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February 20, 2006



Maggie tagged me.

Geez -- what'd I ever do her? Oh -- *that*.

1. Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?

Right. I’m still trying to get used to them having sound and you’re throwing color at me?

2. What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

The puerile antics of the glitterati. The sum total of my interest in anything out of Hollywood or MTVLand wouldn’t fill the space between two lovestruck gluons.

3. MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?

CDs. The ones I burn myself from MP3s and sound files I’ve recorded from tapes and records.

4. You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

No. Extrapolating from past experience, the airline would lose my duffle bag, they’d bollix the destination and I’d wind up stuck in some Third World country where the national pastime is discussing color movies and professional sports. Besides, have you ever tried to get ten million bucks in *cash* through customs?

5. Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

The war we’re waging against the dirtbags who think God wants them to kill women and kids until the rest of us fall on our knees so they won’t overexert themselves when they cut our heads off.
The second most pressing issue is the inexcusable way in which the Usual Gang of Congressional Idiots has morphed into the Useful Tools of Wahabism -- motivated solely by partisan politics.

6. How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

I would inform the heads of those states that allow Wahabist madrassas to flourish within their borders to imagine the change in their lives when the imams issue a fatwah against them. Then I’d give them a week. If no clampdown had happened by then, al-Jazeera would get daily deliveries of grainy videotapes showing the imams issuing fatwahs against the heretics in the palace.
And if anybody thinks I’ve committed an insufferable affront against religious freedom, I’ll gladly apologize on Easter Sunday from the pulpit of the Cathedral in Riyadh.

7. You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?

If I did that, I wouldn’t be the same sunken-chested, pencil-necked, wizened old curmudgeonly geek you’ve all come to know and love.
Ummmm -- to *know,* anyway…

8. You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?

Switch the scrolls in the Library at Alexandria with a couple of cords of firewood. Mixed with a couple of sweating sticks of dynamite...

9. A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry -- which do you choose?

Depends -- is Dolly Parton gonna be Brunhilde? If not, then I’d go with *this* Night at the Opera, although this one will do in a pinch.

10. What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?

Who switched out an apple for that green persimmon in the Garden?

11. One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?

The pre-Das Kapital Karl Marx. Castor bean and rosary pea salad with strychnine dressing.

12. You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

You make the assumption I'd consider it a cause for celebration. Ignoring that Lennon was a better songwriter than theologian, if I discovered that little scenario, it would either mean that
a. I’d died and wouldn’t be in a position to do anything, moral or im- ,
or that
b. somebody’d revealed it to me -- which would be a tad contradictory: “Hi, I’m John Lennon and I just came back to tell you there’s nothing after death, especially Yoko’s songs…”
Which is a roundabout way of saying that I’d still have to live with myself, so the answer is, “Not a thing.”

I'd tag Debbie Schlussel, but she'd probably lump me in with the rest of the Danes working here.

Or, she'd just lump me...