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April 01, 2005

My Resumé, Part Deux

Well, no nibbles at all on the resumé I posted a few days ago. Perhaps a little reverse psychology is in order...

I am a sedentary figure, often profiled on Animal Planet scuffling with voles and chipmunks over stray sunflower seeds. I have been known to observe nearby train stations on my lunch breaks, which can last up to a week, counting the number of commuters still wearing khaki after Labor Day. I create new ethnic slurs for use by both the KKK and the Black Muslims, I write in pidgin English and I am totally clueless about the meaning of the word “efficiency.” Occasionally, I will soak in the tub for 72 hours in order to provide current immersion data for AARP and Ted Kennedy.

Women gag over my Michael Bolton imitation. I can pedal bicycles down 5% slopes without falling off (most of the time) and it takes me half-an-hour to cook Minute Rice. I am an expert in procrastination, a master of manipulation and an honorary drug lord in Colombia.

Using only a hoe and a two-quart canteen of diazonon, I once single-handedly wiped out a small anthill in my back yard.

I play classical harmonica. I was scouted by the IRS and I am the subject of numerous soap opera plots. I can occasionally write my way out of a paper bag, if you leave one end open. When I get bored, I build full-scale models of Mister MacGregor’s garden out of oatmeal.

I enjoy spray painting illiterate but ornate gang signs on church walls. On Wednesdays, after collecting my unemployment check, I sneak into people’s kitchens and pour maple syrup into their electrical appliances. Hustler magazine once published my collection of obscene Jell-O molds—and bounced their royalty check. I drool incessantly. I am a private citizen, yet I receive e-Spam. I have been caller number nine and haven’t won diddley-squat. One evening, I tried to solve a crossword puzzle, but all the spaces had more than four letters.

Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling body-piercing demonstration.

I keep bats. My basement is a Super Fund site. Girls beat me at chess, but I’m too chicken to punch them out because they may have guns. Guns scare me. When I was in Basic, I couldn’t even zero a Super-Squirter. I have a complete collection of 1980—1990 Sports Illustrated…except for the Swimsuit editions.

Children throw rocks at me. Seagulls fly miles out of their way to see if I’ve washed my car. Horses bite me.

I can hurl a five-pound sledgehammer at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Divine Comedy, War and Peace and The Gulag Archipelago in a single day and still had time to renovate my dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in Home Depot. I have performed several covert operations in Central Asia for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep seated on a ladderback chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of misoriented Basque separatists who had seized a small boulangerie.

Oh, hell—I dozed off and forgot to change that last paragraph…keep reading…

When I flip off another driver, it usually turns out to be a cop or one of my ex-wives. I can successfully turn on a computer 60% of the time; the other 60% of the time, I either crash or format the hard drive. I eat Spam right out of the can. With peanut butter. Hot, melted peanut butter… I breed roaches the size of retrievers. I have won spitball fights in Arkansas, drooling competitions in Kings Park and spelling bees on Romper Room—last week. I can beat up PeeWee Herman if I can sneak up on him from behind…in a movie theater…in the dark…

Just don’t send me back to Bosnia as a highly-paid contract pilot. I’d probably overfly three sensitive border areas and start an international incident, which would lead to military escalation, which would lead to a massive troop and equipment buildup, which would lead to a gigantic increase in the Defense budget, apoplectic seizures in Hillary and Teddy the K and the implosion of the Mainstream Media—and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?

How, how can you boast so callously of murdering Gaia's children? Those ants were as much a part of the Circle of Life as you! No wonder horses bite you, violating their sacred vows of shunning meat. If I was a horse I would bite you myself.

Blessed Be,
WiccaPundit

WHOA! Where'd that come from? And who is [*Gm chord*] --gasp--WiccaPundit?

Comments on My Resumé, Part Deux
J.M. Heinrichs briefed on April 1, 2005 12:03 PM

Still a bit too flowery; a little too much self on display, narcissis or philandry?

