah, lucky me, I was born. But yer sure gonna stick your nose into my garage, kitchen, refrigerator, and gun room, arncha?]

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours. [Oy. Mike, you'd definitely rather be shot with an SKS or AK-clone than a Mauser X firing hunting ammo. No one hunts with automatic weapons, Mike - and if they do, they're doing it with heavily controlled, lawfully registered, and damned expensive weapons. And you really don't understand hunting, either. If you can take a deer with a handgun, you're a damfine hunter. You've got to get *close* to do that. It's easy to take a zeroed, scoped rifle with a range of over a mile, and shooting from a rest in a blind, kill an animal 800 yards away that will damn near be bled out before the sound of your shot reaches its now-dead ears. That's sniping, and takes patience. Hunting with a handgun - that's tracking and stalking, and takes some serious skillz, dude. But, all you're going to do is take away weapons from the law-abiding and pat yourselves on the back for having accomplished something. Because let's face it - most of the gun violence in this country is committed by people who get to play the grievance cards, which means you can't do too much about it, because that would be messing with their culture... ]
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you — and your employees — that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too. [So, In addition to the raised taxes, I gotta take a paycut, too? Oh, sorry - I forgot - what I earn isn't really mine, it belongs to The People In Power, who will determine how much I am allowed to have on a month-to-month basis. That is one of the fundamental philosophical differences between your side and mine, Mike. The premise of who owns what. Oh, and do all these rules and stuff that apply to you, Mike? Will you make sure that all the employees *you* have get that minimum wage and all the bennies? IIRC, you sometimes make exceptions.]

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism — starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world. [Um, Mike, shouldn't that be "Christian Religious Intolerance?" I don't see any sign of your side going after the Imams...]

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition. [Okay, I call you on it. Gimme the head of Representative Jefferson.]

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world. [Go for it, Dude. I got no argument with the sentiment - the devil, as always, is in the details and definitions, ain't it? Remember, you *did* ask me to dissent]

Michael Moore
(Click here to sign the pledge)

P.S. Please feel free to pass this on.

Comments on Michael Moore's Contract with on Conservatives...
JimC briefed on November 15, 2006 10:26 AM

This yardbird is in power? And how would that be? He has no office and no real power.

BTW, does this loudmouth donate his money to charities?

BloodSpite briefed on November 15, 2006 10:47 AM

I would puke all over his "contract" but I don't want to ruin a perfectly good vomit in that manner.

WereKitten briefed on November 15, 2006 01:24 PM

That's pretty bad when something, or someone, isn't even worth wasting vomit on. But I have to agree. What a waste of space that MM is.

Cricket briefed on November 15, 2006 05:36 PM

Mikey Moore is a twit. I think he might have tried to get an A in creative writing from either DU or Daily Kos. And how very inclusive of him.

*starts hacking up a hairball.*

SangerM briefed on November 15, 2006 08:03 PM

I'd really like to shoot Michael Moore in the face with a bozooka. Really. No, wait, a TOW. No, a Hawk. Wait, a Peacekeeper....

Well, ok, not really. It probably wouldn't go off anyway, since there's nothing firmer than tofu to run into. I'd probably have to use a proximity fuse or something so the thing would know it was time to go off...

Maybe we could entice a jihadist to fly a plane into Michael Moore. That'd be like killing 3,000 really ugly really stupid people all at once wouldn't it?

Do you think that make me a "bad mans?"

og briefed on November 15, 2006 09:54 PM

What a scumbag. I'm surprised the irony of his idiocy doesn't cause him to spontaneously combust.

Murray briefed on November 15, 2006 10:34 PM

Who the expletive told this Haliburton stock owning, employee abusing, fat expletive that he was suddenly "the government"?

I got as many votes has he did.

Quick check - Bush is in the Whitehouse, deal with it.

Trias briefed on November 15, 2006 11:14 PM

Well Well.. I give him points for getting the rise out of conservatives he so obviously wanted.

John of Argghhh! briefed on November 16, 2006 08:38 AM

Yeah, but there's some parts in there we'll toss in his face over time, Trias. Especially 9, 10, and 12.

And if we can't - then we'll have won anyway, eh?

Linoge briefed on November 16, 2006 09:50 AM

Well, I always knew that man was completely out of touch with reality... this "pledge" only goes to prove that point further. Oh well... if he wants to make an arse of himself, I certainly am not going to stop him, and this definitely goes above and beyond in that category.

dc briefed on November 17, 2006 03:19 PM

Thanks, Mike!

I'm all for the universal medical care. But, if we have to pay for it, YOU and your Hollywood Elite should be required to USE IT! No private Health care for you. You will stand in line like a homeless person getting cold remedies at the local Emergency Room.

In the Socialist Workers Paradise of England, our Betters usually dodge the year and a half wait by paying for their care. This means that the wait is three days, vice 18 months.

How "Big" of Mikey, to care!