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April 25, 2005

Midnight maundering

I just got a letter from one of my RVN buds who now lives in Burlington (yup--there are conservatives in Vermont. I know both of them). He sez:

I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I have never figured out the whole “Venus and Mars” thing. And I have never figured out why men think with their heads and women with their hearts.

For example: one evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "Huh? What was that?" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am, and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day, I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at [insert name of large unnamed department store]. I walked around with her while she tried on several different (and very expensive) outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her, “We'll just buy them all.”

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Just get a pair for each outfit.”

We went onto the jewelry department, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was excited, even though she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet -- she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was definitely excited. She finally said, "I think this is all, dear. Let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank. Her jaw dropped and she said, “Huh? "WHAT?!?"

I said, "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she started to look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am, and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight, either…

And, for having had the unmitigated temerity to laugh my fool head off when I read it, neither am I...

CW4BillT | Permalink | Comments (47) | I think it's funny!
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