I appoint Kat (if she'll take the job) as Castle Philosopher and Powerpoint Ranger.
She may be a whip-wielding Kitty in a party, or an Avatar of Zena (sic) Warrior Princess, but on her blog, she's a sharp cookie. She's a sharp cookie at a Party, too - and I *can't* wait for a *Duel Entendre* between her and Bill the Rotorhead!
Anyway - see here for an example. Libertine vs. Liberal.
It also explains her "All soldiers Must Wear A Helmet" comment in the snarkfest that was JustThisGuy's Birthday party yesterday. Extra credit if you wade through that thread, read Kat's linked post, and connect the dots.
Update: CAPT H's spluttering about the Staff-to-Troop ratio around the Castle is worth yanking up from the Comments. Personally, I think John is just concerned that he's got competition... but this is *still* a pretty flat organization.
(Mutter) Another Staff Wog! (Mutter)August 1812
FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON
TO THE HORSE GUARDS, LONDON
from Central Spain
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance;
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
Cheers
JMH
Sir -- I will incorporate the latest roster changes asap!
Ahh - you probably need to re-post the General Order regarding the, ahh, Natal day information. I regret to inform you that several of the Denizens have failed to comply, Sir!
As ALL of the Ladies of the Castle are sharp cookies, she is a welcome addition to the Company, and her participation in Castle shenangins will be most welcome!
(Mutter) Another Staff Wog! (Mutter)
August 1812
FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON
TO THE HORSE GUARDS, LONDON
from Central Spain
Gentlemen,
Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are at war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance;
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
Cheers
JMH
Thanks for the link John.
JMH...that was hysterical.
Reminds me of Heartbreak Ridge. The soldiers eternal plaint.
Yes, but Kat - do you *accept* the appointment?
Heh! That is a completely appropriate thing for me to modify and turn over to my current leaders, who seem intent on making us all into receptionists...
Creative repurposing is my motto. Thanks for the really funny seed material!!!
SangerM
My apologies for missing the implicit question.
The answer is "yes" I accept the position. I've always wanted to be a Powerpoint Ranger and, if you listen(or read) long enough, I'm sure I could convince you I think I know what I'm talking about even if you don't think I know what I'm talking about.
At least, I can type in a circular pattern that makes you read it over and over again until you're convinced there is a deep philosphical meaning and you decided that in defense of your sanity.
LOL
*standing at attention saluting*Sir, thank you, sir! I will do my best to live up to the expectations of the castle and support my fellow denizens in all their endeavors.
Err...maybe not all of them, but as many as I am mentally and physically able to do.
Only a few questions, sir. Where do I get some of those nifty Power Point Ranger Gauntlets and do I have to wear a toga?
Oooh! Glad you asked that! Uniforms are wearer-specific and reflect your taste. I do a nice Penzance-style.
Punctilious, for some reason, has lots of pink trim.
Fuzzybear Lioness, Were-Kitty, and Cricket(!) do body paint. That's it. Body paint.
If you *want* to wear a toga to get that proper philosopher look, you can.
Or cut-offs.
Or, see the girls, and have a toga painted on.
Just don't forget the portable TV fuzzer-thingy if you go with that option!
*looks up from clipboard*
Boy oh boy, Kat, do I have a list for you...
Well...I know where a decent surplus shop is in town. Maybe they carry powerpoint ranger gauntlets?
Sgt B...just remember that overwhelming new recruits on the second day could lead to insanity. Although, it might help me fit in here. Insanity that is. Though, I'm sure that I could lend to that without much assistance.
What do you wish to have philosophized? The meaning of life? The meaning of whoopie doozles or bedlewhoopies or whatever?
Or, do you need a power point that instructs the denizens on the proper disposal of unexploded ordinance?
Name your poison.
I think I'll leave the toga thing until later this summer when I've gained a tan.
Oooh, we hate unexploded laws and regulations. But leave the unexploded Ordnance alone! I have JTG inert it and we add it to the collection!
Hmmm. We *could* test her by assigning her the Castle Beastiary that no one has volunteered for...
And I am *terribly* disappointed that no one has taken up the "Soldiers in Helmets" challenge.
Pansies.
JMH + Great contribution to this post. Beancounters have always thrived at the expense of those on the operational side of the equation since time inmemorial.
Yeah, give her the Bestiary! And tell her she has to come up with *pictures* for each one! PowerPoint, after all. (And much more subtle than sending her off for a box of grid squares ...)
What do you wish to have philosophized? The meaning of life? - kat-missouri
Don't talk to me about life. The last computer I explained my theories of life to commited suicide.
[tosses machete and Indy Jones hat into corner] Phew... OK, John I'm back from the 420-post birthday bash. I dunno if this is what you were incinerating about Kat's post- but it sure sounded to me like the lecture we all got in Boot about the dangers of 'working girls', and the recommended 'precaution' needed if one got weak and indulged... but I recall Trojans (rather than Romans) being mentioned.
