October 14, 2004

Draft the Old Guys!

From a buddy:

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 55 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. My back hurts!, I'm hungry!,Where's the remote control?

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 55 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for pistols and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, Get down and give me...er...one.

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.

He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

I know this will make my unpopular with MADD and Nanny-Statists - but my heroes should be able to down a brew before heading out to kill or be killed.

Hat tip: Larry G.

Comments on Draft the Old Guys!
Wm. Clauss briefed on October 14, 2004 07:20 AM

As a veteren, and a God fearing American who loves his country despite Kerry, I have mulled this idea over repeatedly. Send us old guys to kill the terrorists. I'd volenteer.billc

Steampress briefed on October 14, 2004 10:21 AM

Funniest post ever. Describes my old guy to a "T" Thanks for making my morning. Signed "old gal".

Steve Holton briefed on October 14, 2004 12:04 PM

Heh... my Sergeant Major had a sign above his desk:

"Old age and treachery BEATS youth and inexperience."

FlyingMike briefed on October 14, 2004 02:32 PM

You know, the facts behind this great post put the lie to the whole draft baloney. The pool of fit willing-to-serve-but-over-35 people is not insignificant. If military planners were really worried about not having enough recruits, they would start waiving the "able to complete 20 years service by age 55" regulation that drives the age 35 limit (as they already do for medical folks) and let anyone who can meet the standards and get through the training serve.

Including some of us cranky old folks would let them staff up the non-combat "tail" with life-experienced volunteers, freeing up the young'ns for some of the more "teeth" oriented roles.

But they're not doing this, so we can conclude that they don't need more than they are already getting through existing recruitment and under existing limitations - thus No.Frigging.Draft.

Why some have concluded that huge masses of unwilling draftees would be on any military planners wish list is just beyond me.

Justthisguy briefed on October 14, 2004 07:02 PM

IIRC, (hey, I'm kinda old, too) Teddy Roosevelt quite seriously proposed something very like that, when we was fixin' to fight the Germans in '17 or so. I think he said he could come up with a whole division of fairly badass 40-yr-olds from among his cowboy and Injun and Roughrider friends. Said he could get them over to France and killin' Krauts while the younguns were still learning how to march. I do really think he was trying to save the lives of the young and callow.

Never happened, of course.Woody Wilson was psycho about Teddy even before he had all of those strokes.

I'm not defending TR's wrongheaded Pwog politics here, just his heart, his patriotism, and his big brass balls.

Teresa briefed on October 15, 2004 10:28 AM

How 'bout us pissed off old ladies??? Just hand me a gun and let me at 'em.

There was an email making the rounds at one point saying we should send over a brigade of menopausal women, the terrorists wouldn't stand a chance. *grin*

bloviatrix briefed on October 15, 2004 11:02 AM

Absolutely! When I was 18 I was dyin' to go to Vietnam. Sheesh, go figure, but that was where the action was, right? But the only women the services seemed to want back then were nurses and secretaries. I didn't know how to do anything useful like that back then. Then when when I was 33 and they were taking entry level women recruits, a boyfriend had to drag me out of the recruiting office. Now, I'd gladly be a secretary or JAG for the services if it would help at all.

When I see these adventure races on TV, see these yuppies in fantastic physical shape, mountaineering in Patagonia etc, I think what a waste--go find bin Laden or Zawahiri with all that energy!

Gus briefed on October 16, 2004 11:01 AM

Using the wifes e-mail address.
What's wrong with sending us slightly pugnacious 66 yr young men over. The doc has replaced all the bad parts that got me 4-f back
when and now I am almost new and they say I am too old. I do not have to hike, I can ride my
mountain or road bike and if necessary mount a 30 caliber, or is that a 7.65 on my Harley and really raise hell, they would only have to supply the gun and ammo. Think of all the pay they could
save by turning us old farts loose. The young one
could stay home and take care of my grand kids.

vicie briefed on October 19, 2004 01:05 PM

It's such a good Idea, but at our ages with our experience, I don't think we'd follow orders as well as the kids. And the rules of engagement that I hear they are making them follow over there, I doubt would be adhered to for very long by old folks that just don't give a damn anymore. But yeah, I'd much rather it was us than our kids, I've lived the best part of my life already, but our kids should have all of theirs in front of them.

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