Change is inevitable

Change is inevitable and one change I will be undergoing in a short while will be becoming cw4billt(ret). I took stock of my skill set (demonstrated ability to break up human wave attacks, destroy Armored Fighting Vehicles from 3,500 meters, converse in fluent MilSpeak, bury snipers, etc.) and posted the list on several sites.

“You are a No-Go at this station” has been the kindest reply to date. So, I’ve decided to take a different tack, to reveal myself to the corporate world as a person, not just a set of quasi-academic accomplishments. I trust you guys, with your keen insight and boundless civvies-street experience, will help me with some fine-tuning.

All feedback will be greatly appreciated.

My Resumé

I am a dynamic figure, often profiled on The Learning Channel scaling walls using only my fingers and crushing large blocks of ice beneath my left heel. I have been known to renovate nearby train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and pedestrian trafficability. I translate ethnic slurs for Second World refugees, I write award-winning operettas and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I will tread water for 72 hours in order to provide current immersion data for FEMA and the Coast Guard.

Women swoon over my sensuous and god-like sousaphone playing. I can pedal bicycles up 75% slopes with unflagging speed and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in fifteen minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a master of calligraphy and a taupe belt in kendo.

Using only a grubbing hoe and a two-quart canteen, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ravening army ants.

I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Lakers and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I have written the definitive treatise (a 23-volume set) on post-Minoan chiaroscuro. When I get bored, I build full-scale models of Scottish cantilever suspension bridges in my yard.

I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a world-ranked chess observer. Critics of haute-couture gush over my original line of velcro evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been Caller Number Nine and have won weekends in the Poconos. One evening, I calculated the value of p to the last digit, but my puckish sense of humor forbids me to reveal what it is.

Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.

I bat .433. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botanical circles. I taught Garry Kasparov that knights aren’t just for defining the king’s row and that the queen is superfluous. I can hold idiomatic conversations in all twelve archaic Indo-European and Proto-Germanic languages. I have memorized The Code of Federal Regulations in the original Old Kingdom Demotic script and can cite references from The Book of the Dead verbatim.

Leprechauns trust me. Songbirds fly miles out of their way to feed from my hand. Horses whisper to me. I waltz with scruples and boogie with bedoodlewhoopies. I understand women, but because I am the compleat gentleman, will not divulge The Secret.

I can hurl a five-pound sledgehammer at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read The Divine Comedy, War and Peace and The Gulag Archipelago in a single day and still had time to renovate my dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in Home Depot. I have performed several covert operations in Central Asia for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep seated on a ladderback chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of misoriented Basque separatists who had seized a small boulangerie.

I speak fluent Braille.

I create award-winning handicap-accessible Web Sites and have written a 2kb software program that simultaneously de-bugs all Microsoft products and seamlessly integrates Oracle, Visio and Linux; it also provides free Internet access over your existing household wiring. On non-Drill weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I discovered the meaning of life years ago, but I forgot to write it down. I have created Epicurean four-course meals using only a pocketknife and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning Littleneck clams. I have won bullfights in Segovia, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees in Sinkiang. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.

My only character flaws are my extreme modesty and an unflagging propensity to fantasize...