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July 15, 2005

A Public Service Announcement

Today's topic in our continuing (okay, so there *was* a li'l break in continuity between the last post and this one) series of Adult Education classes will focus on Interpersonal Relationships, the whole Mars-Venus thang.

Gentlemen, take your seats, please, while I endeavor to enlighten you with regards to the simple things which will teach you

How to Please a Woman (Almost) Every Time

You’ve gotta accept, acknowledge, acquiesce, allay, attend, calm, charm, cherish, clothe, coax, complement, compliment, console, correspond, defend, feed, flirt, hear, help, humor, indulge, oblige, phone, protect, respect, salve, savor, serenade, serve, spoil, support, tease, toast, trust, understand, upgrade and worship at her feet.

Then accessorize, angelicize, empathize, energize, gelatinize, idolize, moisturize, rationalize, romanticize, sockdolagize, and tantalize; caress, coddle, cuddle, embrace, hug, massage, mush, nuzzle, smooch, snoozle, snuggle, snurfle, squeeze and stroke; detoxify, drip-dry, flip-flop-fly (don’t care if I die), gratify, humidify, pacify and sanctify; alleviate, anticipate, communicate, elevate, enervate, fascinate, ingratiate, lubricate, make-a-date (and take her places, don’t cha look at other faces), placate, resuscitate, stimulate, sublimate, ululate and undulate.

And climb, drag, jitterbug, locomote, lug, swim ‘n’ swing; bite-taste-nibble slam-dunk and dribble; brag about, commit-to, dream-of, flash-on her fashion, forgive ‘n’ forget, leave ‘n’ return, make-plans-with, minister-to and promise- ‘n’ deliver-to; bawl, beg (borrow and steal), beseech, cajole, crawl, grovel, implore, murmur, pine, plead-and-sacrifice-for; bathe, fluff, fold, pamper and praise; pink-coral-wax, butter-up the buttercup, brush, fizz, fuse, fuss, jiffy-lube, knead, lather, polish, relish, rib, rub, shave, shower, slip, slide, slather, slicken, soak and tingle.

And kill-for, die-for and fix-things-up-for; crazy-glue, repair, patch, solder, spackle and spot-weld; amaze, amuse, dazzle, delight, enchant, entertain, excite, flabbergast, woo and wow; crystal-blue-persuade, diddle-doodle, hanky-panky, hinky-dinky (parlez-vous?), hokey-pokey, mollycoddle-spin-the-bottle, agree with everything she has ever thought, said or done and scuttle like a fiddler crab across the vast ocean floor of her existence.

Then you go back, Jack, and do it again (wheels turning ‘round and ‘round)…

Gentlemen, you are released! Hey--no running with that pencil in yer mouth! Ahem. *thought balloon: now, where was I?*

Your turn, Ladies. Prepare to discover

How to Please a Man Every Single Time

Show up nekkid.