The Beastiary! Yes yes!
Overwhelming new recruits? *evil grin at memories of Parris Island Marine Recruit Depot* Why, dear, I don't know what you mean...
That's what I get for volunteering. Beastiary?
what in the helk is that?
However, if you want me to come up with pictures of the denizens who belong in the beastiary, i think i could do that.
Yes, all good soldiers of any military in history were equipped with some kind of body armor and helmet. The extra protection of shields were sometimes warranted. The best soldiers of the phalanx had the longest spears and wielded them well.
Many a foe went down before them.
Ah, we have our Female Bill!
well sheesh- if they 'go down before you' you don't really need a um... uh, what were we talking about?
Have Jtg inert it? Well, I do have some "splinter skills" (buffs fingernails on vest and blows on them) but we can't always count on them, so y'all are hereby advised to stand well back, behind nice, thick, solid cover, when I play with Sprengstoff!
Prior to the battles, the soldiers would often polish their armor until they gleamed brilliantly. This was meant to strike fear into the adversary. Their glistening helmets could be seen bobbing to the beat of their gliding march to victory.
They marched in lines and the soldiers knew, if they faltered, there was always another soldier behind them to take their place.
sometimes the soldiers would march to a beating drum or a blown horn. Letting them know if they should be coming or going on the battle field.
Well trained soldiers knew when to advance and when to retreat depending on the beat or the tune played on the horn.
Hey Bill - Are you sure them scruples won't mind if K-MO hoses down their warren once in a while? They've been a bit possesive of you, lately.
...now Kat- they can either 'bob' or they can 'glide'... from personal experience, bobbing is more likely. Kinda hard to glide with all that stuff strapped to ya... heh
ps- I always advanced when the beat was disco or rock... and I knew Dam' well there was another soldier to take my place if I faltered- long spear or not! ...and I did occasionally experience a 'blown horn', but that's another story...
And just when I had thought we had hit bottom LAST night...
*thinking to self: Hmmm... That was probably a poor choice of words*
[bows in chivalrous manner, sweeps cloak] Ahhh, Lioness, my tawny love... your sparkling beauty overwhelms me- as always, I am but a slave to your desires. Command me, mon cher... only keep in mind [drops to knee], I am inexperienced in the ways of women- deal gently with me....
Is it ever thick in here. The scruples warren isn't the only thing that needs to be hosed down.
Punct, I think there's nothing anybody can do about it. When yer a little kid, your life is controlled by a woman (your Mother). Later, you grow to man's estate, go out into the world, and do great deeds etc etc and so forth. Then you get old, and women get to tell you what to do, again. One can only hope that the women who tell you what to do are *nice* women.
...and appears the lithe Punc, showering love and goodness; and, yea- verily, snarkiness...
hehehe
Jtg- 'clink'- there's a nickel in yer cup, old boy- thanks for yer life story, hehehe
Me? Snarky? Never say.
Bye the bye JTG, you may have grown to a man's estate, but the only way I'm gettin' one is in the will.
Oh, though there have been a coupla pretend-scruples posting from Chief Bill's email addy, I suspect that to be fraudulent. He's obviously a boy-human, and would not stoop to such a low form of humor, even if he is from New Jersey.
I like the Marvin posts, from Marvin@Paranoid Android.org heh
Huh? Bill... Pretend scruples?... Next you'll be telling me that Bedoodlewhoopies don't look like chickens.
[picking teeth] They sure taste like chicken..
Oh man, yer making me feel the diode pain! I do have a Genuine People Personality, ya know!
What is this people personality thing?
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... [thanks Fred] delicious
ooooooooh... gotta go- bye, guys...
I don't want to be here when John sees that.
Yer right - I grew up with Rotties; a couple times a year, I had to keep my hose at the ready, so as to break-up the frisky tension amongst them critters.
I'll go down to the Moat and prime the 4" Assault Hoseline Pump Assy: NSN 4320-01-092-3551.
But will it reach?
OK, ya got my attention, there. I want to get a reasonably non-drunken good night's sleep, anyway, and that pump site gives me shudders, somehow. Nite, all.
Says the man who just wanted some guy talk yesterday!
Ya'll better behave, for I have the 'ol portable blower primed-up and ready to belch 3,500GPM's
Chocolate?
Sure - it worked wonders for WillyWonka.
OOMPAHLOOMPAH
Got the glass elevator stashed anyplace? I wouldn't have to squint at the floor numbers in that baby. I could just look out and see if the geezers were loose.
WARNING-WARNING-WARNING.
Do NOT eat the Castle Critters.
Do NOT.
There is plenty of food in the larder.
Eating Castle Critters will result in Severe Sanction.
That is all.
Didn't do it! Go look for Neffi. I got my CSI DNA kit for Christmas. We can look for a match!