Cheers
JMH

Cricket briefed on April 1, 2005 12:08 PM

Does the procrastination have a purpose other than to keep you from doing anything?

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 12:13 PM

Sorry I'm late...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 12:15 PM

JMH - Had to take up space somehow. Self-snarking appears to do the trick.

Cheers,

WST

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 12:26 PM

So does the S in WST stand for Snark ?

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 12:48 PM

"Stanley."

I'm named for two of my dad's squadronmates that never made it home from the Pacific.

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 12:54 PM

... Stan and Lee? heh

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 01:09 PM

He makes more.

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 01:10 PM

Money. And sense. Except for ish #1 of the Hulk, when the printer blew the green ink and turned the critter grey.

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 01:24 PM

Bill,
You crack me up....you really do.

ROFLMA

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 01:24 PM

heh ROFLMAO...laughing my a*s OFF....hehe

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 01:29 PM

Aaaacckkk! Not in the marshmallows!

John of Argghhhh!!! briefed on April 1, 2005 01:45 PM

Shite! We have *more* kitty cabooses laying around here... sheesh!

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 02:05 PM

Still missing the main train, though...

[*glancing hurriedly over both shoulders, then peering suspiciously at chandelier*]

Fuzzybear Lioness briefed on April 1, 2005 02:40 PM

*Bill heads for the door and forgets to keep looking over his shoulder...*

*moving with deadly silence, a lean shape (definitely not train-size) flies through the air from the chandelier he DIDN'T check...*

*Whap! WHAP! Kick!*

Like I'd EVER stoop to hiding behind furniture!! I have more dignity than that! *Flounce*

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 02:48 PM

Interesting, Bill! Give you 3 guesses what my name was before the Hubster changed it for me...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 02:49 PM

[*peering around*][*scratching head in bewilderment*]

Hmmmmf. Could've sworn I heard FbL snarking when that wind gust went through here...

[*shrugs*]

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 02:52 PM

Barb - If you say "Stanley" I'm gonna go bang my head against the wall. Or let FbL do it, if she ever shows.

Ooop--haven't checked *that* chandelier...

Zaphod Beeblebrox briefed on April 1, 2005 03:02 PM

...and I thought only the un-hip could have their bum fall off.

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 03:13 PM

OK, I won't say it.
But my initials, now BEW, were BES. Which also happen to be the initials of my brother and sister, and not by accident!

...watches closely to see whether the angels will reach Bill in time once again...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 03:53 PM

[*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*]

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 04:00 PM

DangIt! Where were the angels???
Whaddya mean he's not protected against self-damage by head-banging?

Carborundum briefed on April 1, 2005 04:01 PM

*pant* *flapflap*
Allright, where is the little [beep]. Ah, [beepbeepbeep]. Late again. Why do you do this? Why? You KNOW this goes in my file!

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 04:12 PM

[*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*][*thud*]

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 04:17 PM

Carborundum, grab hold of his other arm, help me drag him away from the doggone wall!

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 04:25 PM

C'mon, Bill ... I didn't actually say the "S" word. Snap out of it!

Carborundum briefed on April 1, 2005 04:25 PM

Thank you, ma'am, but I think I'd better get the rest of the squad to handle this.

BACKUP! Dammit, Malodorus, you aren't fooling anybody hiding behind that palm tree. Come on guys, nobody's even shooting at him! This one's easy!

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 05:11 PM

[*blink*] What's all the racket? And where were you guys when I *needed* help resolving the weave in the tapestry? Thing's too *fragile* for fingers...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 05:20 PM

Aaaaah, what a day. 'Fraid I got a bit drunk... and rode the old Harley out to the airport (I gotta work on them brakes!) and then spent arf an hour practicing dead-stick landings on moving semi-trailers out on I-25. Flew back blindfolded, just for the heck of it and landed down-wind, with a Centurian on final coming in the other way. Thanks for the loan of the Gulf-Alphas, Chief, you can have 'em back now...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 05:30 PM

[*grin*] They needed the exercise. Otherwise they molt all over the furniture and get cranky, then drag me weird places just so they can rescue me...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 05:55 PM

Hmmm the military must be getting slack, if you gotta rely on something else to drag you to weird, dangerous places...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 06:20 PM

Yeah, but they guarantee to bring me back...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 06:25 PM

Yeah? Quiz 'em about their previous assignments, and why they were re-assigned...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 06:27 PM

Classified. Need-to-know-only. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Your mileage may vary. Mum's the word and Jack's yer uncle.

