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December 27, 2005

A note from the Exterior Guard.

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Who were a tad grumpy they stayed here while we went to visit the Center of the Familial Universe.

Top 10 [Heh, they can't count) Exterior Guard "pet" peeves about the Armorer.

1. Blaming your farts on us . . not funny . . . not funny at all! ! !

2. Yelling at us for barking. Do we yell at YOU for TALKING? We're FRIGGIN' DOGS, YOU IDIOT! It's what you hired us for (and about that pay thing...)

3. Taking us for a walk, then not letting us check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on our noses . . stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. That's why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Well, that and see the "pay thing" above.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. Butthead.

7. Taking us to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when we freak out every time we go back! Dogs don't get painkillers! Okay, okay, thetre *is* hat tasty chondroitin thingy, but you get the point...)

8. Getting upset when we sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but we haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ? ? ? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when we lick ourselves. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

11. Lay off on some of these things; we both know who's boss here (you don't see *us* picking up your poop do you ? ? ? ) Oh, speaking of poop - get rid of those automatic cat-litter boxes... those crunchy tootsie-rolls are a perk (see that "pay thing," above)!

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Heh. You can see how hard the job is...

H/t, Jim C.

Update: Don't you *dare* remove those automatic toilets, or we'll blarg on your pillows! They're kewl! Signed, The Interior Guard.