I am inexperienced in the ways of women- deal gently with me....--Neffi
*giggle, snort, uproarious laughter*
Neffi, I'm sorry I didn't respond to you earlier. It took me quite awhile to recover from that stunning comment.
*more giggling*
You think I forgot about your closet of toys? Or maybe your comment about their belonging to John is TRUE. And, the Castle Rogue image you have so carefully cultivated is actually the facade of an aging virgin. Hmmm... Choices, choices... ;)
I have to say, I do prefer a man with experience... ;)
Neffi runs off before I can explain how soldiers should be able to glide, bob AND weave in order produce the necessary results against the adversary.
No offense, but some of the bedoodlewoopies are starting to smell like the pig farm down the street. I'm not certain I'd want to eat one. Besides, cleaning feathers is so annoying. Too many small bones as well. Very dangerous with that blowfish thingy they do.
WillyWonka always gave me the creeps with those oompa guys. I never wanted to watch it when I was a kid.
Oh...neffi so gave himself away with that "disco" commentary. After eating the bedoodlewoopie, I will now break into a song for neffi...
*singing* First I was afraid...
I was petrified
Thinking I could never live without you by my side
Ohhhh, I get it now... It was a typo, Neffi. You meant to say, I'm inept in the ways of women.
Is this perhaps a better likeness of our neffi?
(Scroll down to second picture) And what, pray tell is in his bowl?
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
But now your back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me!
Ooo, that's gonna leave some marks, Kat & Punctilious! I almost feel sorry for him. Have fun (You go, girls!), but I'm too soft-hearted for for this kind of combat.
Goodnight, all! :)
I believe that is bedoodlewoopie in his bowl.
Caught in the act.
That's it; I'm revvin' the Blower.
NO - WE DON'T BITE OUR KITTY - NO
As long as it isn't Fred.
No biting the kitty? she's gonna be disappointed.
Looking at Lioness. Checking the Chastity Belt SWWBO installed. Whew! Safe
I believe Boq was referring to the castle rules about not consuming the pets and not a reference to denizen behavior best left in the side rooms.
hmpf. no biting the Kitty....who made up THAT rule???
hmpf.
Punc - yes. Gimme that bowl.
Kitten, anyone you want can nibble whatever you want, but only over in the rooms set aside for that. You know the Rulez!
Punc - check this, please. If that's bedoodlewhoopie, Neffi's moving his shite to the Outhouse at the End of the Universe. Which is just over there, next to the moat.
The really smelly, nasty part of the moat, by the cloaca.
Helk, he may move *into* the Cloaca.
heh. I was my 10,000th commenter. I shoulda been keeping track - I was hoping it would be onna you guys!
Rigged the game to keep the prize for yourself eh?
But first I have to get a small sample....
No, just wasn't paying attention.
your own 10000th?
Wow John....you really get around...
*flicks john with fluffy tail on way to jungle room since biting is not only allowed, but encouraged there*
skips away...la la la la la.....
*Shuffles through confetti and balloons looking for Bedoodlewhoopie*
*jumps back into room*
Guys!
Did you know Smash's wife got thrown from her horse the other day and is in the hospital? Lower back and pelvis injury- stop by and wish her a speedy recovery will ya?
Hmmm - who is the Were-Kitten going to bite in the jungle room, one might ask??
10,000 comments, eh? Pretty kewl, John!
Good night all.
Thanks, Were-Kitten -- will do!
Re: Mrs. Smash - I can verify that for human-liking herbivores, horses are dangerous! Our equine Petey has broken my father's ribs, SWWBOs ribs, and Andy's Pride. Since SWWBO hasn't let me ride him since the day we bought him, he ain't had a chance to break me!
Even nice ones can do damage - a friend once had his horse idly step onto his foot, breaking it *ouch*.
My Mom broke her back twice, it is not fun, and there is little you can do for it. My heart goes out to her, and to Smash.
Neffi, you don't have to pretend to like me. Even I don't like me. Damn that Syrius Cybernetics and their Genuine People Personality.
And I told you horses are nasty buggers didn't I. Brain the size of a planet, but no one ever thinks to ask Marvin. I'm just a tin bucket with pain in all the diodes down my left side. I might as well just sit here and rust.
John - Just an FYI
My net connection is tweaked, no email, only cache got me to this post/comments. Something appears to be screwed up in the DNS for Comcast (my ISP).
Barb,
My understanding is that some yahoo dug-up a Optical Cable Trunkline in NJ. Thus, there's chaos all throughout the Mid Atlantic Web Service.
Maybe we can sic Bill on it and have this element from the shallow end of the Gene Pool punished.
It's hard to put all of the root DNS servers out of commission at once, though. I can't even get Yahoo or Msn to resolve to an IP.
But we could sic Bill and/or the GA squad on the misfit, anyhow!!
Yeah it's touch and go on my side. It shouldn't be hard to vector in Bill on that miscreant's backhoe.
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