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October 26, 2005

New Mil-themed TV show.

From an email. A sense of humor is alive and well among the troops. And, of course, just enough truth to bite.

The New TV Series, "The E-Ring"

Episode 3: DFAS Trauma [Defense Finance and Accounting Service - the Paymasters]. The Major's LES [Leave and Earnings Statement - The Pay Stub] still reflects combat and jump pay. He spends the entire episode trying to get through to the help desk at DFAS, with no luck. He therefore launches a cruise missile strike on the call center, only to find out that it's really in Pakistan, thus creating an international incident. Fortunately for him, COL Dennis "Billy the Kid" Hopper discovers that a number of Al Qaeda operatives have been manning the phones as a fund raiser. All's well that ends well.

Episode 4: The 15-6 [administrative investigation]. Major Ben Bratt is assigned as a 15-6 investigating officer, to determine who was at fault when a cache of Girls Gone Wild video files are found on the office laptop computer. While he's doing this, he has to use the laptop to thwart an Iranian nuclear strike on the US. When a DoD attorney discovers that he actually used the laptop, he is accused of looking a the Girls Gone Wild website. COL Hopper comes to rescue by explaining to the SECDEF that the Major, once again, has saved the nation.

Episode 5: CFC Campaign [Combined Federal Campaign Campaign - the feds United Way campaign, as written by the Department of Redundancy Department]. As the new guy, the Major is assigned the additional duty as the Combined Federal Campaign officer of OSD. He struggles to meet the SECDEFs goal of 100% participation in the office. Knowing that this could jeopardize his future, he get on the secure SATCOMM and calls his buddies deep in the mountains of Afghanistan to get them to contribute. He then jacks up the Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs and his staff saying "even my guys in the field donate". The Chairmen congratulates him, awards him an impact JSCOM [Joint Service Commendation Medal], and reprimands his staff for not supporting the CFC.

Episode 6: The Ugly Girl. An ugly female Air Force officer is assigned to the staff. Although fully qualified to do the job, the colonel and Major must do what they can to get her out of the building. At the same time, the good looking DoD lawyer, the good looking marine MSG, and the good looking intel officer all band together to keep Ugly Girl on staff. They figure that they will always look good if she's around.

Episode 7: The Young Colonel. COL Dennis Hopper is put to the test as a young-gun O-6 from USSOCOM [US Special Operations Command] is sent to the staff to show them "how it's done in the field". The show climaxes when the two colonels get into a fight at a gentleman's club in Silver Springs. You can imagine who wins. Guest starring Charlton Heston as the young O-6.

Episode 8: ACU Issue. Major Bratt is assigned the additional duty of coordinating the Army Combat Uniform issue for the office. He's not sure why, since they always wear their their Class A or B uniforms. COL Hopper tells him "There's a war on Major! Let's get it done!". The Major then gets an intern from the Pentagon Information Management Center (MICE) to develop a spread sheet for him that lists uniform and boot sizes. He then goes to the Undersecretary of Defense for Resources and gets him to develop a spreadsheet for the officers who must purchase their uniforms.

Episode 9: The Commute. This episode actually covers a couple of days in the life of the high speed, low drag Major. On day one he drives his POV [Privately Owned Vehicle] to the building and parks in an open spot in Lane 3 near the Corridor 3 Entrance. Turns out it's the Asst Secretary of Defense for Manpower's temporary parking spot. He's not happy and confronts the Major. But the Major puts the SES-4 [Senior Executive Service, Level 4 - muckety-muck civilian appointee] in his place, telling him that he should be ashamed of himself for talking to a warrior like that. The civilian backs down, but because the Major realizes that there is some protocol involved here, he moves. The next day he rides the bus and Metro. Not having exact change for the bus he lambastes the driver, who is obviously not of European descent, for telling him there will be no change. The other people on the bus bust into applause as the Major says "Keep your change, and welcome to America!".

Episode 10: The Briefing. COL Dennis Hopper tasks the Major to prepare a PowerPoint briefing on a variety of SIGACTS [Significant Activities] occurring in the office. The Major (as you may recall) is a warrior and doesn't know how to use PowerPoint: "Sir, in Tora Bora the bullets we used made a different statement!". The Major, who previously infuriated a young good looking female intern at the IMCEN (see Episode 8), must now turn on the charm to get her to help him. While this is going on, he must participate in a covert mission to Colombia to eradicate the coca leaf crop.

Episode 11: Lost ID Badge: The Major loses his Pentagon access badge. While he's able to talk his way through the numerous check points (there are some attractive female guards working there), he is ordered by COL Hopper to go to Crystal City to get a new badge. While he's there, he stops off at the Crystal City Mall for lunch, and realizes that the food server is none other that Albanian war criminal Mlvncqzc Kdfpqzvmncv. He needs to get an 80% facial recognition by DIA on this guy before he can call in SEAL Team 6 to take him out. Thank God for Verizon cell phones!

Episode 12: Career in Jeopardy: Last show of season. The Major is in deep trouble, and COL Hopper might not be able to help him out. It's the end of the FY and the Major has repeatedly failed to attend the Mandatory Ethics Briefing. He has gone just too far this time. Even the SECDEF is pissed off about this one. There's one session left before the final roster is sent to Congress for review. If Senator Boxer and Congresswoman Pelosi realize that the Major did not attend one of the 24 available sessions during the FY, it could jeopardize the entire DoD budget for years to come. He's scheduled to attend the last session the day after tomorrow, but just received word that "Mr. O" and "Mr. Z" will be meeting in Syria tomorrow. Can he get there in time to take these HVTs [High Value Targets] out and return for the briefing before it's too late? Wait until next season to find out!

*Spoof episodes, of course - yet more reflective of reality than the show.

John | Permalink | Comments (37) | I think it's funny!
» NIF links with: Gonna be a long day!
» Mind in the Qatar links with: I love the E-Ring!
» BLACKFIVE links with: E-Ring Future Episodes
» CDR Salamander links with: I demand royalties
» Silent Running links with: Now THIS would be reality TV
» Voice of the Taciturn links with: Guest E-Ring Review
» The Stupid Shall Be Punished links with: Sub-Themed TV Show Idea