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October 09, 2005

Maybe you'd better wait...

...until after church. I finally found my collection of quotes from the good ol' days of spontaneous TV, long before the bleep button and three-second delays became standard network issue in the control room.

Heh--the original Prime Time Castle Comment Party. Hollywood Squares.

Here, PG-17C! Here, boy! Goooood construct. Just look what I've got for ya in this wall locker...that's it, climb right in and

*slam!*

You guys know the drill by now. See Extended Post/Flash Traffic.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: For 400 dollars and the championship...Spiro Agnew was in the infantry during World War Two. Was he decorated?
A: Wally Cox: He looked really pretty in the puka shells but they made him take them off...

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body—what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver—that's why they asked the question.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
A: Paul Lynde: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
A: Charley Weaver: Not drinking.

Q: You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
A: Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride.

Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Q: Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four.

Q: True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
A: Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for the sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Where can I get some?

Q: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
A: Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Q: There are two things a woman should expect from her husband. One is fidelity, what is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Infidelity.

Q: Was Snow White a brunette or a blonde?
A: Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knew for sure.

Q: Paul, according to Masters and Johnson, what's the first thing most women do immediately after sex?
A: Paul Lynde: Wake up.

Q: We all know that men have female hormones in their bodies...but does a woman have male hormones in her body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally

Q: You've heard of the phrase "A pig in a poke"...what's a "poke"?
A: Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Q: According to experts, the worst time for sex is right after...what?
A: Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Q: According to experts, is it ever okay to use a vacuum cleaner on your dog?
A: Paul Lynde: I think it's better to walk him.

Q: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
A: Paul Lynde: Oh, about half

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.