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August 10, 2006

The current kerfuffle over carry-on bags and the plot the Brits uncovered.

Not having anything to add to the current barrage of news on the subject, Castle Argghhh! provides this transcript of Secretary Chertoff's press conference announcing new security measures taking effect in the immediate and near future.

Washington, DC, August 10, 2006. (Castle News Service) In a hastily-called press conference conducted on a New Orleans levee today, Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff announced today strict new measures to prevent suicide bombing of airliners. Rather than just keep incrementally banning things that can be brought aboard as carry-on, *all* baggage must be checked, and, instead of flying with the passengers, will proceed to the passengers destinations on chartered cargo aircraft. Secretary Chertoff noted that "Given the record of FedEx, UPS, Airborne Express, etc, bags will have a greater chance of reaching their proper destination on time than they, or passengers, do currently." In addition, he noted, " meet the increased pilot demand, these aircraft will be crewed by condemned prisoners, so who cares if they blow up?" The ACLU immediately planned to file an injunction, saying that allowing prisoners to live under the threat of uncertain death was cruel and unusual punishment and they should just remain locked up 23 hours a day, which was safer and better for them.

Continuing his discussion of new security measures, Secretary Chertoff announced that all airlines had one month to prepare their aircraft and aircrews for conversion to the "Naked Air" standard, and was giving the airlines a month to get some weight loss programs instituted to slim down the crews.

Secretary Chertoff said that the Constitution and memories of his Aunts and "Big Bertha" from high school drove the decision that airline passengers, vice crew, could refuse to fly naked[NSFW notice]. However, those passengers refusing to do so would fly in special, limited seating, called "Hannibal Class."

Secretary Chertoff concluded with this comment and recommendation. "From now on, the only thing travelers will be allowed to board an aircraft with will be... their towel."

The shade of Douglas Adams contributed to this report.

Update: Cassandra has more...

Scrappleface notes a UK panel asking... "Why do they hate Airplanes?" Navin R. Johnson, call your office...

John | Permalink | Comments (8) | Global War on Terror (GWOT)
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