Carborundum briefed on April 1, 2005 06:32 PM

Two words. "Punishment Detail".

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 06:34 PM

Yours or mine?

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 06:42 PM

Perhaps assignment to the 'Tuttle Squad' is a final passing-out exercise for the training battalion; like getting chucked into the deep end. And passing out gets you washed...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 06:47 PM

Tuttle Squad aka "Chiefies Angels"

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 06:50 PM

Ooog. I'm afraid you're gonna cast the players, now, aren'tcha?

Depending on how this works out, I may go back to pounding the tapestry...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 07:13 PM

'pounding the tapestry'... you need to get a girlfriend, Chief... hehe

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 07:26 PM

*sigh* Back up a couple of hours in the thread.

And don't say ... you need to get a girlfriend, Chief... hehe so loud next time, or the Ya-Ya BlogSisterhood will be on me like dots on dice...

Right.

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 07:31 PM

Did I hear somebody say that the Chief needs a girlfriend? But he's already got us, what else could he possibly want??

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 07:41 PM

[*ducking*] Your straight line, MAWK--jump on it.

Fuzzybear Lioness briefed on April 1, 2005 07:54 PM

Okay, let's get this part off the ground! Where's the drinks? Somebody pour me a Cosmpolitan.

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:01 PM

well, I dunno, Barb- perhaps Chief needs his chin bubble 'polished'... or his collective lever 'yanked'... maybe his swash-plate 'swashed'... a bit more 'tail' in his rotor... a touch more 'head' in his HUD...
[throws wide open the door to the YaYas...]
Sorry Chief, I'll buy ya a beer someday

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:07 PM

hmmm Lioness, m' dear.. the Y and O keys are sticking on yer keyboard... have a gon and tinic instead ;)

Fuzzybear Lioness briefed on April 1, 2005 08:12 PM

Thanks for the drink, Neffi. Make it two (I'll ignore the snark--aren't I gracious?).

Long time no see... *Purrrr*

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:23 PM

FbL! Welcome back! JAKE--the lady needs a refill!

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:23 PM

[sweeps crimson cloak in gentlemanly gesture] My pleasure... a double it is (hehe- drink up, darlin') I've missed the tawny texture of your glossy coat, the luxurious sheen of your sleek whiskers, the frisky flick of your tufted tail... sigh. SO- behind the red sofa, eh? Yer busted- better find a new hidey-hole, Sweets [strokes mustache]

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:44 PM

Barb - he needs fewer girlfriends with husbands and ones closer to NJ!

I dunno - I'm just catching up around here and it looks like Bill and Neffi and been... *dancing*

Mebbe it ain't girls these two need...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:50 PM

WELL! [swishes hand] John is being such a b*tch tonight...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:51 PM

Your right, John. We need--WOMEN!!!

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:51 PM

Well, I know, from DNA evidence behind the couch, *you* at least swing both ways...

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:52 PM

[the last post in a high falsetto, natch ;)]

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:53 PM

Wondered why the bedoodlewhoopies have been so skittish...

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:54 PM

*Looks around* Hmmm. This place does look a bit Mars-ish, doesn't it?

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:55 PM

Every placed looks cratered, to a cannon jockey

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:55 PM

And the comments are coming fast and furious and everybody's at least two comments behind...looks like we got us a CHAT ROOM!

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:56 PM

The sight of Neffi's bum doing the bouncy-bouncy does that to people. The security cam footage in the DC3 confirms that!

