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September 30, 2006

Saturday's Sundries

One of the nice breaks from all the auto-replies (okay -- make that the *only* nice thing) I get in my resume-spamming onslaught is the rare response from a live human.

Usually, it's because he or she is either bored to tears or curious as all get-out:

"Geez, I've *never* seen anybody as over-qualified as you; can I have your autograph?"

"Actually, we're looking for somebody who'll boost our bowling league's average..."

"I don't think you'll fit our corporate image. I keep visualizing you in combat boots and a flak vest."

However, on rare occasions, I get tips on upcoming jobs and, on even rarer occasions, I get stuff like this...

I hope these give you a laugh -- some quotes taken from real resumes & cover letters; printed in the 07/21/97 issue of Fortune Magazine...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employer that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

"Personal interest: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Heh. Maybe if I take up bowling...

A tip of the ol' dented SPH-4 to Dawn B.