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March 17, 2005

Huh? Oh, it's St Pat's day...?

So, we're excused from anything serious, though Dusty and Keith tried... roving correspondent and photographer Randy provides this:

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shit faced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 litre spring water, 1 bottle aspirin, 5 pairs incontinence pants, 1 bottle Pepto Bismil, 1 gram morphine sulphate, 1 oz. human adrenaline extract, 1 pre-charged electric defibrillator, 4 Cardiac needles, 1 trauma surgeon. Brew a strong pot of coffee and add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

The remainder is in the Flash Traffic/Extended Entry

Leg 2: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something. If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: Popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm regnant: "We're not serving you". By now, you should switch from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food colouring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football; you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-f&^king b*stards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter
since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for
you to remember any of it.

John | Permalink | Comments (0) | I think it's funny!
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