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August 21, 2005

Supporting the Military... Part 1

Part 1. How to Support the Military, if what you want to do is *not* support the Military... and, indeed, wrap up a whole buncha stuff ya wanna castigate in one, neat little package.

I'm a San Francisco City Supervisor. I want to demonstrate my support for the military.

Hmmm. Where to start, where to start, where to start?

Okay. I know! I know!

Let's start here. We'll say "no" to docking the USS Iowa as a museum and memorial.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., a former San Francisco mayor, helped secure $3 million to tow the Iowa from Rhode Island to the Bay Area in 2001 in hopes of making touristy Fisherman's Wharf its new home.

But city supervisors voted 8-3 last month to oppose taking in the ship, citing local opposition to the Iraq war and the military's stance on gays, among other things.

"If I was going to commit any kind of money in recognition of war, then it should be toward peace, given what our war is in Iraq right now," Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi said.

Feinstein called it a "very petty decision."

"This isn't the San Francisco that I've known and loved and grew up in and was born in," Feinstein said.

San Francisco's maritime museum already has one military vessel _ the USS Pampanito, an attack submarine that sank six Japanese ships during World War II and has about 110,000 visitors a year.

See! See! Fooey on you military guyz! *That's* how I support the military! I don't! Neener neener neener! Wow! I'm gonna dine out on this for *months!*

Snerk. Twits with no vision, I say. So wrapped up in short-term thinking and their own predjudices, they can't think outside the box, and instead, give us the same tired old refrain, over and over again. So do the Rolling Stones, but at least they're entertaining.

Heh. Why wouldn't they want the Iowa?

Good lord, I'd have thought they'd have *jumped* at the chance to have the Iowa. For *exactly* the reasons they cited they *didn't* want it!

They could have turned it into a huge, pink/rainbow colored floating museum castigating war, rumors of war, and homophobia! All with an artifact wrapped in gauzy remembrances of same.

Good lord, Dudes, you are *not* strategic thinkers! Drop me a line, the firm I work for specializes in that kind of stuff.

Oh, wait. Never mind. We *also* do work for the military, so, nah. We are a very progressive firm on Rainbow issues, however. We managed to reconcile the two, which you guys can't. Snerk.

Anyway -

You could have shown how the diversion of the immense amount of resources to build the ship affected impoverished children starving in Appalachia! And probably was responsible for the famine in Biafra in the 70's - and that probably led to the rise of Islamofacism!

Hey, c'mon, you don't need any real causal link - it just has to seem possible, and show right wing politics and economics in a Bad Light®, right?

You could have shown how it was used to kill poor Japanese soldiers who were merely responding to America's economic tyranny, forcing them to go to war for natural resources. Not to mention that when those rounds landed, they damaged the ecosystem and Disturbed Small Critters®! All the Japanese wanted was some wood, rubber, and coal - and here we forced them to conquer half of Asia for it - when if we had only properly embraced gov't funded mass transportation, we wouldn't have needed all that rubber and petroleum... which the Japanese could have had. And then the timber! Why, if we all lived in nice, enviro-friendly arcologies, we wouldn't have had that wasteful sprawl, either (more on that later!). And if we hadn't fought the Japanese, well, we wouldn't have made The Bomb®, either, right?

Bad enough the Iowa was used to kill those poor Japanese! At least they were capitalist pigs themselves, only worthy of support when we can Bash America®!

But then, *then!*, the Iowa was used to kill North Korean peasants and their Chinese brothers, Good Communist Peasants® all, who were simply trying to shine the bright light of Maoism to those poor, benighted, *gasp* capitalist-running-dogs of South Koreans, Lickspittle Sidekicks® of the American Hegemonists®! Heck, if the Iowa was a good ship, she'd have turned her guns on them! And those bassid 'Muricans in there with 'em!

Thankfully, this horrible machine of evil didn't hurt any of Uncle Ho's® children, but that shouldn't have stopped you guys from devoting some berthing space to how horrible we were in Vietnam - besides, some other Iowa-class BB's *did* shoot at Uncle Ho's® kids, so yer kewl there, too!

And then, you can highlight how the Iowa was used (the horror!) in Desert Storm - and this is a beaut - and therefore was responsible for Operation Iraqi Freedom - which we hateses, we does - so the ship is in fact the root of all that is Eeeeevilllll in the world, and it was The Chimp's® father who sent it there! And we hateses the Bush we does! Hateses it!

But wait! There's more!

You can do the whole Turret Fire thing. You can spin it as Gaia's Revenge®! Karmic Balance®! The ship *knew* she was being used for Eeevviiiillllll and tried to take herself out. And this is the Piéce de Resistance! You can slam the Navy for shoddy investigation, and the a$$-covering framing of an Innocent Man®, and they did it with a disgusting display of homophobia, by spinning the tale that Gunner's Mate Hartwig* killed himself and 46 others because he was broken-up over a Failed Gay Relationship®!


But wait! There's More!

C'mon, admit it - you guys really really really despise us Red Staters and hell, even Blues in the Flyover. Face it, If You Ain't Coastal, You Ain't Hip®! You can use one of the mess facilities on board for exhibits that show how Iowa, and other states like it, should be depopulated and allowed to Return to Nature®, with African Wildlife Reserves established, so that the Great Plains can become The World Zoo, and, following the instructions of the Sainted Native American® (oops, well, not exactly Native American®) Ward Churchill, only Native Americans (and select, properly screened Blue People®, of course) to occupy the land. But - even better - you'll keep the states as states, but now, only populated by Blue State Approved People®, you will *own* the Senate! And we inconvenient Red Staters can reopen Manzanar (as the Donella Meadows Arcology and Education Center - ooo, a double-entendre even!) and be bused in to clean houses and stuff while we get re-educated. And you can sneak in stuff about why Manzanar for Japanese Americans was Bad®, but under your administration would be Good®!

Hmmm. I guess I'm glad you guys have no Vision® after all.

Besides, the Bay Area already has the USS Hornet and USS Pampanito, which vessel you have seem before as the USS Stingray.

However, if you'd like to help the Veterans of the Iowa keep the ship in San Francisco (they seem a little miffed about Stockton), go visit them here!

*The author intends no disrespect to Gunners Mate Hartwig or his 46 comrades who died in the fire on the Iowa. Sometimes satire gets rough to make a point.

John | Permalink | Comments (15) | Observations on things Military | Politics | Pugnacious Stupidity
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