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 08:57 PM

Hey! I've got copyright on that film...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:57 PM

...and the only thing missing is the 'motie-cons, fyunch(click) ;P

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:58 PM

Yeah, and *cratered* is a pretty good description of Neffi's bum!

To me, it just looks like the Air Force has been by...

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:59 PM

John scores with a snark to the butt! Neffi counters with an obscure treadhead meme...

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 08:59 PM

And a chat room full of three middle-aged guys. How *sad* is this? I've at least got a real live nekkid chick next to me at the keyboard!

Oops. Did the unfreezing process cause me to not realize my inner dialogue is no longer... inner?

No, if and of the Kittens show up the should be able to run with that one!

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 08:59 PM

Neffi, wake up--yer on.

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 09:01 PM

Those craters are nail-digs, John. Sophia, Anglelina, Catherine, Oprah, the cast of Desperate Housewives... the list goes on

cw4billt briefed on April 1, 2005 09:02 PM

"No, if and of the"

John's head just hit the keyboard! MEDIC!!

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 09:03 PM

*Enhance images*

Nah. Just exploded ingrown hairs.

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 09:04 PM

*looks at glass*

Hmmm. Guess I need one of BCR's soberuppers.

Barb briefed on April 1, 2005 09:04 PM

*snicker* And they say WE don't let them get a word in edgewise -- HAH!

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 09:05 PM

...I've never 'touched' a hare in my life!! Honest... um the PETA people are just being vindictive!

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 09:07 PM

Barb - type or die. Well known Foreign Legion Staff Motto.

Neffi briefed on April 1, 2005 09:10 PM

Barb- seems the YaYas are taking a breather- s'matter, gals- the topic too intellekshul for ya?

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 09:35 PM

*appears in a dramatic puff of purple smoke*

Howdy Bill...
Heard you're lookin' for a WOMAN....

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 09:37 PM

John-
Looks like you've already got a live nekkid blogbabe at your side....nice, um....seat, SWWBO.

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 09:37 PM

'Bout time! Um, one of 'em, is, um, *loose* WK. Back in the holder before Bill swoons!

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 1, 2005 09:39 PM

Yeah, it's why I'm not *quite* as desperate-sounding as Neffi and Bill.

And the way they sound may be why Barb isn't here any more...

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 09:39 PM

OOoops!

Sorry for the wardrobe malfunction *tucks appendage back into..green body paint bucket?*

Were-Kitten briefed on April 1, 2005 09:44 PM

Where is Neffi, anyway...

Did you let him into the bar again? You know how he gets on vodka!

sigh....

This time YOU have to get my French Cuts back from him- he never gave them back to me last time! I had to go commando the whole day! *pout*
Good thing it wasn't Dress Blues day....you know, 'cause those skirts get so dag gum cold without skivvies.

J.M. Heinrichs briefed on April 2, 2005 12:29 AM

Were-Kitten:
(Sigh) It's not "go commando", it's "dressing regimental". (Sigh)

Cheers
JMH

Were-Kitten briefed on April 2, 2005 05:46 AM

JHM-
I've never heard "dressing regimental"- will have to add that to my list of "hawt covert military language"....

John of Argghhh! briefed on April 2, 2005 08:30 AM

I would think that was only ih the Highland Regiments, John?

Fuzzybear Lioness briefed on April 2, 2005 09:15 AM

Sorry to have drink and run last night. Sounds like I missed out on a great opportunity... Bill AND Neffi feeling lonely at the same time... *grin*

So, let's get this party rollin' again (what's for breakfast, Cricket? And where's the rita-matic, Neffi?). This time I promise to hang around--after I take care of a couple of things today. Be back early evening, after ya'll get things started! ;)

Cricket briefed on April 4, 2005 06:57 PM

Soory I was so late...but breakfast will be cranberry scones, coddled eggs and ham. Herbal tea, tea and coffee and the odd Dr. Pepper or two.